- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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i'm bringing my 26.2 oval bumper sticker up to the counter, trying not to look nervous. buying some power-gel and a running magazine with me to make it look natural. cashier is about to scan the sticker, then she stops and gives me a challenging look with narrowed eyes.
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Aug 20, 2018 18:20
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 12, 2024 15:23
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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point of sale sets off an alert tone when the second “world’s greatest grandpa” novelty mug gets scanned.
manager comes over and tells me that these are limit 1 unless i can prove that they are both for the same grandpa
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Aug 20, 2018 18:20
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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the new cute girl is working the coffee counter and no one else is up front so i take my shot and order a large black coffee. my heart sinks as berta walks out from the backroom and glowers at me, a sneer forming on her face, "he always gets cream and sugar, always..." embarrassed i lower my gaze to the ground.
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Aug 20, 2018 18:31
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- alnilam
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as i finish affixing the "this car climbed mount washington" sticker to my car, i turn around and just my luck a friggin cop is right there. "Really," he says, "a 1981 Yugo, at 6,000 feet? I highly doubt it"
sweating, i begin to explain that there are many hills named Mt Washington several of which are only about 1,000 ft
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Aug 20, 2018 18:36
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- wearing a lampshade
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Buying a bag of Lays, signimg a waiver indicating that I'm declining to bet whether or not I cant eat just one. My training isn't complete.
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Aug 20, 2018 19:57
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- Macnult
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What started out as a fun-and-flirty bumper sticker for this road trip has left me wondering how many New York drivers are just sexually frustrated
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Aug 20, 2018 20:04
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- artoke
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I load up all of my decoy purchases on the belt, a bag of chips, some beef jerky, two bags of skittles (one original, one orchard so I can take the green apple out of the original and replace it with the lime form the orchard), and finally a bottle of coke with the name "Jeremy" on it. I try to make conversation with the cashier but I am sweating bullets. She goes to ring up the coke and immediately asks for ID. What could I do? I could try to pretend I forgot it at home, but that never works. I sheepishly present my ID, and the cashier frowns at me. I know I am not a Jeremy, and I'll never be a Jeremy. The store manager politely asks me to leave.
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Aug 20, 2018 20:06
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- Macnult
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a child lowers their head in shame as they spend their entire allowance on a pack of cards with “collect them all!” stamped on the front
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Aug 20, 2018 20:08
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- artoke
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A crazed man known only as the BOGO Bandit is terrorizing local grocery stores and mini-marts. Witnesses say he searches these stores for buy one get one free items and only gets one. Terry, a local man, had this to day:
Terry: The value he is leaving on the table is just unreal. I mean, I live for buy one get one sales and this man, no, this monster, is just throwing everything I stand for right back in my face. What will the poor store owners do? They can't just restock all of those free items, they will probably have to throw them away. Or worse, donate them. It's un-American, I tell ya!
More updates on the BOGO Bandit case as it unravels, stay tuned to channel 69 action news, bringing you the latest events every hour, on the hour (and also at 4:20 because, c'mon)
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Aug 20, 2018 20:14
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- take the moon
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by sebmojo
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in shame you use the auto-scanner at the library, knowing you don't have the critical analysis skills to get house of leaves by human librarians. alarms blare. red light flashes in pulses.
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Aug 20, 2018 20:46
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- artoke
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Aug 20, 2018 21:03
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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i calmly place my bag of smart food on the counter and watch as the cashier rings me up.
"that will be 2 dollars and ninety nine cents sir"
i'm sweating now, looking at the change in my hand, the cashier snickers and slowly pulls the bag away from me
"you almost got me this time sir, but i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to leave now"
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Aug 20, 2018 21:51
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- FluffieDuckie
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I load up all of my decoy purchases on the belt, a bag of chips, some beef jerky, two bags of skittles (one original, one orchard so I can take the green apple out of the original and replace it with the lime form the orchard), and finally a bottle of coke with the name "Jeremy" on it. I try to make conversation with the cashier but I am sweating bullets. She goes to ring up the coke and immediately asks for ID. What could I do? I could try to pretend I forgot it at home, but that never works. I sheepishly present my ID, and the cashier frowns at me. I know I am not a Jeremy, and I'll never be a Jeremy. The store manager politely asks me to leave.
Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!
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Aug 20, 2018 21:53
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- wearing a lampshade
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i calmly place my bag of smart food on the counter and watch as the cashier rings me up.
"that will be 2 dollars and ninety nine cents sir"
i'm sweating now, looking at the change in my hand, the cashier snickers and slowly pulls the bag away from me
"you almost got me this time sir, but i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to leave now"
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Aug 20, 2018 22:05
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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the sandwich artist at subway snorts and rolls his eyes when i ask if i could get mustard added to my sandwich. "sure, it's your money", and he leaves the wrapping unsigned
just behind me a woman wearing pearls and a fur coat minces in with an entourage and asks sergio if she could commission a cold cuts piece for her summer home.
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Aug 20, 2018 23:22
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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"thanks for shopping at blue line police supply. ok so we've got body armor, a glock 19, pistol grip mossberg 500 in 12 ga, rotary grenade launcher, and a novelty teddy bear wearing a police hat. that will be $2678. can i see your department id?"
"uh, you know, i must have left it at home"
cashier sets aside teddy bear
"in that case, it will be $2670 for just the guns and armor."
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Aug 20, 2018 23:53
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- artoke
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All I wanted was a kids meal from the local McD's, but they have gotten so tight on security. I figured I could find a car seat at a goodwill or something and go from there. Turns out you need proof of child to by carseats now, who knew? I did find a body pillow at the goodwill that had a younger looking girl printed on the case (why on earth would someone make that pillow?). So I propped it up in the back seat and buckled it in, unless the drive thru cashier really looks maybe I can get away with it, I thought.
So anyways, long story short I am not allowed back in the McD's.
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Aug 20, 2018 23:53
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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you know i've been told i look like tom brady. well, ok, the cashier at foot locker didn't question me or look surprised when i bought this jersey.
same thing.
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Aug 21, 2018 00:00
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- Macnult
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My father opens the gift revealing a "World's Greatest Dad" baseball cap from within the careless wrapping. His eyes widen and beads of sweat appear on his forehead. "Where did you get this?" he asks quietly, angrily. I say nothing. I can only say nothing. "Where did you get this!???" he yells, but he knows as well as I do the terrible things I had to do to get that hat, and how many dads had to die before he was the best.
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Aug 21, 2018 00:08
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- vanisher
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I bring up to the register two or three items I needed for my house: peanut butter, bbq sauce, wine. The cashier begins to ring them up, to make small talk I joke "Haha, this is my dinner!" Security guards escort me out.
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Aug 21, 2018 00:13
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- vanisher
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Yes I'd like to buy this 2000 piece Lego kit please
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Aug 21, 2018 00:16
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- take the moon
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by sebmojo
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lol
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Aug 21, 2018 03:29
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- City of Glompton
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just pretend i emptyquoted the whole thread
thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig
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Aug 21, 2018 03:33
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- FluffieDuckie
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Buying extra-virgin olive oil and the cashier doesn't even pause before scanning it 
Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!
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Aug 21, 2018 03:58
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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"hey kids, how was spending the afternoon at your uncle's house?"
"it was a lot of fun for most of the day, except he made us go with him to the grocery store so he could buy like 20 boxes of trix cereal. they weren't even on sale or anything, it was kinda weird."
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Aug 21, 2018 05:21
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- City of Glompton
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I've grown several basils from the grocery and also one avocado pit, so yes, I do think this is the insurance company for me, thankyouverymuch.
Oh yeah? Well if you demand "quantity" you're more than welcome to review my fridge, which several former roommates have called, and I'm quoting them here, "A total mold farm."
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Aug 21, 2018 05:49
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- artoke
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Trying to buy a bag of tobacco with my "for tobacco use only" bong. Cashier asks what kind, I immediately panic and sprint out of the store. Now how am I going to smoke this weed?
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Aug 21, 2018 16:08
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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went to buy a 70s velvet leisure suit at a thrift store. i was obviously too young, but the cashier let me buy it.
she must have hit the silent alarm, because before i got to my car 3 cops pounced on me and arrested me under the stolen velour statute.
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Aug 21, 2018 16:23
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- Drink-Mix Man
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You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.
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the stolen velour statute.
Lol
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Aug 21, 2018 20:03
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- artoke
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Almost finished with my month long observation period to prove that i really do hate mondays enough to buy that garfield mug. Man will I be the talk of the office.
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Aug 21, 2018 21:01
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- google THIS
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I got my daughter a onesie that says "Cute 24/7/365," not realizing how much pressure I was placing on her little shoulders. At least she gets a day off in 2020.
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Aug 22, 2018 00:54
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 12, 2024 15:23
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Aug 20, 2018 18:20
