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Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. There's probably nothing I could tell you about myself that would be more embarrassing than "I paid real cash moneys to go see Mortal Kombat: Annihilation at the cinema". In my defense I'd enjoyed the first one (recognizing it as stupid but fun) and was a dumb teenager. It's an awful film in every way, but I've probably got more fun mileage out of ranting about how awful it is to other people than I get out of just watching most movies. Seriously: - Opening credits are completely identical to the first movie except with 'Annihilation' in the worlds worst 3D font added at the end! Surely this bodes well! - One of the three main characters from first movie killed off so unceremoniously and anticlimatically in the first couple of minutes that you're sure he'll be back but nope, he's really dead! - Ton of characters that show up for all of 10 seconds to add nothing to the plot! - Hilarious scene of some mook getting chucked into a flaming pit! - A villain who looks and sounds like something out of "The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"! - All fighting replaced with camera cuts and people flying through the air like in "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys"!... - ...or with terrible CGI (also like "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys")! - Dialogue so bad it makes the original seem like a literary masterpiece! - Characters split up over a childish argument, so that the woman can have a girl-on-girl mud wrestle with another woman, only to be almost completely clean (save a smudge on her cheek) in the very next scene where she rejoins her mentally challenged buddy! - Random lab in the middle of the desert containing nobody but Jaxx, the robot arm black dude, who is hooked up to IV drips on an operating table (implying he went through surgery to get his robot arms? Ah, but see below!) Why is there nobody else there and where did they go? This movie does not care and you're already thinking too much! Instead, there are now ninjas raining from the sky! - Selfsame Jaxx learning an important lesson about trusting in yourself, not your robot arms, who then proceeds to TAKE OFF HIS ROBOT ARMS AS IF THEY WERE SLEEVES, revealing normal arms beneath. He is naturally much stronger this way! Wait, if he can just take them off like that why was he on an operating table? I don't know! - Baraka armed with wobbly rubber blades! And wobbly rubber mask! - Sheeva, the four-armed dragon lady being constantly built up as one of this movie's big tough evil guys! We're constantly teased with the possibility that she's now going to go fight the heroes, but no! Then she and Liu Kang (the designated protagonist) finally end up in the same scene together and... he drops a heavy metal cage on her. She dead! - Villain gets turned into a cube! - A movie so bad that even Christopher Lambert thought it was too rubbish to be in! See, this was so much fun to write, despite being torturous to sit through. Soul Reaver has a new favorite as of 09:38 on Feb 25, 2019 |
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Feb 25, 2019 09:35
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 10:43 |
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This guy is a centaur thing but he's usually shot like this, probably because they had already used up most of their horse rear end quota to staff the production.
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Feb 25, 2019 10:10
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