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Jim tells Dwight "Baxter Stockman is outside." Dwight is well-aware that Baxter Stockman, a recurring antagonist of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who is typically portrayed as a mad scientist and/or human fly, is a fictional character. He's seldom even portrayed in a live-action format. What's more, Dwight is sure Jim knows this as well. Why would Jim tell such a transparent lie? Unless... Jim somehow recruited a Ninja Turtles fan into cosplaying a prominent villain from the series. It's not exactly far-fetched, as Stockman has been a recurring character for decades and had a somewhat significant role in last year's Ninja Turtles film. Jim's obsessions with Mars Needs Moms and Minions--not to mention his spousal obligations to be a Disney adult--have given him an intimate understanding of how to navigate fandom communities. And that's just the most mundane explanation Dwight can conjure up. Dunder Mifflin recently took on the Lackawanna River Basin Sewer Authority as a client, and Jim's come back to the office smelling of sewage more than once. That's not to mention all of Jim's inexplicable invoices from the Tioga County Research Institute, which is only an afternoon's drive away but well outside Dunder Mifflin's sales range. TCRI... why does that sound so familiar? But after Dwight concludes he wouldn't put any of these possibilities past Jim, he realizes he hasn't addressed the threshold question of whether he'd even WANT to meet Stockman. At best, he'll find a sociopathic and sadistic scientist in the parking lot, if not an open-air encounter with a grotesque mutant housefly. Besides, Dwight pulled a muscle in his back tending the beet fields over the weekend, and it just doesn't seem worth a walk up and down the steps, or even over to the windows. Dwight, who has been gazing into the middle distance for an uncomfortably long time, ultimately furrows his brows and says "I'll pass." Jim smirks and says "Don't worry, Dwight. It'll be fun, I promise. And totally safe." Then, with a sly grin, he adds "I wouldn't hurt a fly." Dwight shrugs, and Jim's voice takes on a nagging, pleading quality. "Come ooonnn Dwight! What are you worried about? It'll be fun! I hear there's a lot of BUZZ going around about this." Dwight further demurs and barely seems to be paying attention as he resumes typing. Jim, who has been holding a flyswatter behind his back at an awkward angle this entire time, sputters something about Dwight being no fun. He moves to toss the flyswatter back in his desk, but his arm has fallen asleep and he roughly bangs it against the metal drawer. Jim doubles over in pain and lets out bleeped expletives as he rubs his elbow. In a talking head, Dwight says "I'm actually a big fan of Baxter Stockman's portrayal in the first animated series. But Jim was giving me the hard sell, and a Schrute doesn't take kindly to bullying. Besides, everyone knows you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Crescent Wrench fucked around with this message at 16:41 on Jan 28, 2024 |
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Jan 28, 2024 14:18
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 22:27 |
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Jim uses the syringe from the 1996 film Trainspotting to inject Dwight with, and addict him to, heroin.
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Feb 22, 2024 02:18
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It's a typical, if somewhat sleepy, Monday morning at Dunder Mifflin. Everyone has settled in with their coffee, and people are idly checking their e-mail, going over their schedule, and otherwise preparing for the week to come. Dwight and Angela exchange a quick look and, after a nod from Angela, they walk over to reception. After Dwight clears his throat, a gentle clanging sound rings out as he taps a pen against his mug, and he asks for the office's attention. With a barely suppressed smile, Dwight begins speaking. "Good morning everyone! I hope you had a relaxing weekend. I won't take up too much of your time. I just wanted to let everyone know that Angela and I have just received the best news a married couple can hope for. We found out that Angela's pregnant, and our family is going to have one more little member by the time the summer's over." Smiles and words of congratulations fill the office. Phyllis radiates warmth, Michael is already planning a baby shower, and Kelly is prattling on about how cute babies are Ryan, don't you just love babies, oh my God I want a baby. The celebration is interrupted when Jim speaks. "Well congratulations, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it." After a beat, Dwight and Angela force a polite chuckle, then go back to chatting with co-workers they can actually stand. Jim clears his throat. "Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice." Dwight smiles weakly through gritted teeth. "Ha ha ha. OK, Jim, any more jokes?" Jim reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used pregnancy test. Angela audibly gasps in horror as Jim pretends to examine the test. "So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle?" Dwight is livid. "Jim, that is a GROSS violation of our privacy. Where did you even get that? We've known Angela's pregnant for months." "I told you those weren't raccoons going through our trash at night..." Angela mutters. Jim is undeterred as waves the pregnancy test in the air. "That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet." "Why do you keep talking like that?" Dwight sighs, more with annoyance than anger by now. "Are you quoting some stupid movie or something? Because if you are, you're trying way, way too hard. This dialogue is terrible." "Tell that to my friend Oscar," Jim says with a smirk. A groan comes from accounting. "Jim, please, I'm begging you, don't bring me into this. Not today," Oscar says. "Corporate is breathing down our necks with these new deadlines, but of course those tightwads won't upgrade our accounting software and it keeps crashing. We're doing all of this by hand, and it takes three times as long. I don't know how I'm going to get through this quarter's numbers in time." "More like this trimester's numbers, am I right?" Jim mugs for the camera. Crescent Wrench fucked around with this message at 12:16 on Mar 16, 2024 |
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Mar 16, 2024 12:13
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Jim lets out an exaggerated yawn and stretches his arms over his head. "I'm booored! When's quitting time?" Dwight furrows his brow and checks his watch. "Jim, it's 9:05 in the morning." Jim blows a raspberry and sulks at his desk for a few moments. Then his eyes start scanning the room as if choosing a target. He spies Michael at reception chatting with Pam (more like chatting AT Pam, in all honesty). Jim holds his index finger and thumb apart about a foot in front of his face, lines them up so that Michael's head appears in-between, and pinches his fingers shut. "I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!" Jim says in a goofy voice, opening and shutting his fingers. "Let's see you manage this office when your head is as flat as the paper you sell! I'm crushing your head!" Michael turns around, momentarily confused, but catches on as Jim keeps up the assault. Michael laughs and claps his hands together. "Kids in the Hall! I love those guys!" Michael adopts a bizarre, fey Midwestern accent. "Ooh, I love dressing up like a girl! I'm so sassy and Canadian!" Now Jim and Michael are both moving from co-worker to co-worker as they crush heads. Andy rolls his desk chair over and leans in like an eager puppy. "What are we doing guys? Squeezing heads? I love it!" Jim squares his fingers up around Andy's face. "It's called CRUSHING heads, you buffoon! And now I'm going to crush your head flatter than your precious Ivy League diploma!" Andy tries to laugh and wave Jim off, but then Michael leans in and harmonizes with Jim. "We're crushing your head! We're crushing your head!" Andy, somewhere between grunting and pouting, kicks his legs out and his chair sails backwards to his desk. Michael is laughing and slapping his legs. Dwight rolls his eyes, and Jim raises his fingers yet again. "Oh, please, Jim, noooo," Dwight says, dripping with sarcasm. "Don't crush my head! I need my head! How else am I going to close this sale if I don't have a heaaa-" Jim pinches his fingers, and Dwight's head instantly explodes, spraying blood, brains and bone all over the room. The office instantly breaks out into a panic. Phyllis is screaming hysterically, a wide-eyed Andy is desperately trying to wipe blood off his khakis, and Angela has gone pale staring at the skull fragment that's landed squarely in her lap. Even Jim looks stunned for a second, but then he smiles and laughs softly to himself as he shakes his head. --- In a talking head segment, Jim sits in the conference room, still sporting a crimson mask and gooey bits of brain matter in his floppy hair. "I totally forgot that the cortex bomb I planted in Dwight's head last week was going off today!" Jim says. "I tell ya, I've got so many balls in the air these days I can't keep track of them all. Pretty good timing though, huh?" The window to the office floor is right over Jim's shoulder, and Angela can be seen crying into the shoulder of a paramedic trying his best to comfort her. "Was it really a coincidence, though?" Jim says. "I thought I set it to detonate at lunchtime. Did the head crushing set it off? Some kind of electronic interference? I wonder..." Jim raises his index finger and thumb again, and slowly brings it up to circle the camera lens. The image shakes as the cameraman visibly startles. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Mar 20, 2024 01:10
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Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! This song is a JAM!" Dwight, always eager to hear new music, puts on the headphones, which immediately coat his ears in sticky strawberry preserves.
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Mar 22, 2024 00:26
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Jim hands Dwight a pair of headphones and says “Hey, Dwight, you gotta hear this! I was just looking at the Billboard charts and this song is NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET!" Dwight instinctively throws the headphones back in Jim's face and sprints past him and out the front door. Jim, looking wounded, brings his other hand out from beneath his desk to reveal a small plastic Bullet Bill figurine. "Dwight's been going on and on about how he's finally had time to get into Super Mario Bros. Wonder, so I got this for him as a gift," Jim says in a talking head segment. "I had the Super Mario theme song queued on the headphones, then when he was looking at the toy I was going to shoot him in the face."
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Mar 22, 2024 02:45
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim, wearing a neon green shirt that just says "RAIDCAL" on it mugs for the camera, then chugs a Surge. "Jim, is that some kind of cheap bootleg t-shirt? I'm pretty sure you mean 'radical' for the whole '90s thing, but it's spelled--" Dwight is interrupted when Jim sprays a can of roach killer directly into his face.
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Mar 22, 2024 14:47
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 22:27 |
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Jim is in charge of "90s day" at the office. This is a prank on Dwight because--although he had been anticipating their first-hand perspectives on the technological and economic development of the paper industry in the early 20th century--he finds that the doddering nonagenarians milling about the office are far too senile to be anything but a distraction.
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Mar 22, 2024 15:55
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