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The Lobotomy Kid
Aug 27, 2011

and act like a nut.
Jim goes to purchase child pornography he can plant in Dwight's desk, but the seller is clearly Dwight wearing a false beard.

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Tiberius Christ
Mar 4, 2009

Wait, not in the dick! Dwight yells

Rivethead
Feb 22, 2008

Jim confesses his true love for Dwight and they move to Vermont to open a bed and breakfast. Dwight discovers that Jim is secretly having an affair with Pam.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim hires an actor to pretend to be a ghost and follow Dwight around. Dwight becomes obsessed with the idea that he must lay the spirit to rest, and begins solving every unsolved case in Scranton's history.

Several lose ends in murder cases cause him to discover the existence of a serial killer he dubs "The Dollman", who preys on children because he himself never mentally grew out of adolescence. As Dwight refines the profile he begins to understand that the Dollman could only be one man - Michael Scott. Inviting him over to the farm under the guise of playing paintball, Dwight comes to terms with the fact that he may have to kill his boss if he refuses to cooperate. When Michael arrives at the farm his usual joyful façade falls away and he admits everything, thanking Dwight for finally "letting the world see the genius of Michael Scott". He gives Dwight a map showing him where the dozens of murdered children were buried, a taped recording of his confession, and a photo album which Michael warns Dwight not to view if he values his innocence.

Michael then shoots himself in the head, closing the case of the Dollman forever.

The entire time the actor is going "WoooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOO!" and making it really hard for Dwight to concentrate.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost
Jim puts a whoopee cushion on Dwight's chair.

A_Account
Nov 29, 2016

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN
Jim keeps repeating the word 'ligma' but Dwight, possibly aware of the prank, isn't responding. After an hour of this Dwight whispers 'what's ligma?' into Jim's ear.

"LIGMA BALLS! shouts Jim.

Jim looks across and smirks to where a camera once was. It's been nearly 6 years but actor John Krasinski slowly lost his mind and couldn't continue life without The Office. At least he's still getting to prank Dwight in his fantasy world every day.

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
Jim sneaks into Dwight's house in the middle of the night and places his hand in a cup of warm water so that he urinates on himself while asleep. Jim also does this to Dwight while he's there.

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
Jim sneaks into Dwight's house in the middle of the night and places his hand in a cup of warm water so that he urinates on himself while asleep. Also, he shoots him in the gut with a crossbow.

Hairy Right Hook
Sep 9, 2001

Hee to the ho
Jim shows his butt to Dwight and a tinier butt pops out from between the cheeks (like the alien from Aliens but with a butt dripping diarrhea and all) then it farts

Jim mugs at the camera knowingly

Tiberius Christ
Mar 4, 2009

Just crushing his windpipe like a saltine cracker but can't bring himself to kill yet

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim gets access to a time machine and uses it to torment Dwight at various points in his life.

Dwight's first friend, who he met in preschool? Jim pushes the kid in front of a car before he ever makes it to school.

The amazing catch Dwight made in little league to win the big game? Jim dug a hole in the outfield and little Dwight tripped over it, missing the ball.

The first kiss Dwight got at a middle school dance? Jim burns down the school in the middle of the dance, killing 15 kids including the girl Dwight kissed in the original timeline.

Modern Dwight can feel his mind slipping and his body deteriorating as Jim makes these cruel alterations to the timeline, eventually culminating in Jim crashing a car into Michael on the day he was going to re-hire Dwight from Staples (Season 3, Episode 14).

Dwight, now a physically frail and mentally unstable man working at Staples for 40 years, returns home to find a box addressed from his old co-worker, Jim Halpert. It contains proof of Dwight's old life - wedding photos with Angela, drawings that his 3 children drew of their family, even his nameplate from the office saying "DWIGHT K SCHUTE - REGIONAL MANAGER". The final piece is the eulogy Jim wrote for the alternate Dwight, explaining the beautiful life he lived and all of the small moments that made him who he was. These moments are all alien to Dwight, every "happy" memory in this eulogy is a bitter, sad day for him. The final paragraph of the eulogy reads as follows "I don't know what kind of person Dwight might have become had these events transpired differently. I don't suppose he'd be a very happy man. He'd be a broken man in many ways, and the worst punishment of all would be to show him what could have been. It would take a real monster to do that."

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim fucks Angela knowing that Dwight will walk in on them and see Jim pleasuring her in ways Dwight never has. When Dwight walks in rather than looking horrified he immediately drops trou and starts jerking it. Jim looks to the camera confused, cut to an interview of a nude Dwight and Angela who reveal both of them have massive cuckold fetishes.

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


A Fancy Hat posted:

Jim gets access to a time machine and uses it to torment Dwight at various points in his life.

Dwight's first friend, who he met in preschool? Jim pushes the kid in front of a car before he ever makes it to school.

The amazing catch Dwight made in little league to win the big game? Jim dug a hole in the outfield and little Dwight tripped over it, missing the ball.

The first kiss Dwight got at a middle school dance? Jim burns down the school in the middle of the dance, killing 15 kids including the girl Dwight kissed in the original timeline.

Modern Dwight can feel his mind slipping and his body deteriorating as Jim makes these cruel alterations to the timeline, eventually culminating in Jim crashing a car into Michael on the day he was going to re-hire Dwight from Staples (Season 3, Episode 14).

Dwight, now a physically frail and mentally unstable man working at Staples for 40 years, returns home to find a box addressed from his old co-worker, Jim Halpert. It contains proof of Dwight's old life - wedding photos with Angela, drawings that his 3 children drew of their family, even his nameplate from the office saying "DWIGHT K SCHUTE - REGIONAL MANAGER". The final piece is the eulogy Jim wrote for the alternate Dwight, explaining the beautiful life he lived and all of the small moments that made him who he was. These moments are all alien to Dwight, every "happy" memory in this eulogy is a bitter, sad day for him. The final paragraph of the eulogy reads as follows "I don't know what kind of person Dwight might have become had these events transpired differently. I don't suppose he'd be a very happy man. He'd be a broken man in many ways, and the worst punishment of all would be to show him what could have been. It would take a real monster to do that."

God drat man remind me never to piss you off

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim slyly edits a prank from years ago, then mugs for the camera, wondering if anyone will ever catch it.

A Fancy Hat fucked around with this message at 18:18 on Nov 15, 2022

Cubone
May 26, 2011

Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

A Fancy Hat posted:

Jim hires an actor to pretend to be a ghost and follow Dwight around. Dwight becomes obsessed with the idea that he must lay the spirit to rest, and begins solving every unsolved case in Scranton's history.

Several lose ends in murder cases cause him to discover the existence of a serial killer he dubs "The Dollman", who preys on children because he himself never mentally grew out of adolescence. As Dwight refines the profile he begins to understand that the Dollman could only be one man - Michael Scott. Inviting him over to the farm under the guise of playing paintball, Dwight comes to terms with the fact that he may have to kill his boss if he refuses to cooperate. When Michael arrives at the farm his usual joyful façade falls away and he admits everything, thanking Dwight for finally "letting the world see the genius of Michael Scott". He gives Dwight a map showing him where the dozens of murdered children were buried, a taped recording of his confession, and a photo album which Michael warns Dwight not to view if he values his innocence.

Michael then shoots himself in the head, closing the case of the Dollman forever.

The entire time the actor is going "WoooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOO!" and making it really hard for Dwight to concentrate.

The Lobotomy Kid posted:

Jim makes a series of threatening prank calls to other local businesses while wearing Dwight's clothes.

Applewhite posted:

Jim traps Dwight in a labyrinth that goes on forever.

star war beta max
Sep 26, 2018

by FactsAreUseless
- Jim shoots Dwight in the head with a pistol, killing him.

Griever
Jan 19, 2006

Everything has its beginning
Jim wheels an old CRT TV into the office with a VHS player on the shelf below. He asks everyone to gather round.
Dwight looks apprehensive; he knows Jim is up to one of his tricks.
Jim takes a package from his desk, wrapped in parcel paper. He carefully tears it open, removing the VHS tape inside. The label has been peeled off, leaving sticky remnants from the decades old adhesive. He places it into the player.
Dwight begins to fear that Jim found his collection. But he burned it, so how could that be?

The VHS plays and a BBC logo appears. Dwight breathes a sigh of relief. It's not one of his tapes.

Everyone watches in silence as the British BBC2 comedy The Office plays. After 66 seconds, everyone in the office turns to the camera in unison and begins screaming. They scream and scream as blood gushes from their eyes, their nose, their ears. The screams fluctuate as they drown on their blood, still screaming. The credits begin silently playing over the scene as the cast begin to fall to the ground, their bloody eyes still locked to the camera.

A_Account
Nov 29, 2016

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

935 posted:

God drat man remind me never to piss you off

Right? It made me sad just reading it goddam.

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
Jim spends millions of dollars on cosmetic surgery to look and sound exactly like Dwight. But he doesn't change his name or pretend to be him or anything like that, he just comes back to work like it's completely normal and nothing is different. Dwight goes insane from wondering the purpose of this abomination against nature, and when he resigns from his position at Dunder Mifflin, Jim takes his desk.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost
Jim switches Dwight's coffee with decaf.

Griever
Jan 19, 2006

Everything has its beginning
On September 9, 1991, FBI Special Agent Jim Krasinski survives an assassination attempt by freelance terrorist and homicidal sociopath Dwight Schrute, but the bullet penetrates Jim's chest and strikes his son Michael, killing the boy.

Six years later, Jim's vendetta against Dwight culminates in his team's ambush of Dwight and his younger sister and accomplice, Pam at the Los Angeles International Airport. Dwight goads Jim with knowledge of a bomb located somewhere in the city set to go off in a few days, but he is knocked into an irreversible coma before Jim can learn more.

Jim affirms that the threat is real, but is unable to convince Pam to reveal where the bomb is located. At the suggestion of his partner Tito Biondi and Special Ops specialist Dr. Hollis Miller, Jim secretly undergoes a highly experimental face transplant procedure by Dr. Malcolm Walsh to take on Dwight's face, voice, and appearance. Jim is taken to the same high-security prison where Pam is being held, and slowly convinces Pam that he is Dwight, gaining information on the bomb's location. Meanwhile, Dwight incredibly awakens from his coma and discovers his face missing. He calls his gang, and they force Dr. Walsh to transplant Jim's face onto him.

Dwight visits the prison and surprises Jim. He taunts his nemesis, telling him that he burned down Dr. Walsh's lab with Walsh, Biondi, and Miller inside to eliminate all the evidence of their transplant, and will take over Jim's life. He leaves Jim to languish while he convinces Pam to "reveal" the bomb's location in exchange for release from prison. Disarming his bomb in a dramatic fashion, Dwight-as-Jim gains respect from Jim's fellow FBI colleagues. Dwight becomes close to Jim's family, who Jim had neglected since he began seeking revenge against Dwight, romancing his wife Eve and rescuing his daughter Jamie from an abusive boyfriend.

Jim escapes after staging a riot and retreats to Dwight's headquarters. There, Jim meets Sasha, the sister of Dwight's primary drug kingpin, and her son Adam, who reminds Jim of Michael. Jim discovers that Adam is Dwight's son, who he once had planned to put in foster care. Dwight learns of Jim's escape and hastily assembles a team to raid his headquarters. The raid quickly turns into a bloodbath, killing numerous FBI agents and several members of Dwight's gang, including Pam; Jim, Sasha, and Adam are able to escape. Jim's supervisor, Director Victor Lazarro blames Dwight for the numerous slayings. Dwight, furious over Pam's death, kills Lazarro, and makes it look like a heart attack. Dwight-as-Jim is promoted to acting director as plans are made for Lazarro's funeral.

Jim finds safety for Sasha and Adam and approaches Eve. He persuades her to take a sample of Dwight's blood and his own to compare their blood types at the hospital where she works as a doctor to prove he is Jim. Convinced of her husband's identity, she tells him that Dwight will be vulnerable at Lazarro's funeral. At the ceremony, Jim finds that Dwight has anticipated his actions and takes Eve hostage. Sasha arrives, and a gunfight ensues; Sasha manages to save Eve after taking a bullet. Jim promises a dying Sasha to take care of Adam and raise him away from criminal life.

Dwight flees the church with Jim pursuing him. After killing two more federal agents, Dwight briefly takes Jamie hostage, but she escapes by stabbing him with a butterfly knife that Dwight had given her for self-defense. A speedboat chase ensues in which Jim forces Dwight to shore by collision, then bests Dwight in a melee fight. Dwight mutilates his own/Jim's face to taunt and distract him, but Jim instead gains the upper hand and impales Dwight with a spear gun, killing him. Backup agents arrive and address Jim by name, having been convinced by Eve of Jim's true identity. After the face transplant surgery is undone, Jim returns home, adopting Adam into his family and keeping his promise to Sasha.

Heliogabalos
Apr 16, 2017
you can still key in codes for the cheapest of item (for example, celery instead of organic whatever) and no one pays any attention and it saves me a fuckton of money on organic produce
Jim invites Dwight to accompany him to the Scranton Civil War museum. On the walk there, Jim shoves Dwight into the path of an oncoming dump truck, and the ensuing impact severs one of Dwight's legs and crushes his pelvis, requiring multiple surgeries and eight months of recovery. Unbeknownst to Dwight, Jim hid his healthcare renewal form some weeks prior, and the policy was never renewed. Dwight receives a bill for $1, 476, 388 and undergoes a series of micro-strokes, rendering his good leg partially paralyzed and his mental faculties that of a six-year old. He becomes the office receptionist, and in a final stroke of malevolence, Jim starts calling Dwight "Eileen" because of his propensity to pause every so often as he walks to the kitchen or bathroom to use the walls or a desk to rest, due to the extreme effort required now for even the most basic of movement. In a final stroke of irony, the now severely mentally disabled Dwight finds this hilarious, except when he laughs too hard, he drools now, and every time he drools the camera cuts to Jim who bears a grim, if self-satisfied and derisive smirk.

Later Jim will play a prank on the office similar to Dwight's fire alarm test, except he sets a real fire and locks Dwight in the bathroom where he dies a merciful death by CO2 poisoning. At his funeral, Jim's eulogy begins, "Dwight, or Eileen as he was known to his friends..." to general laughter, and later, as Dwight's casket is lowered into the ground, Jim, feigning sleep, says in the general silence of the observance, "change the channel, Pam - this is boring!" and the funereal audience bursts into collective laughter.

naem
May 29, 2011

jim convinces dwight that there is some sort of camera/ documentary crew that he is making faces at and occasionally giving one on one interviews to in the conference room

he is so convincing that the entire office plays along for over a decade

Rockman Reserve
Oct 2, 2007

"Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Jim realizes that Michael's relationship with Holly has fallen apart and he's moved back to Scranton in shame, working a series of odd jobs to try to stay afloat. Sensing an opportunity, Jim books Michael's companies for Dwight for everything from party DJing to septic tank pumping, assuming that both Dwight and Michael's sheer incompetence will lead to amusing failures when put together. Of course, it does, but through it all Dwight and Michael can't stop smiling. Finally, after watching Dwight and Michael happily eating brunch together only minutes after escaping from a blazing inferno (caused by Michael's photography company's misuse of century-old disposable flashbulbs), Jim realizes that their bond of friendship far surpasses whatever limitations their lack of common sense has caused. He looks at the camera, but doesn't mug - his eyes hollow, he thinks back to all the years of working with people he despised and looked down on, people he never truly gave a chance, people he never even saw as people.

He is alone.

The Lobotomy Kid
Aug 27, 2011

and act like a nut.
Jim puts a bucket on Dwight's head so he thinks it's nighttime and misses the big meeting.

naem
May 29, 2011

jim convinces dwight that here are some sort of alien monsters from another dimension that attack if you make a single sound

he and pam go so far as to hire actress emily blunt, who jim legally marries and repeatedly impregnates with several adorable children, eventually going on to a moderately successful hollywood career of his own

not to be outdone, dwight hired actress ellen page (who he dresses up like a superhero) and then beats another man to death with a wrench in the parking lot

Call Your Grandma
Jan 17, 2010

jim eats dwight's favourite sandwich in front of him and then when dwight asks if he can have some jim says no and then jim kicks dwight in the balls and laughs and the whole office also points and laughs and the people watching on television laugh as well.

naem
May 29, 2011

after the failure of Micheal Scott Paper company, Micheal moves to California where he takes a job in the stockroom of a franchise electronics store, where his poorly behaved bachelor coworkers learn that is is both 40 years old and a virgin.

drunken madcap adventures ensue including a brief appearance by then largely unknown porn actress Stormy Daniels before he settles down with a nice divorced woman

unpleasantly turgid
Jul 6, 2016

u lightweights couldn't even feed my shadow ;*
jim kills mose and hides the body; jim then has his actor friend impersonate Mose and gaslight Dwight. Dwight and the actor friend live together for the rest of their lives.

haha parnked

CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
Jim gets an open carry permit and starts bringing a handgun to work, and any time people question why he would need protection like that in an office setting he looks directly at Dwight while saying "in case I see anyone about to go postal" with a blank expression.

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH
Jim puts beets from Schrute Farms in aspic

Prank backfires because Dwight loves aspic

The Lobotomy Kid
Aug 27, 2011

and act like a nut.
Jim dresses up as Dwight's fantroll and parades naked in front of a public school.

The Lobotomy Kid
Aug 27, 2011

and act like a nut.
Jim fools Dwight into getting hit by a steamtrain during the opening ceremony of The Scranton Silent Film Festival.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost
Using mystical powers from the ancient beract elven crystal discovered in the Twelve Dooms, Jim transmutes Dwight's coffee into decaf.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim jerks off Dwight to completion

putin is a cunt
Apr 5, 2007

BOY DO I SURE ENJOY TRASH. THERE'S NOTHING MORE I LOVE THAN TO SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF THE BIG SCREEN AND EAT A BIIIIG STEAMY BOWL OF SHIT. WARNER BROS CAN COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND ASSFUCK MY MOM WHILE I WATCH AND I WOULD CERTIFY IT FRESH, NO QUESTION
jim disguises himself as dwights chair while sporting an immense erection

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
My grandfather told me once that inside each of us there are two office workers: a Jim and a Dwight. They are locked together in an eternal prank war.

"Who will win?" I asked my grandfather.

He answered "Whichever one you feed."

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim sits down at his desk opposite Dwight. After a few minutes he reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a Slim Jim jerky stick and gets his snack on. When he notices Dwight is watching him, Jim says, smugly "too bad you don't have a snack named after you."

"Oh, no?" asks Dwight, smirking arching his eyebrow.

Jim cocks his head inquisitively. Dwight reaches into his desk and retrieves a brown paper bag labeled "Dwight Bites" in handwritten sharpie. They're beef jerky bits Dwight makes himself back at his farm. Dwight pops one in his mouth and goes "Mmmm. So good."

Jim nods and purses his lips, impressed despite himself. Dwight has won this round.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
- Dwight bites into his lunchtime sandwich and gags. He drops the sandwich to the floor and —still gagging— pulls something rubbery from between his lips. He realizes with horror that it's a used condom and vomits onto his desk. Jim smirks at the camera.

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CJacobs
Apr 17, 2011

Reach for the moon!
Jim spikes Dwight's coffee with a night time sleep aid for several days in a row so that he continually falls asleep at work. When Michael takes note of this and fires Dwight (even though he himself naps in his office almost every day), Dwight is so disgraced and destitute and confused that he cries while packing up his belongings. Jim looks at the camera with a satisfied smirk as Dwight fumbles with his things, spilling them everywhere on his way out the door. It is only 20 years later when he retires that Jim realizes the weight of what he has done.

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