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Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim gets Dwight banned from Patreon by filing an anonymous complaint that Dwight's beets didn't consent to be harvested.

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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

A bunch of weird fanfiction ends up at the office printer. It details a lot of bizarre and disturbing things, including Jim being some kind of cosmic prankster, Dwight going to a urologist a lot, and Pam having an occasional fling with the boom mic operator between bouts of alcoholism and extreme Disney fandom.

"Yo, what the fuuuuuck?" Jim says, loudly, as he flips through hundreds of sheets of paper. "Dwight, did you print all this?"

Dwight looks up from his work and says he hasn't printed a thing all day.

"No, I can tell," Jim says with a smile, "this is your writing style. Jesus, Dwight, what do you do all day? What the gently caress, dude?"

Dwight insists it wasn't him and says you just need to look through the printer's job history to find out who printed that.

"Okay, well, how the hell do you do that? Pam? Do you know how to work this thing?"

In his private office in the back, a terrified Darryl realizes he accidentally printed to the communal printer rather than his private office printer.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim begins a campaign of harassment against baseball star Scott Gregorio, assaulting the MLB player with a baseball bat while wearing a ski mask.

Later, Jim uses his programming skills to reprogram the GPS of billionaire Lawrence Hammond to redirect the billionaire's car to an isolated industrial park where Jim shoots Mrs. Hammond to death and fatally wounds Mr. Hammond before fleeing the scene in Dwight's car.

Police Chief Stottelmeyer and consulting detective Adrian Monk connect Mrs. Hammond to Scott Gregorio. Mrs. Hammond and Gregorio were having an affair, and the news of her sudden, violent death has Gregorio rattled. Monk learns that Gregorio is just days away from breaking the single season home run record, but it the record may be in jeopardy thanks to Gregorio's frazzled nerves.

After following a trail of clues, detective Monk is able to decipher Lawrence Hammond's cryptic last words as being a mnemonic for Dwight's license plate number. Further, Monk recalls that Dwight K. Schrute was briefly famous for catching the previous record-breaking ball. The ball is currently worth thousands of dollars, but would become worthless if Scott Gregorio breaks the record in his upcoming game.

Armed with a motive and circumstantial evidence, Monk and Stottelmeyer show up at Dwight's house and arrest him. During the ensuing scuffle, Mose runs off with the priceless ball in his mouth.

After a lengthy trial, Dwight is eventually acquitted. Gregorio falls short of breaking the record, but sadly Dwight's ball has been chewed to rags by Mose.

Jim smirks for the cameras.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Jim gets a job at Sony through his connection with his uncle. 6 months later, Dwight reads that the PS5 Pro specs have leaked, which include a Sony proprietary upscaling technology that's pronounced "pisser" and performance measures in flops per second. Dwight chuckles in amusement at this "souped-up" hardware refresh.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
It is Sunday evening and Jim isn't feeling particularly inspired so he decides to do a classic prank: Jim replaces the water in Dwight's cistern with gasoline.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim refuses to teach Dwight jellobending, thus throwing a major roadblock in the way of Dwight defeating the Fire Nation as Dwavatar, the Last Beetbender.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim teaches Dwight jellobending, but teaches him wrong on purpose, as a joke.

covidstomper58
Nov 8, 2020

Jim teaches Dwight how to grow a genetic copy of himself to colonize a new environment but appear to be native fauna.

Dwight uses this technology to clone a pair of beets one of himself and one of Jim that he stole DNA from by scraping the back arch of a toilet seat that Jim had recently used.

Dwight places his beet clone in a tall mound of his best compost, the leavings from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, some pony jerky and Hooter's ham sandwiches.

Dwight then plants Jim's beet clone in a muddy patch of burst balloons, empty clowngas canisters and silly string shards.

As the two vegetable clones grow Jim's tainted earth beet sprouts into the air with spring shaped leaves and ruby colored vines reaching out tentacle like into every direction. It measures 6' after just two weeks.

In a panic, Dwight tries to pull the plug and walks out to his garden with a flamethrower.

Jim sits atop the curling vines which shimmer and hiss as droplets of irony drip onto the ground causing fizzing black burns upon the fertile earth.

"Dwight, I think you need to chill" Jim whispers and places his index finger upon his lips and gently blows at Dwight.

Dwight's flamethrower goes out and his skin goes numb as his teeth start chattering.

"Y...yuh..yeah... see you at the office tomorrow, I n-need to get inssside, cold out t-tnite" Dwight manages to stutter out while shivering.

Jim stands up and lifts the crate from the Dwight beet clone, admiring the perfect cube of Jello he has just set it in.

Jim smirks.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Dwight's final day at the office was somber, quiet. He refused to interact with anyone and forced himself to struggle through the mundane day of work, one last time.

Turning in his nametag and office keys to Michael, the pair shake hands.

"You can keep the nametag, if you want..." Michael awkwardly says, fighting the tears. "I can have the IT guys just turn off your access privileges. They're turning them off at 5PM, anyway. Just you know, anything as a memento of this place-"

"I don't want to remember anything about this place," Dwight said, coldly. "I should have left years ago. I-- I'm sorry. This isn't..."

Dwight shook his head and brushed off Michael, and made his way out of the office building.

"Hey, Balloon Boy," Jim ran up to Dwight and stopped him from leaving. "You're not going anywhere until you admit you're leaving because of me!"

Dwight expression remained wooden, not even allowing Jim the victory of any response, and kept walking, however, he felt his foot sticking to the ground. Losing his balance, he felt his other foot stuck as well.

No, not stuck. Embedded. As he tried to pull his feet from further digging into the earth, his fingers turned thin and spindly. He felt an unnatural ur-- No, not an unnatural urge, but a natural one, to reach into the sky and try to touch the sun. As he did, he felt his body grow more and more hard, rigid.

Before his senses totally transformed into new ones, the last thing his human eyes beheld was his arms, hands, and fingers turning into branches and sprouting buds on them.

It was beautiful and horrific, all at once. The only sensation he felt was golden warmth across what had become his body.

"I've heard of leaving a job, but LEAFING a job?" Jim mugs at the camera as he continued to piss all over Tree Dwight.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim writes more and more posts in Dwight's favorite thread driving down average post quality substantially.

Jim mugs his webcam as Dwight finally unsubscribes from the thread.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Highwayman Jim robs Dwight of his piss, using a matchlock pistol and a tin bucket

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Jim gets Dwight drunk and recreates the Jackass bit with the Matchbox car with Dwight's rear end.

Jim, though, takes even less safety precautions than the Jackass guys did and shoves the car in both sideways and too deeply. A surgery to remove the car has to be scheduled for later that day.

Meanwhile, in Dwight's intestines, four Tiny Jims who were carpooling are complaining they're going to be late for work.

"Talk about lovely traffic," one of the Tiny Jims mugs at the X-Ray Technician.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim installs a massive chandelier in the office, free of charge, and says it's to add "ambiance" to the building. Even Dwight loves it, the ornate glasswork shines beautifully in the morning light and adds a touch of class to the normally drab office surroundings.

Jim then cuts the chandelier free from the ceiling and crushes Dwight with it.

"The Phantom of the Office strikes again!" Jim cackles as he flees through a hidden trap door he installed in the conference room.

Dwight's relatively unharmed from the attack, though. Although the chandelier weighed a few hundred pounds, the ceilings in the office are only 7 feet high. So it only fell a few inches onto Dwight.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim sets a giant Easter basket full of candies and chocolates on Dwight's desk.

"Happy Easter, Dwight. As you know, Pam and I have our annual trip to Disney World for Easter planned, so I won't see you before Easter Sunday. So, you know, I decided to get you this basket before we leave!"

Dwight thanks Jim and looks at all the sweets inside the basket. They're all names and brands he's never heard of. Herkey's Choco Bombs. Cream-Filled Creamers. Oh! Jerry - The Candy Bar Made for a Man. Progglerockers. Bluebird and Company Brand Jizzlebursts.

"Well, don't you want to try one?" Jim says with a smile. "I know it's not Easter yet, but Jesus won't mind too much."

Dwight cautiously puts a Cockadoodie Fresh and Fruity Bar in his mouth, chews, and smiles at Jim.

Jim simply mugs as a flavor that Dwight's never tasted before fills his mouth.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Jim traps Dwight inside a giant chocolate Easter bunny so that Dwight is forced to eat his way out.

Consuming such a large amount of chocolate causes Dwight to break out so that he's covered in pimples just in time for Picture Day at Dunder-Mifflin.

Dwight sulks for the cameras from beneath a thick layer of concealer.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

“Look out Dwight, there’s a giant spider on the ceiling!”

Dwight looks up at Jim’s warning, only to see that Jim has created a replica of his mugging face on the ceiling with post it notes.

A few hours later, Jim looks up and screams.

“Dwight! Look out for real this time, there’s a giant spider on the ceiling!”

Dwight looks up and, this time, sees Jim has created a replica of his buttocks via post it note.

“Gotcha!” Jim says with a smile.

As the day is wrapping up, Jim screams again.

“Dwight! I’m not kidding this time! There’s a giant freaking spider on the ceiling and it’s headed right for you!”

Dwight scoffs at this, he’s not falling for that one again. As he returns to work, a massive black widow sets down upon his head and prepares to sink its jaws into Dwight’s fleshy head.

Jim also stuck a post it note replica of his crotch up there on the ceiling but Dwight obviously doesn’t see it.

Crescent Wrench
Sep 30, 2005

The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
Grimey Drawer
Jim lets out an exaggerated yawn and stretches his arms over his head.

"I'm booored! When's quitting time?"

Dwight furrows his brow and checks his watch.

"Jim, it's 9:05 in the morning."

Jim blows a raspberry and sulks at his desk for a few moments. Then his eyes start scanning the room as if choosing a target. He spies Michael at reception chatting with Pam (more like chatting AT Pam, in all honesty). Jim holds his index finger and thumb apart about a foot in front of his face, lines them up so that Michael's head appears in-between, and pinches his fingers shut.

"I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!" Jim says in a goofy voice, opening and shutting his fingers. "Let's see you manage this office when your head is as flat as the paper you sell! I'm crushing your head!"

Michael turns around, momentarily confused, but catches on as Jim keeps up the assault. Michael laughs and claps his hands together.

"Kids in the Hall! I love those guys!" Michael adopts a bizarre, fey Midwestern accent. "Ooh, I love dressing up like a girl! I'm so sassy and Canadian!"

Now Jim and Michael are both moving from co-worker to co-worker as they crush heads. Andy rolls his desk chair over and leans in like an eager puppy.

"What are we doing guys? Squeezing heads? I love it!"

Jim squares his fingers up around Andy's face.

"It's called CRUSHING heads, you buffoon! And now I'm going to crush your head flatter than your precious Ivy League diploma!"

Andy tries to laugh and wave Jim off, but then Michael leans in and harmonizes with Jim.

"We're crushing your head! We're crushing your head!"

Andy, somewhere between grunting and pouting, kicks his legs out and his chair sails backwards to his desk. Michael is laughing and slapping his legs. Dwight rolls his eyes, and Jim raises his fingers yet again.

"Oh, please, Jim, noooo," Dwight says, dripping with sarcasm. "Don't crush my head! I need my head! How else am I going to close this sale if I don't have a heaaa-"

Jim pinches his fingers, and Dwight's head instantly explodes, spraying blood, brains and bone all over the room. The office instantly breaks out into a panic. Phyllis is screaming hysterically, a wide-eyed Andy is desperately trying to wipe blood off his khakis, and Angela has gone pale staring at the skull fragment that's landed squarely in her lap.

Even Jim looks stunned for a second, but then he smiles and laughs softly to himself as he shakes his head.

---

In a talking head segment, Jim sits in the conference room, still sporting a crimson mask and gooey bits of brain matter in his floppy hair.

"I totally forgot that the cortex bomb I planted in Dwight's head last week was going off today!" Jim says. "I tell ya, I've got so many balls in the air these days I can't keep track of them all. Pretty good timing though, huh?"

The window to the office floor is right over Jim's shoulder, and Angela can be seen crying into the shoulder of a paramedic trying his best to comfort her.

"Was it really a coincidence, though?" Jim says. "I thought I set it to detonate at lunchtime. Did the head crushing set it off? Some kind of electronic interference? I wonder..."

Jim raises his index finger and thumb again, and slowly brings it up to circle the camera lens. The image shakes as the cameraman visibly startles.

Jim mugs for the camera.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight and Angela are waiting for a taxi after exiting a matinee performance of Phantom of the Opera. The line for a taxi is incredibly long and Dwight nervously looks at his watch, worried that they'll miss their dinner reservation. He suggests that they walk down a few blocks to try and find a less congested area to hail a taxi.

As they reach an empty block Dwight lifts his hand up to hail a passing cab. As the cab gets closer it becomes obvious that Jim is the driver. However, he looks a little different. He's dyed his floppy hair bright green and is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

"HEY HEY HEY!" Jim yells with a huge smile on his face. "C'mon over, have some fun with Halpert Taxi! I got some kicking music and I'm ready to drive you around! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!!"

Jim pulls up to Dwight and Angela and asks for their destination. He smiles.

"Buddy, you have no idea how crazy this taxi is about to get!"

Jim floors it and launches across downtown Scranton. Dwight ends up vomiting when Jim discovers a "shortcut" by driving through a parking garage and launching himself from the top floor, then crashing down 5 stories to the street below.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight gets up from his desk to go to the bathroom, making absolutely, positively sure to lock his computer, disconnect his mouse and keyboard and place them in a locked filing cabinet, and place tamper-evident seals over all the ports on his computer.

While Dwight is pooping, Jim bricks up the door to the men's room.

Jack-Off Lantern
Mar 2, 2012

Jim wins the prize for Scrantons, possibly all of Pennsylvanias, fastest Bricklayer

Jack-Off Lantern fucked around with this message at 13:05 on Mar 20, 2024

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim arranges for swarms of locusts to descend on dwight's farm

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim summons the Minions in to cull all of Dwight’s firstborn beets.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim magically transports Dwight into a Choose Your Own Adventure story where peril lurks behind every decision.

Also, due to Jim's poor editing skills, the book is an infinite loop. When Dwight chooses to drink from the Chalice of Enlightenment he's teleported back onto the deck of the SS Mercutio. Dwight at first thinks this is due to some magic property of the chalice but it's simply because Jim accidentally typed "go to page 55" instead of "go to page 45".

Dwight is never able to reach page 45, a story path that culminates in him battling the Lizard Men, saving the Forgotten Queen from her magic prison, and being given an audience with Portifax the Sorcerer who could then send Dwight back home via magic.

Dwight trudges through the same battle against the Kraken he's won 17 times, wondering if he should have used the red key instead of the blue one back in the Tower of Fates.

LaserPrinter69
Sep 6, 2022

"I did a perfect print job, grown men were coming up to me and saying with tears in their eyes, 'Sir, it was a perfect print job.' What they're trying to do to your favorite printer (ME!) is a disgrace."
Biblical Jim is bored. It's been a few hundred years since he pranked humanity by creating the earth in 7 days and burying fake dinosaur bones in the dirt. Looking down from heaven at his creation, he takes notice of a solemn farmer wearing mustard yellow robes, reaping his field of beets. The farmer rubs a totem worn around his neck and mutters a prayer, which biblical Jim recognizes as a prayer to Gefjon, goddess of plowing and virginity.

This angers biblical Jim, and he places a curse on this man's bloodline - no matter the technological state of the world, this farmers brood will forever plow fields, and be burdoned with an insatiable libido.

Still feeling pranky, biblical Jim decides to smite humans by unleashing a plague of the most vile creatures he can imagine - frogs. Millions of frogs rain down from the clouds, splattering on the ground at terminal velocity.

naem
May 29, 2011

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

jim arranges for swarms of locusts to descend on dwight's farm

“You know, they ate these in the bible.”

Dwight takes a bite of his traditionally made locust cake bread (dried roasted locust powder mixed with the flour, flavored with honey to conceal the bitter flavor)

Angela in the background is hovering six inches off the ground and speaking in tongues

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Biblical Jim circumcises Biblical Dwight and presents his, Biblical Dwight’s, foreskin to Saul.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


81
You duck as you enter the tiny, dirty door to Ye Olde Joke Shoppe, and the dim of the street market dies immediately as it slams shut behind you. The stained, dingy windows let in so little light that it takes a few minutes for your eyes to adjust to the darkness. Near the back, a scuttling motion catches your eye. At first you think it’s some kind of rag monster, but you quickly realize that it’s the proprietor of the shop: a lanky, floppy man covered in dirty rags with an insane leering smirk on his face.

“Hello, new customer! Welcome to my Ye Old-ee shop-ee!” With his rictus grin growing impossibly big, he scuttles sideways like a crab around the crowded shop, over a pile of bottles, behind a strange stuffed monkey, under the birdcage in which an owl hoots mournfully. “You’ll love it so much that you’ll want to stay here, forever….”

He slides the lock closed. Your screams cannot be heard on the street outside. This might all be a big joke to him, but for you, it’s
The End

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

dwight and angela take turns making tender, yet passionate, love to the locusts

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
It is Wednesday morning and Jim cleans up the prankorium. The floor is clean, the desk tidy and the the racecar bed made. Jim places a clown mat on the floor, starts soft juggling music and lights an incense of compressed clown gas.

He turns off the light and the basement is lit with the green shimmer of the burning incense. Jim then sits down on the mat prankster style, closes his eyes and begins to hum. Slowly but surely Jim's mind drifts away from this reality until he feels and thinks nothing anymore. He is then one with the prankiverse and suddenly vivid images appear in front of Jim's third eye. Apes flinging feces, squeaky machines kicking balls, soup and horrible pizzas. And a singular victim in all of this. Dwight. Soon the images 5ake a darker turn. Kill quotas for the year, mutilations, destruction of livelihood. Jim begins to smile as he silently draws in the wisdom of the shared consciousness of the world's pranksters. After a long while he opens his eyes in the real world with a clear idea on what fun prank he will play on Dwight. He can't help but cackle.

---

On the next morning just as Dwight wants to leave his house he finds all of his shoe laces tied together.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim releases a new animated film “Spider-Jim: Into the Prankiverse” via his production company Dwight K. Schrute Productions in order to avoid a major lawsuit from Marvel and Sony.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

"Hey Dwight, can I interest you in a hot roll with some butter?" Jim says, politely, as Dwight walks into the break room.

Jim is sitting in front of a large basket filled with hot rolls. Next to him is a large slab of butter. Dwight can't help but notice that the butter smells absolutely delicious, the richest and creamiest butter he's ever smelled. It reminds him of childhood summers spent on his grandmother's dairy farm. He asks Jim if he can have a roll.

"Sure thing, wasn't sure if you were watching your carbs there, Muscles. Ha ha, just kidding, one roll won't kill ya."

Jim slathers a roll with butter and hands it to Dwight, who quickly devours it. The bread is alright but the butter, my God, it's the best butter Dwight's ever tasted. In fact, it might just be the best THING Dwight's ever tasted. Jim smiles.

"Old family recipe for the butter. If you like it, I can make you some."

Dwight says he'd like that very much and asks what he'd owe Jim.

"Oh, your money's no good here, Dwight. I'll bring you a tub tomorrow, free of charge."

That night, Dwight dreams of the butter, it was that good. As he lies in bed, Jim sneaks in the bedroom window with a long plastic tube connected to a glass cylinder of some sort. He takes a small scalpel and makes a tiny incision on Dwight's stomach, then inserts the tube. He presses a button on the glass cylinder and it starts to whirr. Fat, blood, and muscle is sucked out of Dwight through the tube. Jim motions for the camera crew to come over.

"I drugged their dinners, obviously. As long as Dwight's fat rear end keeps shoving Oreos in his face, I'll have plenty of fat to make my special butter."

Dwight, who recently celebrated reaching 6% body fat, blissfully sleeps a drug-induced sleep and dreams of devouring more delicious butter. Jim giggles as his wicked machine clicks and whirrs. There's a grinding noise for a moment and Jim looks concerned. The suction stops, then quickly begins again, pulling in a piece of Dwight's stomach.

Jim mugs for the camera.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
The character of Jim Halpert, an inhumanly slender and floppy man originating on the Somethingawful dot com forums, is suddenly a major topic in the news after a pair of teenaged girls brutally stab a beet farmer to death, claiming Jim told them it would be "a fun prank."

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Jim convinces Dwight to make a new toy line like the Cabbage Patch Kids, the Beet Kids.

Dwight loves the idea.

Jim calls child services.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim tells Dwight that he, Jim, is going to The Office basement and that he’ll be right back.

Dwight scoffs, “Jim, you know we don’t have a basement here.”

“Shows how much you know, Mr Smart Pants, it’s right here behind this desk, look!”

With that, Jim walks behind the desk and seems to get lower with every step until he disappears completely.

Dwight rolls his eyes. “C’mon, Jim. You just slowly kneeled while walking behind the desk. Oldest prank in the book, come on out from behind the desk and get back to work.”

There’s no answer from Jim. Dwight sighs and tries to concentrate on his sales report.

Ten minutes later, Dwight finally caves and goes over to look behind the desk, exasperated. Oddly, Jim is nowhere to be found but there are also certainly no basement stairs. Confused, Dwight shakes his head for a moment.

From behind, Jim pushes Dwight down the basement stairs.

Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
Dwight returns to his desk after draining the snake in the men's room (Dwight had to milk the venom from a deadly king cobra Jim had placed in the urinal) and discovers one of the tamper-evident seals on his computer has been broken.

Dwight immediately cancels all his credit cards and orders new ones, checks his Amazon order history to make sure Jim hasn't ordered any dildos or rubber turds, calls all his relatives and assures them he is not dead, and checks his email sent folder to make sure Jim hasn't used Dwight's account to send death threats to the President.

While Dwight is still going through his anti prank checklist, Jim explains in a talking head interview that all he broke the tamper-evident seal by accident while dipping his balls in Dwight's coffee.

Dwight can be seen talking a sip of coffee through the blinds behind Jim as he calls all the major airlines to make sure no one has reserved tickets in his name.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim murders Dwight's parents with a hammer, as a prank

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

A Soft Nylon Bag
Jim gets hammered with Dwight’s parents and laughs at Dwight’s baby pictures when Dwight’s mother inevitably pulls out the photo albums.

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
Jim hits Dwight’s baby pictures with a hammer.

Erasable Penis
Aug 7, 2013
Jim spends more and more time with Dwight's parents getting to know all of Dwight's embarrassing childhood memories. Jim cannot wait to prankize this knowledge.

After their death Jim inherits all of their wealth while Dwight is stuck with the funeral costs.

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Taffy Jr.
Apr 8, 2017

Stays at home in comfort
Committing telepillage
After Dwight plays a devastating pawn move that threatens Jim's queen, Jim hurriedly swallows one of his magic beans to travel back to 1561 and invent the "en passant." On returning to the present, Jim takes Dwight's pawn with the pawn next to it, even though it makes no sense.

Jim mugs for the cameras as Dwight flips the board in a rage.

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