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poisonpill posted:Dwight wakes up to find that he is holding a pistol and facing down a horde of ravenous zombies. He begins rapidly firing at them, barely holding them off. A barrel with a machine gun floating above it rolls toward him, and he shoots it the number of times written on the barrel (34), unlocking the weapon which falls into his hands. He now begins shooting the machine gun, much faster, at a second barrel with a cannon floating above it, but isn't able to shoot it the 238 times required to break it before it rolls past him. He veers toward a gate with a +1 and Jim appears next to him, shooting alongside. Jim smirks as he turns and runs them through the obviously-wrong choice of +1 instead of x2, meaning they don't have enough people to win when a giant Kevin monster spills chili all over them. Dwight is forced to watch a two minute advertisement for a mobile game called “Jim Sexy Neighbor” before respawning.
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Mar 29, 2024 16:30
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| # ? May 15, 2024 08:29 |
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Jim gets really into "Candy Ninja", a free-to-play game in which he mindless waves a floppy (oddly phallic) Flute of Elimination across his favorite candies (Nerds, Taffy Taffy, Red Vines) and wins points for various combinations. Dwight watches over Jim's shoulder for a few minutes, but has no idea how the game is supposed to be played, or indeed what the win or loss conditions are; yet Jim seems to intuitively understand this game, as though it were made for him. For hours, Dwight hears "Banana! Ha-ha-ha!" and "Oh no! You bent my Abba-Zabba!" coming in tinny voices from Jim's phone. He realizes that he has been blissfully prank-free all day. This all comes to a crashing end when Jim run outs of his daily turns. He throws the phone sullenly across the room and pouts. Dwight watches with nervous trepidation when he recognizes the telltale signs that Jim is dreaming up a prank to pass the time. He quickly decides to retrieve Jim's phone, buy unlimited turns for the day (at the cost of only $.99) and give it back to Jim. Jim squeals with glee and happily spends the rest of his day playing Candy Ninja. The next day, as Dwight enters the office, he sees Jim sitting at his desk, waiting for him. Jim is wearing a bizarre low-cut top and looking lasciviously at Dwight, holding out his phone (which has already run out of turns) and asks, "Come play with me, My Lord?" Dwight sighs.
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Mar 30, 2024 16:38
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Dwight realizes that he developed the patchwork safety net to keep himself completely prank-free. He comes into work early (at 6:30 instead of his usual 7:30) and works quietly until Jim arrives (reliably around 11:00). Dwight immediately hits play on the boombox, which loops MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This". While the song is playing, Jim finds itirrnsistable to put on genie pants and shuffle sideways back and forth across the entryway, until Dwight ends the song for lunchtime. During lunch, Dwight buys Jim a one hour free-play on Candy Ninja, which keeps Jim engrossed on his phone with one hand while he shovels Jolly Ranchers into his mouth with the other. After lunch, Dwight enlists the aid of the colony of liberated Tiny Jims which he fosters in the supply closet. They watch for signs that Jim is getting ready to prank and call him on the office phone. They do their best Idris Elba impression (chosen for no reason other than they believe he would make a good James Bond) and ask for a "rundown" before hanging up. This terrifies Jim into spending the rest of the day googling what a rundown is, or for anxiety cures. In the bathroom, one of the homeless veterans that Dwight's shelters have been housing volunteers him time to act as a bathroom attendant. In addition to keeping the place sparklingly clean and providing free breath mints, the attendant glowers menacingly at Jim every time he tries to prepare a bathroom prank, or even disguise himself as a urinal for non-prank-related reasons. After work, Dwight places multiple fraudulent orders to Famous Jim's Original Pizza (the most gullible pizza place in Scranton, possibly all of Pennsylvania) with deliveries to remote locations such as "123 Prank Lane" in "Pranksburg", which keeps Jim busy spending the rest of his day driving all across the state trying to deliver his terrible pizzas for non-existent locations. Every evening, Dwight wanders around outside Jim's house wearing a Lyle the Crocodile costume for about thirty minutes, which terrifies Jim so much that he spends the night hiding under his bed, leaving him sleep-deprived in the morning (and conveniently buying Dwight about twelve hours in which Jim is rendered unable to prank him). After a few weeks of this treatment, the office is humming along at an amazing clip. Ryan's new e-commerce platform has tripled sales, which is on top of Dwight's tremendous week-over-week sales increases, all possible due to the fact that the office is no longer huddled in fear of Jim's reign of terror. Toby considers whether he should treat Dwight's behavior as office bullying (due to the fact that Jim has been reduced to a husk of his already too-thin former self), but decides that the lack of complaints he's had to deal with is worth it.
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Mar 30, 2024 17:11
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Dwight, Angela, Jim and Pam all return from a week off of work. The office has been quiet (boring, really) while they were gone. Everyone waits with bated breath for Jim to start pranking again, but something seems wrong. Jim is horribly sunburnt, red and blistered skin covers his face and the top of his hands. His eyes are bleary and he seems grossly malnourished, even for him. Although his belly is distended and threatening to burst forth from his shirt, it looks as if he hasn’t consumed anything with nutritional value in a week. Pam is similarly sunburnt and lays facedown at her desk, her frizzled hair sticking out like a clown’s fright wig. Dwight and Angela, in contrast, appear much calmer and collected than when they left work more than a week ago. Dwight has undone an additional button on the top of his mustard yellow shirt, revealing the top of his chiseled chest. A silver necklace hangs from his neck, a small gem dangling from the bottom. Even Angela, usually extremely conservative in dress and attire, has shown up to work with a flower print shirt. “Jeez,” Jim chokes out in a raspy voice between fits of coughing, “you two look like poo poo. What’d you do on vacation? You didn’t even get tan.” Angela explains that they focused a lot on meditation during their time off, choosing to remain at home but using their free time to meditate, cleanse their bodies, and focus on their relationships with each other and be universe. “Okay so you’re poor now?” Jim says through parched lips. “We went to Disney and you morons sat in a dark room and sang songs. Wow, Dwight, I actually feel bad for you. No pranks today, Big Guy.” Jim coughs again, this time there’s a little bit of blood that comes out. He wipes it on his shirt and continues staring at nothing. Pam has totally fallen asleep at her desk. In a talking head segment Dwight admits that he also took a lot of hallucinogens and that he’s “foreseen the coming Fall of Jim”.
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Mar 30, 2024 23:53
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Dwight blinks and tilts his head. “Didn’t you used to hate Disney, Jim? You wouldn’t shut up about how they were losing money on their movies. Something about them being too ‘shook’ or ‘awake’ or something. Does anyone else remember that?” Without turning around, Phyllis adds, “Woke. Jim hated Disney for being ‘too woke’.” “That’s right,” says Dwight, “When that Buzz Lightyear movie came out. That was a year ago? Three?” Jim, clearly hungover and barely conscious, mutters “I love Disney, they bring imagination to life.” Jim burps, with a slight retching sound. “It’s almost as if your strongly carried convictions bounce at random between exaggerated extremes, constantly keeping you at the vanguard of our society’s most annoying characters,” Dwight muses. Jim doesn’t reply (he’s passed out).
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Mar 31, 2024 00:11
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Jim falls down the stairs and breaks his neck. Tentatively, Dwight starts scratching a new entry in the record of Jim deaths.
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Mar 31, 2024 02:58
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Jim de-chlorinates Dwight's pool, transforming it into a giant petri dish of slime and bacteria
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Mar 31, 2024 05:30
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Jim has very thorough and intense diarrhea on Dwight’s bed. Dwight, of course, is sleeping at the time.
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Mar 31, 2024 13:33
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Jim handcuffs himself to Dwight, happily exclaiming that they’re now “friends forever”. 30 years later, Dwight finally celebrates his retirement from Dunder Mifflin. His manager is ready to hand him his gold watch but looks perplexed. “Dwight, uh, sorry, but the handcuffed guy makes this a little difficult. Which wrist do you want this on?” Dwight smiles and nods to his left wrist. On his right, the handcuff still remains, along with Jim. Jim, having given up all pretensions of humanity, simply hangs there like a scarecrow with a rictus grin painted upon its face. Dwight thanks everyone for helping him make it to retirement, then says he’s heading home to spend the rest of the day with his wife. As he slowly walks out the door, he drags Jim’s inconsequential frame behind him. “Hey, not to spoil the moment,” adds a coworker as soon as Dwight is out the door, “but what’s the deal with the floppy guy? Nobody ever mentioned it, so I thought it was awkward to bring it up.” There’s a slight murmur of conversation across the office. Everyone admits that they, too, have no idea what the deal is. One man says he assumed it was a “Basket Case” situation and he didn’t want to mention it. They all look towards the only employee in the office who’s been around as long as Dwight - Oscar. “How the hell should I know? I thought we sold paper here,” Oscar says with obvious irritation in his voice. “I thought we sold goddamn paper.”
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Mar 31, 2024 13:55
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jim steals dwight's easter egg and fucks it into pieces
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Mar 31, 2024 14:13
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim de-chlorinates Dwight's pool, transforming it into a giant petri dish of slime and bacteria Jim then super-chlorinates Dwight's pool causing Dwight to lose all hair and all pigmentation leaving him as white as a sheet of paper. It remains unclear whether this is a prank on Dwight because Dwight complained about his pool at work, because Dwight mentioned in passing that he enjoyed Dune 2 or because Dwight beat his own paper sales record last week.
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Mar 31, 2024 14:16
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Jim eats so many beans that beans go extinct. Dwight is unable to bring his famous three-bean salad to Easter brunch.
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Mar 31, 2024 21:57
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"Pam, could you photocopy these for me, please?" asks Dwight. Jim stand up from his desk and walks deliberately over to Dwight. "Jim, what—" Dwight's question is abruptly cut off by Jim slapping Dwight hard across Dwight's face. "You keep my wife's name out your loving mouth!" shouts Jim. Dwight, completely startled, doesn't know how to react. Everyone in the office is stunned. This prank takes place in the first season of The Office and Jim is not yet even married to Pam (who is still dating Roy). 17 years later Dwight is watching the Oscars and suddenly gets thrown into a debilitating PTSD flashback. Jim (who is attending the Oscars because he was nominated for "best supporting prankster" for his work on John Krasinski's I.F.) mugs at the camera from his seat in the front row.
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Apr 1, 2024 02:26
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Jim eats so many bees that bees go extinct. Dwight is unable to grow anything on his farm without pollinators and is unable to bring any food to Easter brunch. No crops grow anywhere in the world and humanity dies out.
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Apr 1, 2024 04:07
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Jim eats so many beads that beads go extinct. Dwight is unable to finish making his pukka shell necklace and therefore cannot infiltrate a ring of surfers he suspects are robbing banks.
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Apr 1, 2024 04:09
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Jim eats so many bears that bears go extinct. Dwight is unable to bring his famous three-bear salad to Easter brunch.
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Apr 1, 2024 04:12
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Jim eats so many battlestar galacticas that battlestar galacticas go extinct. Dwight is unable to bring his famous ambrosia drink to Easter dinner.
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Apr 1, 2024 04:36
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Jim eats one of his magic beans to travel back in time and invent ambrosia salad. Dwight, at some point in his life, has to eat the disgusting pile of marshmallows and fruit, and thus becomes pranked.
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Apr 1, 2024 04:56
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Dwight (who secretly developed the exploitative cell phone game “Candy Ninja”) pulls out all the stops for April 1, which he knows is the apex of Jim’s powers. He adjusts the ratio of Candy Ninja’s in-game currency so that the ratio of Shrute Bucks to Stanley Nickels has never been higher. Jim spends the entire day grinding Stanley Nickels and converting them into the treasured Shrute Bucks. He never gets out of bed the entire day (to be fair, he spends the day in Dwight’s bed, which he uses as a toilet the entire time).
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Apr 1, 2024 10:29
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Jim wakes up, rolls out of his racecar bed, and kneels at the alter in his closet. While bowing his head in prayer, he ritually lights a candle (it's a birthday candle that reignites after being blown out) and leaves a coin on top of his Buddha statue (the coin is a magicians coin that has two heads). Today is April 1st, the most sacred of days.
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Apr 1, 2024 11:34
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jim uses the extraordinary April 1st powers granted to him under the Prankster's Charter to forcibly repossess dwight's piss
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Apr 1, 2024 11:42
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Jim becomes the first man to kiss April O'Neil, the plucky reporter who befriends the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because April was a childhood crush of Dwight's, Dwight is left seething.
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Apr 1, 2024 12:48
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For April Fools Day, Jim switches the American version of The Office with the British one. Dwight is momentarily confused because it’s Monday morning but quickly realizes what’s going on and goes about his day.
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Apr 1, 2024 13:07
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Jim is in a festive mood and begins to sing the holy song of pranksters: "[...] On the twelfth day of Prankmas, my true friend gave to me: Twelve horns a-honking, Eleven mirrors mirroring, Ten lasers lasing, Nine doors that won't close, Eight mice a-running, Seven screens a-flickering, Six spoons of sugar-free, Five rubber chickens! Four jumping snakes, three fake calls, two fake bugs, and a whoopee cushion placed so sneakily. [...]" Dwight begins to sweat.
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Apr 1, 2024 13:24
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Dwight’s April 1 anti-prank preparations have taken on a frenetic edge this year, as Jim’s pranks have escalated to bizarre, dangerous levels. Dwight cuts the brake line under Jim’s race car bed (to no noticeable effect), hides all of Jim’s clothes (Jim simply shows up nude in red sneakers), and walks around all day with a tiger mask on the back of his head (to make Jim think that Tigger might attack him). It appears to be working until lunch time, when Jim (his already lanky frame further ravaged by weeks on Dwight’s anti-prank cruelties) passes out and needs to be taken to the hospital. The ambulance driver, as he carts the unnaturally light stretcher outside, shakes his head at Dwight. “You really ought to take a look in the mirror, buddy. You’ve been bullying this poor, diseased young man for months. And just because he’s different?” Just then, Jim’s vital signs fail and he dies. The ambulance driver shakes his head and zips up the body bag. Dwight feels terrible and he makes another entry in his Jim Death Log. Meanwhile, in the ambulance, the driver removes his cap to reveal a head full of floppy hair and then his mask, revealing a smirk that can’t stop looking at the camera. “My powers can’t be stopped today.”
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Apr 1, 2024 13:54
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Jim wakes up on April 1st with a massive smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He rolls over and sees Chips sleeping soundly in his monkey-sized race car bed. It's gonna be a good day, Jim thinks. It's gonna be the BEST day. Jim arrives in the office early and begins his preparations. Dwight's stapler is placed into gelatin, his chair has multiple fart machines installed in it, and a piece of tape is placed over Dwight's optical mouse. "Oh boy," Jim chuckles, "it feels good to be a prankster." Jim then kicks it into overdrive. He empties an ant farm into Dwight's desk drawers, then replaces Dwight's computer screen with an empty case packed with fireworks. He heads into the breakroom and hides a confetti cannon in the refrigerator and puts rotten eggs in all the air vents. He doesn't even realize it, but he's practically dancing around the office as he does so. Jim then sits down at his own desk, a huge smile plastered on his skeletal face, and waits for Dwight to arrive. "Goddamn does it feel good to be a prankster. My God, I'm practically buzzing with excitement!" A few moments later Dwight does indeed walk in the front door of the office. He freezes as his foot touches the carpet, which Jim has covered with superglue. Dwight struggles for a moment, then tears his shoe free. Jim giggles. Dwight takes another step, at which point a bucket full of water drops from the ceiling on his head. Jim starts loudly guffawing at this point, slapping his knee and wiping tears from his eyes. Dwight takes one more step, only to have an air cannon launch talcum powder into his face and crotch. Jim falls to the floor and starts rolling around and laughing, pinwheeling his arms and legs like a child. 45 minutes later, Dwight finally makes it to his desk. His clothes hang in tatters around him, he's bruised and broken, and he's coated with everything from talcum powder to rotten eggs to ice cream. He sits down and activates the 11 fart machines Jim has placed on his chair. "OH GOD, PLEASE," Jim screams between bursts of laughter, "PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DIDN'T KNOW IT'D BE THIS FUNNY! PLEASE STOP!" Dwight opens his drawer and frowns as he finds his stapler in gelatin. He sighs and reaches for his mouse. He wiggles it and nothing happens. "Oh my God, please, my heart," Jim rasps out between massive bursts of laughter, "my heart can't take it anymore. Please, Dwight, stop getting pranked! PLEASE GOD PLEASE STOP!" Jim clutches his chest and starts gagging, but he's still laughing, too. Dwight reaches to help him, only to have his monitor launch fireworks directly into his face. Jim lets out a final burst of laughter and grabs his chest, his face locked into the biggest grin he's ever had. HIs lips crack at the edges and his eyes roll in their sockets as his arms limply fall to his sides. Something rattles inside of Jim before as it leaves his mortal form behind for good. Dwight trips over a hidden wire that Jim installed earlier, then lands with his face directly in Jim's crotch. Deep in Hell, Jim lets out yet another burst of laughter as he sees Dwight fall into this awkward position. "Oh my God," Jim says as his soul begins to be torn apart, "I can't believe that worked perfectly. Holy poo poo am I a lucky guy." Something wet and massive squirms its way next to Jim's ephemeral form, grabs hold of it, and begins to consume it. Back in Scranton, Dwight picks himself up off the floor and reaches for his cell phone. When he touches it, however, it sprouts tiny mechanical legs and runs away. Dwight then grabs for his desk phone, only to realize it's made out of marshmallow. Dwight screams for help and asks someone to call an ambulance, but the rest of the office is locked outside thanks to Jim barricading all the doors.
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Apr 1, 2024 14:22
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As the first day of Fourmonth rolls on, the children of Scranton-upon-the-Hill continue to hide in their bedrooms, as has been tradition for centuries. In the outskirts of the town, however, lies the massive Schrood Farms. There, logic and reason cast a bright light against the darkness of superstition and fear that has fallen across the world. In the beet fields, young D'Wi carefully observes the crops, as per his father's orders. D'Wi shoos away a stray Jim-bird that has perched itself upon a signpost. "Damned thing," D'Wi curses as he swings a broom at the ghoulish creature, "fly back to your nest!" There have been more Jim-birds lately, D'Wi notices. He wonders if there's a nest somewhere and shudders, the mental image of a nest full of cawing, featherless Jim-bird chicks filling his mind. D'Wi brushes away this disturbing thought and decides to head back inside, content with the quality of the beets. As D'Wi approaches the front porch he sees a horse drawn carriage sitting there, drawn by thirteen black horses. One of the horses turns its head toward D'Wi and D'Wi recoils as he notices it has orange eyes, as if some great fire is burning inside its skull. The horses whinny, almost mockingly, and D'Wi wonders if they're perhaps been tainted by Halpert Blood, just like the Jim-birds that infest the forests of Scranton. D'Wi feels some bile rise in his throat and quickly composes himself, then heads to the front door. As he reaches out the door opens in his face and he's knocked to the ground in shock. Stepping out of the front door is the floppiest man D'Wi has ever seen. Dressed in the fancy garb of a nobleman, the skeletal man steps onto the simple wooden porch. He turns his eyes towards D'Wi and frowns. "Boy. Stand up, you look a fool lying down like that. Up!" D'Wi is frozen to the ground, drowning in a mix of embarrassment and horror. The floppy man before him is inhumanly thin, his elegant shirt and pants hanging on him like sheets. The man lifts one gloved hand and brushes back a flop of hair from his face, his cold and dead eyes staring directly into D'Wi's soul. "Are you feeble, boy? Deaf? Dumb? Another dumb beet farmer, another headache that I do not deserve. God pound it all, what did I ever do to deserve so many foolish beet farmers living on my lands?" Still frozen, D'Wi sits there as his father blessedly steps out onto the porch. "Tally-man, I believe our business is done here, yes? My son has been working in the fields all day, he's exhausted. I'll walk you out to your carriage." "Feh," spits the floppy Tally-man as he turns up his nose. "Yes, I do believe it's time to be away from this filthy place. Just a moment, though. What's the boy's name?" D'Wi's father is about to speak but the Tally-man cuts him off with an upturned finger. This fills D'Wi with a dread he can't even fully comprehend, as he's never seen his father like this. He can tell something is wrong, incredibly so, but he's not sure what it is. "The boy can tell me his name," replies the Tally-man with a wicked grin. D'Wi stands up on shaky legs and dusts himself off. He tries to match eyes with the Tally-man but can't, there's something wicked and cruel and insane in those eyes. Instead, D'Wi trains his eyes on the ground. "I'm D'Wi, sir. D'Wi Schrood." "D'Wi Schrood," replies the Tally-man in a cold voice. D'Wi can tell something has changed in his voice, though. Is there fear? Yes, D'Wi thinks, there is. Real fear. "What a name. W-where did you come up with that one, beet farmer?" D'Wi's father seems to have sensed the change, too, as he puffs up his chest a bit as he explains the origin of D'Wi's name. There was an ancient hero, centuries ago, who went by that name (at least, that's what the legends say).The D'Wi of old battled monsters and completed thousands of labors, eventually finding eternal peace after his ultimate foe fell in battle against him. D'Wi was then welcomed into the palace of the Gods. "Of course," adds D'Wi's father with a smile, "that's just a story, right?" The Tally-man spits on the ground and storms off, muttering under his breath. He leaps onto his carriage, grabs the reins of his horses, and cracks them violently. The horses stomp about for a moment and let out a frankly monstrous series of whinnies, then begin to pull the carriage away from the farm. D'Wi leans close to his father as the carriage storms over the horizon, the stomping of hooves sounding like thunderclaps. D'Wi's father puts a comforting hand on his son's shoulder. "Stay away from that one, D'Wi. If you see him sneaking about the outskirts of the farm pay him no mind, simply come to the house and warn me, alright? He wants the farm, boy, but we aren't going to give it up, will we?" D'Wi's father smiles warmly at him and D'Wi can't help but return that confident smile. "Why does he want the farm, father? It can't be worth much to him, that carriage seems like it was worth more than our house!" "He's a lunatic, son. Utterly, completely insane. He's rich, too, but just in money. There's something here, perhaps deep under the ground or hidden in some secret part of the house, that means more to him than any pile of silver or gold. Keep your eyes peeled, son, I fear our encounters with this one aren't over yet." Thousands of years prior, Jim sneaks into Schrute Farms and finds that Dwight and Angela aren't home. "Jeez, well, I guess I may as well make myself at home. I drove all the way out here just to prank Dwight, it'd be a shame to just leave." Jim reaches into his backpack and pulls out a well-worn DVD copy of Mars Needs Moms. Although he originally planned to tie Dwight to his bed and drop leeches on his face, this is a pretty good way to spend a night, too. Jim snuggles under a quilt and watches the movie, unblinking, with a dull grin on his face. Every so often his breathing gets heavier or he lets out a small giggle. As the movie finishes up, however, he sees headlights shining through the window. "Oh, poo poo! Dwight's home!" Jim turns off the TV and DVD player and rushes outside, completely forgetting about his Mars Needs Moms DVD. It sits in the player for a few days until Dwight, planning to watch his box set of Battlestar Galactica, finds the disc sitting there. He's unsure where the disc came from but decides to place it on his bookshelf for safe keeping.
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Apr 1, 2024 17:05
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Archaeologists open a previously unmapped tomb buried deep below the sphinx. Inside they find a space that had been preserved for ventures, filled with jewels, clay jars full of honey, and a brilliantly entact mummified chimpanzee. Unfortunately for the lead archaeologist, he stepped on a hidden switch and received a blow dart to the neck that delivers a lethal dose of an unknown venom ("I'm feeling kind of... funny" he says just before keeling over, a subtle smirk across his face). The remaining unpaid interns begin cataloging the treasures and taking pictures of the heiroglyphs scratched into the stone, many of them never seen before in modern times. A dull red pair of sandals, a bowl of hummus spilled on a temple floor, and what appears to be a village idiot wearing yellow robes, his papyrus scroll surrounded by crocodiles.
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Apr 1, 2024 19:18
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a series of hastily etched hieroglyphics seem to indicate a ritual in which a man and woman place a scribe’s tool into a porridge made of cow hooves and sugar before consummating their marriage upon it
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Apr 1, 2024 19:22
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Meredith calls Dwight over to her desk and pulls out her phone. "Dwight, I think some rear end in a top hat online stole your photo. Look at this poo poo. It's really mean, though, just so you know." Meredith then pulls up TikTok and goes to a channel known as The Glow Up Guy, which posts nothing but videos where he photoshops photos of people to "give them a glow up". Meredith then clicks on the newest video, at which point a photo of Dwight appears. "Hey, boo," starts a heavily modulated voice that is still very obviously Jim, "you asked for a painfully truthful analysis and here we go. First of all, your forehead is huge, amigo. I've heard of a fivehead, but this is more like a 7 or 8 head. So I'd apply some contour to your forehead to make it appear smaller. I'd also grow your hair out a bit and go blonde, it's a much nicer color. Lose the glasses and get contacts, but I'd use some eyeliner to really highlight the color of your eyes. Next, let's use some contour to thin your big fat chipmunk cheeks a bit, then add some color to give you a healthy glow. I also suggest you see a surgeon to get rid of your hideous acne scars, those pockmarks really distract from everything else. I'd also get some concealer for those awful, awful pores and coat your entire face with it. With that bigass face it'll probably take a tub of the stuff but it's worth it. Then, I'd use some contour to turn those grossly thin liver lips into something approaching human lips. Finally, I'd get veneers for those gross-rear end yellow teeth. Okay, what do you think of this?" With that, a star wipe moves over the photo of Dwight and reveals a photoshopped version of the picture, revealing all of the "improvements" done over the course of the video. The photo looks exactly like Pam, except with Dwight's eyes. "Jesus, Dwight, do you want me to report the video? I mean, do you want me to call the cops?" Meredith asks, with real concern in her voice. Dwight looks over at Jim, who is utterly oblivious to any of this. In fact, Jim knows Dwight doesn't use social media of any type, except for the message board where he discusses Battlestar Galactica and beet farming. He would have never seen this. This video was, apparently, just for Jim's personal enjoyment. Dwight swallows, his mouth suddenly very dry. He tells Meredith that it's okay, just forget about it. As Dwight sits back at his chair he notices Jim peering at him with something like animalistic hunger twinkling in his eyes. "Hey, Balloon Boy. Weather's getting nice outside, right? Almost time to bust out the shorts, huh?" Jim mugs for the camera. A Fancy Hat fucked around with this message at 19:33 on Apr 1, 2024 |
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Apr 1, 2024 19:30
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Ea-Jimir sells Dwanni some copper of poor quality.
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Apr 1, 2024 19:37
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Dwight inhales deeply from his mug of beetroot coffee and tightens his robe. Standing on his porch, he watches as the rising sun bathes his fields in a golden blanket of light. Dwight breathes in the crisp spring air, completely at peace, as he meditates on his goals for the day. Jim wakes up on the futon. He sits up and his left sock squishes - something wet soaked into the shag carpet. No matter, Jim thinks to himself. He stumbles to the kitchen and pours some captain crunch into the cleanest tupperware bowl he can find in the sink, and sits down to ponder over the maze on the back of the cereal box. He wonders if his dumb rear end coworker ever figured out that his coffee was spiked with ketamine.
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Apr 1, 2024 20:26
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Jim pays Meredith to seduce Dwight, but jokes on Jim, she was going to do that anyway. She gets drunk and accidentally seduces Jim because she can't remember which one is which
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Apr 1, 2024 20:28
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Jim pays the local scorpion farm to dump 10,000 pounds of live scorpions through Dwight's bedroom window.
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Apr 1, 2024 22:07
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim pays the local scorpion farm to dump 10,000 pounds of live scorpions through Dwight's bedroom window. However all the scorpions drown after the same company hires 10000 frogs to carry them across the river between the scorpion farm and Dwight's house
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Apr 1, 2024 22:19
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Jim pays the local beet farm to dump 10,000 pounds of beets through Dwight's bedroom window. Unfortunately for Jim, the local beet farm is Schrute Farms. Angela questions whether Jim knows what Dwight actually does outside of the office and Dwight sadly says that he probably doesn’t any more. Dwight still dumps the beets into his bedroom window as per the contract.
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Apr 1, 2024 22:33
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Jim breaks into the Schrute family mausoleum where the Schrute Code of Honor is engraved on the wall. Taking a hammer and chisel, Jim makes a little "addition" to the Code: "On April 1st, every honorable Schrute must wear a clown nose to work and poop his pants while doing the chicken dance." Dwight arrives at work on April 1st wearing a clown nose. "Dwight, you don't have to do this!" Angela pleads. "No, Angela, I do," says Dwight, tears shining in his eyes. "The Code demands it." Angela closes her eyes and looks away. Dwight, keeping eye-contact with Jim the entire time, begins to do the chicken dance...
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Apr 2, 2024 03:05
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Jim is so distraught over April Fools Day being over that he spends April 2nd in bed, depressed beyond all measure. Dwight pranks himself out of boredom.
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Apr 2, 2024 11:44
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Jim opens a retro video rental store but all of the shelves are completely bare. Dwight, who was hoping for a fun date night with Angela, asks Jim where all the videos are. "Oh," Jim says with surprise on his face, "you gotta go behind the beaded curtain over there. You know... the adult section. A heh heh heh heh." Dwight cautiously walks through the glittering golden beads and finds a tiny room that looks more like a converted closet. There's a single shelf in here, but only one movie: Dorf on Golf. As Dwight stares at the sun-faded VHS cover with an odd sadness welling inside of him, Jim yells at him from outside. "I got the other Dorf movies on backorder! Come back next week for Dorf Da Bingo King. You know, the 2001 film in which Tim Conway continues to act as Dorf." Dwight lets out a hearty sigh and says that's okay, he probably won't be back. Dwight walks back outside and feels a deep depression creeping into his soul, although he can't entirely understand why. In a talking head segment Jim reveals that the entire store was designed to be as depressing as possible, from the lighting to the carpet to the movie selection.
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Apr 2, 2024 13:16
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| # ? May 15, 2024 08:29 |
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In the year 20XX, robots developed to assist mankind are commonplace thanks to the efforts of renowned robot designer Dr. Scott. However, one day, these robots go out of control and start attacking humans, among them six advanced humanoid robots created by Dr. Scott for paper selling purposes. Known as the "Dunder Mifflinoids", they consist of Chili Man, Temp Man, "Art" Woman, Numbers Man, Old Man, and Diabetes Man. Dr. Scott realizes that the culprit responsible for these attacks is his old rival Dr. Halpert, but is unsure of what to do. His assistant robot, Dwight, having a strong sense of justice, offers to be converted into a fighting robot to stop Dr. Halpert's plans, dubbing himself Dwight Man. In time, he defeats the six Dunder Mifflinoids and recovers their central cores, then confronts Dr. Halpert within his suburb-based robot factory, where he is manufacturing copies of Scott's robots. After defeating replicas of the Dunder Mifflinoids, as well as several "Prankoids" designed specifically by Halpert to defeat him, Dwight Man confronts Halpert in a final showdown and defeats him before returning home to his family. The initial Western release of the game, while keeping the same basic plot, significantly changed some details from the original Japanese manual. In this version, Dr. Scott and Dr. Halpert (who is portrayed as Dr. Scott's former employee) co-create the humanoid robot Dwight Man alongside the six Dunder Mifflinoids, each of whom were designed for the benefit of Scranton's citizens (no such place existed in the original plot). Dr. Halpert, angered by Scott taking credit for their work and desiring to use his creations for criminal purposes, steals the Dunder Mifflinoids and reprograms them, then creates his own army of robots to seize control of Scranton and declare it his own personal empire. Dr. Scott, horrified by Halpert's betrayal, sends Dwight Man to destroy the Dunder Mifflinoids and free Scranton from Halpert's machines.
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Apr 2, 2024 15:05
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