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chitoryu12 posted:How have they not had a single thought at any point that this might be a bad idea? That someone who's gone to all this effort to fill the cave with warning signs and traps might not be too happy with a bunch of nosy Brits showing up in their secret treasure stash or smuggler's cave? These knuckleheads would try to break into the Joker's hideout
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# ? Mar 16, 2020 21:58 |
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# ? May 8, 2024 06:58 |
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sebmojo posted:I'm guessing... Jewel thieves? Gonna say smugglers and/or wreckers, based on the proximity to the sea, the earlier mention of wreckers on Godwin's Sands, and how smugglers seemed to be the go-to criminals for plucky gangs of children to thwart in british novels of that era
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# ? Mar 16, 2020 23:21 |
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Whatever the dastardly Frenchman is up to in that cave will be reason enough to interfere with his perfidious scheming, by Jingo!
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 03:51 |
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This is loving precious is what this is.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 05:46 |
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chitoryu12 posted:“By golly, you’re a clever girl, Jemima! I do believe you’ve found the secret.” He called to the other two. “Stand back, everyone. I’m going to press down this switch. Heaven only knows what’ll happen. Ready?” And he pressed down the switch. Ian Fleming never posted:Instantly, razor-sharp blades shot forth from concealed apertures, severing Commander Pott's arms and legs in a flash!
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 16:26 |
Chapter 8: A Nest of Crooks and Gangstersquote:From somewhere inside the walls of the cave there came a deep rumbling and grinding of machinery, as, very slowly, the jagged zigzag crack in the solid wall widened and widened and widened until the two halves of what was really a secret door slid sideways into deep slots in the side walls of the cave. And what do you think CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG’s lights showed through the opening? A huge vaulted room, quite as big as the inside of your village church, and all round the sides were cases and boxes and barrels and sacks neatly stacked up against the walls. It was an underground warehouse — a very secret warehouse for secret things. What could these things be? And who owned them? And why did the owners want to keep them secret? And why did they want a very private cave leading down through the cliff to the sea? And where were the owners? And, since it all smelt so strongly of secrecy, and therefore probably of unlawfulness, how nasty could these owners be? I think I found this place in Skyrim once! quote:These questions and many others ran through all their minds, and Commander Pott put their thoughts in a nutshell when he put his hands on his hips and declared, “Ho hum! I smell dirty work! Now then, everyone, switch on the brains! Full power! What do we do next?” Yes! quote:But Jeremy and Jemima just wouldn’t agree to this. They were both the tiniest bit trembly about the way the adventure was going, but they had inherited some of their father’s exploring bug and they were terribly eager to discover the secrets of the big underground vault. “Oh, please, Mimsie,” they both pleaded together, “do let’s find out what it’s all about.” No! quote:Commander Pott reflected and said, “Well, Mimsie, after all, no one’s going to eat us. And the children don’t seem worried. I vote we see the adventure through. It would be ghastly reversing CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG the whole way back now over a mile of cave to the sea. Besides, we’ve been climbing all the way and we can’t be far from the top of the cliff. The cave obviously goes on out of this vault on the other side and leads on to the top. Come on, we’ll drive the car up onto the level floor of the vault and give her a rest and then have a good explore. After all, this is pretty thrilling and we really must get to the bottom of the secret.” This is peak Irresponsible Dad. quote:“All right, darling,” said Mimsie rather reluctantly. “You know I’m just as keen as you are to find out what this is all about. But if you ask me, there’s something pretty fishy about all this — something, well, something criminal. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we hadn’t come upon a nest of crooks and gangsters. I only hope none of them appear while we’re looking into their secret hoard!” And thus begins the tale of how Commander Caractacus Pott and his family were found dismembered, washing up on the shore of Dover. quote:While the others piled out and began carefully sniffing about round the edge of the bales and barrels and packages, Commander Pott went back and found the switch on their side of the secret door, and with a grind and a hum of machinery, the two halves came together again. Then he came back and they all systematically began to pry and peer into the secret stocks that were piled up round the walls of the big, echoing vault. Someone is going to die in this room. quote:Mimsie called out anxiously, “Now, don’t touch anything, children. You can look, but not touch. Something might go off.” (Mothers are always thinking something is going to go off — on Guy Fawkes Day, for instance, with the fireworks. And very often mothers are right about this. I must admit that Jeremy and Jemima knew this through one bitter experience with a box of jumping-crackers, and they were very careful about the way they peered into the boxes and bales.) When people describe this as James Bond for kids, they ain't loving kidding! quote:Finally they all came together again in the middle of the vault, and they looked at their father to see what he was going to say about this extraordinary and rather frightening discovery. Amazingly, this is one of the only addresses in this thread that isn't even a real street! quote:“Now, he’s the man I’ve read about from time to time as being responsible for most of the bank robberies and hold-ups in England that the papers are always full of. But the police have never been able to catch him and they’ve never even been able to find out where he gets his weapons from. Well, there’s no doubt about it. This is his secret arms dump, and I bet my bottom dollar he smuggles what he wants from time to time over the Channel on foggy nights by speed-boat. Now”— Commander Pott scratched his head —“what do we do next?” This is incredible. quote:“Don’t be silly, darling,” said Mimsie. “What about us and CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG? Do you want to blow us up too?” Just casually detonating a hardened criminal's entire hideout and going out for dinner! Fun for the whole family! quote:So they piled back into CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG, and she started up with her two sneezes and two small explosions and they motored between the packing-cases and up the slope and out of the secret vault with its huge hoard of explosives and guns that belonged to the biggest crook in England — Joe the Monster! Are we sure this was written for kids? We're getting a little Anarchist's Cookbook Junior. quote:The entrance was hidden behind a big clump of bushes in an old disused quarry, but CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG nosed her way through and they bumped and banged across the rough floor of the quarry until they came to a cart track that led away across the fields to one of the French main roads about ten miles away. There is no way this man is qualified for this. quote:Commander Pott got out of the car, took the rest of the roll of fuse from Jeremy, cut off the end, and threw the rest of the coil into the back of the car. Then he knelt down and put a match to the end of the fuse. I legitimately cannot believe this is happening in a children's book. quote:“It must be close now,” cried Commander Pott excitedly, and even as he said “now,” there came a deep rumbling roar from right down inside the cliff, the ground shook, a great yellow jet of flame shot out of the quarry they had just left, and from the edge of the cliff there came a distant flash and a deep boom, and a pillar of smoke rose slowly into the air as the force of the explosion rushed down the long cave and burst out down by the edge of the sea. Then there came a series of smaller underground explosions and crackles as the ammunition-boxes blew up one by one and the bombs and cartridges caught fire, and then there came one last terrific roar and whoosh of flame out of the quarry and to seawards, and there was a crackling and rumbling noise in the ground and the cliff-top above the cave split open and smoke and flame came out, like a mixture between a volcano and an earthquake. And then the smoking crack in the ground closed again, leaving a big dent in the grass where the inside of the cliff had collapsed, filling in the underground vault and the remains of the cave.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 19:54 |
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If Bond is the worst spy, this is the worst dad.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 20:04 |
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Yeah, just a little bit of underground demolition work to liven up the weekend getaway.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 21:19 |
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quote:“I know, I know, I know!” cried Jeremy excitedly. “Blow it all up!” As a kid I would be 100% Team Jeremy. Hell, as an adult I’m 100% Team Jeremy here.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 22:31 |
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chitoryu12 posted:I legitimately cannot believe this is happening in a children's book. Yeah, it's pretty obvious why this bit didn't make it into the movie.
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# ? Mar 17, 2020 23:05 |
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Runcible Cat posted:Yeah, it's pretty obvious why this bit didn't make it into the movie. Well, they do say the French are supposed to be our allies now.
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# ? Mar 18, 2020 02:00 |
Chapter 9: Mortal Dangerquote:“That’s the biggest bang I’ve ever heard,” Commander Pott said. “Now, come on! We’d better get away quick from here before we have to do any explaining. There’s that farmer’s car still coming, and people will have heard that bang as far away as Calais. They’ll even have heard it right across the Channel in England. We’d better steal quietly away, and when we get back to England I’ll go and explain things to Scotland Yard. I bet they won’t make a fuss. Probably even give us all medals! It’s getting dark, and I bet you’re all starving. I know I am.” And he put CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG into gear, and she roared along the cart track just as if she was as hungry and thirsty as all of them. "I'm sure there will be no consequences at all for what we just did!" quote:BUT — Ah. quote:As they approached what they thought had been a farmer’s car, they saw it was a big black open tourer, a very powerful-looking car indeed. It had drawn itself right across the track so as not to let them pass, and four men had got out and were standing, or rather crouching down, and three of them had revolvers in their hands. One of them, a huge unshaven giant of a man with shoulders as big as a gorilla’s, came slowly towards where Commander Pott had been forced to pull up. He looked as if he would burst with rage, and his eyes were red with fury and his lips were drawn back from his big yellow teeth in a snarl. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LehcJeNbFBw The film has no gangster plot whatsoever. Instead, the villain is Baron Bomburst (played by Gert Fröbe, better known as Goldfinger), tyrannical ruler of the island of Vulgaria, who wants to capture Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for himself. The vacation on Goodwin Sands is instead an attack by the Baron's pirates, and when he accidentally captures Lord Scrumptious and Caractacus Pott's father the family flies off to save them. Far better known than the actual antagonist is the Child Catcher, who kidnaps children on the island. Roald Dahl and Ken Hughes both fought over who actually invented the character for the screenplay, but the performance by Australian ballet dancer Robert Helpmann turned him into an iconic 1960s children's movie villain. quote:Commander Pott whispered, “I regret to have to announce that that’s Joe the Monster. I’ve seen pictures of him outside police stations. And the other three are his gang — Man-Mountain Fink, who’s escaped from heaven knows how many prisons — he must be on the run now; Soapy Sam — he’s their explosives expert for opening safes (‘soap’ is the crooks’ name for gelignite), and Blood-Money Banks, the blackmailer. Watch out! This is going to be tricky!” They just open fire while Commander Pott is in the middle of explaining this. quote:Joe the Monster came up to the car. In his most threatening manner, he growled, “And who might you all be? And what might you all know about that there explosion what’s just taken place?” You people are loving dead. quote:“Bit of a pop!” Joe the Monster almost exploded himself. He turned round. “Hear that, mates?” He said in a mincing voice, “They think they may have heard a bit of a pop.” He turned back threateningly. “Bit of a pop! Call that whopping volcano a bit of a pop? Why, it sounded like the end of the world!” Now his voice was an angry growl. “I saw you folks drive up out of the quarry and I happen, I just happen like, to see a roll of fuse beside those little rascals in the back seat.” (Oh dear, thought Jeremy and Jemima together, we ought to have sat on it!) “So do you know what I’m going to do with you and this saucy-looking bus of yours?” He gave a great cackle of cruel laughter. “Why, in exchange for you having blown up my belongings, I’m going to blow up yours and you all with it. See? I’m going to light the end of that fuse and put the lighted end in the petrol tank of your fancy motor-car and up you’ll all go! How do you like the thought of that, eh, my fine little family of meddlers in other people’s business?” He turned to the other gangsters. “Get your guns ready, men, and if any of these rascals try to escape, shoot them down like rabbits. Get it?” The dreadful gangsters cackled with joy at the thought of the sport they were going to have, and the Pott family heard the click of the safety-catches going back. Fleming really loved gangsters, didn't he? He finally got to make a classic London gangster! quote:“Now then, you little monkey in the back there, hand over that length of fuse or it’ll be the worse for you.” And he pointed his revolver straight at Jeremy. How is this a children's book? quote:“Ho-ho!” Joe the Monster grimaced with fury at the insult. “You young whipper-snapper. I’ll teach you to do what you’re told,” and he took a big black billy club out of his pocket and walked purposefully towards the car. And then Chitty sprouted auto-targeting shotguns! quote:“Hang on,” shouted Commander Pott. “And keep your heads down.” And he rammed the accelerator down into the floorboards. You just got shot at! Please take this seriously! quote:The others made whewing noises and thanked heaven for the way their magical CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG had saved them from the gangsters’ terrible revenge. You're just...checking into the biggest hotel you see in the first town you get into? While being chased by armed criminals? quote:Commander Pott filled up the car with petrol and oil and water, checked the batteries and the tyres and drove the car into a comfortable garage beside the hotel. Once he had seen that she seemed contented and in good order, he decided to leave her washing and polishing for the morning, when all the family could help. Then he patted her on her rather hot nose and locked her up for the night and went back into the hotel, where the whole family sat down to their delicious dinner before going up to bed for a wonderful and, I’m sure you’ll agree, well-earned rest. There is startling consistency in Fleming protagonists. quote:BUT — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cphNpqKpKc4
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# ? Mar 18, 2020 14:25 |
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To be fair to the Potts family, they had had a busy and exciting day, and after a day such as that, one wants a lie in the tub, a big dinner, and a good night's sleep.
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# ? Mar 18, 2020 16:09 |
Chapter 10: Not Easily Frightenedquote:The moon shone down on the Hotel Splendide where the Pott family, Commander Caractacus Pott, Mimsie, and the twins, Jeremy and Jemima, lay fast asleep after their terrific adventures of the last twenty-four hours. In the hotel garage CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG was also dozing comfortably, as her engine and crankshaft and brake linings cooled off after her exciting dash across the Channel to France. This book is teaching kids a lot of things that children's books normally don't! quote:He had had his orders. He went first to Jemima’s bed, whirled up the four corners of the sheet on which she was lying, and with her bundled up inside it, tied a knot out of the four corners so as to make her look like a bundle of washing. And almost before she could awake, he handed her softly out of the window and into the arms of Man-Mountain Fink. Caractacus and Mimsie are going to get fingers in the mail. quote:Mimsie woke up and said sleepily to Commander Pott, “Did you hear that squeaking? It sounded sort of muffled. I suppose it wasn’t the children.” This car is magic by virtue of being the most competent character in Ian Fleming's entire body of work. quote:And all through the night, while Commander Pott and Mimsie were asleep and while the twins were being bumped about in the back of the gangsters’ car, CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG’s Radar Eye was following every twist and turn of Joe the Monster, hunched over the wheel of his black tourer. Teach your kids French, motherfucker! quote:As soon as they got out of the town of Calais, he ordered the knots on top of the sheet bundles which contained Jeremy and Jemima to be undone by Soapy Sam and Blood-Money Banks, between whom the twins were wedged on the back seat. For although he was a monster in the eyes of the law, neither he nor his gang of crooks were so monstrous as to want Jeremy and Jemima to suffocate. "Adventurous" might be a bit euphemistic here. quote:Joe the Monster leant back from the wheel and said over his shoulder, in a voice that was meant to be sugary, “Now then, duckies, everything’s quite all right. Your dear pa and ma have asked us to take you for a little night drive to see something of the French countryside by moonlight.” He turned to Man-Mountain Fink, who sat beside him. “Ain’t that right, Man-Mountain?” I am again very appreciative of Fleming for writing a children's book that doesn't talk down to its target audience, even if it might be educating them a little too much on the finer points of explosives. quote:But truth to tell, both Jeremy and Jemima were too sleepy from the previous day’s adventures to care very much what was happening to them, so they snuggled up together and Jemima was soon fast asleep. But before Jeremy dozed off, he heard snatches of conversation between Joe the Monster and Man-Mountain Fink drifting back from the front seat. They must be related to James Bond, what with their attempt at sleeping even when surrounded by enemies! quote:And the snatches of conversation were something like this: Being in mortal peril is very tiring! quote:It had been three o’clock in the morning when the children had been kidnapped from the Hotel Splendide, and it was eight o’clock when the gangsters’ car drew up outside a deserted warehouse owned by Joe the Monster in the suburbs of Paris, over 150 miles away from Calais. Even the car is like "gently caress this poo poo." quote:Commander Pott and Mimsie were instantly awake, and with, I am sorry to say, a very powerful swear word (it was “Dash my wig and whiskers,” if you want to know), Commander Pott leapt out of his bed, pulled on some clothes, and dashed downstairs and round to the garage to find what the electrical fault was and stop it before they had the whole population of Calais, led by the police and the fire-brigade, charging round to find out who was responsible for the horrendous din. You can imagine his astonishment when directly he tore open the garage doors and stood face to face with CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG, there was one last “GOO-GA” and then dead silence. If this car had a way to speak, it would be cursing up a storm at them. quote:Commander Pott was even more puzzled. “There must be something terribly wrong with your electrical system,” he said sympathetically. “Let’s see what the matter is,” and he went to open the bonnet. But then, for the first time, he caught sight of the thin little radar antenna sticking up in front of the wind-shield, and he stopped in his tracks. “What in heaven’s name . . .” he had just begun, when Mimsie came dashing across from the hotel. We've gone from Moonraker to Goldfinger. quote:As Mimsie ran off, glad to have something to take her mind away from her fears, Commander Pott jumped into the driving-seat and pressed the self-starter, and at once the great car, with her usual “CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG,” leapt into life, and Commander Pott steered her out and across the street just as Mimsie came running out of the hotel.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 13:41 |
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Ok Google, directions to missing children
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 14:05 |
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chitoryu12 posted:How is this a children's book? We need to introduce you to some other classic Brit kids' books just to watch your brain explode. How about the Borribles? Series starts with gangs of immortal street-kid squatters sending representives to assassinate the Wombles and ends with a battle to death with armed police.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 16:02 |
https://twitter.com/realpunknews/status/1240669426191667205?s=21
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 17:07 |
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I know of him because he got super salty at MST3K both times they did a movie of his.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 18:03 |
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I know of him because he does a great job in one of my favorite TV series, Edge of Darkness.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 19:41 |
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If that's a serious interview that guy is a piece of poo poo. If that's a joke interview that website is a piece of poo poo.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 20:05 |
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Dr. Sneer Gory posted:I know of him because he does a great job in one of my favorite TV series, Edge of Darkness. It was the time of the preacher In the year of 01 And when you think it's all over It has only begun
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 21:14 |
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Midjack posted:If that's a serious interview that guy is a piece of poo poo. If that's a joke interview that website is a piece of poo poo. The Hard Times is a 3Edgy4U alt-culture version of the Onion.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 21:15 |
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sebmojo posted:It was the time of the preacher To live is to die.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 23:45 |
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Yond Cassius posted:The Hard Times is a 3Edgy4U alt-culture version of the Onion. Website’s definitely a piece of poo poo.
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# ? Mar 19, 2020 23:53 |
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Runcible Cat posted:We need to introduce you to some other classic Brit kids' books just to watch your brain explode. How about the Borribles? Series starts with gangs of immortal street-kid squatters sending representives to assassinate the Wombles and ends with a battle to death with armed police. I remember Boris the Tomato, where a tomato takes over his tomato plant in a fascist coup, and then systematically destroys the other plants in the greenhouse and anyone who defies him. It ends with him on a compost heap, screaming defiance at the sky as crows circle overhead
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# ? Mar 20, 2020 13:35 |
Chapter 11: The Bon-Bon Jobquote:Now Commander Pott really trod hard down on the accelerator and the speedometer climbed up and hung around a hundred miles an hour, as the great green car, its supercharger screaming like a banshee, positively ate up the kilometres, which, instead of miles, is how they measure distances on the Continent. As each fork or turning in the road came up, he followed the direction indicated by the radar scanner, and with CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG going lickety-split, lickety-split, lickety-split, they hurtled on towards the gangster hide-out, where Jeremy and Jemima had been locked into a bare, cell-like room at the back of the deserted warehouse. "Now listen here, Joe the Monster, I want a king-size carton of candy cigarettes, scrambled eggs, and a glass of milk on the double! Send your Asian manservant!" quote:Jeremy was just telling Jemima about the mysterious words of Joe the Monster, “doing the Bon-Bon job” and “Soapy using the jelly,” when the door was unlocked and Joe the Monster himself came in, beaming (as far as, with his ugly mug, he could beam), while behind him Soapy Sam followed with a tray that he put down on the floor beside the children (there was no furniture in the room — not a stick of it). Jeremy Bond. quote:“Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s real good! Hear that, Soapy? The young ’un says the cops will be after me.” He turned back to Jeremy and leered hideously down at him. “Why, my little man, the cops have been after me since I was smaller than you. Think of that now, all these years they’ve been hunting after me and my pals and they ain’t caught up yet. Often been sniffing at me heels, mark you, even offered ten thousand pounds for what they are pleased to call ‘information leading to my apprehension,’ which, in English, means how to catch me. And now you expect me to quake in my shoes because of a little English family called Pott! Haw, haw, haw!” And he positively shook with demonic laughter. What the hell did this guy do to become a wanted felon when he was 6? quote:Jeremy said angrily, “We’re not so little as all that. My father was a commander in the Navy and he is a famous inventor and explorer, and anyway, besides us there’s CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG.” Joe is an entrepreneur! quote:Jeremy said bluntly, “I don’t know how it works and I wouldn’t tell you if I did know.” I am delighted to say that the John Gardner books that we'll see in our next thread actually have villains with dumber plans than this. Also notice how even this book manages to get in the new franc vs. old franc conversion trivia! This would be highly educational even for an adult! quote:“Not bad,” said Jeremy grudgingly, as if, in his family, they were given a three-pound box of chocolates every day. A £3 box of chocolates in 1961 would be around $80 today. That would be some incredibly fine chocolate or a box big enough to crush Jeremy. quote:“OK then,” said Joe the Monster breezily. “Come on, Soapy, and let’s get our chow. Looking at the fine breakfast you’ve dished up for these kids is making me hungry.” He turned at the door. “Ta-ta, kiddies, and be good until Uncle Joe comes and fetches you.” He walked out, followed by Soapy Sam, who locked the door behind them. This is definitely a Fleming book. quote:They guessed that they were going to be used by Joe the Monster and his gang to rob Monsieur Bon-Bon. They were to be the “innocent pair of monkeys” who would be “shoved in just before closing,” while, presumably, the gang waited round the corner with perhaps one of them apparently examining the sweets in the shop window but really watching the twins through it. Jeremy had been given a five-thousand-franc note to buy a four-thousand-franc box of chocolates, and Monsieur Bon-Bon would have to go to the till to change it. (“Keys of the safe in the till.”) As soon as Monsieur Bon-Bon opened the till, the gangsters would dash in and knock him on the head and seize the keys, which were presumably the keys of the safe where he kept his money. These kids have a promising career in intelligence! quote:“You’ve got it,” whispered Jeremy. “By Jove, you’ve got it! That’s just what they’re going to do. They’ll get the keys out of Monsieur Bon-Bon’s till, and those keys probably open Monsieur Bon-Bon’s safe. Now, for heaven’s sake, what are we going to do about it?” At the rate this book is going, we're going to get detailed safe-cracking knowledge. quote:At this moment they heard a key in the lock, and Soapy Sam came in to take away the tray and lead them off to wash their hands in a smelly old bathroom at the back of the huge, deserted warehouse. Then they were back in their cell again, and the door was locked on them and they squatted together in the farthest corner away from the door and went on with their urgent whispering. Flashing back to Bond using his own urine as invisible ink. quote:“We’ve got the paper,” said Jeremy triumphantly, and he produced the big five-thousand-franc note and spread it out between them. “Now if we could just write in big letters ‘GANGSTERS’ across the note, I am sure it’s a word Monsieur Bon-Bon will understand. But what can we possibly use for ink?” He looked accusingly at Jemima. “It’s a shame you’re not a bit older and then you’d have a lipstick. In adventure stories, girls are always using lipsticks to write notes with.” I see Jeremy is also an avid reader of 1950s pulp! quote:“It’s not my fault,” whispered Jemima fiercely. “Anyway, I hate the stuff. I once tried Mummy’s and I ended up looking as if I’d smeared my face with raspberry jam. Mummy was very angry with me, at least she pretended to be, but I think she was really only trying to stop laughing.” That's...actually pretty clever. These kids should join the Service in 10 years! quote:Jeremy had only just stowed the note and his knife away in his pocket when the door opened and Joe the Monster came in, followed by Man-Mountain Fink. I really wish Fleming had been able to write more stories. For all his fumbles with stuff like the ending of Goldfinger and the entirety of The Man with the Golden Gun, he had a knack for intelligent writing. It was the characters who were canonically dumbasses. quote:After they had been made to pull out the linings of their pockets to show that nothing was hidden, Joe the Monster said, “All right, kiddies, let’s go. Remember what you’ve got to do — you just walk into the shop and ask for a box of chocolates for four thousand francs, right?” And they trooped out, with Man-Mountain Fink taking up the rear to prevent any attempt to escape. Unfortunately, Roald Dahl would not publish Charlie and the Chocolate Factory until 7 months before Fleming's death so we can't get any crossovers. quote:The door of the car was thrown open and they were hustled out onto the sidewalk. “Run! Run!” said Joe the Monster furiously. “We’ve got late and he’ll be shutting up his shop. Now, don’t forget: do exactly what I told you and you’ll come to no trouble. If not”— and he lifted a big hairy fist as Jeremy and Jemima sped off round the corner.
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# ? Mar 20, 2020 14:06 |
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Just rewinding for a moment:quote:Now Joe the Monster was in fact head of an international gang of robbers and ruffians and he was known in France as Joe le Monstre (I hope this isn’t the first French word you’ve learnt!) I should bleedin' well hope not, considering that in the chapter before this one, but a few short pages previously, we were told... quote:They drew up in front of a nice-looking hotel called the Splendide (which, as you’ve guessed, is French for “splendid”) What was that we were just saying about Fleming not underestimating his audience?
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# ? Mar 20, 2020 18:55 |
Chapter 12: A Lot of Confabulationquote:A great wave of delicious chocolate smell hit them as they edged in past the closing door, and there was a charming little old man, in an old-fashioned suit with an apron round his fat tummy and a long white beard and whiskers, almost like Father Christmas. With the drastic shift in tone, the movie replaces Monsieur Bon-Bon with an unnamed Toymaker on Vulgaria played by famed comedian Benny Hill. The Benny Hill Show was 13 years old at the time of the film's release and Hill was practically at the peak of his fame, but the film does relatively little to play to his strengths and it feels more like a cameo. quote:Jeremy, panting from the run, managed to stammer out, “A box of chocolates, please, for four thousand francs.” "That's an implausibly large box for two small children! Where are your parents?" quote:He picked out one. “You like zees one? She is mixed-up chocolates.” That is prime avatar material. quote:Monsieur Bon-Bon, who was used to the indecision of children and the time they took to make up their minds, looked rather surprised, but he walked behind the counter to wrap up the box and Jeremy followed him and held out, with, I admit, a rather trembling hand, the five-thousand-franc note, while Jemima stood beside him biting her knuckles and almost jumping up and down with excitement. Monsieur Bon-Bon is a hardened French Resistance operative. He has killed dozens of Nazis with his bare hands. quote:Then Monsieur Bon-Bon darted back behind the counter and picked up the telephone, excitedly shouting a lot of French down it, amongst which Jeremy and Jemima heard the word “police” used several times. Then Monsieur Bon-Bon put the receiver back on the hook and came round and stood looking down at the children for a minute or two. Then he said, “And now, mes enfants, tell me what zees is all about, yes?” Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang: The Car That Was Pissed quote:Now, what had happened was this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuU4pFcEgWo The film is correspondingly a much larger and more elaborate setpiece. With the children caught by Baron Bomburst, Caractacus Pott and Truly Scrumptious create a plot to free all of the kidnapped children on the island of Vulgaria that involves a rather bizarre sequence in which they pretend to be life-size dolls. quote:Commander Pott jumped from the driving seat of the now motionless green car and joined in the chase which now ensued, finally bringing Joe the Monster to the ground with a flying tackle like you see at rugby football. "Dad, what's a Black Maria?" "I told you never to say her name around your mother!" quote:But at last everything had been explained in a mixture of English and French, and many compliments were piled on the shy heads of Jeremy and Jemima for the gallant part they had played in bringing about the capture of the gangsters. We even get the "Bond/Car spends time after the mission in the hospital/garage to recover and be visited by their friends" scene at the time! quote:But she seemed quite happy being attended to by a host of admiring French mechanics, and Commander Pott returned cheerfully to Monsieur Bon-Bon’s house over his shop, where he had insisted that the whole Pott family should first of all have an enormous lunch and be shown some of the sights of Paris, and then spend the night before going off the next day. Everyone talks about James Bond's scrambled eggs, but nobody talks about Ian Fleming giving us a fudge recipe! If you plan on replicating this recipe, note that the size of a "small can of condensed milk" in Britain at the time was 6 oz. The corn syrup will also be the standard type, not high-fructose. Making fudge is an arduous task! quote:The next morning, after another of those wonderful French breakfasts, Commander Pott went round to the garage, and sure enough, CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG, although still wearing a slightly battered look, was in splendid order and came booming round to the Bon-Bon shop, where the whole Bon-Bon family insisted on being shown every detail of her. Then Monsieur Bon-Bon beckoned Jeremy and Jemima back into the shop and told them to hold out their arms, and piled box after box of wonderful sweets and chocolates into them until the twins could hardly stand upright. And since the piles of boxes rose higher than their faces, they could hardly see their way to the door and had to be helped as they staggered out to pack their scrumptious presents into the back of CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG. I got an image in my head of Monsieur Bon-Bon visiting Goldeneye. quote:And then CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG went motoring docilely off down the street with quite a different expression on her face from the furious snarl she had worn in that same street the day before. They got out on to the open road for Calais and for either the car ferry or the “Air Bridge” to England (they hadn’t yet made up their minds which way to go), and Commander Pott said, over his shoulder, to Jeremy and Jemima, “Well, I think that’s quite enough adventure for the time being. It’s high time we all went home to peace and quiet.” They've tasted blood! They're vicious! quote:And at that, believe it or not, there came a whirring of machinery from somewhere deep down inside CHITTY-CHITTY-BANG-BANG. The front and back mudguards swivelled out into wings, the radiator opened up, and the whizzing propeller of the cooling-fan slid out, and with a tremendous “WHOOSH” the great green car soared up into the sky. As Chitty Chitty Bang Bang flies its occupants into what is undoubtedly North Korea, it is time for this thread to finally come to an end. Ian Fleming was many things. A gifted writer, a journalist, and a naval intelligence agent. He had a brilliant mind, complex and conflicted, with an ego that seemed to conceal self-doubt and a desire to prove himself as his own man in spite of his privileged background. He could be kind, and he could be cruel. He expressed views that are both terribly bigoted today and highly progressive for the time. He died miserable, yet at the height of his fame and wealth. James Bond, likewise, is many things. Many more things than popular culture would seem willing to express. A racist and misogynist, yet one who makes close friends and lovers in other races and never holds women to false purity standards that he himself would never fulfill. A broken man who can see no future for himself except as a killer, who also desperately wants a woman he can care for and constantly flirts with the idea of retirement. He's completely dim-witted when it comes to judgement calls while also having solid investigative skills and shocking capacity for violence. He spends massive amounts of money on luxuries while on a mission, then is content to live at home in a middle-class lifestyle with a few simple pleasures. The world of James Bond, as Ian Fleming created, was one of contrasts. It was a many-faceted creation reflective of the times, over a decade of political upheaval at the height of the Cold War, with alliances rising and falling in the background. Far from the simplistic action movie fare and wisecracking tuxedo-clad manly man that the brand has become known for, it's more of a rough diamond: cloudy, complex, ugly in some ways but capable of beauty when formed right. I cannot thank you all enough for joining me on this journey. Having dedicated almost 2 years of my life just to Fleming's work, it's consumed a hefty portion of my spare time and thoughts. I can say without a doubt that I am not the same man that I was when I began. I can offer one quantum of solace for those who are disappointed in seeing this thread come to an end: there will be another. We're moving elsewhere and going through every Bond book that I can get an electronic copy of, from Kingsley Amis's odd adventure to John Gardner's bizarre caricatures of plots, and even a few movie novelizations. We will see just what Ian Fleming himself brought to the table when his creation is put in the hands of those who try and ape him. James Bond will return in Colonel Sun.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 13:51 |
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chitoryu12 posted:James Bond will return in Colonel Sun. Thanks to this thread I now drink regularly. Thank you so much, chitoryu12. PS Please put a link to the new thread here so I don't miss it.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 14:54 |
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chitoryu12 posted:Monsieur Bon-Bon is a hardened French Resistance operative. He has killed dozens of Nazis with chitoryu12 posted:I cannot thank you all enough for joining me on this journey. Having dedicated almost 2 years of my life just to Fleming's work, it's consumed a hefty portion of my spare time and thoughts. I can say without a doubt that I am not the same man that I was when I began. Thank you for sharing it with us. This has been one of the all-time-great threads.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 14:56 |
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Definitely a solid addition to the Goodmine when we come round to that.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 15:00 |
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chitoryu12, it's been a delight.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 15:08 |
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3918016 New thread is live! We'll be getting started tomorrow. This thread should be open through Friday for you all to say your goodbyes and make any final comments before it gets Goldmined!
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 16:24 |
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chitoryu12 posted:https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3918016 Goodmine, not goldmine, surely? Don't get me wrong, it's a great thread, but the Comedy Goldmine is now exclusively for, well, comedy threads, whereas the Goodmine is now where we put stuff that's interesting, educational, and otherwise worth having around.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 16:28 |
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This was magnificent, and thank you especially for the commentaries on locations and foods.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 16:56 |
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chitoryu12 posted:https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3918016 Nice new AV ! A thread for the history books, bravo again.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 17:56 |
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Farewell Mr Bond, but not goodbye!
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 19:59 |
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Goodbye, Mr Bond.
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# ? Mar 23, 2020 23:14 |
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In Conclusion, James Bond is a land of contrasts Thank you for a great thread, I'm looking forwards to the next one!
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# ? Mar 24, 2020 11:11 |
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# ? May 8, 2024 06:58 |
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This thread was fantastic. It feels like yesterday when it began. Thank you for all the hard work!
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# ? Mar 24, 2020 15:53 |