Texas Concealed Carry Law And You - Let's Read Monster Hunter International

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Orthodox Rabbit: Jun 2, 2006; This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

Blargthrax the Blight Queen: Destroyer of a Thousand Worlds, sighed as she was forced to re-vaporize an entire civilization because an insignificant creature somewhere was messing around with time again.

# ? May 16, 2018 15:11

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# ? May 22, 2024 12:37

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Renegret posted:

I mean, it won't be good, but the potential is there.

I think that's the tagline for the entire book.

edit: Just so this isn't a sole, catty snip played for yucks, I've taken on board a lot of criticism from this thread regarding writing style. I know for a fact some of my older works have fallen into the "describing a movie" trap and I was blissfully unaware of that fact until now. So, cheers!

Drunken Baker fucked around with this message at 15:51 on May 16, 2018

# ? May 16, 2018 15:44

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

Drunken Baker posted:

edit: Just so this isn't a sole, catty snip played for yucks, I've taken on board a lot of criticism from this thread regarding writing style.

My biggest issue with this is the complete failure to characterize properly. I'm always forgetting who is who because, in dialogue, everyone is the loving same.

Who's Milo again? I had to go back a few updates to double check if the was the gun guy because I forgot. One of the guys is also a virgin, but I forgot who. And there's a token black guy too? I think? Someone's black, I don't remember who. Then Sam started talking and, oh poo poo I forgot a Sam even existed. Most of the supporting cast are just the same person when it comes to dialogue, they just exist and nothing really makes them special.

Other than that, it's hard to gently caress up the protagonist, the :siren:

girl

and her chad boyfriend (because we're reminded of that every page), and the leader with deus ex machina abilities.

Then finally Holly, who should still be the protagonist. Still, if she was just another dude with a vanilla background, I'd get her confused with the rest of the nobody pile. I have dubbed her the girl with an RPG.

Renegret fucked around with this message at 16:04 on May 16, 2018

# ? May 16, 2018 16:01

HelloIAmYourHeart: Dec 29, 2008; Fallen Rib

Renegret posted:

One of the guys is also a virgin, but I forgot who. And there's a token black guy too?

That would be Trip, who is black and a virgin. I wonder if his virginity will come into play somehow. Aren't there creatures that only virgins can touch? I think unicorns can only be touched by a virgin maiden so I don't know if that works for guys. Oh, or I suppose he could be sacrificed to some god.

# ? May 17, 2018 01:45

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

"Boy! Much has happened," the Old Man exclaimed. "What have you done?"

"I turned on the artifact, I guess," I answered.

"Is as I feared. This is terrible. Much terrible." He shuffled toward me, hobbling on his cane.

"Hey, we're all still alive. It sure beats the alternative."

"No," he answered. "Not better at all. Not for you."

"Hey, I'm the one that had a spine sticking out my aorta."

"Better to be dead than be cursed tool of the ancient evil."

"I'm nobody's tool," I said angrily. I was getting really tired of everybody treating me as if I was stupid. "I did the best that I could."

"No, Boy. Now is much worse than before." His bony hand grabbed me by the arm. "Come, hurry. One last memory to show."

I stopped him, pulling away. "No, Mordechai. I don't have time to screw around. Just give me a straight answer for once. Where is he, and how do I kill him?"

"You not are ready for such things." He looked at me, his hard eyes drooped in sadness. "Boy, to do such a thing would make you dead for sure. Not just dead. But maybe worse. Much worse. Cursed like he is even."
"But I'm not evil," I said defensively.

"No. Surprised I have been by you being so good." He lifted his cane and thumped me in the chest. "Good, but sometimes stupid. Brave, but proud. Too proud for own good. If not more careful, pride will kill you and blow up world. Think you can solve problems, but no patience to learn. Want to rush. Do things now." He puffed himself up and did a very poor imitation of me. "I am Boy. Now, now, now. Hurry, hurry. I can do everything. No need to learn first!"

"You would need about two more of you to do a good impersonation of me, you old midget," I told him. "Plus I don't sound like that at all."

"Bah. You are good boy. But no longer can you worry about what you are. You are Monster Hunter. Your father, he made you warrior. Do not�how you say?�pretend to be something else. No time for doubt. No time for 'normal' " He spat the word.

"You know about that?"

"I live in your head. What? I not pay attention? Now I ask one thing. Just one. Do this for me. I promise before time run out I show you new vision. At that time, what do have to lose? Your brain probably pop, serve you right. But world is destroyed right after anyway."

The book seems to harp a lot about how hunters aren't "normal" and that MHI hunters are all a band of weirdos, but then it makes me think of people like Trip and Lee who are seemingly completely normal dudes.

quote:

Lord Machado's memories.

Were of dirt. Brown dirt.

I woke up. Facedown in the mud. Lying crumpled in my armor at the base of the mighty pyramid. I must have tumbled the entire way. The rain had stopped, and the jungle sun burned down upon me. I staggered up, heaving against the weight of my plate. Crusted blood coated my body, and wept from my many wounds.

My artifact.

I crawled up the stairs, pulling myself forward on my hands and knees, so very weak, and the pyramid was so very tall. I pulled, gasped and kicked, raggedly crawling my way ever higher.

I blacked out repeatedly, only to find that I had climbed higher without knowing it. My skin burned in the sun and my delirium and thirst increased. I began to crawl past bodies, past the torn remains of my soldiers who had so bravely fought the stone guardians. I cursed them for their betrayal. I cursed Captain Thrall.

Finally at the top, I kicked away the giant feasting buzzards. My ax was embedded through the back of the captain's now-empty suit of mail. His body was gone.

The artifact was gone.

I screamed at the sky. Cursing everything, swearing vengeance upon all, I tore my blade free, shaking it overhead. I vowed to regain that which was mine.

The body of the priestess Koriniha was facedown in a puddle. The carrion birds had pulled her open and eaten freely. Her fine robes were crusted with dried red, stained with her spilled organs. The buzzards reluctantly hopped away as I approached.

She was the key.

I had to bring her back.

Unable to carry the weight of her corpse, Machado uses his axe to strip the skin from her bones and packs her skeleton into a soldier's cloak like the world's creepiest hobo bindle. For days, he crawls through the jungle, eating insects and small animals raw, until he reaches the city. Having been gone a month, he finds everyone dead of a pustule-causing fever in his absence and unattended fires raging out of control. I'm guessing the Old Ones were a little pissed.

quote:

I made my way to the temple. The priestess had taken me deep beneath it, far down into the bowels of the earth, where strange things lived, and the very walls were alive. She had shown me the ancient obelisk and its prophecy. Surely there I would find my answers.

Infection had set into my wounds, dripping green pus and leaving a trail upon the paved road. My body stank like the corpses in the surrounding buildings. I was aflame with fever, yet shivered because I was so starkly cold. I could not remember my trek to the temple, nor the long deep descent to the ancient unnatural cavern. I do not know how much time passed on my journey down the endless stairs and tunnels.

I found myself in the cavern, reduced to crawling like some pathetic forest beast. The damp bones of Koriniha rattled on my back. I pulled my ax along, dragging a trail through the soft living floor. Now, so close to death, I pushed myself along by will power alone. I had no torch, so I moved through the dark. Strange things skittered over my body, or slithered over my hands. I crawled, hopelessly lost, pushing onwards toward where I felt the obelisk to be. The air rushed and changed direction overhead, as if the cavern itself was breathing. It stank of rotting fish, but I could barely smell it over the stench of decay coming from my own flesh.

At last my quest ended.

Machado speaks to the obelisk, demanding that the Old Ones bring Koriniha back. Nothing happens, no matter how many times he says that he's the one who was prophesied to be here.

quote:

The giant breathing continued, each exhalation brought a greater stink of rotten ocean. Nothing responded. I grew angry. I found the strength to push myself away from the obelisk, standing shakily on my own feet. I pulled my ax into my hands.

"It is mine! Give me my power!"

The breathing continued.

"drat you then." I found the strength to lift my ax. I swung it into the narrow obelisk. Obsidian chips flew as I struck. "drat you!" I struck again, finding strength in my fury. Lines of the prophecy winked out of existence. "I do not need you!" Bits of the obelisk embedded themselves in my skin as I hammered it. "I am the one!" The narrow thing cracked and shifted from the roof. More lines disappeared. "The power is mine!"

A final blow turned the center into powder. "I curse you, Old Ones!" I spit on their prophecy.

The obelisk toppled, the lower part shattered, and the top hung suspended for a long moment before detaching from the unseen ceiling of the cavern and falling, exploding like glass on impact. I was left alone in the dark, gasping, heaving. Dying.

We must go now, Boy. Hurry.

The cavern shifted. I had drawn the attention of the Old Ones. Shapes dropped down around me, somehow visible as darker than the shadows.

Come. Must leave his mind.

What's happening?

He has�how you say?�pissed them off.

Ten thousand glowing eyes opened on the cavern walls as the giant tentacles encircled me, suckers piercing and ripping into my rotten flesh, lifting me upwards through the cavern, into the gaping gelatinous maw of an Old One. I screamed, but acid filled my mouth and poured down my throat, burning, tearing.

Darkness . . .

Pain . . .

Pitt is yanked out of Machado's mind, but he sees what happens from afar. For a century, Machado is tortured physically and mentally by the Old Ones, stripping his human form away and replacing his body with the alien materials. His mind is shattered and broken beyond what any human can withstand. Finally, his form is dropped to the floor, but his spirit remains. Driven by hatred and lust for power, he's able to remain anchored to this world.

Pitt finds himself back in the Polish village in 1944, but Byreika is nowhere to be seen. He runs into the church, angrily kicking over a pew as he shouts for him.

quote:

"Greetings," called a voice. I turned to see a man, a stranger, approaching down the aisle. He was short, dressed in an archaic steel breastplate and plumed, rounded helmet. A yellow and brown family crest was emblazoned upon his chest. His goatee was black and grease-slicked down to a point. His eyes were small and dark, set deep into a face tanned like leather. He glared at me from under bushy eyebrows. "Your friend will be along shortly." One arm hung at his side, lazily holding the handle of his battle-ax, the blade dragging a furrow through the ash and snow on the church floor.

I realized he was speaking archaic Portuguese. The language of Lord Machado's memories.

Not good.

"Lord Machado," I said over the lump in my throat.

"We have never been properly introduced. You have plundered through my memories. My precious things. You have delved into my power and tried to take that which is mine. You have ruined my plans and stolen the glory of the ancients, an honor which is rightfully mine. And yet, I do not even know who you are." He stopped, only a few feet away. The artificial construct of the Old Man's world shifted violently as the Cursed One intruded. The fabric of the surrounding town rippled as if it were fluid. "Who are you?" he hissed.

I somehow found the courage to respond. "I'm the man that's going to kill you once and for all."

Snapping his head back, he laughed�the same evil laugh from the memories. "How na�ve. I cannot die. I am eternal. Far greater things than you have tried to take my life. I refuse to die."

Machado and Thrall are competing for who gets the worst dialogue in this book.

Machado threatens Pitt with killing him as he sleeps, but Pitt calls his bluff. He's still safe here in his headspace, where this form of Machado is only a shadow sent to deliver a message. Machado gives Pitt the bog standard offer to rule by his side, to which Pitt responds by threatening to shove his axe up his rear end.

quote:

"Those who stand against me will be crushed. I shall kill you for eons. I will wear your skin as my cloak, I will grind your bones into powder, I will drink your blood, and I shall chain your soul to the artifact forever. A token trophy of my victory." As he spoke he began to change, features becoming blurry and darkening, as if he was cloaked in smoke. He grew, widened, black-glistening tissue protruding through the seams of his clothing and creases of armor. The ax thumped to the floor, no longer fitting in the fleshless hands. "I shall take every one that you have ever loved. I shall turn them to me, or I shall swallow their souls. I shall make them suffer as you do, and they shall know, as their flesh burns and their skin is peeled away, that it was you who caused this suffering. That it was you, through your foolishness, which caused them such pain. And they will curse your name through eternity."

The Cursed One's voice changed, as if the sound was traveling through water. The flesh of his face sloughed away, leaving a skull, and then black tendrils sprang from under his helmet and out of his mouth, coating his face in a withering mask. "I shall take your family, your father, your mother and your children who are not yet born. They shall feel my wrath and know of my eternal rage. I shall take this woman you love, the vampire's daughter, and I shall inflict savagery upon her such that your pathetic mind cannot comprehend. Once she is broken I shall give her to her mother, and she too shall join my legions."

The transformation was complete, and the true form of Lord Machado towered above me, bones cloaked in a slime-coated mass of moving tentacles: pure black hatred made manifest into a physical presence. The armor remained, only now dented and rusted, bracketed in filth and ooze. The mass slapped wetly against the wooden floor, black fluids dripping through to eat away at the ground below. The helmet dipped down, burning eyes gleaming in my face.

"Choose now. Choose your fate. Serve me or serve eternal pain."

Incomprehensible fear grasped claws around my heart. I knelt down before the billowing wall of evil. The Cursed One began to laugh, echoing through the shattered church, secure in his power and greatness.

"I choose neither."

The pulsating mass that was the Cursed One's head tilted slightly, betraying the still-human reaction of disbelief. My hand closed upon the polished handle of the ancient ax as I heaved myself upwards. I swung the massive blade into the black flesh, slicing through the flailing darkness.

The Cursed One roared and struck.

American Gods was better.

# ? May 17, 2018 14:29

Orthodox Rabbit: Jun 2, 2006; This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

Even though the whole book is leading up to this final big interdimensional cthulu battle, all this stuff seems really out of place. The first half of this book is about a group of regular people finding out vampires and zombies are real. A few chapters later they're time traveling and battling aliens from another reality. It just doesn't feel like it matches up with the original tone of the book.

# ? May 17, 2018 15:23

ShinsoBEAM!: Nov 6, 2008; "Even if this body of mine is turned to dust, I will defend my country."

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

Even though the whole book is leading up to this final big interdimensional cthulu battle, all this stuff seems really out of place. The first half of this book is about a group of regular people finding out vampires and zombies are real. A few chapters later they're time traveling and battling aliens from another reality. It just doesn't feel like it matches up with the original tone of the book.

It's actually a decently long book, like 200kish words.

# ? May 17, 2018 15:42

Dawgstar: Jul 15, 2017

legendof posted:

Did we ever get Holly's ~mysterious backstory~? I'm not sure if I even want it since I'm afraid it's going to involve sexual violence, but it'd be pretty bad writing to allude to it all book and never explain. I guess maybe someone else will just vomit exposition later, when it has no narrative weight because she's dead.

Yeah, but it's both not very impressive and does possibly involve sexual violence. Definitely being degraded.

While working as a stripper to pay her way through nursing school because of course, she was caught by vampires and spent time in a, quote, feeding pit with other people until rescued by MHI.

# ? May 17, 2018 16:05

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

ShinsoBEAM! posted:

It's actually a decently long book, like 200kish words.

Yeah, we've actually still got the real final battle to get to.

# ? May 17, 2018 16:14

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

Light.

Confusion.

Pressure on my chest. Hands restraining me, holding me down.

I lashed out, knuckles colliding with something soft. Strong fingers landed on my throat. I reached upwards, grabbed the person and flung them aside. Something struck me, grabbed me, lifted me through the air and slammed me painfully into a rock-hard surface.

"Wake up, drat it!" Harbinger shouted into my ear.

I gasped. I was alive.

And being crushed painfully into a cinderblock wall. Harbinger held me up by the straps of my armor, feet dangling several inches from the ground. He shook me violently, took one hand away and slapped me silly.

"Hey!" I shouted. "Cut that out."

"Okay. He's back." Harbinger released me and I dropped to the ground. The much smaller man had flung me around as if I weighed nothing. "Sam. You okay?"

Sam Haven stood to one side, rubbing the side of his head. A slight trickle of blood leaked out of his nose and strained through his enormous mustache. "Kid's got a punch all right. Like getting kicked by a horse."

"Sorry," I said.

"Jeez, I was only trying to help. You were flopping around like a fish," the big cowboy said.

I don't think Harbinger or Sam are medically trained to handle a seizure.

Pitt is back at the MHI hangar. He tells the team about the Cursed One visiting him, but doesn't have anything useful to find him. Harbinger has called every MHI team back to the compound for a meeting to plan their actual final big battle against the vampires. Pitt offers to fall back asleep to find him, which Trip isn't all that excited about after seeing the last seizure.

quote:

"You got a better idea?"

He thought about it. "Nope . . . The Lord helps those who help themselves."

"I wish he would send a miracle our way then, 'cause we sure could use one," I said.

"Maybe he has," Trip suggested. "Maybe you're our miracle."

"If that's the case, we're screwed," Holly said. "No offense."

Holly is the best character.

Harbinger actually starts seriously considering whether Pitt's presence is divine intervention and decides that he'll have Milo look into it as their theology expert later. He orders the Hind to be fitted with guns and rocket pods, something the Feds expressly banned them from doing, figuring that if the world ends tomorrow it won't matter anyway.

They had to the main building, where a bunch of vehicles are parked outside. Dorcas has left a "Gone hunting" note on the front desk, with a notice that there are pudding cups in the fridge if anyone wants them but the chocolate ones are hers and she'll inflict a painful death on anyone who eats them.

quote:

The other Hunters were gathered in the cafeteria. I had never seen most of them before. They were an interesting crew. Most of the heavy suits of armor had been ditched as soon as was possible, and the Hunters were trying to get in the small bit of relaxation that they could. A few had not taken theirs off yet, mostly the ones who had been lucky enough not to be splattered with undead juices during the day's activity. In addition to the infamous horned happy face there were several other team logos present. Some were cartoonish: a fire-breathing warthog, Scud the Disposable Assassin, Samurai Jack, and one that appeared to be a cross between a shark and an octopus. Others logos were more serious: a skull with vampire teeth and a knife through it, a highly stylized dragon, crossed Kalashnikovs, and a version of Munch's "The Scream." All of the patches were black and olive drab green.

Some Hunters were eating, scarfing down whatever calories were available. A large group were clustered around the TV watching the news as more reports trickled in about the worldwide panic caused by the missing five minutes, but the majority of the Hunters were cleaning their guns or sharpening edged weapons. Someone had plugged in a CD player and was playing classic rock.

I hope you liked them using a Sluggy Freelance character as a logo before, because we got even more of that poo poo.

quote:

"Earl!" a ponytailed man in a Harley Davidson tank top shouted. "Hey, everybody! Harbinger's here!" The Hunters dropped what they were doing, jumped up and crowded around us, many of them asking questions.

"Calm down," Harbinger boomed. "As soon as everybody's here, we'll have a full debriefing. Status? Who're we missing?"

The biker-looking fellow started to tick off names on his fingers. Apparently he at least knew everybody. "Nobody called in any casualties today. Most of these vamps never knew what hit them. We stacked up piles of the bastards. Boone is here, but his guys volunteered to be perimeter security for now. VanZant, Paxton, and Mayorga's teams called in and are on the way. Eddings just crawled out of some mine, said he didn't get the message to pull out before dark. So they should be last ones in."

"Didn't get the message, my butt," Julie said angrily. "You don't stay in a vampire hole after dark."

"Crazy bastard," Sam said with admiration.

"Where's my . . . the Boss?" Harbinger asked.

There was a missing portrait of Raymond Shackleford II in the plantation, Harbinger was stated to bear a family resemblance to the Shacklefords, and now he just almost called Raymond Shackleford III "my ____". I WONDER WHO HE COULD BEEEEEEEE

quote:

"Fred's making up some dinner�he used to be a chef you know�but right now there's pudding cups in the fridge," said one, as he spooned Dorcas' precious chocolate into his mouth.

"You poor condemned fool," muttered Sam under his breath. For that Hunter's sake, I hoped that Dorcas had had a chance to use up her daily quotient of violence against vampires.

The rest of the hunters already broke into the Feds' encrypted channels and learned about the demon massacre and time reversal. The TV is on showing that martial law has been declared across the Southeast United States, the country is in condition red terror warning, and a huge crowd of protesters is massing outside the White House.

quote:

"Julie, can I get you something from the kitchen?"

"Hang on. I'll come with you." She set her equipment next to mine, and hurriedly made her way through the double doors. I followed, stomach rumbling, already salivating at the smell of something being fried. I stumbled zombielike in the direction of precious food. But Julie grabbed my hand, led me off to the side, waved quickly at the few Hunters cooking and scrounging, and pulled me through a small side door into the hallway.

"What's up?" I asked, glancing back longingly toward the kitchen. At my size and level of physical activity, I had to eat 4,500 calories a day to keep from getting cranky. She led me quickly up the stairs to the top level. I had not been up here much. I followed stupidly.

"We died today."

"Yeah, I've done that a couple of times. It don't get any easier."

She stopped, glanced down the hall to make sure we were alone. Satisfied, she turned and looked me in the eyes. "It really makes you think. Coming that close. Doesn't it?"

"I suppose," I answered, slightly embarrassed.

"You saved us. I don't know how you did, but you're something special. I can't explain it."

"You're the special one. I've known that since I first met you," I told her sincerely.

"I had the same reaction. I just couldn't explain it at the time."

"Really?" That took me by surprise.

"Yes. Really. Look, I know this is sudden, but what you said back there . . . in the swamp . . . right before you . . . you stepped in front of me . . ." I thought of the alien spear that I took for her piercing my heart. "Did you mean that?"

"I . . . uh . . . well . . ." I stammered, afraid to answer truthfully.

She responded quickly. "Because if you didn't, I totally understand. It was a really intense moment . . . and I don't want to move too fast . . . or anything like that. And there has just been so much going on . . . with my family . . . and . . ." She did not mention the missing Grant, but the look of guilt was obvious on her face. "It's just happened so fast, and I wasn't expecting anything like this. There has been something about you, ever since we met. And then when Grant abandoned you on the freighter . . . We fought about that. I couldn't believe he did that to you. And then he disappeared, and I know how I feel about you, and I should feel guilty because he's probably dead or worse, and so much has happened, but you're here, and I just don't know�"

I cut her off. "I meant it." I screwed up all of my courage. Compared to this moment, vampires, werewolves, undead, gargoyles, demons, giant sky squids�they were nothing. I would rather face legions of monsters than have her reject what I was about to say.

I held both of her hands as gently as a brute like me could manage. Her expression was unreadable. "I love you," I stated simply.

She did not respond immediately. I felt a nervous weight form in my stomach, threatening to drag me through the floor. I swallowed involuntarily as all of the moisture left my mouth. Finally she smiled, a little smile at first, and then gradually it spread into a wide grin.

"Me too."

"Really?" The weight lifted. Lightning crashed. The heavens opened and choirs of angels sang.

"Yes. Now quit squeezing my hands, you're gonna break them."

I hurriedly let go. "Sorry."

"No problem." She leaned in close and we kissed. Her lips were warm and soft. She broke away and nodded her head toward one of the doors off to the side. "That's the room that I use when I work late and end up sleeping at the compound." Julie sounded slightly short of breath. "I figure that we have a little while before the other teams get here and anybody notices we're gone."

Dinner could wait.

This is the least legitimate fictional romance I've ever seen. loving Twilight dedicates more time to building a relationship.

# ? May 18, 2018 14:58

Orthodox Rabbit: Jun 2, 2006; This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

"This time you can touch my butt, just like you touched my mom's vampire butt".

# ? May 18, 2018 15:34

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

Stop, stop, I can only get so flaccid...

# ? May 18, 2018 17:26

Up Circle: Apr 3, 2008

i hope grant and julies mom escape all this senseless violence and live out their undeath in happiness

# ? May 18, 2018 18:20

Orthodox Rabbit: Jun 2, 2006; This game is perfect for empty-headed dunces that don't like to think much!! Of course, I'm a genius... I wonder why I'm so good at it?!

[25/F] My BF [25/M] of 10 hours cheated on me with my mom [immortal/F]
submitted 2 minutes ago by nosferasstumom

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on my phone and in total shock right now.

I love (well, loved) my mum to bits, she's done so much for me and sacrificed everything so I could have a good education and a happy life. I met my boyfriend when we started working together. I love (again; well, loved) him with all my heart. I truly believed we would be together forever. We started working together one month ago and our relationship has been practically perfect since then. We never fight (except over my ex), and he makes me feel like a princess everytime I'm with him.

This morning I woke up and went to have a shower. On my way to the shower I heard my mom's voice (who I haven't seen in years because she died) coming from his room and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. MY mum was saying something along the lines of: "I hope your morning wood is as good as the wood they try to stake me with

." Obviously I freaked out and went into his room and my mom was there and she was a vampire now. They had been basically having sex. Once I saw them I pulled out my gun and put a ton of bullets into her. She laughed at me and flew away.

I have no idea what to do. These were the two most important people in my life. I have pretty much no friends here, everyone I know is just a coworker. I'm so heartbroken. Every time I think of my BF all I see is him touching my mom's butt. Please help me.

tl;dr - BF almost hooked up with my undead mother

# ? May 18, 2018 18:47

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

[25/F] My BF [25/M] of 10 hours cheated on me with my mom [immortal/F]
submitted 2 minutes ago by nosferasstumom

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on my phone and in total shock right now.

I love (well, loved) my mum to bits, she's done so much for me and sacrificed everything so I could have a good education and a happy life. I met my boyfriend when we started working together. I love (again; well, loved) him with all my heart. I truly believed we would be together forever. We started working together one month ago and our relationship has been practically perfect since then. We never fight (except over my ex), and he makes me feel like a princess everytime I'm with him.

This morning I woke up and went to have a shower. On my way to the shower I heard my mom's voice (who I haven't seen in years because she died) coming from his room and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. MY mum was saying something along the lines of: "I hope your morning wood is as good as the wood they try to stake me with ." Obviously I freaked out and went into his room and my mom was there and she was a vampire now. They had been basically having sex. Once I saw them I pulled out my gun and put a ton of bullets into her. She laughed at me and flew away.

I have no idea what to do. These were the two most important people in my life. I have pretty much no friends here, everyone I know is just a coworker. I'm so heartbroken. Every time I think of my BF all I see is him touching my mom's butt. Please help me.

tl;dr - BF almost hooked up with my undead mother

Holy poo poo.

# ? May 18, 2018 19:21

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

[25/F] My BF [25/M] of 10 hours cheated on me with my mom [immortal/F]
submitted 2 minutes ago by nosferasstumom

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on my phone and in total shock right now.

I love (well, loved) my mum to bits, she's done so much for me and sacrificed everything so I could have a good education and a happy life. I met my boyfriend when we started working together. I love (again; well, loved) him with all my heart. I truly believed we would be together forever. We started working together one month ago and our relationship has been practically perfect since then. We never fight (except over my ex), and he makes me feel like a princess everytime I'm with him.

This morning I woke up and went to have a shower. On my way to the shower I heard my mom's voice (who I haven't seen in years because she died) coming from his room and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. MY mum was saying something along the lines of: "I hope your morning wood is as good as the wood they try to stake me with ." Obviously I freaked out and went into his room and my mom was there and she was a vampire now. They had been basically having sex. Once I saw them I pulled out my gun and put a ton of bullets into her. She laughed at me and flew away.

I have no idea what to do. These were the two most important people in my life. I have pretty much no friends here, everyone I know is just a coworker. I'm so heartbroken. Every time I think of my BF all I see is him touching my mom's butt. Please help me.

tl;dr - BF almost hooked up with my undead mother

Well, there are two ways to deal with this.

1. Some undead can have seductive powers that are VERY hard to resist. Perhaps you two look into couples mental training?

2. DTFMA.

# ? May 18, 2018 19:24

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

[25/F] My BF [25/M] of 10 hours cheated on me with my mom [immortal/F]
submitted 2 minutes ago by nosferasstumom

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on my phone and in total shock right now.

I love (well, loved) my mum to bits, she's done so much for me and sacrificed everything so I could have a good education and a happy life. I met my boyfriend when we started working together. I love (again; well, loved) him with all my heart. I truly believed we would be together forever. We started working together one month ago and our relationship has been practically perfect since then. We never fight (except over my ex), and he makes me feel like a princess everytime I'm with him.

This morning I woke up and went to have a shower. On my way to the shower I heard my mom's voice (who I haven't seen in years because she died) coming from his room and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. MY mum was saying something along the lines of: "I hope your morning wood is as good as the wood they try to stake me with ." Obviously I freaked out and went into his room and my mom was there and she was a vampire now. They had been basically having sex. Once I saw them I pulled out my gun and put a ton of bullets into her. She laughed at me and flew away.

I have no idea what to do. These were the two most important people in my life. I have pretty much no friends here, everyone I know is just a coworker. I'm so heartbroken. Every time I think of my BF all I see is him touching my mom's butt. Please help me.

tl;dr - BF almost hooked up with my undead mother

# ? May 18, 2018 21:15

Gitro: May 29, 2013

Orthodox Rabbit posted:

[25/F] My BF [25/M] of 10 hours cheated on me with my mom [immortal/F]
submitted 2 minutes ago by nosferasstumom

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I'm on my phone and in total shock right now.

I love (well, loved) my mum to bits, she's done so much for me and sacrificed everything so I could have a good education and a happy life. I met my boyfriend when we started working together. I love (again; well, loved) him with all my heart. I truly believed we would be together forever. We started working together one month ago and our relationship has been practically perfect since then. We never fight (except over my ex), and he makes me feel like a princess everytime I'm with him.

This morning I woke up and went to have a shower. On my way to the shower I heard my mom's voice (who I haven't seen in years because she died) coming from his room and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. MY mum was saying something along the lines of: "I hope your morning wood is as good as the wood they try to stake me with ." Obviously I freaked out and went into his room and my mom was there and she was a vampire now. They had been basically having sex. Once I saw them I pulled out my gun and put a ton of bullets into her. She laughed at me and flew away.

I have no idea what to do. These were the two most important people in my life. I have pretty much no friends here, everyone I know is just a coworker. I'm so heartbroken. Every time I think of my BF all I see is him touching my mom's butt. Please help me.

tl;dr - BF almost hooked up with my undead mother

Pitch perfect

e: how do you hear a wink smiley

# ? May 19, 2018 06:09

Vox Valentine: May 31, 2013; Solving all of life's problems through enhanced casting of Occam's Razor. Reward yourself with an imaginary chalice.

Gitro posted:

Pitch perfect

e: how do you hear a wink smiley

https://youtu.be/nQIXUnRyy2k

# ? May 19, 2018 18:21

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

They should try and open up the relationship. It's the only way to be sure.

# ? May 21, 2018 11:17

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Hey, Chitoryu12, welcome back. When are we wrapping this beautiful mess up?

# ? May 29, 2018 12:18

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

There�s a few more hefty chapters. I�ll see if I can knock out an update on this laptop now that I have my Dropbox hooked up to it.

# ? May 31, 2018 20:30

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

So I was wondering about doing a Let�s Read thread on a series that isn�t absolutely terrible, with the thread more based around literary criticism/analysis and the changing times?

I�ve been reading the original James Bond novels. I actually really enjoy them (especially as a fan of the films), but I�ve been especially curious about how much the world has changed in the 65 years since the first novel was published. In particular, Bond�s first outing portrays him as a cold and calculating brute who treats women as nearly disposable sex objects (decrying Vesper�s part in the mission because women are for �recreation�), smoking 70 cigarettes a day and consuming a frankly irresponsible amount of alcohol. The later books, however, were published after the additional fame granted by the films and incorporate more of his roguish perfection.

I think along with being an interesting read-along with a lot of potential for historical discussion and cuisine and beverage sampling (Fleming exquisitely details Bond�s meals and I even worked on recreating the taste of the original Vesper), it�ll be a nice break from terrible crap and cheap pulp.

chitoryu12 fucked around with this message at 14:32 on Jun 2, 2018

# ? Jun 2, 2018 00:12

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

That sounds pretty good!

# ? Jun 2, 2018 00:26

JUST MAKING CHILI: Feb 14, 2008

LeCarre�s George Smiley series are good if we�re taking a dive into not-poo poo spy fiction.

JUST MAKING CHILI fucked around with this message at 14:01 on Jun 2, 2018

# ? Jun 2, 2018 06:11

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

chitoryu12 posted:

So I was wondering about doing a Let�s Read thread on a series that isn�t absolutely terrible, with the thread more based around literary criticism/analysis and the changing times?

I�ve been reading the original James Bond novels. I actually really enjoy them (especially as a fan of the films), but I�ve been especially curious about how much the world has changed in the 65 years since the first novel was published. In particular, Bond�s first outing portrays him as a cold and calculating brute who treats women as nearly disposable sex objects (decrying Vesper�s part in the mission because women are for �recreation�), smoking 70 cigarettes a day and consuming a frankly irresponsible amount of alcohol. The later books, however, were punished after the additional fame granted by the films and incorporate more of his roguish perfection.

I think along with being an interesting read-along with a lot of potential for historical discussion and cuisine and beverage sampling (Fleming exquisitely details Bond�s meals and I even worked on recreating the taste of the original Vesper), it�ll be a nice break from terrible crap and cheap pulp.

Even the later ones have ghastly sexual and racial politics by modern standards, but yeah, I'd be interested. Especially once it gets to The Spy Who Loved Me, which is Fleming trying to write from the POV of one of Bond's disposable sexual interests and is absolutely loving hilarious.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 13:22

Wheat Loaf: Feb 13, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

Ian Fleming is basically Mickey Spillane if he was a posh English bastard who wrote spies instead of detectives.

A very nasty person who happened to be a very good writer of thrillers.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 13:30

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I feel like the changes in culture are amplified by Bond being an overall terrible person who expresses the most racist, homophobic, and misogynistic beliefs possible of the 50s and 60s. His visit to Harlem is....painful.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:36

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

chitoryu12 posted:

I feel like the changes in culture are amplified by Bond being an overall terrible person who expresses the most racist, homophobic, and misogynistic beliefs possible of the 50s and 60s. His visit to Harlem is....painful.

Don�t forget the �chingoes�, nightmare fusions of the worst traits of black and Chinese people.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:40

Wheat Loaf: Feb 13, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

chitoryu12 posted:

I feel like the changes in culture are amplified by Bond being an overall terrible person who expresses the most racist, homophobic, and misogynistic beliefs possible of the 50s and 60s. His visit to Harlem is....painful.

Have you got to Goldfinger yet? Unlike the movie, it doesn't have Bond essentially raping Pussy Galore. Unlike the movie, it does have Bond ruminating on how he thinks Koreans are "lower than apes" and homosexuals are destroying society.

But then you get to You Only Live Twice and Bond becoming a weeaboo because that was a weird trend in some very conservative-minded western circles; a sort of paternalistic admiration for what they imagined Japan and Japanese culture to be like (and in the 60s, maybe Japan was a very conservative place - I don't know).

Though it is interesting that Fleming gave one interview to Playboy and discussed Bond as a character, said that he didn't write Bond to be likeable and that in his view his only good qualities were his courage and his patriotism, but that it was debatable how far either of those could actually be considered "good" qualities.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 15:00

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Wheat Loaf posted:

Have you got to Goldfinger yet? Unlike the movie, it doesn't have Bond essentially raping Pussy Galore. Unlike the movie, it does have Bond ruminating on how he thinks Koreans are "lower than apes" and homosexuals are destroying society.

But then you get to You Only Live Twice and Bond becoming a weeaboo because that was a weird trend in some very conservative-minded western circles; a sort of paternalistic admiration for what they imagined Japan and Japanese culture to be like (and in the 60s, maybe Japan was a very conservative place - I don't know).

Though it is interesting that Fleming gave one interview to Playboy and discussed Bond as a character, said that he didn't write Bond to be likeable and that in his view his only good qualities were his courage and his patriotism, but that it was debatable how far either of those could actually be considered "good" qualities.

At the same time, I believe he attempted to justify Bond being a hilariously awful person by saying �Look I make these books for red-blooded heterosexuals and this is what they�re into.�

# ? Jun 2, 2018 15:30

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Also Bond just compared one of Le Chiffre�s thugs to Lennie Small and guessed that his mind was addled by marihuana until he became a remorseless killer. Finally found something Bond won�t shove in his body.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 18:17

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

I had not thought that anyone had seen us slip quietly back into the cafeteria. I had been as stealthy and nonchalant as was possible. Julie had winked at me one last time and moved off to coordinate with the other teams and take care of business. The room had almost filled with Hunters, and only one team was still missing, but was due at any moment. My gear had been pushed to the side. I picked up my bag, spotted my friends sitting at a table in the back of the room, and made my way over. The cafeteria had taken on an almost party atmosphere as Hunters who had not seen each other in months or years were reunited.

"Hey, dude. What you been doing?" Trip said, sliding over so I could have room to sit.

"Uh . . . nothing."

"Whatever," Holly said as she pushed a plate of now lukewarm pasta toward me. "We saved you some food . . . Stud." She winked evilly. "Best eat. Keep your strength up." Very few things slipped past Holly Newcastle.

"Thanks," I mumbled and immediately began to eat. The meal was delicious. "Wow, they sure did use a ton of garlic."

"The guy that cooked it, Fred, said that it might help when we fight vampires tomorrow," Trip explained. "Maybe they won't want to bite us if we stink like garlic."

Holly snorted. "That's just an old wives' tale. Vamps aren't scared of garlic."

"Hey, up until yesterday night we thought them turning into fog was just a myth too," I answered. "So until then, load me up, baby."

The final team arrived with a flourish. They were beleaguered and their armor was still splashed with undead fluids. Their logo was Smoking Elvis. Their leader waved to the crowd.

"Sorry we're late, but we killed twenty bloodsuckers. Let's get this party started." Shouts of "Showoff!" and "About time!" rose from the Hunters. But it was all in good fun.

"Will somebody hose these guys off? drat, Eddings, your crew smells like vampire poo poo!" Sam bellowed.

"Love you too, Sam," he shouted back.

Holly goes up to Eddings, introduces herself, and hugs him after a moment's hesitation. There's clear recognition between the two of them and he can tell that she's put on weight since Vegas, but she doesn't tell anyone anything further. Pitt notes that she's crying, which he wasn't even sure she was capable of.

quote:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that you're all here. We have a bit of a situation on our hands."

That was an understatement.

Harbinger paced back and forth at the front of the cafeteria. The conference room was too small to fit the assembled humans and orcs, so the large maps of the South had been brought downstairs and leaned against the wall. Many of the red tacks had been replaced with yellow tacks, but there were many new red ones dotting the map. It looked like Alabama had the measles.

Every single member of MHI was present. The ones that I knew were a small minority. Julie sat by her grandfather and a young man who must have been her little brother. Boone's guys had come in from the perimeter and were standing toward the back. Mead had waved happily at me when he had entered. The orcs stood by themselves, slightly separated from the rest of us, packed tightly together, hooded heads kept down, shoulders slumped, not used to being surrounded by so many humans.

"The team leads were sent a brief synopsis as to where we stood a few days ago. But we have had some new developments. At 2:39 today, time backed up for five minutes. This was felt by every single person on Earth."

From the brief snitches of news that I had caught, billions were caught up in hysteria over the event. Some were in a panic, others in a religious fervor, and some were in denial. Thousands of babies had been born twice. Hundreds of people had died of natural causes twice.

"Yes. Those five minutes were in fact related to this case, and it goes to show how serious this one is. This is it, folks, this is the big one. Our real enemy is one General Joao Silva de Machado. We like to call him the Cursed One. He's five hundred years old, and in case you're wondering how you'll recognize him, he's the one that's a blob of black slime wearing conquistador armor. He's armed with some sort of ancient artifact that will be activated at the zenith of the full moon tomorrow night, giving us"�Harbinger glanced down at his watch�"approximately twenty-two hours. This artifact was the cause of the . . . glitch. And that was just a sample of the freak show to come. When this thing really goes off, it's the end of the world."

"What do you mean by 'end of the world'?" a Hunter asked.

"Literally. End of the world as in kiss your rear end good-bye." The crowd murmured. MHI had faced some strange things before, but never anything like this. "The artifact must be used at a specific Place of Power, but we don't know where that Place is."

"Like the Christmas party in '95?" the man named Eddings asked.

"Correct," Harbinger stated. "Speaking of that, the Cursed One has killed Ray Shackleford." He stopped, counted on his fingers, and then added for clarity, "The fourth."

The Hunters erupted in confusion.

The revelation that Susan Shackleford had become a vampire stuns them all, especially Nathan Shackleford. A Monster Hunter becoming one of the seven Masters means they now know all of MHI's secrets. Harbinger tells them about what occurred in the swamps, which gets even more protest because the idea that Harbinger could die is just wrong to them. He then calls up Pitt to tell them what he knows.

quote:

"He's only a Newb," somebody said. "How does he know what to do?"

Harbinger held up his hand. "Listen up. This is Owen Pitt. His team calls him Z. He killed a werewolf with his bare hands. In the last week he has saved the lives of my team members on multiple occasions. He's killed vampires, wights, gargoyles and demons. He went head to head against Jean Darn�. He alone has seen the Cursed One. And for those of you still doubting, he has fought Agent Franks. Twice. And even managed to kick him in the balls once."

"I would rather fight the demons!" someone shouted.

"Me too," I answered.

"Hunters�treat this man like you would treat any member of my team. Some of the things which you are about to hear are going to sound weird, but I personally believe them, so take that for what it is worth. Some of the things which you are going to be told can never leave this room. If this story was to get back to the Monster Control Bureau, then there is no telling what they would do to him. And know this, if anyone here ever speaks to the Feds about what Owen has seen, I will find out. You can know that of a surety, and I swear upon all that I hold holy, I will track you down to the ends of the world, reach down your throat, and pull your spine out your mouth." Nobody in the room said anything. They knew that he was deadly serious. My secrets were safe with this crew. "Owen, tell us everything."

"Let's all have a round of applause for how badass this newbie is! I'd tell Grant to join in, but gently caress him."

Pitt tells the full story of everything, from Byreika in his dreams to the story of how Lord Machado became the Cursed One from his deal with Lovecraftian horrors in another dimension.

quote:

Nathan Shackleford interrupted my speech. "This Machado rear end in a top hat is going down!" The young man rose to his feet, fire in his eyes, fully prepared to defend his family from any further attacks. "I'll stake the son of a bitch myself!"

"Shut up, Nate," the senior Shackleford calmly ordered. "And watch your language around the womenfolk. That ain't polite."

"Sorry, Grandpa." He sat back down. Julie smiled in sisterly pride.

"You don't get characterization this early, Nate!"

quote:

"Thank you, Mr. Pitt," the Boss said. "Is that all?"

"I'm afraid so, sir." I spread my hands in apology. The Hunters began to speak amongst themselves, team leads turning around and telling their troops to quiet down. "I'm sorry."

"No need for an apology, son. You've done your best." He pointed his hook at me. "That is all that any man can do."

"Yes, sir."

Harbinger stood back up. I started to return to my seat. "Stay right there, Owen. This is question-and-answer time. We have about five hundred years of collective monster-killing experience in this room, and I want to take advantage of it. We may be able to cobble together a couple semifunctioning brain cells out of this crew and figure out this puzzle."

Questions came from the crowd as the assembled Hunters picked my brain looking for a clue, something that we had missed. Something�anything�that could point us in the direction of the bad guys, and allow us to exercise our gifts for violence. Monster Hunters by nature tended to be a direct and straightforward bunch, similar to human claymore mines with big signs that warned front toward enemy. I uncomfortably tried to answer the questions as best as I could, but it was hard to recall every little thing from the heavily fragmented dreams. I could feel myself growing light-headed. It had been a long day.

Harbinger summed up our scant information. He stood in front of the map, back to the crowd. "So we know he's in Alabama, or at least he was a couple of days ago. Owen saw him underground, but we don't know if he's in a cave, a mine, or even a basement."

"The Elf Queen said that she saw him near water," Milo added.

"Now if we lived in the desert that might help," Sam said sardonically.

I leaned against the wall. I was not feeling very good. It was probably the stress. I closed my eyes. The pulse in my head was pounding, my heartbeat was elevating. My lungs constricted. I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Owen saw the Tattooed Man with Montgomery in the background. He's going to be looking for the Cursed One as well." Harbinger waved his hand over the area representing central Alabama. "But by now he could be anywhere . . . Owen, was he coming or going? And could you tell what direction? Owen?"

I could not answer. My mouth had suddenly dried up, leaving me unable to speak. My legs had gone numb, and I slid down the wall, flopping to the floor. My vision was fading.

"Owen!" Julie shouted.

"Aw hell." Harbinger hurried to my side. Squatting down, he grabbed my head. "Hey! Stay with me. That's an order." He shook me. "Owen!" Behind him I could see the blurry forms of the other Hunters rising to their feet in alarm.

I tried to apologize, but I was fast slipping into unconsciousness. I felt Julie's hands on my neck as she took my weakening pulse.

I can feel this starting to get annoying after a while.

# ? Jun 9, 2018 16:57

Internet Wizard: Aug 9, 2009; BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES

It�s like Far Cry 5 with all of these constant fade outs

# ? Jun 9, 2018 17:47

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

"Sorry. Is best can do," the Old Man whispered.

"Where are we?" I looked around, but our surroundings were pitch-black and revealed nothing. I could feel his presence standing besides me.

"Shhh." His frail hand landed on my shoulder. "You want him to hear us?"

"Okay." Since I was not actually here, I could not really understand how whispering was supposed to help anything. "I think I'm dying."

"No, you be fine. Unless mess up I do. Then get dead for sure."

"That's supposed to make me feel better?" It was discomforting to be in the darkness. There was an absence of sensation not limited to just vision. I could not hear anything other than my companion. There were no scents, not even the feeling of the air on my skin. I missed the battle-damaged village. In comparison to the sensory deprivation, the shelled-out bunch of rubble might as well have been a plush resort.

"Where are we?"

"Same as before, town was just last thing I see, so is what have to show in your head. Takes effort to make like real. And Cursed One found it. So now we sneak in for look. I promise to show Cursed One's place. Other way not work now. Cursed One has shielded his mind. Blocked his memory. We try this way. I think might work perhaps . . . maybe."

"Mordechai, I swear that if you screw up and kill me, I'm going to be pissed. If I end up a ghost, I'm gonna be kicking your ghost rear end for eternity."

"Ooh. Tough talk for alive person. Haunting is much hard work. Kids today not work hard enough to do such things. Now be ready. Is much danger . . . I try to show. Then we go away before catches us he does. He knows about me now. He is ready to stop me. Ready to fight you."

"What happens if he catches us?"

"You get stuck like me."

"And what if he catches you?"

The Old Man did not answer. I felt his hand tighten on my shoulder.

"What happens if the Cursed One catches you?"

"Not know. But must try." There was a slight trembling in his raspy voice.

Byreika presses a few small objects into Pitt's hand to help him when he wakes up. The artifact site is shielded, which for some reason means they have the ability to go straight to the artifact's location but not just hover overhead or anything. No, I don't know how this makes sense either.

quote:

"I don't know if I understand."

"Holy things when used by faithful person is much powerful. Why? Not because of little metal star or little wooden cross. No, because of belief. Belief that good beats evil, because of strength that is inside people. For me, not believe�know. These little things, they are all I have left to give."

"Thank you," I said, and I meant it. The toys were physical manifestations of the Old Man, created from his memory and translated into the real world through unknown means. The little objects were like bottled faith.

It's really easy for a writer to just use "unknown means" as a way to get plot devices around without having to figure out how it happens or whether it should even be possible.

quote:

A sensation of sudden movement. An abrupt stop.

Dark. Cool. Damp. Musty.

I could sense the spirit that was the Old Man near at hand. There were other things in the dark as well. Not quite living, but refusing to be dead. The presence of the ancient and powerful vampires was thick in the cavern, as well as the oily taint of the Cursed One.

There was no light, but since I was not seeing through eyes, it did not matter. We were in a cave. A mammoth opening in the earth. Pillars of rock stretched from floor and ceiling, most of the stalactites and stalagmites far longer than I was tall. Banks of harsh artificial lights had been smashed and kicked over, leaving only shadow and broken glass.

I could feel the seven Masters. Not all were in the cave itself, but rather they were hunting or feeding in the night above. A few remained on guard, hanging suspended, invisible in the tangled rock overhead. The sense of their power was overwhelming. Susan Shackleford was there. Far younger than the others, but in my current state I could perceive just how dangerous she was�strong beyond all expectations for a vampire so young. The others were older, and some had even been alive when my ancestors were living in mud huts or paddling canoes across the oceans.

For a moment I was able to glimpse into their twisted minds. Their leader, Lord Machado's lieutenant, was the one known as Jaeger. He was also young. Not even undead for six decades, hated and feared by the others, he led them through his unnatural strength, granted not in the traditional manner of the vampire, but rather by the power of the ancient artifact�a tortured gift placed upon him at the moment of his human death, bound to the artifact, and sealed into the service of the Cursed One.

There were humans present as well. Several were being kept in a hole, too steep and slick to crawl out of. They were snacks. Grant Jefferson had been bound and tossed in a corner. Judging from his appearance he had been savagely beaten, but he was still alive. The Cursed One had his sacrifice.

The vampire leader, Jaeger, knelt at the rear of the chamber, a fearsome thing of awe-inspiring strength, now relegated to a mundane chore. He held an ancient conquistador's helmet and polished it, his narrow hands moving like a belt sander. The breastplate and ax that I had gotten to know so well sat on a cloth before him. He was a squire, preparing the colors of his knight before the final tournament. The feathered plume had long since turned to dust.

Something moved at the rear of the great chamber. A tear appeared in the solid rock and light seeped through the crack. It was similar to the rifts that the demons had used in Natchy Bottom, a hidden passage carved through space to someplace else, unnaturally grafted onto the walls of this cave long ago. I could see and understand the portal clearly in my disembodied state. The rift gradually widened as a glistening shape pushed its way through and slapped wetly onto the floor. The temperature dropped from chilly to freezing in seconds. The helpless humans whimpered in fear.

Lord Machado had returned.

I had a brief glimpse into the portal as it disappeared back into the rock. Dark sky flickered in the distance. It was the Place of Power.

The vampire bowed his head and presented the helmet to the waiting master. The withering mass reached down and plucked the antique from his servant's hands. The tentacles gently lifted the steel pot and set it on the skull-shaped protuberance, a crown upon a blighted brow.

The thing that was Lord Machado towered above the tall vampire. Still vaguely man-shaped, twisted and hardened bones formed the supports for the black pulsating tissues. Several tentacles dangled from where the arms would have been, and legs had been replaced with a veritable platform of withering limbs. Every inch of black flesh moved like a bucket of worms.

As terrifying as Machado is meant to look, the mental image of this tentacle monster putting on a big conquistador helmet comes off as a little silly to me.

Pitt remains stealthy for approximately five seconds before Machado notices the two ghosts hovering in the room. Jaeger is able to "grab" them with his power, which Pitt is unable to will himself away from.

quote:

Flee, Boy!

The spirit of Mordechai Byreika did not pull away. Instead he hurled himself against the onrushing vampires. An explosion of blue sparks lighted the cavern as his presence collided with Jaeger, smashing the vampire backwards across the cave in a brilliant display that blinded all of the undead. The vampire struck a stalactite with a resounding crack.

Take that, Nazi bastard! Payback is bitch!

The will of the Cursed One bore down upon Mordechai. The Old Man faced his adversary in a futile but noble gesture. For a brief instant the ghost became visible, holding his cane in his arthritic hands like a weapon, narrow shoulders hunched, eyes hard and jaws clenched. He swung at the onrushing blackness.

And was swept away.

Mordechai! No!

A wave of pain hits Pitt, the psychic remnants of Byreika's death entering his mind. He sees the old Polish hunter in the church in 1944 as Jaeger hacks his heart out with a gleaming blade...and the ritual fails. The time had not been right, and the power of the artifact dies at the same time as Mordechai Byreika.

quote:

The sacrifice bound to the artifact. Mordechai's spirit was chained and enslaved to the ancient box, decades passing, as he was trapped, helplessly bound to this world.

Until he found me.

He screamed as he experienced the pain of death all over again.

I knew I had to wake up. I fought my way forward, pushing away from the Cursed One, like a swimmer with lungs burning for air struggling toward the sky. There was a large tunnel out of the great cave. It was round corrugated metal. It was angled toward the surface.

Behind me the ghostly scream was cut short. The Cursed One returned his attention toward my fleeing spirit, searching, grasping. Energy slung past me like cracking whips. I knew that if I could reach the surface, if I could reach the air, I could return to my body and wake up.

It was close�the surface. I raced onward.

Then suddenly a silent conquistador stood in my path. Blocking my way.

No. Mordechai's sacrifice would not be in vain. I pushed forward.

The conquistador did not move.

It wore a silly cartoon grin. It had a big, stuffed, fake head.

What in the hell?

I broke through, the Cursed One raging below. My spirit soared into the night sky and tore across the horizon at impossible speeds. I was free.

Pitt wakes up, avoiding being slapped by Sam this time. He tells the hunters that Byreika is dead, which he quickly clarifies as dead dead. His clenched fist opens, scattering the little wooden toys on the floor.

Telling them what the cavern looks like, everyone scatters to try and find information. Then he mentions the stuffed conquistador.

quote:

"Friendly Fernando?" Milo interrupted.

"Who the gently caress is Friendly Fernando?" Harbinger snapped.

"Oh my . . ." Milo said, "Earl, some of us went there last year. Friendly Fernando is like the mascot. It's a tourist place. Biggest cave in the state. I can't believe you haven't been there, since you're from here and all. They even have a little theme park with some rides, and a water balloon tower, and a maze, kids love it, and a gift shop, and . . ."

Earl stood and grabbed the red-bearded Hunter by the shoulders. "Focus, man!"

Instead Julie answered, almost as if a light bulb had gone off over her head. "DeSoya Caverns. Lord Machado is in DeSoya Caverns."

Uhhh no, Larry, it's DeSoto Caverns.

# ? Jun 10, 2018 21:45

Somebody Awful: Nov 27, 2011; BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED

Maybe they'll stop at WcDonalds on the way.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 04:29

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Yoda! Noooooooo!

# ? Jun 11, 2018 10:48

Epicurius: Apr 10, 2010; College Slice

chitoryu12 posted:

At the same time, I believe he attempted to justify Bond being a hilariously awful person by saying �Look I make these books for red-blooded heterosexuals and this is what they�re into.�

"I'll keep writing this crap if they'll keep reading this crap." has been the mantra of many a successful author.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 12:46

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

We broke to prepare for our assault. Teams formed up. Weapons were readied. Intelligence was gathered.

"DeSoya Caverns Park is in Childersburg. Near Sylacauga. About seventy-five miles from here up the 231." Julie pointed at the map. The team leads were gathered while the rest of the Hunters were busy preparing for the mission.

Harbinger looked at his watch. "If we leave in three hours, we can arrive about the time the sun comes up. Gives everybody a chance to catch a little sleep, and some of our teams have been up for twenty-four hard hours straight. Tired Hunters make stupid decisions. And the last thing I want to do is land on this place when the Masters are awake and prowling."

Like I said in the last post, DeSoto Caverns is a real cave system in Childersburg. I'm not sure why Correia changed this or added Friendly Fernando. They cave can't have that many copyright lawyers.

quote:

"Can we just drop a bomb on it? Bury those bastards?" Boone asked.

"I don't think so," I answered. "The Cursed One was in something else. There's a hidden rift to somewhere else in the back of the cave. The cave itself isn't the Place of Power. It's just the entrance. If we blow the cave, we're probably doing him a favor, and he's going to be sitting fat and happy wherever that rift goes to."

"It could be a pocket dimension," Julie explained. "There have been cases of them in monster hunting history. Basically a bubble outside of the regular world, but attached to a fixed point. So if it is a pocket dimension, even if we smash the cavern, it won't touch the dimension, other than to bury the entrance."

"Then we go in after him," Harbinger ordered. "What do we know about this place? What makes it so special?"

Julie started to list off factoids. "Twelve stories tall. Football field wide inside. Lots of onyx and marble. First major cavern discovered in this country. During the Civil War, the Confederacy used it to mine saltpeter for gunpowder. During prohibition it was a speakeasy called the Bucket of Blood."

"So I'm guessing we won't be the first people to put some bullet holes in it," Eddings said.

"Nope. Plenty of people have been plugged in that cave. Before the Europeans showed up it was an Indian burial ground for at least two thousand years."

"So now we have a theme park and tourist attraction on top of it. Makes perfect sense," Mayorga pointed out. "The-two-thousand-year-old holy site explains why this is the target."

"I'm telling you, it's just the gateway," I insisted. "The Place is on the other side of the gate."

"Can you find the hidden gate and open it?" Harbinger asked pointedly.

"I don't know."

"Well, if you can't, plan B is to blow the whole place to hell."

Again, the history here is almost correct but not quite. The cave speakeasy was actually called The Bloody Bucket, but the rest of it is correct. I don't get it. Was he just half-remembering factoids and not bothering to look them up? Is he afraid of getting sued for including a real tourist attraction and changing a few small details in the hopes of avoiding it?

quote:

"Do we have the munitions to do something like that?" a Hunter named Cody asked. "I know we have evil genius Milo and whatnot, but even he can only do so much."

"Actually, I was thinking that if we don't stop the CO before the moon is up, we call the Feds. They'll just nuke the place."

"Good plan. Just give us time to get out from under the mushroom cloud first," Cody said. He was a big grizzled man. Other than the Boss and Dorcas, he was probably the oldest Hunter present. He turned to me, expressing some curiosity. "Hey, kid, is your dad Auhangamea Pitt?"

"Yeah," I answered, surprised. "You know him?"

"One of the baddest Green Berets to ever walk the face of the earth. He kept me alive when I was just a scared kid stuck on a firebase in the middle of nowhere. You look like him. Big and ugly."

"Thanks."

Auhangamea is a Polynesian name. I don't remember Pitt being listed as having any Polynesian blood in him?

Mayorga is still in favor of just blowing up the cavern, to hell with Grant and the other prisoners inside. Harbinger pulls rank and asks Pitt one last time if he can open the rift. He says yes, despite not really being sure himself. That settles it: they're raiding the caverns.

quote:

"Should we contact the Feds first? I know they're a bunch of dicks, but we're talking about the fate of the world here," VanZant asked.

The Boss spoke up for the first time. "No. We hit it at dawn. If we fail, then we call them. I would really prefer to see this handled without an atomic bomb used on my home state." He poked a hole in the map with his hook.

I'm pretty much always in favor of nuking Alabama, actually.

Harbinger officially promotes Pitt to team leader, specifically in charge of the only three newbies who have been important enough to remain in the plot this long.

quote:

Milo Anderson crashed into me. He excitedly pushed a loaded five-round Saiga magazine into my hand. He had an insane gleam in his eye, as he seemingly did whenever he had the opportunity to harness whole new forms of destruction.

"Think this is going to work?" I asked.

"Not a bad idea. They were oversize, so I had to trim them a smidgen. Hope that don't mess up the mojo. Lucky for you I had the reloading bench already set up for 12 gauge," he answered as he tugged absently on his beard. "If this works, it should be awesome. If not?" He shrugged.

"If not, at least my death should be relatively spectacular."

"That's the spirit." Milo grinned. "Lightweight projectiles. Low powder charge. This is short range only, like conversational-distance short range. Accuracy is going to suck. Penetration is going to be negligible. Probably won't have enough pressure to cycle Abomination's action. So plan on going manual."

"Can do. Thanks Milo."

"Good luck, Owen. I've got to go grab some spears and my garlic wreath. Catch you on the flip side." The strange Hunter ran to take care of his team's supplies.

I contemplated the magazine. I sure hoped this worked.

Yeah, we can all probably guess what those shells got loaded with.

quote:

The convoy of mismatched vehicles tore northward at dangerous speeds, dawn fast approaching. I sat in the passenger seat of one of the MHI Suburbans. My armor was still damp and cold from Natchy Bottom. You can't just drop twenty pounds of Kevlar and Cordura into the drier. I had my shotgun clenched between my knees. Over a dozen magazines of assorted 12-gauge ammunition and 40mm grenades rode in pouches on my chest and sides. I was wearing both of the STI .45s that Julie had given me, along with several magazines of silver bullets. My ganga ram was strapped across my chest, and several sharpened white-oak stakes rode in a pouch on my back. I had smoke, frag and incendiary hand grenades. And just for luck, on my ankle I was wearing the little .357 which I had used against Mr. Huffman.

I had used our last few hours to get some much-needed sleep. I had not dreamt, and I felt a chill loneliness. I was certain now: The Old Man was gone.

The wipers beat rhythmically. The rain was increasing, running almost like rivers down the road. The wind was howling and the big vehicle rocked as strong gusts hit us. Being the only one of us who had lived through any hurricanes, Trip assured us that this storm was not far behind in intensity. The sheets of falling water were so thick that I could barely see the taillights of the vehicle ahead of us.

The storm had come out of nowhere. It had the mark of the Cursed One on it. I worried about Julie, buckled into the Hind with the rest of her team. Surely Skippy would get them through.

The Newbie team had been crammed into the overloaded Suburban for the trip. Holly had taken to calling us the rainbow coalition team, since we had one white female, and males of the Black, Asian, and Other categories. All we needed was a lesbian and a guy in a wheelchair and we were ready to salve even the biggest liberal's angst. The others were sharing the second row of seats, and the driver was a talkative little Hunter named Gus, out of Hurley's team in Miami.

Gus is telling a story about hunting a nest of vampires in a small town near Pensacola. Apparently the mayor was a big Anne Rice fan and wanted to reason with the vampires. Because vampires are turned evil by getting made vampires, they just ate her.

His story is interrupted by a radio message from Harbinger, asking for a lift; the storm over Alabama is so strong that even Skippy can't fly in this weather, so he's setting down in a clearing to let off Harbinger and his team. The convoy slows down for something as tornado sirens begin to blare in the darkness.

quote:

Other noises could be heard over the rain, thumping against the roof of the Suburban. Small round things were smacking wetly against the window.

"Now, that's different," Gus said as the wipers knocked away the blood and meat on the windshield.

"Dude, roll the window up!" I shouted.

"Oh, gross!" Trip exclaimed as something hit him.

It was raining frogs. Thousands of tiny amphibians were striking us, bouncing off of the hood or road. Some were falling faster than others, hitting hard enough to explode in little red puffs.

"Isn't this from like the Ten Commandments? Let's get out of here before the plague of locusts show up," Lee suggested nervously.

"Well, actually, it's not an unknown phenomenon to have it rain frogs," I said. "Tornadoes or water spouts can pick them up and drop them someplace else. Fish too."

"Not the time for trivia, Z," Holly said.

I bit my tongue. My attempt at explaining the phenomenon was rather lame. We all knew what this meant. This was the day. One of the frogs examined me through the glass before the wiper batted it aside, leaving only a red smear.

MHI assembles in the parking lot of a small grocery store a few miles from the caverns. A few locals come out of their homes to stare at the group in paramilitary gear.

quote:

Sam nudged me and pointed across the lot. A local teenager in a yellow rain slicker approached one of our parked vehicles, a three-quarter-ton pickup hooked to a gooseneck horse trailer. It belonged to our orc contingent. Overcome by curiosity, the kid peered over the side door, only to stumble backwards and fall into a mud puddle when something large slammed into the sheet metal and growled.

"Hey, kid! It ain't polite to poke your nose in other folks' business. You trying to lose a hand?" Sam shouted.

"What was that? Who are you guys?" the kid shouted, suddenly afraid.

"It's your momma. And we're the circus. Now scram!" Sam let his duster jacket open to reveal his armor and .45-70.

The kid pulled himself up and ran back toward his home, probably trying to figure out what exactly it was that he had seen in that horse trailer.

Boone gives word that a group of US National Guard soldiers has been spotted blocking the road and a squad of Feds entered.

quote:

"If they are on site, figure that they've been turned," Julie said.

"You mean I might get to stake a Fed?" Sam asked with far too much eagerness. "Oh, that would be fricking awesome."

"Easy there, big fella. Only if they're dead," Harbinger warned. "This is it, folks. Any questions?"

The group was silent. Our radio channel was open so the Hunters still sitting in the running vehicles could hear. No one asked anything.

"Fine then." Harbinger cleared his throat before continuing. "Whatever happens, I want y'all to know that I'm proud. Most of you know how long I've been doing this, and you know I won't lie. This is the finest group of Hunters MHI has ever assembled. I mean that. You know what to do. You're the best of the best. I would take this crew against the gates of hell themselves if God would give us the contract. With these teams we could collect PUFF on the four horsemen of the apocalypse. It's an honor to have led you into battle, the greatest honor I've ever had. Like the memorial wall says, Sic transit gloria mundi. We're mortals, but the deeds we do are the stuff of legend, and your courage will live forever. Know that, and be sure. You're the modern versions of Beowulf, of St. George, of Odysseus. You're Van Helsing with firepower. You're Jack and the Beanstalk with automatic weapons. We're walking in the valley of the shadow of death, but we shall fear no evil! Because evil is about to get a stake put through its black heart because we are the baddest mother-fuckers to ever set foot in the valley!" he finished in a roar.

A cheer rose from the Hunters. I pumped my fist into the air and shouted. All of the horns were honked. The wargs in the trailer began to howl. I was surprised that nobody started shooting into the air. That was probably just because they wanted to save ammunition.

Harbinger paused, looking out into the rain. A malicious grin split his face. He finally continued. "Good hunting. Move out."

The word "puff" ruins everything.

chitoryu12 fucked around with this message at 20:17 on Jun 11, 2018

# ? Jun 11, 2018 20:15

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# ? May 22, 2024 12:37

Up Circle: Apr 3, 2008

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_nPp64OrBc

# ? Jun 11, 2018 20:39

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > Texas Concealed Carry Law And You - Let's Read Monster Hunter International

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