- Acebuckeye13
- Nov 2, 2010
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Ultra Carp
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Fancy's posts from that era were truly a sight to behold, and I pity those who didn't witness them in person.
quote:
Dearest NFL:
Because of your rules regarding the coverage of games in overtime - games that, by their very nature, are more interesting than anything else you can put on TV at any point - this is how I learned how the Buffalo Bills, a fine team made of upstanding gentlemen, had won their first game.
Talking about what happened in the game as time expired, rather than showing it
Moments later, showing the replay after it had just been described by the Van Full of Retards
Instead of showing the decisive 2-point conversion, the Van Full of Retards is shown looking to their right, not speaking, and then all going OHHHHHHHHHH!
Being left to figure out what that sound meant for about five seconds
This bears clarification: Instead of showing me the ending play of a football match, you show me five guys watching television off-screen
I AM WATCHING PEOPLE WATCHING TELEVISION ON MY TELEVISION
SUCK MY loving DICK NFL
I HOPE WORTHLESS PIECES OF poo poo LIKE ANDREW LUCK GET $150 MILLION SIGNING BONUSES AND THEN SPEND IT ENTIRELY ON ALLERGY MEDICATIONS TO MELT DOWN INTO METHAMPHETAMINES
You do not deserve money and I hate you
You couldn't even show me the Bills having the opposite thing that's happened to them all year, whereas I got to see the FG by Succop as time expired every five minutes for the remainder of the day
Shortly thereafter I switch to CBS and they show me small glimpses of Jets-Browns in overtime, but once it passes 4:15 EST, James Brown tells me "I wish we could show you the end of this amazing game, but NFL rules state that we cannot show any more now that we've passed 4:15."
What if I'm gay
What if I could continue seeing clips of this game, but instead of on CBS, I could see them in Gamebreak format on Fox
When the players get more of your money, I hope they take your daughters to faraway lands and introduce them to a mutual friend of theirs, known only as "Eagle." Eagle will then sell them into slavery.
When this happens, I will send Eagle a telegram that is actually a number of taped-together pieces of construction paper in the shape of the American flag
The telegram will read "Go Bills"
Toodles,
~ Fancy
quote:
Alright so a game's happening today maybe you heard about it.
ONE TEAM IN NEW YORK. THERE'S ONLY ONE TEAM IN NEW YORK.
It's not the team with the fat foot fetish head coach and wide receivers who attempt to revolt. Which I love, because the idea of wide receivers revolting is like HR trying to say they are sick and tired of having to return all these incorrectly done tax forms. YOU STUPID IDIOTS, YOU PUT THE PASSPORT IN SECTION A, THE DRIVER'S LICENSE IN SECTION B AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY CARD IN SECTION C. WE HAD A MEETING ABOUT THIS. READ OUR MEMOS. But the fact of the matter is that this is a team that thought signing Plaxico Burress was an answer to anything. And they play in Jersey in the Metlifedowlands. They could've had their own home and instead they kept towing the line, making them either Scotland or Quebec. Whichever one of these portions of the world you hate more, it ought to be Quebec. gently caress them.
It's not the team with the head coach trying to morph into Al Davis and the quarterback that reminds us that there's a Manning in their midst. It's been awhile and I think we can all agree that trading the universe and Philip Rivers for Eli was one of those things you do because you're stupid and gently caress you. Imagine how much more hilarious San Diego would've been with Eli Manning. Remember those days? WAAAAAAH I DON'T WANNA PLAY IN A CITY WITH NICE WEATHER FOR A BAD FOOTBALL TEAM. Only it turned out the football team would become really really good and find new and innovative ways to lose playoff games. Seriously, picture an Eli-led Chargers. All those picks against those Patriots and Colts teams over the years would get more and more hilarious and Philip Rivers would've been hailed as a Gutsy QB With Swagger, because New York City loves pieces of poo poo to root for. They want to be pieces of poo poo, too, New Yorkers. So much so that they're willing to play in Jersey just to be even more angry and feel like even BIGGER pieces of poo poo.
It's not the goddamned Patriots either, you plastic assholes. I grew up in Syracuse, where you had your choice of teams to root for. Did you want the Bills, Giants, Jets or Patriots? They're all equally far-ish away, so it's all whatever. The head coach of Syracuse, whose name I don't remember and can't be loving bothered to look up, Coach Mac, he went to the Patriots to save them. He went 2-14 and I laughed a lot. Then Bill Parcells showed up and poo poo got stupid in a hurry. And look at them now. Being a Patriots fan means you want to see a deathmarch in football form. I admire the Patriots from afar, because they somehow find a way to be smug and evil and human all at once these days. It's endearing, like Dexter.
But there's only one team in New York, and it is the BUFFALO loving BILLS.
Look at this loving buffalo. He's running with all his knees bending at once in midair, which if you could do in real life would be amazing to watch in the same way that Going To The Store video on YouTube fascinates you. Can you actually move like that? No, you can't, but this buffalo with a laser coming out its god damned ear can.
There's only one team in New York, and the only team that it lost to lives in South Ohio, can't have any of its games broadcast due to blackout rules, and can't even have the decency to be terrible when everything about them is repugnant. I like to think this is what the Bills deserve for sheltering the Browns. The Bengals did not approve.
There's only one team in New York, and it's time to remind that other blue team that pretends it has something to do with New York who actually belongs here. New York City is a town of pricks, and Buffalo is a town of drunken Yankee rednecks. There's a difference between the two, and most of it is fatness. Look at Buffalo. Fat. Fatalo. Buffat. WHERE THE gently caress ARE MY CHICKEN WINGS AND WHERE THE gently caress IS MY GENNESSEE.
There's only one team in New York, and can't we all agree that NYC doesn't deserve nice things? Western New York deserves nice things. All the beer bottling plants closed. There's a nuclear power plant that is, in fact, the exact duplicate of Fukushima Daiichi. There's a Nestle plant about ninety minutes east of town in Fulton, NY, "The City With A Future," which made the town bearable on the basis of everything smelling of chocolate in the afternoon. Don't live in poo poo towns with paper mills or funeral homes. Live in the chocolate city. You'll never regret it.
The Buffalo Football Bills are the only team in New York. They're going to score a million points on the basis of beards and blocking. They're going to pick off Eli Manning five times in the first half. They're going to remind themselves via injury report that Shawne Merriman still has a job, and it's all our fault.
Get loose get lucid. American football begins soon. Where the gently caress is my whiskey.
quote:
Guys!
Hey!
THERE'S FOOTBALL TODAY!!!!!!
It's a special day, motherfuckers. It's not every day that this happens so you should really sit up and give it the respect it deserves.
The Buffalo Bills are playing in Canada today.
Now there's football in Canada and sometimes you can get drunk and watch it on your local Comcast Sportsnet or Fox Sports Net or you're one of those assholes with all the FiOS channels and you get NFL Network. And it's Friday and you're too drunk to leave the house. This happens. This happens often if you are a Fancy rear end Ho, which I often am. But then you turn on the television and holy poo poo! It's football! Real live football! But wait a second hold on I don't understand it's all WEIRD. What the gently caress are these extra ten yards. Wait a minute, did they just score a point for punting it into the end zone? WHAT THE gently caress IS GOING ON AM I IN AUSTRALIA. No you're not, because then all the players would be drunk and the playoff brackets would criss-cross and you would lose your loving mind.
Naw man. You in Canada.
So people think that people weren't going to Bills games in Buffalo because Buffalo is a dying, post-industrial wasteland, basically Detroit without the cars. I know of one industry in Buffalo that's still thriving, because they do stuff here in Washington, DC - expo services. Hale Northeastern, a company that provides pipe and drape, tables and chairs, carpet, and all sorts of very cheap materials rented at a markup that would cause any small business owner to attempt to Occupy Buffalo. Which would be nice because then somebody would actually be occupying Buffalo, New York. They'd quite like that and the mayor would stop sitting around waiting for something to do. Seriously, he's solved that Rubik's Cube twenty times now and he can do it blackout drunk and it's not even remotely dignified.
And now he can't even go to the loving Bills game! I mean, he can, but what the gently caress? It's in Toronto! They already have a team! A team where Cleo Lemon has a job. There's a football team in the world and Cleo Lemon plays for it. poo poo, he was STARTING FOR IT.
And people ignored that team too, because it's poo poo and bad Canadian football is as unwatchable as bad American football. So the NFL tries to make inroads with Canada by sending the Bills to Toronto, which can make sense sorta. Except until this year, the Bills were bad at football. This is like trying to convert people to Christianity by sending Westboro Baptist Church to Togo. Millions of meth-addled middle-schoolers will gun them down with AK-47's. This is how I felt about the Bills for awhile because JP Losman and Trent Edwards were the quarterbacky answers.
BUT NO LONGER!
Look at them now. Look at all the crazy things that happen. Look at Ryan Fitzpatrick. He got a brand new contract that'll afford him all the shaving gel and badass grooming kits he could ever want. But he doesn't want them because he is a loving LUMBERJACK. THE SMARTEST LUMBERJACK IN THE UNIVERSE.
So sending a team to Toronto makes sense now! Like, remember that poo poo team that'd come in after the Blue Jays hosed off? They're good now! You should see it. They actually kinda look like a CFL team now because they're throwing all over creation. Except they have Fred Jackson, who is basically this:
wait that's not what he is at all. no wait. He totally is. He is HOOTIN' AND TOOTIN' FREDDYJAX. He Tecmobowls people and it's supergreat.
Anyhow they have an enemy today and they are my enemy and they are the Washington Redskins. Everything about them is evil.
Their name is evil because to a Native American, you're basically cheering for the Landover Niggers. This should bother you. It bothers them quite a bit.
Their owner is evil because he sued ticketholders for daring to be hosed by the economy. No, really. The recession hit and season ticket holders would call the ticket office being like, "Hey, that ten year contract made a lot more sense when I had money. Now I don't have money. Please help." Oh, Dan Snyder helped alright. He sued whoever was dumb enough to do that, took the tickets back, and then sold them on StubHub. That's right - he sold tickets twice.
Their stadium is evil because it's placed on the Capital Beltway, which is a layer of hell unique to the mid-Atlantic. It also has the sort of policies where free Metro shuttles will be advertised for games, and once you use them, you suddenly discover there's a gate fenced off by bike-racks, where the entry fee is $20. To walk to the stadium. You loving cocksucker team.
Their fans are evil because they feed the beast worse than any other team in modern sports. They support things because they're holding on to the past, like battered housewives remembering how sweet Lester was before he started bringing home the bottles of MD 20/20. They know this is a poo poo football team assembled by a conveyor belt of mad scientists, but they pay insane amounts of money to come watch them be awful. But they hope! They hope sweet, hilarious false hope! Each win is confirmation of the Super Bowl they know in their hearts is destined for this year. And then they go 5-11 and fire a bunch of people, then Snyder hires a new coach and signs someone to a contract that doubles as the GDP of Tajikistan.
Their players are evil because they know why they're here. They're here to be rich. Players nationwide, should they hope to be rich rather than successful, hope to "get a piece of that Dan Snyder money." I forget who said that, I want it to be DeAngelo Hall, but really I want it to be me. I want a piece of that Dan Snyder money. I want to carve it from his hide.
This awful team continues to be supported, continues to exist, whereas my beloved Buffalo Bills are being forced to go to Canada once a year, just to see if they can sell out a stadium at triple the regular price just by having the novelty of something you can go 90 miles southwest from Toronto and see your drat self.
Thing is - The Bills Must Win Today. It is that which makes the light shine brighter, that means a team that would hire a coach who would allow John Beck anywhere near the field (A FedEx Field security guard even knew better!), that signifies that God is alive and loves us all.
But the sun will not shine on Buffalo. They play in a dome. Instead of the bitter cold that could ruin anyone's day, they'll be in a god damned DOME. THIS IS loving STUPID.
The Bills must find their own sun. They must bring it in and burn Rogers Center, or Skydome, or The Not Ralph, straight to the ground. They must burn and purify that which harms all that is good, specifically Washington. When they lose, they'll say the better team lost. Which is always hilarious. I'm sad Santana Moss died, because he was always reliable for that quote, which was always the signifier of a five game losing streak.
Moss will burn. Shanahan will burn. THE BILLS WILL BURN THEM. WITH BACKWARDS MAPLE LEAF LASER EARS.
whiskey please for laser ear fans, we must watch football soon
God it was so tragic watching them collapse that year, and Fancy along with them.
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Jun 5, 2018 01:28
Sorry Nick.
