- Lex Neville
- Apr 15, 2009
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Even in that rewritten bit, the repetition is too heavy-handed to be quirky.
I'll read it over the next few days and post an elaborate response, Mrenda. But before I do: props for putting in the hard hours, as well as for posting it here, dude. Gotta respect that!
Lex Neville fucked around with this message at 11:22 on Apr 12, 2019
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Apr 12, 2019 09:52
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May 16, 2024 03:47
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- Lex Neville
- Apr 15, 2009
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I gave editing the first four pages or so a shot, but tbh it became a little too much. I have it saved, in case you'd like to see it still (though perhaps it's more efficient to have a back-and-forth on discord), but you'd probably catch a lot of the more basic remarks yourself by way of a thorough proof-reading. I'm afraid there's quite a few darlings to kill (  ) but as Sham said, there's more basic improvements to be made first.
Looking past those, but keeping it general: stylistic idiosyncrasies are too abundant and of too clearly a for-the-sake-of-it nature ("her coffee, but not his, rested between them" comes to mind). It's also unnecessarily vague too much, imo; the reader is constantly made to wonder with hardly ever a reprieve by way of an answer. This is particularly bad when it comes to evocative speech. You want the reader to go "I can picture that" at least every now and then (e.g. the dim sheen of time ignored which is made worse by the correction following it, because if anything it makes it less clear).
To be brutally honest, more so than as a stylistically idiosyncratic but relatively uniform text does it strike me as a composition of shticks, of which repetition, wordiness and getting bogged down in vague or irrelevant minutiae are your worst sins. Repetition can be used very effectively, obviously, but here it's predictable and, frankly, a little tiring - I found myself guessing which word would be repeated ad nauseam next and I found myself proven right on many occasions, which made it worse. I've underlined some examples. Mind you, it does work well on other occasions (the welcoming thing early on is good, as Mel said), but those instances are drowned out by instances like these:
quote:Larger than reasonable, this was an entrance room that should by all rights be left empty, or at least not regarded with its lacking in reason. Except, for no reason, it had been put to use today. Today had no reason, much like those who sat in the room.
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The coin Donald rolled was an old coin not much use for anything other than what use people thought it could be put to.
Stephanie grabbed at the coin, with her palm and fingers slapping down against the table. She was as fast as Donald was away with his thoughts, putting the coin to the end of its use. She didn’t contemplate what came next.
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He had the type of stubble that was well maintained, although with plausible deniability from fashion. It wasn’t that it was sculpted, it was trimmed with a clippers he’d made sure would save him money if money had ever mattered to him. Each stubby beard hair was long enough to be considered growth, but just beyond short enough to do more than touch his skin with a wash of colour. Donald was very sure of this. Sure enough to spend a good portion of half an hour in front of a mirror ensuring he could be sure. During this time he made sure to not be touching up the stubble, that would be vain. Instead he looked for long enough to ensure he was happy with its effect and that his smile was as effective as he was happy with himself. T
Stephanie stopped looking at him, forgoing a reaction to his lack of reaction.
Stephanie wasn’t proper, and most certainly wasn’t prim. Unlike Donald she also wasn’t vain. She was methodical, in both appearance and her lack of perceived effort in appearing to maintain an appearance. This was their difference. Whereas Donald went to great effort but denied any effort, even to himself, Stephanie went to great effort but denied it only to others. This was all she gave herself.
The clothes she wore were comfortable and grey. They were soft and grey. They were well cut and grey. Each item of clothing she wore, from the off-white, thick socks, to the almost-silver snood, was a different shade of grey. Everything she wore was grey, except for a thin black hairband holding back hair so unremarkable as to be considered a brown-grey, and her runners a mix of luminous green and pink, with only the thin breathable material around the top of the toes a dark grey. Stephanie was methodical about appearance, amongst other things. Grey everything gave her more time to keep up with her methodically grey appearance, as she wanted others to see it.
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“The comment,” he said. “The one comment,” he added to fully place his statement within its worth and considered measure, “Made no sense.” That was his conclusion, not giving it or her much thought.
Being told that her comment, her one comment, made no sense didn’t bother Stephanie because she was busy examining her one comment for all the sense it made. Then, having decided it made plenty of sense, she left the room.
I hope you'll find this to be constructive. I'll read on from page 31 (let me know if you'd rather I shut up, of course)
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Apr 12, 2019 21:00
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Apr 12, 2019 09:52
