Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim starts vibrating at a high frequency, allowing him to pass through solid objects.

“Dwwzzzzztttttttt, iiiiiii guesszzzzzz thisssszzzz issszzzzz puzzzztttinnggggg aaaaaa whooooollllleeee nnnneeeewwww zzzzsssspppiiiiiinnnn onnnnnnn vvvvviiiiibratoooorrrrzzz!”

Dwight has no idea what Jim said, but simply politely nods. Jim then places one vibrating hand into Dwight’s chest, places it within his heart, and then stops vibrating. Dwight keels over dead as Jim mugs for the camera.

“Hey, Pam! Look, you don’t need the vibrator any more! I can do it! Look!”

Jim starts vibrating again but, this time, he slips through the floor below him. Jim is never seen again as his intangible form falls to the center of the Earth.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

In honor of the new X-men cartoon, Jim pushes Dwight down a flight of stairs.

“Just like Professor X has to deal with every day!”

Jim then produces a pair of adamantium claws and uses then to slice his Italian sub in half.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim Dwights Hit's Hammer picture with a baby

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight finds his vintage album by MC Hammer, Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em shattered into a hundred pieces, apparently by a heavy blunt object. He has no idea who the culprit might be.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim’s new album Please Jim, Don’t Prank ‘Em debuts at #1 on the Billboard charts, knocking Dwight’s Beet It down to number 4.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim’s new killer single "Prank, Prank, Baby" debuts at #1 on the Billboard charts, knocking Dwight song "Killer Tofu" down to number 4. Jim's song is a clear rip-off of Dwight's "I Need Mo' Allowance" from his album Beets Me, where Jim is just saying the word "prank" over Dwight's song.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Dwight responds with the diss track “We Got the Beets”. Jim responds by vomiting Dwight’s mom’s spaghetti all over Dwight’s new sweater.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim buys the land adjacent to Dwight's and sells it to Dr Dre, convincing him to create Beets by Dre which becomes incredibly popular. However this fails to drive Dwight out of business as Dwight simply becomes a supplier for Dre and administrates his land for him

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim suggests that he and Dwight go spelunking together as a bonding experience. Dwight, who went caving a bit in his younger days, agrees to this, despite Angela warning him that it's "obviously some kind of prank". Dwight reassures his wife that he's prepared for anything. Sadly, Dwight has no idea what's in store for him.

Jim leads Dwight to a cave known colloquially as "The Booty Tube" for its resemblance to a large butt.

"Do you get it, Dwight? The entrance, pffftttt, it looks like a butt! Oh man, they should put this in the next Minions movie! Can you imagine? A butt cave! What if, like, a fart came out of it and some bats flew out like poop!??!"

Jim can't stop laughing as he parks the car in front of the cave. Dwight, having done his research, is aware that the Booty Tube is a very simple cave to explore, normally visited by grade school field trips and tourists. Nevertheless, he outfits himself with multiple flashlights, climbing equipment, food, water, and a radio and cell phone. As they walk into the cave, Jim keeps giggling and touching the walls of the cave.

"Like a drat butt, Dwight. Nature really is amazing, huh? Hey, what if... pffttt.... what if there's a WEINER CAVE out there?!? Like on the other end, and you come out the pee hole?!?! I know you couldn't put that in Minions without getting an R rating, but like, could you imagine?"

Dwight ignores this and enjoys the glory of nature. The cave walls, loom around him, reminding him of the power of nature and how insignificant humanity is in the grand scheme of things. Jim meanwhile, is making fart noises with his mouth as he walks around. After about half an hour of walking around, they reach two possible paths. Dwight pulls out the map he downloaded prior to the trip and sees that, although both sides are safe, the left path leads to a small underground river. He suggests they go that way.

"Okay," Jim says with a smile. "Hey, by the way, thanks for coming. I know I can be kind of... difficult. But you're the only person at work who really talks to me, you know? Like a human being. Jeez, look at me, getting all emotional inside a cave shaped like a butt. Ridiculous, right?"

Dwight pats Jim on the shoulder and says he's happy they work together, too.

As the two paper salesmen continue down the path towards the river, Dwight begins to worry that something is wrong. On the map, it looks like its only a few hundred feet to the river. But they've been walking for a while and don't see anything. Making matters worse, the path is a lot twistier than it looks on the map, and it gets so narrow in points that Dwight has to awkwardly slide through sideways (Jim is totally fine, though). Eventually, Dwight suggests that they turn back. Jim, however, looks sad.

"Yeah, I... I guess. Jeez, I just really wanted to see that river. You made it seem so cool."

Feeling bad, Dwight says they can go a little bit further, at least. After a few minutes, thankfully, the passage opens up again into a large room. In front of the two salesmen is, indeed, an underground river. Jim pats Dwight on the back and smiles, then rushes over to the river for a photo. Dwight tells him to be careful not to fall in, but Jim runs as fast as he can while pinwheeling his arms and making farting noises with his mouth.

"Dwight! This is AWESOME! And look, there are freaking FISH in here!"

Dwight follows Jim over to the river and sees that, indeed, there are cave fish swimming in the river. The blind fish lazily follow the current of the fast-moving stream, the sound of rushing water echoing through the cavernous room. It's beautiful and tranquil and Dwight thanks Jim for pushing him to keep exploring the cave.

"Hey, no problem, Dwight. I guess my impulsive nature can be -"

Jim's voice is cut off as something leaps out of the darkness and lands on him. Dwight lets out a yelp of fear and trains his flashlight on him. Jim is screaming and flailing his limbs as something lays on top of him. Something bizarrely human. Dwight raises his flashlight as a club and brings it down on the beast's head, bludgeoning it again and again. Finally, blessedly, it stops moving. It does indeed look human, but sickeningly pale and thin. Its nude, with dark red stains covering it up to the ankles, almost as if it were wearing a pair of tennis shoes. Floppy hair hangs down over its face in strings, hiding parts of its monstrous, deformed face. But Dwight can still see two sunken, blind eyes and a mouth full of teeth like sunken headstones. He looks over at Jim, who is covered in blood and holding his neck.

"Oh, Dwight. Oh, poo poo. It slashed my neck. I'm bleeding, buddy. I'm bleeding real bad."

Jim lifts his hand up for a moment and a geyser of blood issues forth from his neck. He quickly puts his quivering hand back to stop the flow. Dwight tells Jim to stay calm, he's going to get them out of here. Dwight checks his radio and cell phone but there's no reception. He tells Jim to keep pressure on that wound, then lifts him over his shoulder. Dwight begins running back to the entrance of the cave when he hears skittering all around him. It stops for a moment, then there's an inhuman squeal that echoes through the cave.

"poo poo, Dwight," Jim says in a weak voice, "what the hell is going on? What are these things?"

Dwight tells Jim to save his energy, they can handle that later. As he passes through the twisting passageway he can hearing more of the monsters gaining on him, footsteps getting closer and closer.

"Dwight, buddy. I gotta confess. I did something bad. Real bad. This isn't The Booty Tube. Heh, Booty Tube. It's a different cave. Satan's rear end in a top hat. I thought that was even funnier. You know, because of the profanity. Heh heh heh. rear end in a top hat. But it's... oh God, I think I'm gonna pass out. But it's marked off on the maps, you're not supposed to visit it. But, you know, you've been in caves. I thought... I thought you'd be able to handle it. I'm sorry, buddy. Just... just leave me behind. It's my fault."

Dwight says that's not happening, picking up his speed and heading towards the entrance. He can see some sunlight now, thankfully, and tells Jim that everything's going to work out okay. Jim doesn't respond and Dwight worries that he may have already passed away. No matter, he thinks, I just have to reach the entrance. As Dwight finally reaches the entrance he looks behind him, where dozens of the humanoid creatures are standing, lurking in the dark corners of the cave entrance. Dwight shakes Jim but he doesn't respond. Looking back at the cave beasts, Dwight realizes something.

Floppy hair. Lanky limbs. Skeletal frame. A desire to cover the feet in red.

Dwight takes a step forward, holding Jim in front of him. The monsters take a step forward, too, with no anger in their eyes. Instead, they look sad. Dwight places an unmoving Jim on the cave floor in front of him, then steps away. As he walks backwards towards the entrance the cave beasts surround Jim's body and carry it back into the depths of the cave. Back home. As Dwight leaves the cave his says a silent prayer for Jim, hopefully finally at rest.

Dwight drives home in silence. As he parks in his garage, his phone rings. It's Pam.

"He's gone, isn't he? Thank you, Dwight. For finally setting him free."

Dwight tells Pam he's still struggling with what he saw and what he did, but thanks her for calling him. He knows he made the right decision but, still, it hurts. He hangs up the phone, promising to talk more at work tomorrow. He heads into his house, kisses Angela, and then heads upstairs for a shower. As the warm water careens down his body, all he can think of is the sound of that rushing underground river. He's in the shower for a long time.

"Hey, D, are you okay? You look like you were crying," Angela says as Dwight walks back downstairs in his bathrobe.

Dwight lies to his wife and says he just got some soap in his eyes.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight stays up until the small hours of the morning, drinking cup after cup of black coffee while his cigarrette smolders in its tray, thinking of all the ways he could murder Jim and get away with it. He eventually passes into a dreamless sleep before startling himself awake just in time for work.

"Jeez, Bag-on eyes Boy, you look like you barely slept last night, must not have been a 'feline' night!" As Dwight brushes past to the coffee maker, Jim calls after him, "Cat got your tongue? You certainly aren't 'purring' along this morning! You must-" Jim cuts off as Dwight cannot hear him anymore.

In a talking head segment, Jim explains to the camera that he loosed three thousand female cats in heat on Shrute Farms the night before.

In a second talking head segment, in response to an unseen question from the cameraman, Dwight looks surprised. "He did? No, I didn't even notice." In response to a second question, Dwight answers, "No, nothing atypical. Just a usual night for me."

Jim, sitting at his desk, is playing paper football with himself. The camera pans and zooms past him to Dwight, who is glaring at him.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

The programmers for The Office 64: The Official Video Game of the Hit Show are on a massive time crunch and have little time for QA testing. Unfortunately, this leads to a glitch where Jim can, at times, clip through walls and become impossible to interact with.

The game sells millions due to the popularity of the show, but the so-called "Jim Glitch" prevents many people from finishing the game, as the player must restart from the last checkpoint if the Jim Glitch is encountered. The game includes multiple underwater segments, stealth segments, and even an escort mission where Dwight must lead Creed to the bathroom. Each of these precedes a Jim encounter and, unfortunately, poor controls and even worse AI for Creed makes these segments almost impossible to consistently clear.

The game gains a new wave of popularity decades later, however, as some enterprising players are able to mod the game and fix the Jim Glitch. Oddly, while datamining the game they also discover some unused text from the game. In it, Jim repeatedly refers to Dwight as "Balloon Boy" and references the events of 9/11, which happened 3 years after the game's initial release.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim chases Dwight around The Office with an horrifyingly absurd pair of scissors, large enough to cut a man in half.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."

A Fancy Hat posted:

Jim then produces a pair of adamantium claws and uses then to slice his Italian sub in half.

Jim doesn't wipe the mayonnaise and flecks of bread and ham from his claws before retracting, causing globs of mayo to accumulate on his knuckles. The next day his knuckle slits are burning red and itchy, and the day after the redness seems to be creeping up his forearm.

Dwight insists Jim see a doctor but Jim extends a single middle claw, as if to give the middle finger. He winces as the claw extends. The claw slit is swollen and weeps fluid.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim chases Dwight around the office with a horrifyingly absurd dildo, large enough to split a man in half.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight is having a night out and things are getting wild. His friends spring for a round of Jello shots and though Dwight reflexively winces at the word "Jello" he hides his discomfort for the sake of everyone's fun.

The shots arrive and everyone knocks them back.

Dwight immediately begins coughing and choking. Something is caught in his throat!

Dwight manages to cough up whatever was lodged in his throat. When he opens his slime-covered hand he sees he's holding a tiny stapler.

Jim, dressed in an old-timey bartender costume, waves at Dwight from behind the bar.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
"Hey, Dwight, check this out!" says Jim.

The moment Dwight looks up, Jim clocks Dwight in the face with a library book.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight is unlocking his car, getting ready to leave for the day when Jim says to him, "Hey, Dwight, get a load of this!"

At that moment a dump truck unloads six tons of dirty diapers onto Dwight's car.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
"Dwight, look over there!" Jim points at the opposite wall.

Dwight looks around and sees the word "THERE" written in big Sesame Street foam letters. Perched on top of the "E" is an angry-looking falcon.

The moment Dwight makes eye-contact with the falcon, it screeches and attacks his face.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
"Hey, Dwight, wanna see something cool?" asks Jim.

When Dwight looks up, Jim sprays Dwight's glasses with liquid nitrogen.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Dwight feels a tap on his left shoulder. When he turns his head to look, he's surprised to find no one there! That's when Jim (on Dwight's RIGHT side) says ""ha, made you look!"

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim purchases the Cuckoo Clock of Doom for the eponymous Goosebumps book of the same name. He then uses it to travel back in time to when Dwight was a baby and smother him in his crib. Returning to the present, Jim discovers a world without Dwight. When he tries to prank Oscar instead, Oscar slaps him in the face.

"B-but, I was just going to prank you!"

"Prank me? Pranks were outlawed back in '81 after that kid was smothered in his crib. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Dwight Schrute!"

Jim screams in horror at this shocking twist ending.

FunkyAl
Mar 28, 2010

Your vitals soar.
Dwight arrives at work to find his keyboard and computer monitor covered in gold paint. When questioned, Jim can only reply that "I guess Goldenface must have used your computer."

This annoys Dwight, as he is perfectly aware "Goldenface" is a character Jim portrays in the "Michael Scarn" series of movies. And it continues to annoy Dwight throughout the week, when he finds gold paint on his work clothes, his lunch in the fridge, the report he was about to deliver to Michael, and smeared all over his car's rearview mirrors.

On Friday, Dwight encounters a floppy man with Gold facepaint blocking his entrance to The Office. "Hee Hee Haw Snort, Dwight? Can't sell your precious paper today, can you? Too afraid of my Golden Gun?"

Goldenface cocks his gun at Dwight, and this he can't stand. It's one thing to subject him to a week of golden pranks, but threatening him with violence in his workplace, and implicitly threatening his coworkers? Dwight just can't stand this, and he lunges at Goldenface, tackling him to the ground. At the same moment, Kevin walks through the door, and as Goldenface falls to the ground the door closes on his neck, beheading him.

A toilet flushes in the other room and out walks Jim, drying his hands on his pants. "Whoa, poo poo Dwight. You killed Goldenface? That's pretty baller dude, I wouldn't have the guts for that. He's a pretty dangerous guy though, he's got a lot of connections to arms dealers and organized crime. Someone's going to come after you, and it's NOT going to be pretty. Remember what happened to Catherine Zeta-Scarn? That's gonna look like playtime compared to what's going to happen to you."

Realizing the truth in his friend Jim's words, Dwight skips town. To protect his family, he does not even say goodbye to his wife Angela or son Phillip. He spends the rest of his life on the lam, always looking over his shoulder, fleeing shadows.

Jim, who had nothing to do with any of this, smirks. He just likes smirking. It's what he does!

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! This song is FIRE!”

Dwight, always eager to hear new music, puts on the headphones which immediately burst into flame.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight gets through an entire workday without being pranked once.

In a talking head segment, Jim expresses disappointment that Dwight never opened the filing cabinet with the claymore mine inside.

"I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else tomorrow," sighs Jim.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim claims that Dwight is working nights as a stripper known only as Rock Hard Beet. Dwight denies this but Jim claims he has video evidence. He produces a grainy cellphone video of someone who looks vaguely like Dwight dancing shirtless in a dark club. Hardly proof of anything.

"Where'd you film this at, Jim?" Michael asks.

"Oh, over at the Glasshole. You know, that old glassworks building that they turned into a strip club?"

"Why were you at the Glasshole?" Pam asks, coldly.

"Uh, to... to look for Dwight."

"So you missed Philip's concert to go to a strip club because you THOUGHT Dwight might be working there? Jim, you told me your brother was in the hospital."

"Uh," Jim mutters, looking down at his shoes. "I don't... I mean... it was him."

"Who gives a poo poo?" Michael asks.

"I mean... he's... uh, well. It's funny," Jim says. "I mean, I thought it was."

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Dwight smirks, knowing that his moonlighting secret is safe for the time being.

sudonim
Oct 6, 2005

LaserPrinter69 posted:

Jim doesn't wipe the mayonnaise and flecks of bread and ham from his claws before retracting, causing globs of mayo to accumulate on his knuckles. The next day his knuckle slits are burning red and itchy, and the day after the redness seems to be creeping up his forearm.

Dwight insists Jim see a doctor but Jim extends a single middle claw, as if to give the middle finger. He winces as the claw extends. The claw slit is swollen and weeps fluid.

What sort of disgusting subhuman slob puts mayo and salami on the same sandwich???

People like Jim that's who

Crescent Wrench
Sep 30, 2005

The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
Grimey Drawer
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! This song is a JAM!"

Dwight, always eager to hear new music, puts on the headphones, which immediately coat his ears in sticky strawberry preserves.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! This song is a JAM!"

Dwight, always eager to hear new music, puts on the headphones, which immediately plays the 1990 classic “U Can’t Touch This” (Jim, as always, is at the vanguard of popular culture).

Dwight notices that while this song is playing, Jim doesn’t prank him. He somehow instantly wears genie pants and sidles crab-like from side to side, but never pranks. Dwight replays the song over and over again, keeping it playing so that Jim can’t prank him.

Oscar has to be taken to the hospital (due to an unrelated hernia).

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! This song is DA BOMB!”

Dwight, while always eager to hear new music, still isn’t dumb enough to fall for this one and says, “I’ll take your word for it, Jim. Why don’t YOU listen to it again since you like it so much?”

Jim replies, “You got it buddy, but you’re really missing out! This song is all that and a bag of chips!” Suddenly a bag of chips appears, which Jim munches happily while listening to his headphones. Dwight distractedly chews his salami and mayonnaise sandwich, thinking how nicely a bag of chips would complement his lunch.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Yo, Dwight, these beats are OFF DA HOOK!”

Dwight, always eager to hear new music, puts on the headphones which immediately start playing the theme song to Jaws.

Dwight looks back at Jim, confused. "Jim, what th—"

Dwight's question is gruesomely cut short by a giant great white shark which bursts out of the floor and clamps its jaws around Dwight's legs, dragging him screaming back into the hole.

Jim takes a shark-like bite out of Dwight's mayonnaise and salami sandwich and smirks at the camera.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
"Woah, Dwight, peep this!" says Jim.

Dwight looks up just in time to see a huge Marshmallow Peep hurling towards his face.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


"Hey Dwight can you hold this book for a second? It's really interesting." Jim hands Dwight a heavy book and Dwight opens it up to see what Jim was reading. It's "A Farewell to Arms"

Jim pulls out two scimitars from behind his back and with one clean swing cuts off both of Dwight's legs.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Yo, Dwight, these beats are THA poo poo!”

Dwight backs away slowly, he knows where this is going.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
"Hey, Dwight, do you mind taking a gander at this?" Jim rolls back his chair and gestures at his computer monitor.

Dwight gets up and walks over to Jim's side of the desk. As he leans forward to see what's on Jim's screen, a furious goose bursts out from under Jim's desk and bites Dwight directly on the balls.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Dwight flips through the channels at 3am, trying to find something to calm his racing mind. (It's been two weeks since Jim injected him with a glowing, pulsating fluid but the insomnia and raging erection haven't subsided.) Eventually he lands on public access where a strange commercial catches his eye.

"DO YOU LIKE SLOPPY PIZZA? DO YOU LIKE BLISTERINGLY HOT, HOTTER THAN THE CORE OF THE SUN AND SLOPPIER THAN A SACK OF PIG poo poo? THEN COME ON DOWN TO BIG SLOPPY JIM'S SLOPPY HOUSE OF PIZZA, THE BEST PIZZA IN PENNSYNVANIA AND TRY OUR NEW SLOPPY SALAMI AND MAYO SANDWICH, USE PROMO CODE SUDONIM FOR AN EXTRA SLOPPY DOLLOP OF MAYO"

The commercial cuts to an actor holding two wet soggy slices of thick cut salami with a cup of dark yellow mayonnaise slathered between the two patties. The actor takes a big bite, causing a fat glob of mayo to shoot across the room and splat on the wall. Huge drops of mayo roll down the actor's chin, pooling onto his shirt with a wet plop. The actor grins at the camera, several teeth appear to be missing from his mouth, and thick mayo squeezes between the gaps where his teeth should be. On Dwight's 4K oled he can clearly make out the gritty texture of dirt under the actor's long yellow fingernails, and every pore on his hands is filling with grease from the salami.

Dwight's stomach begins to rumble, but it's 3am and BIG SLOPPY JIM'S SLOPPY HOUSE OF PIZZA doesn't open for 8 more hours.

Crescent Wrench
Sep 30, 2005

The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
Grimey Drawer
Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! I was just looking at the Billboard charts and this song is NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET!"

Dwight instinctively throws the headphones back in Jim's face and sprints past him and out the front door. Jim, looking wounded, brings his other hand out from beneath his desk to reveal a small plastic Bullet Bill figurine.

"Dwight's been going on and on about how he's finally had time to get into Super Mario Bros. Wonder, so I got this for him as a gift," Jim says in a talking head segment. "I had the Super Mario theme song queued on the headphones, then when he was looking at the toy I was going to shoot him in the face."

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


“Hey Dwight, check out this sandwich! It’s an epic hero!” Says Jim, thrusting a disgusting salami and mayo sandwich in Dwight’s face. The dry, crunchy bread has soaked up gobs of yellowed day-old mayonnaise, but the rubbery, almost grey salami is the stinkiest, grossest part. The sandwich doesn’t turn into a Greek hoplite or anything, it’s just Jim being Jim.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight is woken up in the middle of the night by the phone ringing. Fearing that his Aunt Ida has finally passed, he answers it. The voice from the other end is screaming over a classic rock guitar. “Hey Dwight! It’s your cousin Jim. Jim Berry! You know that new sound you were looking for? Well, listen to this!” The phone receiver seems to have been thrust closer to the live performance. Dwight hangs up and tries to go back to sleep.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim lurks outside Dwight's house and shoots all the owls that come near so that Dwight can never get his Hogwarts letter.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply