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I am watching the entire Italian-made* Hercules** Cinematic*** Universe or as much of it as I can finish. Film 6 - Hercules and the Haunted World This is probably the second best one these but it is damning with some faint praise. Original title is "Hercules Versus the Vampire" which is a lie because there are 0 vampires but there is a Christopher Lee. Due to lacking a scene where Hercules is drugged and sexually assaulted this is lower on the patent pending "hercosity" scale, but it does have some things happen to a sidekick. The plot concerns Hercules' wife Deinara who has been murdered/possessed by evil depending on how charitable you want to be to clumsy cinematic story telling reliant on directly lifting shots from Dracula. Hercules and this films buddy Theseus then go to the underworld to retrieve a magic stone to save her. After all that it turns out the regent is evil and wants to transfuse Dienara's blood into his own to ???? and Hercules must stop him with shoddy repeated stunt work. Key takeaways, even in early 1960 Christopher Lee could make that goddamn smirk that carries entire characters. German Expressionism is alive and well somehow only 15 years after the war, and puts the entire film on its back aesthetically. Hercules is at his perhaps stupidest in any one of these films here, requiring multiple people to tell him exactly what to do so he never once comes up with his own plan or thoughts. This film is peak misogyny for this series so far, it doesn't hate women it just treats them like cattle. Gonna repeat how nice these german expressionist sets look. I also swear on Zeus's grave Rowan Atkinsons Italian Uncle is in this movie good lord. HERC-O-METER**** 1) Hercules is shirtless - First scene with Herc 2) Hercules has annoying sidekick - Theseus is a cuck-elemental with a wanton disrespect for the women he fucks. Then it introduces Italian Mr. Bean. 3) Poor Reference Name - This is my girlfriend, Jocasta. I am Plutos daughter, Persephone 4) Hercules Gets Sleepy - HELL YEAH BABY SO SLEEPY I CAN'T DRIVE A BOAT 5) Hercules is drugged - Happens to Theseus instead 6) Hercules is sexually assaulted - Not really, which is a surprise. 7) There is a Villainous Woman who traps men - Check twice *Many films are co-productions with other countries **Some are rebadged other film franchises like Ursus ***I have been reduced to noting with glee when a film does a cinematic thing like "has a snap zoom" or "pans the camera" ****For those playing along at home, you may note super strength or being the son of Zeus isn't on here. Turns out, these things aren't relevant to be a Hercules movie Barudak fucked around with this message at 03:14 on Nov 23, 2022 |
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Nov 23, 2022 03:12
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 18:53 |
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DeimosRising posted:that one is directed by mario bava, so it's no surprise it looks good. one of the later ones was ghost directed by ruggero deodato and, again no surprise, it's weird and hosed up Its by far the best shot of these so far, like unambiguously in a class of its own. The one by Ruggero Deodato on the other hand definitely has first time director (and hilarious budget issues) energy all over it and is way less impressive shot wise. Im saving up for the Cannon films and polishing the rest of these off, so I suspect Ive already seen the "peak" of these films. If the ending were slightly stronger and a few things were cleaned up Hercules and The Haunted World would be a legitimate recommendable film outside of the nearly unfixable attitudes to women.
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Nov 23, 2022 07:50
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Ongoing Italian Hercules Film Watchthrough Film 7 - The Fury of Hercules This is a return to forgetable for the Hercules genre. This times hercules actor, Brad Harris, has a good look about him, a decent body language and mobility a definite difference from Reg Parks more slab-like Herc. Film has fairly dull but large sets, and is shot fine. Costumes and prop work are perfunctory raids of the ben hur coat closet. Nothing really recommendable here but not as dreadful and dull as bottom tier films. A solid middle film. Despite the title Hercules doesn't really Fury in this film, for the most part hes pretty chill and kind of relaxed for a guy leading a slave rebellion. An easily misled queen runs a slave program to build walls and Hercules puts a stop to her advisor and his thugs mostly. The film really wants you to feel not outright hate for the Queen but again, she runs a slave empire. Hercules helps the cast of secondary characters get killed when hes not around, and their stories aren't fleshed out or interesting enough for you to care what happens to them. Notable things about this film. The return of Italian Bigfoot once again blind sides me. Im never ready for him and my god its always a treat. Weve also got the worst on screen chemistry between the two romantic leads and Im including the film where Hercules (ursus) smooches a woman who begs to be his slave. It was so out of place I genuinely thought I missed some scenes and double checked with the italian version. Stunt work starts strong for this sort of film and them by the end same ol barely as strong as a normal man hercules shows up. HERC-O-METER 1) Hercules is shirtless - First scene with Herc, but singlet remains intact so no fill barechested action 2) Hercules has annoying sidekick - Just barely, with Mosquito who is in two scenes 3) Poor Reference Name - This is my loyal advisor, Polonius 4) Hercules Gets Sleepy - A plot point hinges on him being tired and then oversleeping, but he doesnt audibly say it 5) Hercules is drugged - Literally drugging him to make him sleepy 6) Hercules is sexually assaulted - The Evil-ish Queen just goes for an unasked for smooch, but luckily thats as far this goes 7) There is a Villainous Woman who traps men - Check-ish 8) Hercules' Nipple Wound - First wound in the movie 9) Pointless Oath to the Gods with No Bearing on Narrative - Asks for... more strength from Zeus then does exactly what he was doing before with no variation 10) Hercules doesn't kill the final villain - Mosquito and some Final Verdict - Definitively a Hercules Film Barudak fucked around with this message at 15:25 on Nov 24, 2022 |
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Nov 24, 2022 15:22
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Ongoing Italian Hercules Film Watch Along Film 8 - Hercules Against the Moon Men Boy what a difference a decent transfer of a film can make. In the version most folks know from Mystery Science Theater 3000 this is a washed out, ugly film with cheap props. In reality, its a film that does some really clever stuff with lighting and has some really, really cheap props. I know some people will complain that technically this is a Machiste film, but all true Herc-heads will know that Machiste is Hercules. Sure Italian audiences didn't know that he was supposed to be when the first film came out and invented an alternate backstory because the name was too erudite, but still he was originally supposed to be. Thats right, Italy invented accidentally ripping off the public domain. Anyway, this times Hercules actor is the extremely unfortunate Alan Steel. Positives for Alan are that he speaks Italian so he doesn't look completely lost in every scene he's in like Reg Park and that he looks a lot like Steve Reeve. The downside is that uh, despite being Steve Reeve's body double and them making him look more like Steve in this film, he is not Steve Reeve much less Steeve Reeve as I keep wanting to type. His acting is best described as a commitment to safety and his facial acting makes Hercules come off as kind of psychopathic and a member of confirmed bachelor club which gives this film a weird, weird undertone. I have a lot to say about this film because this is almost the best Hercules film by far. For the first ~45 minutes of this 90 minute film its really, really good. We have a new take on Hercules as a hired gun, extremely competent and into their job villains, some sassy back room dialog, and a commitment to thematic lighting that looks good. And this might sound like the silliest smallest thing but the evil Queen character of this film has multiple hair and costume changes which is so staggeringly impressive for these films I have to comment about it. Tragically though the film continues after minute 51 and oof. The second half of this film is just an agony march to death mountain which is quite literally also what happens in this film. Starting at 51 minutes we get the villainess becoming too stupid to take seriously, some embarassingly bad fight scenes, a death machine filmed so wrongly that even I know everything they flubbed up, and the sandstorm. Starting at 74 minutes into the film and continuing until 86 minutes these might be the worst 12 minutes of cinema excess put to film in the 1960s. So, so much money wasted and interspersed with stock footage and the death of the good villain to absolute boredom. The remaining 4 minutes to close out the film are so rushed the excellent finale to the use of colored lighting is drowned in the fact the end is a hard cut so fast I thought characters died who seconds later I would be told lived. Notable things about this film: [I T A L I A N B I G F O O T] returns. Hercules is so uninterested in woman he arguably gets sexually harassed/assaulted by both the villain and the heroine which might be a first for a movie. They speed up a fight scene in here and it still looks slow and bad. Hecules is defeated by a goddamn mother loving net. They kill a horse and possibly a stuntman in a film where later they're so concerned about actor safety Hercules kind of dances [I T A L I A N B I G F O O T] to death. HERC-O-METER 1) Hercules is shirtless - You better believe it. Herc in this film has a skin condition he's so shirtless. Does get some neat costumes later, really the costumes are to be applauded here 2) Hercules has annoying sidekick - Surprisingly not really. Dairix is perfectly fine and nobody else is in the film long enough for you to care 3) Poor Reference Name - Not really, the worst we get is Timur 4) Hercules Gets Sleepy - There is a shot of Hercules lying down to sleep, then he stares directly at the camera, adjust his pillows for even more comfort, smugly smiles, then goes to sleep which is all part of his plan. His plan involves sleeping on the job. 5) Hercules is drugged - He fakes being drugged because the evil queen has drugging powers. Don't know if this counts 6) Hercules is sexually assaulted - Evil queen wants to brainwash him for the kinkiest things you can imagine cause this lady is so wild safewords aren't safe with her. He is also repeatedly smooched, had love professed to, and eventually a marriage proposal not offered accepted by the other female lead much to his seeming dissapointment that she doesn't get the hit 7) There is a Villainous Woman who traps men - OH YEAH 8) Hercules' Nipple Wound - It teases you multiple times and never delivers, with one fakeout being so vile that I was mad 9) Pointless Oath to the Gods with No Bearing on Narrative - Nope! Due to being a machiste film no real gods involved in this thing 10) Hercules doesn't kill the final villain - He uh, pushes the final villain and makes a jiffy pop machine explode? This causes the other final villain to die? The other other villain gets killed by an army of pro-crusties from Hercules and the Haunted World Final Verdict - Like the film itself it almost escapes the curse of being a Hercules film with some clever twists and subversions but there is just enough Herc in it to sink it
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Nov 30, 2022 08:43
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Ongoing Italian Hercules Film Watchthrough Film 8 - Hercules (1983) So after struggling to find some good quality versions of some of the other 1960s Hercules films I thought, hey, why not watch the 1983 film with Lou Ferrigno? This was a tremendous mistake. This film has so exhausted me I need to take a break from these films. The film struggles to exist. Stylistically, this is somebody trying to make Superman (1978) but only having ever read Thor comics and having just come off a marathon binge of Conan the Barbarian. It spends the first 15 minutes of the 95 minute film quite literally constructing the universe. The score actually misses its cue at one point. There is so much slow motion in this film showing absolutely nothing it's possible the movie could shave 5+ minutes off by just removing it. The plot is a series of deeply nested fetch quests that overwhelm the senses until you forget that the main character never actually solves the quest he declares at the opening nor does he ever find out what's going on. The script itself is so obviously completely and utterly re-written from its intended plot and then filmed over like, a weekend, that its astonishing a finished film exists at all. There is no benefit to this film from this frantic hurtle towards completion. What is extruded onto the screen is a mixture of lazy stunting, confusing and undulating power, amateur at best cinematography, near spite levels of disinterest in special effects execution, and some baffling writing with occasionally completely absent connective tissue. Scenes have little to do with each other, characters directly contradict things they say a sentence earlier, no tension for any fight scene is ever established, and there is a lingering feeling they overdubbed problem scenes to further cover production problems. Notable things about this film: They hired Adriana Spadaro who at this point had a 20 year career in making sexy outfits for sexy italian movies. This film is not sexy and intended to be a kids movie. The outfits they had Spadaro produce are also suspiciously similar to early Thor villainess outfits and have difficulty manifesting in the physical world especially on this films budget. This leads to what is pure conjecture on my part, but I think the outfits were approved in sketch design then entered production/finished before casting was finalized independent of Spadaro because the women in this film do not have the proportions to either be accentuated by the costumes or even properly fit them. It is a cast wearing what appears to be their older sisters embarrassing back of the closet fashion disasters. Deeply Unpleasant Notable things about this film: The film was re-written to be a kids film to meet Lou Ferrigno's demands. The final act involves a female villain chaining Hercules up and declaring her plan to drug him with heroin and then rape him repeatedly for eternity to breed a race of Ubermensch. HERC-O-METER 1) Hercules is shirtless - I actually don't think he ever has a shirt, nor even a pretense like a singlet. Its pec city baby 2) Hercules has annoying sidekick - Circe devours close to 40% of the films runtime with her existence. She is very, very obviously excised parts of the original villainesses plot but tried to repackage as an ally and holy poo poo does that not work 3) Poor Reference Name - The love interest name is Cassiopeia. At least its not Jocasta! 4) Hercules Gets Sleepy - He passes out on a beach, but this is exhaustion not normal sleep and he does not declare his sleepyness. No points in this category 5) Hercules is drugged - He does not get drugged, but the drugging heroin water cup is put to his lips 6) Hercules is sexually assaulted - The evil queen, in this kids movie, states her goal of raping Hercules forever to birth an endless army of new men to rule the world 7) There is a Villainous Woman who traps men - I mean goddamn did you read point number 6? 8) Hercules' Pectoral Wound - With the clock ticking down and less than 3 minutes to go into the film our boy Herc pulls it out and gets wounded right on the pecs 9) Pointless Oath to the Gods with No Bearing on Narrative - He vows to find an answer and then does not find an answer and does not search for it 10) Hercules doesn't kill the final villain - He actually kills them both! Having Hercules kill the female villain in cold blood though doesn't feel like progress, it feels like using bisexuality as a way to demonstrate villain hood leaks into treating the villain as a man for the purpose of killing them. Progress through bigotry? I dunno. Final Verdict - Much like World War I was thought to be the War to End All Wars, I thought surely this would be the Hercules Film to End all Hercules Films but it got a sequel a few years later Barudak fucked around with this message at 18:55 on Dec 8, 2022 |
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Dec 8, 2022 18:51
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I returned to Hercules Hercules 2 (1985) also known as Hercules the Invincible Luigi Cozzi returns as director to make Adriana Spadaro's life as his costume designer absolutely miserable while Lou Ferrigno has complete control over the script. This is the sort of sequel you expect from Cannon films, the first 7:30 of a 95 minute film are spent on showing you clips of the first film with the lead actress carefully edited around because she ain't back and the film score is completely reused, down to the recording itself. Its louder, dumber, less trying to be a Superman film than the previous one, and definitely wants to be more "kid friendly" in a way that only Lou Ferrigno and a bunch of insane people at Cannon would think being kid friendly works. The film concerns Hercules who is sent on a quest to retrieve seven magic thunderbolts of zeus for reasons that aren't actually revealed to him until the 45 minute mark into the film. He's not even told by Zeus, his father, who sends him on the quest. Thats ok though, because every single fight scene and everywhere hercules goes culminates in him reclaiming a lost thunderbolt, so actually looking for the things is a complete non factor. This time Hercules has two companions, both female, which means "being a useless load" is split across two characters. Noteable Things: 1) William Berger returns as Minos, the villain. Minos is incredible, and without a doubt the absolute best thing about the first film so bringing him back was the 100% correct choice. If you've seen Rise of Skywalker the feeling you'll get when Minos returns and hams it up on screen is what those talentless hacks thought you'd feel when they copied this film resurrecting its villain who was defeated in a glowing sword battle atop a power shaft and then fell into an exploding castle. Minos steals every scene he's in, the script he's in, and his goals and ambitions are 100% in line with the audiences so watching him win feels satisfying and rewarding. 2) This film's efforts to become a kids film basically only pertains to sexuality. Not Luigi Cozzi's obsession with leggy blondes or Adriana Spadaro's desperation to have a single woman who has enough bosom to make her costumes fit right, no just nobody seems to want or have any ability to have romantic feelings. Violence though? Oh its all in here, with a gory fried corpse to start, some gnarly impaled slime men oozing from their bodies, and a skeleton corpse being bathed in a murdered man's dripping blood as he hangs like a pig. Thanks to the films budget saving effort by having a cast of basically just 8 people and absolutely no extras or background characters, and almost all of those characters being women, this film ends up coming across like it really likes killing women. Theres just a lot of brutal lady murder, begging for life, and women doing absolutely nothing to stop other women from meeting a grisly end. They kill one woman effectively three times in the film, and once in what is s a shot like a lethal white t-shirt contest. Both female leads in the film are told to kill themselves by a man in the movie and do it without hesitation. Its one of the more unpleasant films I've watched as it builds. HERC-O-METER 1) Hercules is shirtless - You better believe it. This herc owns literally just his little thong with thigh pads and shoes, no time even for a sword or shield 2) Hercules has annoying sidekick - Two of them. They have literally one pathetic attempt having part of one fight scene and otherwise are given so little direction and have so little acting acumen that they may as well be two cardboard cutouts. The main female lead spends the entire film repeatedly going to the same character to get told what she should do, while the other one dies a whole bunch. 3) Poor Reference Name - Every name that could be used wrong basically is, its an un-ending stream of character names from other myths slapped onto unrelated things 4) Hercules Gets Sleepy - He falls asleep due to being hit with a "Magnetic Net" 5) Hercules is drugged - The film sets up opportunities multiple times, but nope 6) Hercules is sexually assaulted - In a bizarre scene they do the "sexual spiderwoman will kill hercules" but leave out the sexual thing and she doesn't turn into a monster until after she's dead so you're instead treated to a scene where hercules just wakes up and chokes a woman to death he's never met before. 7) There is a Villainous Woman who traps men - Yep, see above 8) Hercules' Nipple Wound - Yes, but its only in the part of the film thats clipshow content from the first film because Herc doesn't take a single hit in this movie other than the magnetic net. 9) Pointless Oath to the Gods with No Bearing on Narrative - Since the gods in this film are villains and really, really poo poo at their jobs the female lead instead makes an oath the fairies and power of goodness 10) Hercules doesn't kill the final villain - He does because spoiler The end of this film is a rotoscoped low budget version of Godzilla versus King Kong and features King Kong motherfucking german suplexing godzilla 11) Bonus Point for Italian Bigfoot - First fight of the film is Italian Bigfoot, so instantly, you know you're getting herc'd Final Score on the Herc Index: 7/10 Final Verdict - Despite being a hateful little film towards women, its somehow better than the previous hercules film and a lot of the other hercules movies because at least things keep moving. FEAR THE SCIENCE OF MINOS Barudak fucked around with this message at 07:27 on May 14, 2023 |
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May 14, 2023 07:25
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I am not going to make a large post for Sinbad (1989) but it does have the single worst character I've ever seen included in a film as comic relief who is not a racist stereotype. It makes the first 45 minutes which are hot garbage feel like an enduring cinematic masterpiece he's so awful.
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May 14, 2023 13:26
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Splint Chesthair posted:I read a book about the history of Cannon Films, and according to Cozzi Ferrigno had no idea this was a sequel to Hercules. Technically all of his scenes for this movie were "reshoots" for a different gladiator movie Ferrigno was making around that same time. They bolted all the material together to make a Hercules sequel. What? What???? This changes everything. A friend and I chatted about this film for a few hours trying to understand how this abomination came to be and now were even more confused. Goddang
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May 17, 2023 01:23
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Wait, if they hosed over Lou that badly why would he come back and work with the exact same people for Sinbad???Maxwell Lord posted:I remember seeing the movie as a kid, thinking it was a big deal, but also being very curious as to why all the women in it died horribly. Its the most striking aspect of the film, yeah
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May 17, 2023 04:21
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Flesh+Blood Paul Verhovens medieval Europe swords and god film that was an utter flop. Its a film about two groups of absolutely awful people going head to head and all the death and misery that follows in that wake. Apparently though it did have a lasting impact as Berserk is inspired by this, which, yeah I can see it. This is definitely the kind of film where about 5 minutes in you can see why Paul Verhoven decided he had to learn about American culture and attitudes to avoid making these mistakes again. We've got a film of misery, filth, and savagery but characters especially the lead are so jaded they seem as though they know they are immune to their situation. Theres a strange pro-crushing peasant rebellion tome to the whole thing. Rutger Hauer puts in yet another performance pushing me towards my hypothesis that Jared Leto inherited his cinematic curse. That said the female lead, played incredibly incredibly well by Jennifer Jason Leigh, is probably worth watching the film for because for what seems like a misery woman role she gets to overshadow and consume the central conflict. Still not a "romantic" film Wikipedia, unless your idea of romance involves a lot of rape and inflicting head wounds to women.
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May 18, 2023 05:06
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Watched Clash of the Titans 1983 and 2010 and it was twofold fascinating 1) 2010 is very, painfully on the nose at times, a response to the 1983 film not really a remake of it 2) The 2010 is a stunning example of taking a bad thing, improving it heavily, and still ending up with something that achieves Channing Tatum of quality.
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Mar 29, 2024 14:58
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