hamjobs posted:

bell jar posted:

burger law is just one of the many areas of jurisprudence handled by the food court

Duckbox posted:

2043: Hamburger University researcher Dr. Quentin P. Nupikals proposes the creation of the Forensic Reconstructive Electronic Investigation System, a deep learning AI designed to track burger crime. His grant is approved.

2045: The F.R.E.I.S. comes online and its algorithms immediately begin identifying vital clues the human investigators overlooked. Dozens of cold cases are reopened.

2047-2049: Numerous suspects are apprehended including the Fresno Frostee Freak, the Kentucky Ketchup Killer, and the Nantucket Drive-Thru Mumbler. F.R.E.I.S. ironclad data secures quick convictions.

2050: F.R.E.I.S.' analysis implicates President Jimmy "Special Sauce" Gorgonzola in the Extracheesegate scandal, forcing him to resign. Right wing extremists sweep into power on a platform of "family value menus."

2051: Flush with fame and power, Dr. Nupikals begins to reprogram F.R.E.I.S. for predictive analysis. The AI becomes capable of predicting future burger crime with 99.8% accuracy.

2052: Gugliermo McSlushy, a vintner's apprentice from Syracuse, New York becomes the first person convicted under the Predestined Burgcrimes Act. He is charged with intent to dip french fries in his shake.

2053-2058: Over the next five years, dozens more pre-assailants are arrested on pre-suspicion of pre-crime and burger crime rates drop to an all-time low.

2059: Dr. Nupikals is awarded the Nobel Prize in Hamburgers.

2060: A re-pre-investigation of the McSlushy case reveals that he's lactose intolerant and "more of an onion rings guy." F.R.E.I.S.' predictive algorithm is called into question and charges against McSlushy and numerous other burger pre-criminals are dropped.

2061: After public outrcry, F.R.I.E.S. is dismantled and Dr. Nupikals is blacklisted from academia. Inconsolable, he takes own life by standing in a Jack in the Box drive through at 2 am and waiting for a hungry stoner to run him over.

2063: Hidden camera footage captures Gugliermo McSlushy of Syracuse, New York dipping a curly fry in a McDonald's chocolate shake. Under court questioning he states, "there's barely any dairy in there anyway."