not qualified to buy this but going to try anyway

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > not qualified to buy this but going to try anyway

«‹›4 »

google THIS

Cashier: Wow, a lot of snacks here. Having a party?

Me: Yep.

Cashier: Is it a hiking party?

Me: What? Oh shoot�

Cashier: (unceremoniously yoinks the bag of trail mix off the conveyor belt)

# ? Aug 22, 2018 01:36

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 13, 2024 09:49

alnilam

cashier: *pauses before scanning Monster Energy Drink and looks accusingly at me*

me: uhhh by the by can i pay with an alimony check if it's made out to my ex but endorsed over to me? she and i have very similar handwriting

cashier nods, satisfied, and scans the drink

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Aug 22, 2018 01:43

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

*Undergoes rigorous series of psychological tests to obtain "No Fear" t-shirt.*

# ? Aug 22, 2018 01:44

google THIS

*Undergoes rigorous series of STD tests so I can buy Mr. Clean products*

# ? Aug 22, 2018 01:53

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

cashier sees me eyeing the magnum condoms and casually pulls back his shirt to reveal a tape measure clipped to his belt, his hand hovering over it as the clint eastwood classic western music plays over the store's speakers

"just walk away very slowly sir..."

# ? Aug 22, 2018 01:59

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

Is that a Members Only jacket? Holy poo poo.

# ? Aug 22, 2018 20:54

Twenty Four

artoke posted:

I load up all of my decoy purchases on the belt, a bag of chips, some beef jerky, two bags of skittles (one original, one orchard so I can take the green apple out of the original and replace it with the lime form the orchard), and finally a bottle of coke with the name "Jeremy" on it. I try to make conversation with the cashier but I am sweating bullets. She goes to ring up the coke and immediately asks for ID. What could I do? I could try to pretend I forgot it at home, but that never works. I sheepishly present my ID, and the cashier frowns at me. I know I am not a Jeremy, and I'll never be a Jeremy. The store manager politely asks me to leave.

lol

# ? Aug 23, 2018 00:35

Twenty Four

A guy explaining to his girlfriend why he can't just go to the store and pick up some tampons for her.

# ? Aug 23, 2018 00:38

google THIS

Well, they let me buy the BMW, but I have to keep this special device in my car that notifies them if I use my turn signal, park inside the lines, or change lanes without cutting someone off. Too many violations and I have to return it.

# ? Aug 23, 2018 15:26

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

me: *nervously places the Cosmopolitan on the counter*

cashier: "You've lived here your whole life..."

me: "It's not for me, it's for my sister. She's a travel writer. Look... she knows the surprising trait 80% of men find sexy already, but I don't know if she knows the 7 best orgasm tricks in the world. As for me, I don't know any of the 7 orgasm tricks, I wouldn't even know where to begin on hot holiday sex, and I certainly don't know about my guy's biggest below-the-belt pleasure triggers."

cashier: *takes the magazine away* "This is for your own good. It's too dangerous for us simple folk to know more than two of the orgasm tricks."

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Aug 23, 2018 15:37

Robot Made of Meat

google THIS posted:

Well, they let me buy the BMW, but I have to keep this special device in my car that notifies them if I use my turn signal, park inside the lines, or change lanes without cutting someone off. Too many violations and I have to return it.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Aug 23, 2018 16:27

Twenty Four

Jolo posted:

me: *nervously places the Cosmopolitan on the counter*

cashier: "You've lived here your whole life..."

me: "It's not for me, it's for my sister. She's a travel writer. Look... she knows the surprising trait 80% of men find sexy already, but I don't know if she knows the 7 best orgasm tricks in the world. As for me, I don't know any of the 7 orgasm tricks, I wouldn't even know where to begin on hot holiday sex, and I certainly don't know about my guy's biggest below-the-belt pleasure triggers."

cashier: *takes the magazine away* "This is for your own good. It's too dangerous for us simple folk to know more than two of the orgasm tricks."

lol

# ? Aug 23, 2018 16:38

Macnult

google THIS posted:

Well, they let me buy the BMW, but I have to keep this special device in my car that notifies them if I use my turn signal, park inside the lines, or change lanes without cutting someone off. Too many violations and I have to return it.

# ? Aug 23, 2018 17:46

Macnult

Jolo posted:

me: *nervously places the Cosmopolitan on the counter*

cashier: "You've lived here your whole life..."

me: "It's not for me, it's for my sister. She's a travel writer. Look... she knows the surprising trait 80% of men find sexy already, but I don't know if she knows the 7 best orgasm tricks in the world. As for me, I don't know any of the 7 orgasm tricks, I wouldn't even know where to begin on hot holiday sex, and I certainly don't know about my guy's biggest below-the-belt pleasure triggers."

cashier: *takes the magazine away* "This is for your own good. It's too dangerous for us simple folk to know more than two of the orgasm tricks."

# ? Aug 23, 2018 17:48

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

cashier tactfully but firmly tells me that my needs would be suited better with "ranch" doritos rather than "cool ranch"

# ? Aug 23, 2018 19:14

Bacon Taco: Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN

The cashier at the dispensary is giving me the stink eye as I try to buy a new bong.

"I'll be chill after I use it, I swear," I say hesitantly, sweating in a non-chill and nervous manner.

The burly security guard escorted me out.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 01:14

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 02:13

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Drink-Mix Man posted:

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 02:49

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Drink-Mix Man posted:

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 02:50

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

Drink-Mix Man posted:

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 02:55

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

really though every post itt is gold, mods/iks please goldmine when its run its course

# ? Aug 24, 2018 03:07

alnilam

walking to the register with a No Fear shirt trying to put on my brave face

# ? Aug 24, 2018 12:16

take the moon: by sebmojo

alnilam posted:

walking to the register with a No Fear shirt trying to put on my brave face

"Our records show that you're 69,420 cops away from killing 410,757,864,530 cops."

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 24, 2018 16:39

artoke

Making small talk at the apple store while buying a new laptop (mactop?). Gushing about how apple's interface is so sleek and sophisticated, and how it is so intuitive and easy to use. Perfectly memorized talking points for the geniuses there. Just before its time to pay they ask for my phone number, I assume for warranty stuff. As soon as I give it to them my phone starts ringing, and without a second thought I answer it. Everyone in the store immediately starts staring at me, and I realize I pulled out my android phone. What a rookie mistake. The person that is cashing me out tells me they don't think this laptop is right for me. Nobody will make eye contact as I hang my head and slowly walk towards the door.

# ? Aug 24, 2018 17:16

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

spectres of autism posted:

"Our records show that you're 69,420 cops away from killing 410,757,864,530 cops."

Lol

# ? Aug 24, 2018 19:18

alnilam

i flash my ID as requested, casually covering half of my last name with my thumb

"Peter... *squinting* can i see that for a sec?"

i hand it over and immediately i know it's over

"Sorry Mr Pippen, state law only allows us to sell you one quart of peppers at a time"

# ? Aug 24, 2018 21:11

Twenty Four

Drink-Mix Man posted:

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

lol

# ? Aug 25, 2018 12:34

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

buying a set of craftsman brand tools because sears doesn't sell "novice who watches youtube home repair tutorials" brand tools

# ? Aug 26, 2018 17:27

FluffieDuckie

canyoneer posted:

buying a set of craftsman brand tools because sears doesn't sell "novice who watches youtube home repair tutorials" brand tools

Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

# ? Aug 26, 2018 18:16

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

The cashier looks perplexed as I explain to her how it is exactly that I intend to "help Lucky escape from the maze" as I point to the back of the box of Lucky Charms. I KNOW my plan will work! It has to; the last time ended in so much despair...

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Aug 26, 2018 20:04

wearing a lampshade

Tried to buy some sneakers but the cashier saw me coming all the way down the aisle.

# ? Aug 26, 2018 21:23

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

chimpanzee at the hardware store
clerk: sorry lil buddy, that's just a common misconception
*removes the monkey wrench from the till*

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Aug 26, 2018 21:46

Robot Made of Meat

albany academy posted:

Tried to buy some sneakers but the cashier saw me coming all the way down the aisle.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Aug 27, 2018 00:06

kalel

City of Glompton posted:

just pretend i emptyquoted the whole thread

# ? Aug 27, 2018 17:20

kalel

me in 2012: only :10bux:

for an account huh?

# ? Aug 27, 2018 17:25

wearing a lampshade

SciFiDownBeat posted:

me in 2012: only for an account huh?

Sending money to lowtax for an account on somethingawful despite having no previous experience of being hired to run small internet startups out of business by destroying their office and equipment. hope he gives me a chance

# ? Aug 27, 2018 17:44

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

giving up on buying a big dog T-shirt with a sarcastic phrase because they don't sell them in a men's small

# ? Aug 27, 2018 19:37

Dungeon Ecology

id like to buy two blockchains please, and can you take the tags off i want to wear them out

# ? Aug 27, 2018 22:55

HOT4DREMELS: YES!!!!!!!

confused as I'm getting escorted out of Hot Topic for trying to start heated political conversations with other shoppers

# ? Aug 28, 2018 10:13

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 13, 2024 09:49

Twenty Four

Kicked out of the Build A Bear workshop for my poor craftsmanship.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 10:52

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > not qualified to buy this but going to try anyway

«‹›4 »