law and order: burger law

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Duckbox

Luvcow posted:

*law and order opening sound effects*

scene opens as a heavily pierced and tattooed, edgy looking teenager wearing a limp bizkit t-shirt orders at a mcdonalds

edgy teen: "just a cup for water"

the tired looking man at the counter cautiously hands him the cup and keeps his eye on him as he walks away, the next customer in line steps forward and orders a number 5. the camera follows the teen as he approaches the drink machine, zooming in to show the cup filling with ice, the sound drowning out the rest of the noise.

edgy teen's even edgier friend: whispering "just do it dude..." muffled laughter

the edgy looking teen moves his drink over to the mountain dew nozzle and fills his cup. just then the audible click of a gun can be heard and the camera pans over to show detective stabler ready to fire a shot through the teen's temple

detective. stabler: "not today scumbag"

in a flurry of chaotic events the edgier teen runs out the front door, giving the edgy teen enough time to turn and throw his cup of mountain dew in detective stabler's face, causing him to fall to the ground writhing in pain. the camera pans back to show the teen jumping the counter and running through the kitchen, overturning a rack and throwing several burgers at the now pursuing stabler. cut to the outside and the back door flies open, the edgy teen running out into the sunlight where he is abruptly clotheslined by detective benson. stabler arrives moments later and both aim their guns at the frightened teen.

stabler: "you're going away for a long time kid..."

opening theme plays and the title letters roll across the screen

man, this show is completely unrealistic. no one wastes space on ice. fuckin old people will buy anything

# ¿ Jun 19, 2018 11:36

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 18:06

Duckbox

ice t holds up a burger: "you ever seen anything like this before?"

other guy: "sure it's a double double."

ice-t: "look closer, this ain't your daddy's burger it's got extra sauce, whole grilled onion, and even peppers inside. that's some high-grade secret menu poo poo. this kid's connected. there's more, look at this shake."

"chocolate?"

"no, neapolitan"

"son of a bitch."

# ¿ Jun 19, 2018 11:47

Duckbox

2043: Hamburger University researcher Dr. Quentin P. Nupikals proposes the creation of the Forensic Reconstructive Electronic Investigation System, a deep learning AI designed to track burger crime. His grant is approved.

2045: The F.R.E.I.S. comes online and its algorithms immediately begin identifying vital clues the human investigators overlooked. Dozens of cold cases are reopened.

2047-2049: Numerous suspects are apprehended including the Fresno Frostee Freak, the Kentucky Ketchup Killer, and the Nantucket Drive-Thru Mumbler. F.R.E.I.S. ironclad data secures quick convictions.

2050: F.R.E.I.S.' analysis implicates President Jimmy "Special Sauce" Gorgonzola in the Extracheesegate scandal, forcing him to resign. Right wing extremists sweep into power on a platform of "family value menus."

2051: Flush with fame and power, Dr. Nupikals begins to reprogram F.R.E.I.S. for predictive analysis. The AI becomes capable of predicting future burger crime with 99.8% accuracy.

2052: Gugliermo McSlushy, a vintner's apprentice from Syracuse, New York becomes the first person convicted under the Predestined Burgcrimes Act. He is charged with intent to dip french fries in his shake.

2053-2058: Over the next five years, dozens more pre-assailants are arrested on pre-suspicion of pre-crime and burger crime rates drop to an all-time low.

2059: Dr. Nupikals is awarded the Nobel Prize in Hamburgers.

2060: A re-pre-investigation of the McSlushy case reveals that he's lactose intolerant and "more of an onion rings guy." F.R.E.I.S.' predictive algorithm is called into question and charges against McSlushy and numerous other burger pre-criminals are dropped.

2061: After public outrcry, F.R.I.E.S. is dismantled and Dr. Nupikals is blacklisted from academia. Inconsolable, he takes own life by standing in a Jack in the Box drive through at 2 am and waiting for a hungry stoner to run him over.

2063: Hidden camera footage captures Gugliermo McSlushy of Syracuse, New York dipping a curly fry in a McDonald's chocolate shake. Under court questioning he states, "there's barely any dairy in there anyway."

# ¿ Jun 25, 2018 11:10

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