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Jim walks up to Pam's desk and rummages through her purse, pulling out all sorts of embarrassing items in front of everyone while muttering how useless they are. He stops when he finds a series of drawings featuring anime characters folded up and laughs. "Dumb cartoon stuff. Can't make money on anything else so you're downgrading to drawing Japanese cartoon girls?" Pam shudders a bit, and carefully refills her purse. "No, Jim, I swear, I'd never draw them. They're Dwight's..." Jim's smile transforms, somehow. It remains, but it's too frozen, now. Something he rehearsed in a mirror to look natural, even though it isn't. "Why would you have Dwight's drawings in YOUR purse?" Jim doesn't raise his voice, he knows he doesn't need to, but there's a fog he can't peer through. He grabs the pill bottle that Pam had been trying to put away and reads an unfamiliar drug name. He leaves himself a mental time note to look more deeply into this later. A threat to his power is one thing, but Dwight's activities are something else entirely. Pam goes on to explain that Dwight's been working on a personal art project and he valued her thoughts as a artist, herself. Jim's persistent, penetrating glare is finally enough to extract more complete information. Pam feels the inside of her brain start to itch and she doesn't need to say another word, she merely needs to remember. The moment passes, and the itchy feeling in her brain gives way to a rush that feels like a splash of hot water running followed by a needle made out of ice. Jim peers around the room at his fellow coworkers, all but Dwight. He says three words: "Anime fan art." He basks for a few minutes, ignoring Dwight's suggestion that he stop milking the clock and get back to work... Jim completes his search, glances at Shrute through the corner of his eye. He thanks no one, and marches to his computer. Deep inside, everyone in the office feels ashamed at what they've become a party to. Dwight, the one man Jim can't read, feels a greater shame. Due to Jim's inability to read into his very soul, Dwight saw himself as the only person who could counter any trick Jim might play. Dwight was the x-factor that could forever throw a wrench in whatever evil plans Jim might be plotting. Ironically, Dwight's position as a rival that must be completely broken expanded Jim's abilities. Rather than struggling with limitations, weakness, he sought to craft himself a new superpower. If he could not pierce into Dwight's mind through his 'traditional' means, Jim decided he must expand his understanding of human psychology. Harvesting the knowledge of con men, psychologists, mathematicians, sociologists. Anyone who's research could help him read the behavior and thoughts of an man who was beyond his understanding. This lead to a vicious circle of Dwight also strengthening his own study of human behavior and psychology in an attempt to better defend against Jim's alternative attacks. Dwight could have simply been an occasional diversion like everyone else, easily broken and simply there for amusement. Now he was so much more. He was more than a game, for the first time Jim felt the thrill of a challenge! Before they left the office that night, Jim smirked at Dwight. Dwight refused to be intimidated. "I know what you're going to do with those drawings, Jim. Nothing else has worked, and this won't work, either. This can't go on forever." "I don't know what you're talking about, Dwight." "No, you know exactly what I'm talking about," Dwight taunted. "It's what I'm THINKING that's the problem for you, isn't it?" Jim's smirk cracked, and for a second Dwight felt like could read the monster's mind. "Yes, Jim... Why don't you just kill me? That's what YOU'RE thinking, isn't it? Just kill Schrute and the only threat your existence is gone." "Dwight. Dwight, buddy." Jim cooed, imitating human sincerity. "I'd never kill you. How can you think that. We're more than friends, we're coworkers. We have a shared clarity, goal, and purpose. That's greater than friendship, isn't it? I mean, I'd feel just really horrible if I did something like that to you, or anyone. But, you know, if the stress of life just gets to you. If you just so happened to take your own life someday... Well, my clean hands and clean conscience would respect your choice." Dwight watched a security guard pull Jim's car around, assuring the salesman that he'd filled the tank and the thermostat was exactly at 72-degrees. Jim thanked the good man and drove off. There'd be much mundane, tedious work tonight in prepping his prank on Dwight, Jim thought, assured of himself. He'd have to wait until his weekend downtime before following up with that pesky prescription Pam partook of, which he hadn't forgotten about. But just as Dwight had questioned why Jim just didn't kill him, Jim himself wondered what it was about Dwight's morality that prevented him from killing him, instead? Ah, but if he could just get the slightest glimpse into that man's mind... The mystery was invigorating, but at the same time unsettling. When Jim's car was out of sight, Dwight felt for the pair of dice in his coat pocket. The random choices that the dice had given him had been up until recently been his most useful tool in his war with Jim, but he'd become aware some time ago that Jim had replaced them with a loaded pair to better anticipate Dwight's actions. Still, Dwight found himself continuing to trust the roll of the dice, for no other reason that to stoke Jim's ego and build up a false confidence. Dwight considered the odds, he felt he could similarly predict Jim's pranks, but he'd have to suffer and survive them for a while more. The longer Jim focused on him, the safer the rest of the world was. Besides, he rationalized that he'd already secretly developed a personalized set of a dozen different cognitive combat plans that Jim could have no idea even existed, and left bread crumbs to a few counterfeit ones for Jim to discover and exploit, himself, just as Dwight had allowed him to do with the dice. Granting Jim the illusion of control in order to give himself some semblance of it. Despite his sheer hatred of Jim, Dwight felt himself intrigued at plot the monster was hatching that involved his fan art project. He had already forecast the most likely scenarios and prepared to suffer a temporary 'humiliating defeat' in exchange for a victory in the long run. No matter how well he planned, Dwight was grateful that the moments of fearful suspicion in his mind were invisible to Jim. What if his actions were in reality only some illusion on control granted by Jim, that he was merely playing his part in a script for an even more elaborate scheme he couldn't fathom? He wondered if right now Jim lingering in the shadows, somewhere, smirking.
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Jan 24, 2022 09:43
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 11:37 |
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Dwight makes it into work Friday morning, his right hand wrapped in a cast that he's keeping covered with a coat to avoid talking about it. The first half of his morning goes smoothly, few noticing his efficiency dropping below the norm until Jim notices Dwight hiding his injury. Drawing attention to it, the rest of the office finally take notice and inquire as to what happened... Dwight thinks to himself, mentally recounting his late evening drive the night before. His eyes spotted mid-2000s Honda Civic involved in an accident, now slowly catching fire, with a woman trapped inside screamed for help. He didn't have time to think, but to merely act. The "Jaws of Dwight" he'd been working on was still just a prototype, he wasn't ready for field tests, but he'd luckily had it on the floorboard of the passenger seat. Springing to action he saw the flames spreading to the cabin of the woman's car, and he deployed the JoD, ripping the door apart like tissue paper as he felt the recoil shatter his wrist and thumb. drat IT, he knew it wasn't ready, but that wasn't the problem now... No matter, he thought, slicing apart her seat belt with the Rambo-knife he kept at his ankle... Either he'd save her life, or he'd die a warrior's death. The adrenaline surge hit him, and the pain in his arm vanished for a moment as he pulled her away from the car as burst of flames emerged from the back seat... "Accident with a tool..." Dwight quietly responded. "Doctors say I'll be back to my normal 130% efficiency by the end of next month, but until then I'll be operating at everyone else's level." ""Tool' Accident, huh? Man, Dwight, that sucks. So, how you gonna beat off without the use of that hand?" Jim asks, innocently enough. "Excuse me?!" "Are you gonna have to get one of those beat off machines? Or do you already have one?" "What?" "Oh, so that's not the hand you use to beat off, then, right?" "I do not... No, I don't..." Jim then pulls out his own Rambo knife from his coat pocket and stabs Dwight's left hand, staking it to his desk. "So, now that you can't beat off with either hand, do you need to get one of those beat off machines?" "H-help... me..." Dwight winces in pain, as the rest of his coworkers run off screaming from the pooling blood. "Help you? Help you beat off?! That's sick, Dwight, and totally unprofessional to ask that kind of thing from a coworker!" While Dwight whimpers, unable to free himself, Jim leans up close and whispers... "Beat off, get it? Beet." Jim mugs at the camera. JediTalentAgent fucked around with this message at 09:17 on Jan 26, 2022 |
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Jan 26, 2022 09:15
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Dwight arrives at work and a familiar shiver runs up his spine. Moving to his workplace, he finds a small paperback book laying on his desk. Old and dog-eared. What is thi--- "'Schrute Your Own Adventures' presents "Escape the Dwightmare." Dwight looks over at Jim, pretending to be preoccupied with a customer on his phone. Dwight's curiosity is about to get the better of him, but he resists. He glances over at Pam and again at Jim. Looking down once more at the intricately painted cover of a screaming Dwight-like man being mentally attacked by an astral Jim figure in the position of an overlord, he glances back at Pam. Looking back and forth between Pam and the book's cover a few times, he sighs to himself. The man has a wife who would have painted this for free and he probably gave Alex Ross $30k to do this. Still, it's a nice cover. A commissioned Ross of him is actually a little co--- NO! In a fit of rage, Dwight finally hurls the book at Jim's head. Jim starts cussing and swearing up a storm about how he was just on the phone with a customer, who was going to buy a lot of paper, so much paper, but now they've hung up. "Why would Dwight do that?! He cost us a major sale and hit me with a book that clearly has his name all over it!" "Do you think I'm stupid, Jim!?" Jim says nothing. "You seriously don't..." Dwight opens his desk drawer and starts unwrapping a package sealed with warning tape and slams an ornate board game box onto the table. "Remember 'Jimanji', Jim? Remember how you and Pam over there did an unholy union of tantric AND chaos magicks just so you could trap me in a board game where I did nothing but get pranked for 30 years before I was able to reset things and get home?!" "I think you got other stuff, too. But if I made that 'Jee-maaanj-jyi' game, I'd like to think I would have been more creative than just 'pranks'. Like I would have put stuff in like lions and the robots with STDs. Those wouldn't be pranks, those might be deadly. Not that I'd do anything like that." "JIMANJI!" Dwight shouts, correcting Jim. "The point is-!" "If you're here complaining about it, then you must have gotten out, so I don't see the problem..." "THE POINT IS, JIM, that you already pulled this prank!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Are you telling me that if I would have read that book, that's just oozing with your chaos magick seed, by the way, I can tell..." Dwight wiped his hands on his shirt. "You're saying I wouldn't have ended up in nothing but a Choose Your Own Adventure fantasy world where I'd end up dying and dying and dying, over and over again, until I found the correct exit?" "No, you'd only die once," Jim nervously shifted his eyes. "If you failed, I mean. I'm assuming, that's how those books work, right? I mean, I'm a grown man, I don't read something that looks like 3rd-6th grade school book sale literature."
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Feb 5, 2022 09:46
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Jim does a hard u-turn in traffic when he spots Dwight's car in a Goodwill parking lot and can't resist seeing what Schrute's up to. Buying used clothes, no doubt. Eagerly dashing to the front door, he's debating should he make a silent approach or go in loud. The sight of Dwight wearing a Goodwill T-shirt summons a hearty guffaw from Jim, making his decision for him! "Oh, Dwight, look at you! I had no idea things had gotten so bad that you're reduced to buying hand-me-down Goodwill uniforms!" "Yes, I DID buy a Goodwill uniform shirt, but that's because I'm volunteering my time at this store so it can stay open during the pandemic so that that the less fortunate of our region can have the opportunity to buy gently-used clothing and other merchandise, giving these items a second-chance and keeping them out of landfills." "You're..." Jim looks around the store at the customers who couldn't help but notice his entrance. "You're selling garbage?" "No, this isn't garbage. These are gently-used donations from the community that still--" "NO! What goes in a landfill, DWIGHT!? What goes in a landfill!?" Dwight hesitates to answer, finally admitting, "Garbage." "You hear that, everyone!? This store is nothing but a bunch of thieves and conmen! It's all a big scam! They're not paying for any of the stuff you're buying, and after you buy it, where is the stuff going?! It's not going to END UP in YOUR home! YOUR home is just temporary storage until YOU throw it into the landfill, and you're paying these crooks for the privilege! This store is robbing you blind!" Before long, Jim has worked the crowd into a riot, stoking their vandalism and looting of the store. An hour later, as Dwight sits on a curb across the street wrapped in a fireman's blanket, watching the Goodwill smoldering, he sees Jim drive up to the remains of the donation drop off center to drop off dozens of smashed vintage Sony Trinitrons, leaking car batteries, jugs of used antifreeze, and boxes of broken novelty coffee mugs. "Just doing my part to keep this out of the landfill, Dwight!" Jim waves, mugging to the camera.
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Mar 4, 2022 09:21
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Dwight finds himself selling his soul to a succubus, but he's 100% confirmed that it's not Jim, so at least he feels his eternal torment will be free of that horror and maybe a little erotic. After the ritual, the succubus reveals she's actually in service to a powerful demon called a 'Jimcubus' and he's demanding Dwight's soul as tribute. Sorry. Jimcubus mugs for the scrying pool.
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Mar 7, 2022 07:10
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Jim hits Dwight with a truck. At his trial, Jim swears that Dwight isn't actually dead, he's been reincarnated into an isekai, what you would call 'another world', where he'll only be allowed to return to Earth once he kills the demon king! Despite the evidence that supports the claim, Jim is found guilty and is sentenced to 100 years in prison with no possibility of parole. Jim feigns shock at the news, continuing to claim that Schrute lives on, laughing as he's taken out of the courtroom. Pam weeps. In the enchanted world of Etaria, Dwight and his harem of five warrior maiden waifus finally emerge into the throne room of the demon king, prepared to do righteous battle so he might return home to continue his life as a simple beet farmer and paper salesman, only to find a note sitting on the seat. Dwight reads it silently and bitterly realizes his foe is in the one place he cannot reach... A giant portrait of Demon King Jim mugs at them through the oil paint.
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Mar 9, 2022 10:35
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In 2006, Jim uncovers an article Dwight wrote back in college that celebrated paper as the greatest of mankind creations. He mentions fire, too, but insists that since that was stolen from the Gods it shouldn't be considered something invented by mankind. Jim, furious at Dwight's stupidity, flips a coin: Heads: He'll burn the whole world. All of it. Nuclear fire, chemical fire, forest fires, oil fires, even rock will become magma when he is done. He'll create a fire so god-damned huge that not only the Gods, but Dwight as well, will be forced to admit the superiority of fire over paper and mankind's greatest invention will be an artificial star revolving around the Sun... Tails: He will see to it a technology comes to dominate and replace paper... In 2022, Jim is secretly the richest man on the planet, having covertly acquired all the rights to the screens used in phones and tablets. He then took that and aggressively used his skills to invest in any and everything he could, killing the paper industry in the process. His family lives like paupers from his facade of a job at a paper company, but he doesn't care. He looks around at a near-empty Dunder-Mifflin offices to see Dwight finally clearing out his desk, paper having failed him. Jim smiles to himself, thinking back to that coin toss some 16 years earlier... "Heading out for the last time, Dwight?" Jim smiles at his departing foe, right on schedule. "Huh? Yeah..." Dwight barely registers Jim, lost in his own thoughts, as he walks out of the building. As if right on cue, he exits to see the flash of light on the horizon. Then another. And Another. Dwight knows he cannot run, nowhere is safe, but he still instinctively tries to rush back into the offices to warn the few remaining staff, but his ID badge is no longer authorized to unlock the door. Falling to his knees, resting his gigantic forehead on the cool glass, he feels the reflective heat bouncing back upon his face. Inside, Jim looks at his two-headed coin one last time, mugging to the end of the world.
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Mar 17, 2022 06:27
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Jim rushes into the office late on Friday, waving around a bunch of papers. He'd just bought the rights to produce an Elton John biopic and bragging about how this is the best thing ever! The entire office sheepishly look at one another. Jim gets frustrated. "The ONE time I get something good in life and none of you can support me!? This is big!" "Jim, I don't know how to tell you this..." Dwight shakes his head and takes a deep breath. Putting his hand on Jim's shoulder, he does his best to support him for the moment he gives him the terrible blow. "Someone already made a biopic on Elton John. It was called Rocketman and came out a few years ag---" Jim punches Dwight as hard as he can in the mouth, knocking a few teeth out of his head. As Dwight begins to pass out from the sudden blood loss and jarring sensation of his brain bouncing around his skull, his vision spinning, he faintly hears Jim yell. "BATTERY! BATTERY! He touched me without my consent! You saw it! I'm within my rights! I'm w-" Dwight's eyes are blinded by the white lights when he comes to, stirring to the sound of Michael reading at his side. "...As Rey held the Sith dagger to the horizon, she saw-" Dwight, unable to speak except for grunting noises interrupts. "Oh, thank God, you're awake! The doctors said that with your front teeth knocked out you won't be able to talk, so until then I thought I'd read books to you aloud. This is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. The Novelization based on the movie. Did you hear any of it? Should I start at the beginning?" "IM! IM!" "Okay, you want I should continue from where I'm at? Because the thing is Palpatine is back, somehow, did you know that? Do you know that because people in comas hear everything going on around them?" Dwight shakes his head, reeling in pain, then starts to mess up his hair, continuing to fail at enunciating 'Jim'. "JIM! Yeah, about all that. Jim talked it over with legal and they're all saying you instigated it by touching him. But he's really broken up by this, so he said he's not going to press charges. So, that's nice, right? So, um... Hold on." Michael steps outside the doorway and tries to discreetly ask a doctor how much 'bleeding' should he expect Dwight to do on a drive back to work. It's just that he just got a new air freshener in the car and he's not sure if that will mask the smell of blood, and he doesn't want a lot of Dwight's blood to be in his car on account of if Dwight suddenly dies from his injuries he doesn't want to have to explain to the police how it ended up there. The doctor assures him that Dwight's bleeding will be minimal. They'll be putting in new fake teeth that afternoon and will be giving him painkillers and steroids to help control the pain and swelling. The doctor has to find an article on WebMD to show Michael to assure him that Dwight will not go into morphine-induced 'roid rage while being driven home. That Monday, a sullen Dwight arrives in the office as Michael locks his office door in fear of his weekend steroid binge. "Dwight's been allowed to come back?" Jim speaks up, looking around. "After what he did, I think the least I'm entitled to an apology." Dwight remains silent, only smiling to reveal the new gap-toothed grin Jim has inflicted upon him. "Wow," Jim mugs to the camera, "I guess it's true. 'Sorry' DOES seem to be the hardest word."
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Mar 20, 2022 06:40
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Jim begins talking about all his favorite lolicon anime in the office, prompting Dwight to interrupt and voice his disappointment at the whole trope in the anime industry and wishes the genre would abandon that kind of character because it gets in the way of the actual stories the medium is trying to tell. Secretly, Jim is recording the entire thing on video. Jim hurries home that night and logs into his Youtube geek media channel called "MaskedMug" and uploads exclusive video called "Idiot Attacks Anime! You Won't believe What Happens Next!" with an photoshopped thumbnail of Dwight with an oversized forehead and drool. MaskedMug plays Dwight's comment and spends 20 minutes calling him out as an SJW, Woke, possible sex offender, Puritan, Communist, possible sex offender, etc., while giving his full name and the town he lives in, the name of his employer and assuring his audience, "Hey, I'm just putting this out there so you know who you're dealing with. I don't want anyone harassing him..." Within hours, Dwight is the subject of hundreds of near-identical videos that feed on one another in a cyclical fashion. With that, Jim leaves to start his 2 week vacation in Vegas, remembering not to say bye to Pam on his way out the door.
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Mar 24, 2022 20:44
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Dwight shows up to work with a rare vintage Nikon he found at rummage on his way in. It's too valuable to leave in his car, so that's why he brought it in with him. Jim's eyes light up as he slowly opens his desk drawer and caresses a ski mask and lead pipe...
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Mar 25, 2022 06:12
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Deki posted:Jim bunts in the bottom of the ninth to ruin Dwight's no-hitter. Jim spends the time between Dwight's second and third pitch to bring the game to a standstill and make a bunch of insulting comments about him. It's borderline, but the umpire doesn't toss him out. When Dwight throws his trademark super pitch, Jim steps his face into it and home plate becomes a house of horrors. Despite being knocked unconscious from the pain, Jim somehow managed to post to Twitter that "Schrute did that on purpose because he can't take a joke!" Dwight's personal, professional, and amateur sporting reputation are totally destroyed by the event. People view him as a petty monster. When Jim is released from the hospital 6 days later, he's asked for a statement. "...," Jim's nerve damage leaves his face perpetually mugging to the camera.
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Apr 10, 2022 04:17
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Jim hacks both the iOS and Android source code on every mobile device to cause every web browser to suffer a noticeable delay when tapping a link, making the user think it didn't go through when it actually did. This results in frustrating double taps and going backs, which causes agitation among mobile device users. While this affects every user, its primary victim is Dwight. Jim mugs into the camera of his Windows Phone that no longer receives updates.
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Apr 22, 2022 02:39
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Jim tells Dwight to make up for all the horrible pranks he's pulled on him, he got him an NES Classic. The NES Classic is, of course, a knock-off 'Entertainment System Classic' with shoddy parts and quality that he bought from the internet for like $10. Dwight feigns thankfulness and gratitude for the gesture, painfully. Jim spends the entire day letting everyone know about the hard-to-find NES Classic he gave Dwight. Dwight feels uncomfortable, not knowing if Jim is pranking him again or not.
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Apr 22, 2022 02:47
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Jim drives about 100 miles south of Scranton and buys a failing beet farm and spends the next two years bringing it back to life. During that time, he also begins training crows to crave beets more than any other food by lacing them with drugs. At the ends of the two years, he fills his beet truck up with as many addictive beets as he can and burns the farm to the ground. Driving slowly, he lures the crows back to Scranton and into Schrute Farms. This was not to destroy Dwight's farm. Jim could do that with some gasoline and a book of matches. No, this was about creating an army of crows to kill the crows Dwight carefully trained to scare off predators and eat invasive pests. As the crows engage in horrific battle, with Dwight tearfully watching his beloved guardians being slaughtered, Jim mugs at the camera. "Talk about a murder of crows."
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Apr 22, 2022 08:44
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Jim drives away, but comes back a few minutes later once the bloodshed is over. "Hey Dwight, this farm is nothing to crow about, huh!?" Jim mugs at the camera, "That just came to me as I was going to the KFC and I didn't want to lose this chance."
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Apr 22, 2022 08:51
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Dwighter-Man goes to Dr. Scott to cast a spell to make J. Jimmy Jimeson forget all about him. He figures he can end the pranking if Jimeson has no recollection of ever pranking him to start with. J. Jimmy Jimeson will not stand for this and interferes with the spell, causing The Green Gobjim, Dr. Pranktopus, Epranktro, The Sandjim, to spill into their reality. Eventually, Jimeson's continued pranking causes Vejim, Mugbius, Hobgobjim, Goldenface, Jimzard, Kingjim, The Mugger, The Beesley Cat, and a host of lesser Jims to arrive in Scranton.
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Apr 24, 2022 07:15
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Dwight buys a box of donuts for everyone at work, hoping to bring a little joy into their stressful lives. Taking into account everyone's tastes, he reveals he splurged on a variety pack so everyone can pick their favorite. Jim rushes to the box and declares, "I like every flavor!", and proceeds to take a huge, sloppy bite out of each and every donut in the box before putting it back. The box of partially eaten donuts sits on the counter of the breakroom for the next three days. Dwight dejectedly stares at the stale donuts and finally realizes that no one will eat them. Pam suggests he just throw them away, but he tells her he'll take them and give them to the families of robins that congregate at the nearby park on his lunch break as a treat, with a smile on his face. Jim rushes the box, again, and forces himself to eat the remainder of the donuts to apparently deny Dwight this even this simple pleasure. Dwight is about to leave when Jim stops himself at the last few donuts, unable to eat anymore. "Wait, Dwight, don't you still want the donuts to feed to the birds?" Jim presents the two half-eaten donuts left in the box to Dwight. Dwight's smile returns and he takes the box and nods thankfully. Jim then vomits into the box, emptying out far more of his stomach than just the donuts he'd just consumed. Wiping a long, stringy piece of acidic saliva, sprinkled with sprinkles, from his lips, he gasps for air and mugs to the camera. "Can't forget the baby birdies, too!"
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May 6, 2022 07:00
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No one knows how it escalated that Thursday, but everyone remembers the moment. Jim was walking out of the breakroom and Dwight grabbed him by his arm, stared him in the eyes, and made a loud proclamation: "Just so we're clear... I'm not sitting through another mandatory sensitivity training session because of one of your pranks. You know why? Because if I see you walk through the doors at Red Lobster tomorrow night, I'll be sitting in a jail cell for the next 20 years for killing you!" The memorial photo of Jim that was put up on Monday morning mugs agelessly to the camera.
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May 9, 2022 07:02
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Jim overheard Dwight secretly muttering how much he hates him. Jim, furious at this, swears that he will make Dwight love him, one way or another... In the middle of the night, Jim secretly rips up a portion of Dwight's beets from the ground and replaces them with another plant. Several years later, Old Dwight begins ripping the fully grown plants from the ground, wondering how agave managed to take root in his beet soil. An aged Jim watches through a pair of binoculars from his wheelchair on the edge of Schrute Farms, then mugs to the camera.
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May 9, 2022 22:08
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Jim dips the erasers on all of Dwight's pencils in an acrylic coating that renders them useless. Jim quietly watches and waits for Dwight to be pranked, day in and day out; the pencils get shorter, but Dwight never seems to acknowledge the sealed erasers. Jim assumes something's wrong, that prank failed. Still, he continues to dip every pencil eraser plasticy coating for months on end. After 9 months of doing this, Jim wonders if he's made a mistake and has a horrifying revelation: Dwight's never noticed the prank because he's never needed to use an eraser. EVER. In a fit of rage, Jim creates a successful environmental movement at Dunder-Mifflin to go pencil-free by 2023 to save the forests.
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May 18, 2022 07:33
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Jim introduces Dwight to a woman who works for a nearby freeze-drying facility from a few towns over. Dwight is instantly suspicious of both of them and refuses to interact with her in any way. 70 years later, a 114 year old Dwight Schrute lay on his deathbed, his life having been empty for decades except for his charity work, his farm, his coworkers, and his numerous contributions to the arts and sciences in his free time. Somehow, he always felt something was missing. Jim, arrives to pay his last respects to a worthy adversary. Jim has to be over 100 himself, but he still looks the same after 70 years. As they share their final words with one another, Jim pulls out a photo of a familiar face. A woman in a wedding dress standing next to a sharply-dressed Dwight. Dwight remembers her, instantly, but doesn't recall ever having his picture taken with her. "Everyone used to say you two were the perfect couple. I saw it in the last timeline I was in. That's why I tried so hard to get you two to hook up in this one..." Jim leans in closer. "You see, if it were ME trying to get you two together, you'd NEVER, EVER, want a thing to do with her..." Dwight looks confused. "Do you know how loves I've taken from you in how many different versions of the timestream? All it took was being 'helpful' to destroy your chance at finding love and happiness." Jim shows off one photo after another from his wallet: A smiling Dwight standing next to a different woman in a different wedding dress. Some of them he knew, some of them he didn't. There were dozen and dozens of different photos, far more than a simple velcro wallet with a checkerboard pattern could possibly hold. Dwight wasn't sure if he losing his grip on reality. "This one, though? I'd say she was in your top ten of potential wives from how you lived in the last go around. Maybe even top three." Jim perked up as he felt something approach. "Well, time's up for now, Dwight. I just wanted to share this with you before you died this time. Don't worry, though. The next go around, I'm going to give you another chance to find your PERFECT wife. I'm going to let you live your happy little perfect life and have a perfect little family, and I'll come back at this same time and place there, too. I'm going to tell you all this again. I'll show you all these photos and tell this little tale one more time. Next time, though, after you've lived that glorious life of joy and love, I'm going to tell you that I'm going back in time, again, and I'm going to make it so it never happened." Jim evaporated into a fog that vanished. As he did, Dwight saw the angel of death emerge from a void. Dwight was ready to go, but but before he could be taken to his eternal rest, the world began to fade... Was Jim telling the tr---
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May 21, 2022 09:03
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Jim shows up at work and reveals he's converted himself into a half-man/half-bidet and asks if anyone would like to see him demonstrate. Before Dwight can react, Jim's hand flops down like Inspector Gadget and a hose pops out. Suddenly, he's pummeled in the face by a 3-liters of seltzer water, sending him running to the men's room to clean up. Jim mugs at the camera. "This only proves that Dwight's just a piece of poo poo..."
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May 29, 2022 07:39
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Jim pays for everyone in the office to join him for a vacation trip to Australia. When they arrive, Jim announces, "You know, in the southern hemisphere, bidets run backwards..." With that, Jim pulls his pants down and blasts a load of projectile diarrhea all over Dwight. "B'day mate." Jim mugs at the camera. JediTalentAgent fucked around with this message at 04:35 on May 30, 2022 |
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May 30, 2022 02:42
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Dwight comes into the office cradling a baby fox named 'Beebee'. As everyone oohs and ahhs over how cute she is, Dwight explains that in his free time he's been secretly breeding an alpha, beta, gamma, and kappa lines of domesticated foxes, and Beebee and her brothers and sisters of alpha line are completely docile and ready for human adoption. Years of careful breeding of foxes based on temperament, intelligence, disease resistance, size, and other factors has resulted in the creation of separate lines to allow for genetic variety as future breeding moves forward. The Shrutefox will be a beloved pet and protector of the household for years to come. Jim announces that was quite a coincidence. He's been doing some breeding, too, over the years. Wolves. Wolves that eat foxes.
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May 31, 2022 04:42
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Dwight stirred to consciousness to the sight of lights and sounds from the window of an attic. He attempted to move, but discovered Jim left him carelessly chained by his ankle to a bed frame. Just enough slack to have limited motion, but not enough to move more than a few feet away from the bed until he could pick the lock or break the weakest link. This isn't a typical Jim kidnapping, he thinks to himself. Jim tends to make sure he's unaware of his surroundings once he comes to, not to mention being fully restrained. Maybe Jim hadn't finished preparations, or Dwight had awoken sooner than expected. An unexpected growing immunity to Jim's apothecary of tranquilizers. No sooner than he began this train of thought, he realized that it was more like a traditional Jim kidnapping than he'd initially thought. Staring out the window into the nocturnal landscape, he couldn't make the terrain. It was an urbanized city, no doubt, but the smell and sounds and sights were unfamiliar. Great fallen megastructure dotted the entire horizon and statues that stood so tall as to vanish before their heads could even be seen. "Well, it looks like we're not in Scranton, anymore." "NO, you're NOT, Dwight..." From the shadows, Jim emerged, looking more malicious than usual. "Where are we Jim?" "Don't you mean, WHEN are we?" Dwight turned back to the city in a panic. NO! This couldn't be Scranton! Not this hellhole! How long had he been gone?! Jim, both amused by his prank on Dwight and irritated by the lack of attention his guest was giving him, came clean. "I'm sorry about that, Dwight. No, you've only been unconscious about 2 hours, but you were right that this isn't Scranton. It's Marslantis." "Marslantis?" "I'm surprised the GREAT DWIGHT SCHRUTE hasn't deemed us WORTHY of his attention! Look out there, Dwight! This is all your doing!" "What are you talking about, Jim?" "Let me tell you. Years ago, there was a great city of godkings. Marslantis. A land of plenty, and joy, and our most beautiful form of expression was the prank. The good-natured, innocent prank. No harm, no foul. A sign of love and affection. Men used to pretend like they forgot anniversaries and reveal they'd planned the occasion for months, and mothers used to make cakes that looked like hamburgers and hamburgers that looked like cakes. Every party was a surprise party. The flowers, DWIGHT! THE FLOWERS! Did you know, they used to squirt water naturally?! No one ever went thirsty so long as flowers grew. No child ever went hungry, no person ever went homeless, no one knew want, or need, or loneliness or sadness. Days were spent leisurely, the people pursued art, philosophy, craftsmanship, mathematics and astronomy." "Marslantis sounds like the Garden of Eden..." Jim spit on the ground. "Don't sully the majesty of Marslantis with comparisons to... Even now, I'd take this place over Eden any day. But, still, there was a serpent. It was man, a specific man. A man named Dwight Schrute." "What the hell are you talking about?!" "Marslantis' was a perfect society, untouched by your filthy world moralities, but nothing beautiful can last forever, can it? It was a paradise that the city founders had maintained through the careful manipulation of the outside world. Your world operated like a clockwork toy to make sure Marslantis thrived. Your wars, your slums, your poverty, all of it. You animals didn't deserve any better, so what did it matter. Then you were born, Dwight. The founders didn't account for a variable like you. Over time, you disrupted the system that Marslantis needed to survive. Your activism and charity work 'changed' Scranton ever so slightly, and in doing so it changed the flow of resources and influence Marslantis had cultivated for centuries, it drove a KNIFE into the CHEST of Marslantis' careful order!" Jim took a swig from a can of Monster Energy. "All it took was 5 years, Dwight. The entire thing came crashing down. Apocalypse. In the end, we we turned our pranks on one another out of hate... You made us take something beautiful and turn it into a weapon... An empire of gods brought down by a dirty, beet-farming, paper salesman." "Jesus Christ, Jim. I had no idea that..." "What?! Did you THINK that enticing companies to provide jobs to underprivileged high school drops outs WOULDN'T have consequences!? Did you think that cleaning up the Scranton city parks and starting a rehab clinic to help people get off of drugs wouldn't have consquences?! YOU THOUGHT THAT INSTALLING HAND SANITIZERS IN EVERY BUSINESS WOULDN'T HAVE CONSEQUENCES?!" "Well, obviously I thought they'd have CONSEQUENCES! But nothing like THIS! I thought that it'd just make the world a little better..." "Better in YOUR world, Dwight, not MINE. This is what the prosperity of Scranton did to us, what the newfound hope of Scranton did to us. Gaze upon it, Schrute. Drink it in like a bottle of your beet wine, you bastard!" "Why are you telling me this now? Why didn't someone tell me years ago? I could have worked with Marslantis, we could have come to a mutually beneficial plan to help both our worlds! I can maybe still help you..." "I'm leaving you here, Dwight. I'm leaving you in the wreckage of the world you made. I'm leaving you alone in a joyless world where the pranks are no longer exist with a simple truth: You killed a world for nothing, Dwight. All your 'good works' and 'positive impact'? It was never going to last, either. As day after day passes, not only will all that you've accomplished fade away, it will rot. The people will become corrupted, the lands will become polluted, the jobs will vanish, the prosperity will bleed away. As I said, no more pranks, Dwight. Be assured that this is a kindness. When you long to return to your own world, you need just look out that window, Dwight, and be assured that l've left you in a far finer place than your beloved Scranton is fated to become.
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Jun 2, 2022 07:01
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Dwight Shrute, nearing his death, realizes he was never loved nor has he ever really loved anything or anyone in life. He decides this cannot be the end, so he begins research into arcane magicks and mythology. Finally, at long last, he uncovers the sacred tomb of an ancient pharaoh, and in the tomb his treasure awaits: A lamp with a genie that can grant one wish. One will be all Dwight needs. Rubbing the lamp, a figure emerges and asks what he wishes for, but it must be from the heart or it will not be granted... Dwight, feeling more aged that the desiccated mummy he stole the lamp from, looks down, shamefully. "Genie... I lived a life isolated from my peers, my people. I never knew friendship or trust. I held only disdain in my heart for the flaws in others. I wished... I wish I could live my life, again. This time as a man who was not just smart, but wise. Not just stubborn, but honorable. A man whose pursuits didn't just enrich him, but the world around him." "Such is the state of man, but any man can be great when tested with adversity, but give him power and he will become corrupted. Do you accept the price you'll be expected to pay for this wish?" Dwight considers and says, "I do." "Then I bid you to slumber now, Dwight Shrute, and when you awake, you will be reborn as an innocent child and live a life with that great spirit filling your heart. You shall be a man of power and purity, both. But be warned, I shall see you will forever be tested. Until we meet again, Dwight Schrute..." The Jimie mugs to the all-seeing eye of Horus.
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Jun 3, 2022 03:55
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Jim usually allows some free time for Dwight to live without pranks. If it's at the office or on the farm, it's fair game for pranking, otherwise, it's off limits. But Schrute had to make it a work issue by filling out an employer tuition reimbursement form for some night classes he was going to take this semester. Fine. If that's what Dwight wants, then he's going to get it... Jim successfully gets Dwight kicked out of school after the third day of classes. This results in his transcripts showing an expulsion and requiring him to make a full repayment of the tuition reimbursement to the company.
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Jun 6, 2022 04:38
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Jim takes all of Dwight's rare collectible comics from the 30s-80s out of their protective cases, writing 'property of Dwight Schrute' and drawing swatsikas on every single one the night before they're supposed to go for charity auction. "I bet he did nazi that coming..." Jim mugs to the security camera.
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Jun 11, 2022 17:48
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Jim arranges for Schrute Farms' bed and breakfast to be rented for a week for some people he knows from the internet. A week later, several hundred videos are released of the instantly recognizable and historic Schrute Farm interiors and exteriors being used as locations for porn videos, resulting in unwanted infamy for Dwight.
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Jun 11, 2022 19:08
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Jim deflates Dwights tires slightly to decrease his gas mileage, costing him an additional $100 a year in fuel costs.
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Jun 11, 2022 21:05
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Jim suggests on social media that a strain of rabies that grows on and spreads to humans via beets exists and has been discovered in their region. He calls them rabeets. The Schrute Farm is immediately found in flames later that day.
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Jul 2, 2022 05:30
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Jim and Satan face off in a battle for Dwight's eternal soul. Dwight contemplates committing suicide to be assured the safety of Hell, but hesitates because he's not sure if that's been Jim's plan all along.
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Jul 5, 2022 05:34
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Jim says he's going to make Dwight a cake for his birthday. The morning of Dwight's birthday, a slow melody gradually increases in volume on the speakers of the office. It's familiar, but still too muted, with everyone struggling to place it. Even Dwight vaguely recognizes the tune, and it's just on the tip of his tongue... Jim bursts into the office dressed like the Mad Hatter, lunging with a knife at Dwights stomach, tearing out a huge chunk of his flesh and eating it with his bare hands. As Dwight lay on the floor, bleeding out, he begins to go into shock. His thoughts are not the pain, but the song that has becoming ear-shattering in its volume as Jim hovers over him. "Wait... I'm sorry, Dwight. poo poo! I ruined it! I ruined it! I'm sorry, Dwight! I forgot to cast the spell to turn you into a cake! poo poo! I didn't mean to ruin your birthday like this! poo poo! Listen, wait here, I'll go to the bakery and get a cake. I'll make this right, everyone! I'm sorry..." Was Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's "Don't Come Around Here No More" fading out as Jim sulked away, or Dwight simply losing his senses as the life slipped from his body?
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Jul 6, 2022 08:53
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Jim notices Dwight in line at McDonalds and pulls his car in behind him and lays on his horn to annoy him. True, Dwight was already startled when Jim drove his car through the front of the store and pinned his body against the counter, but the horn IS also incredibly distracting.
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Jul 9, 2022 07:24
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Edgelord Jim bursts into the office one Thursday morning and starts upsetting the entire staff with his edgy attitude. Jim, for once feeling embarrassed, apologizes to Dwight and the others. He explains that due to his non-linear, multi-dimensional nature, he sometimes has his current reality overlap with an alterJim from another. "Don't worry. These things last about a week." "Well, I should hope so," Dwight snorts. "Two Jims are worse than one." "Well, just put up with it or I'll turn you into a balloon again." Edgelord Jim is confused, this is some new information he's yet to be informed of. "What? You use your power to turn this four-eyed gently caress into a into a balloon? That's the best you've got?" "Not all the... You got something better?" Edgelord Jim doesn't initially smile, but goes into great detail, become more manic and amused as he goes on. It takes him nearly 10 minutes to fully describe the ever increasingly vile details of the transformation experience Dwight could expect from him. During this time, Dwight has quietly rushed to his car and started to drive as far from the office as he can in hopes he can escape the Halpert Reality Field before either Jim realizes.
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Jul 9, 2022 08:29
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Jim goes back in time in repeatedly implants the lyrics and music to hugely successful songs in Dwight's head a few days before they've actually been released. Dwight is constantly accused of ripping off other performers when he plays his new songs. To be honest, though, he's not: Jim first went back in time and implanted the lyrics and music to the greatest songs Dwight would have ever written into the minds of a bunch of the random cover band hacks. As a side effect, he's destroyed a lot of lives, but so long as Dwight never gets to realize he's the original creator of such songs as "Hallelujah", "November Rain", "1979" and a thousand other classics of the modern age, Jim's happy.
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Jul 9, 2022 23:26
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In that new reality, Jim learns Dwight is writing the mythology of the most important and good aspects of Star Wars (along with a little bit of creative rewriting to take care of some plot holes) to keep the spirit of the franchise alive. Jim swiftly has a 'spiritual awakening'. He then announces he's forming a religious organization around the concept of an all-encompassing Force and goes to publish a series of pamphlets about the "Jedi Order" and their core beliefs and spread them through the nation. Dwight is even more infuriated upon learning Jim couldn't even use Dunder-Mifflin paper stock for those pamphlets.
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Jul 11, 2022 06:17
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Four bodies are found at Schrute Farms with no identification. The police and Dwight are baffled. Meanwhile, that night is the premiere of the 2022 reboot of Doug on Disney+. Dwight decides that after the morbid experience of the day, he needs something fun, innocent, and nostalgic to relax to, maybe make it a viewing party with some of his family and friends... The cartoon starts, Doug and Skeeter are sitting in class when a new teacher walks in the door. "Hi, everyone! I'm you're sub for today, Mister Jim! How are you all!?" His hair flopping around, Dwight is the only one to suddenly feel concerned. "I just wanted all you kids to know: I did a reverse Kidd Video and pulled the members of The Beets from your cartoon into the real world. I killed them, there, too. You want to know why? Because Dwight pulls beets from the ground, I put The Beets six feet underground! Well, see you kids, later!" With a cartoonish puff of smoke, Mister Jim vanishes from the classroom in the cartoon. The characters start acting abnormal, and just before the D+ app throws out an error code and sends them back to the main menu, Skeeter says, "hey, where's Patty?" A moment later, Jim announces his presence as he walks out of Dwight's kitchen, holding a mayonnaise jar that he accidentally drops to the floor that breaks with a 'screaming' sound rather than that of shattering glass.
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Jul 11, 2022 07:29
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Jim goes back in time and makes sure Star Trek gets renewed for another season, writing every script himself under a fake name. The horrible quality of the show's new last season prevents the series from ever finding a second life with syndication or a fanbase over the years. Sci fi as a genre never strives to mature as the audience of the show is inspired to create more and better, and the effects are felt worldwide. The rural purge occurs 5 years later as a side-effect. By a similar note, hentai anime and most SF/F anime never come into existence in the 80s and 90s. Star Wars is never greenlit, and there's no BSG: Original or reboot. Jim will learn to live with only the memory of his precious anime, but Dwight will never know the personal joy of Battlestar Galactica.
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Jul 13, 2022 05:56
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 11:37 |
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Jim boasts to Dwight that he created a subgenre of porn known as Schrumiliation Porn. An entire subgenre of porn devoted to humiliating pranks being done to Dwight Schrute. Dwight's reputation is scarred by the content and his name being associated with it. Secretly, though, the porn shames Jim. Not out of some moral sense, but because he didn't actually create it. Just like with cartoon characters from insurance ads, regular people got online and turned it into a weirdo sexual fetish. Some of it was actually really quite good, maybe even better than his own ideas, and that's what stung the most.
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Jul 20, 2022 17:32
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