what does enterprise grade mean

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > what does enterprise grade mean

jimmyjams: Jan 10, 2001; King Kong of Megadongs
Gobblin' them mega schlongs
Makin' sure they mega long
Stroke' 'em if they mega strong

SO DEMANDING posted:

enterprise grade security software is indistinguishable from mid-2000s spyware in terms of what it does to system performance and how deeply embedded it gets

look on the bright side. it makes ur laptop fan go too 100 every few minutes, and then management thinks you, and your computer, are working extra hard

# ? May 17, 2019 01:44

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# ? May 2, 2024 19:22

pram: Jun 10, 2001

yes my work macbook pro has some nightmare ibm patching poo poo (called bigfix iirc) and it literally locks up the system for 30 minutes and makes the fans go to 100%

what could it possibly be doing??? not even the macos updater does that lmao

# ? May 17, 2019 03:49

pram: Jun 10, 2001

i also disabled it through launchctl but then my vpn wouldnt let me log on because it said i was out of compliance :negative:

# ? May 17, 2019 03:50

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

pram posted:

i also disabled it through launchctl but then my vpn wouldnt let me log on because it said i was out of compliance

this is enterprise as gently caress

# ? May 17, 2019 05:27

qirex: Feb 15, 2001

theodop posted:

enterprise grade is converting that web app to jqueryUI so it works on mobiles in tyool 2019

we�re working on a responsive version in react [estimated completion date q4 2026]

# ? May 17, 2019 06:11

Moo Cowabunga: Jun 15, 2009; [Office Worker.

CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:

this is enterprise as gently caress

# ? May 17, 2019 07:46

Moo Cowabunga: Jun 15, 2009; [Office Worker.

be the change we need

# ? May 17, 2019 07:46

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

qirex posted:

we�re working on a responsive version in react [estimated completion date q4 2026]

to be truly enterprise the responsive version will work correctly in IE 10, but will look wonky in Chome and Firefox while spewing javascript errors into the console

# ? May 17, 2019 19:20

Pile Of Garbage: May 28, 2007

enterprise grade security means you implement things because a spreadsheet says you have to and not for any specific functional benefit.

like implementing SSL intercept everywhere but then doing zero traffic inspection.

or enabling 802.1x port security everywhere...except for things that are too-hard so you just disable it on the switch port. this is ofc done on access switches and the switch ports are patched through to easily accessible drops in the office.

or installing AV on everything but then not configuring any policy so it either sits there doing nothing or runs on-read file scans and full file-system scans every 30 minutes.

or doing anything DLP whilst leaving massive unplugged gaps (ok so you can't copy stuff to a USB drive but you can copy stuff to your onedrive that's accessible from home?)

If It's Not ENTERPRISE, It's Not SECURITY!�

# ? May 19, 2019 08:28

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

enterprise grade means the control panel opens in a fixed location on screen that floats above every other window and you can't move or resize it

# ? May 19, 2019 19:09

akadajet: Sep 14, 2003

pram posted:

yes my work macbook pro has some nightmare ibm patching poo poo (called bigfix iirc) and it literally locks up the system for 30 minutes and makes the fans go to 100%

that's not the ibm patching poo poo. that's just how osx works.

# ? May 19, 2019 20:55

TimWinter: Mar 30, 2015; https://timsthebomb.com

We pay for enterprise software at work, and instead of using it via the GUI like animals we're automating it via the api. Except for the fact that the software reliable crashes on the 3rd of 4th consecutive project run, and there's no api endpoint to reset the whole drat thing. The workaround in our automation is, no joke:

code:

def clean_for_next_run():
    api.delete_project()
    subprocess.call(['ssh', 'enterprise-host.mydomain.dilz', 'sudo', 'systemctl', 'restart', 'enterprise-software'])
    time.sleep(100)

# ? May 19, 2019 21:12

qirex: Feb 15, 2001

CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:

to be truly enterprise the responsive version will work correctly in IE 10, but will look wonky in Chome and Firefox while spewing javascript errors into the console

newer enterprise applications only work in chrome

# ? May 20, 2019 01:45

jimmyjams: Jan 10, 2001; King Kong of Megadongs
Gobblin' them mega schlongs
Makin' sure they mega long
Stroke' 'em if they mega strong

enterprise grade means each ticket in your ticketing system has 7 tabs with 30 individual fields each, with only one field on each tab actually being used by the company

# ? May 20, 2019 02:05

~Coxy: Dec 9, 2003; R.I.P. Inter-OS Sass - b.2000AD d.2003AD

jimmyjams posted:

enterprise grade means each ticket in your ticketing system has 7 tabs with 30 individual fields each, with only one field on each tab actually being used by the company

not just ticketing systems. almost every system.

for me it was ABB Ellipse

# ? May 20, 2019 02:17

Bloody: Mar 3, 2013

enterprise grade is when your on-prem jira has 12,000 custom fields

# ? May 20, 2019 02:23

pram: Jun 10, 2001

Bloody posted:

enterprise grade is when your on-prem jira has 12,000 custom fields

and custom statuses which make all the issues invisible in standard dashboards

# ? May 20, 2019 02:53

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

all the money in the world cant fix jira's performance, though.

im going to become rich and famous when i devise a way to make jira run at an acceptable performance

# ? May 20, 2019 02:56

jimmyjams: Jan 10, 2001; King Kong of Megadongs
Gobblin' them mega schlongs
Makin' sure they mega long
Stroke' 'em if they mega strong

CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:

all the money in the world cant fix jira's performance, though.

im going to become rich and famous when i devise a way to make jira run at an acceptable performance

but then it wouldnt be enterprise grade

# ? May 20, 2019 03:18

PIZZA.BAT: Nov 12, 2016

Bloody posted:

enterprise grade is when your on-prem jira has 12,000 custom fields

this post physically hurts

# ? May 20, 2019 03:22

carry on then: Jul 10, 2010; by VideoGames
(and can't post for 10 years!)

enterprise grade means after sso login you get dumped at the homepage no matter what deep link you clicked

# ? May 20, 2019 03:58

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

carry on then posted:

enterprise grade means after sso login you get dumped at the homepage no matter what deep link you clicked

oof

enterprise grade means 50% of the time, entering your credentials will take you to the "you have successfully logged out" page instead

# ? May 20, 2019 04:01

MononcQc: May 29, 2007

enterprise grade is starting a project in-house, cancelling it for a vendor solution after 2 years, which is then taken over by in-house devs again and it�s 3 years after various additional attempts to integrate it to the legacy system that still runs and no progress has been made, so the project lead is fired and replaced by someone who has no idea what goes on and that�s when you get hired

# ? May 20, 2019 04:06

Quebec Bagnet: Apr 28, 2009; mess with the honk
you get the bonk; Lipstick Apathy

MononcQc posted:

enterprise grade is starting a project in-house, cancelling it for a vendor solution after 2 years, which is then taken over by in-house devs again and it’s 3 years after various additional attempts to integrate it to the legacy system that still runs and no progress has been made, so the project lead is fired and replaced by someone who has no idea what goes on and that’s when you get hired

this is physically painful to read

# ? May 20, 2019 04:12

30 TO 50 FERAL HOG: Mar 2, 2005

carry on then posted:

enterprise grade means after sso login you get dumped at the homepage no matter what deep link you clicked

please put a trigger warning on posts like this

# ? May 20, 2019 04:19

pram: Jun 10, 2001

MononcQc posted:

enterprise grade is starting a project in-house, cancelling it for a vendor solution after 2 years, which is then taken over by in-house devs again and it�s 3 years after various additional attempts to integrate it to the legacy system that still runs and no progress has been made, so the project lead is fired and replaced by someone who has no idea what goes on and that�s when you get hired

place i worked at in 2016 tried to roll their own log system with ELK + kinesis. and they clearly didnt know how to scale it because ES lost data, it was down constantly, etc

and then after admitting failure they bought splunk, but then didnt want to change the pipeline so it turned into this awful rube goldberg machine of logstash, kinesis, and splunk components :buddy:

# ? May 20, 2019 04:20

Bloody: Mar 3, 2013

Bloody posted:

enterprise grade is when your on-prem jira has 12,000 custom fields

if you export some issues from a filter with "all fields" checked, you get an excel document with too many columns to open

# ? May 20, 2019 04:53

~Coxy: Dec 9, 2003; R.I.P. Inter-OS Sass - b.2000AD d.2003AD

Bloody posted:

if you export some issues from a filter with "all fields" checked, you get an excel document with too many columns to open

enterprise grade is when the "export to excel" function is just a CSV

(seriously Atlassian, you haven't bothered to implement a xlsx writer for 20 years?)

# ? May 20, 2019 04:57

Bloody: Mar 3, 2013

the docx is some hosed up html format

# ? May 20, 2019 05:05

akadajet: Sep 14, 2003

~Coxy posted:

enterprise grade is when the "export to excel" function is just a CSV

(seriously Atlassian, you haven't bothered to implement a xlsx writer for 20 years?)

why does it matter?

# ? May 20, 2019 05:19

Salt Fish: Sep 11, 2003; Cybernetic Crumb

CSV is better because you can parse it on the command line without converting it first and excel doesn't give a poo poo it'll just open it anyway.

# ? May 20, 2019 06:22

Progressive JPEG: Feb 19, 2003

enterprise grade is code that was windows only for a decade, then went mac only for a few years, then went back to windows only again for another few years before finally going with both

with compatibility shims around each of these layers like geological strata

# ? May 20, 2019 07:30

~Coxy: Dec 9, 2003; R.I.P. Inter-OS Sass - b.2000AD d.2003AD

akadajet posted:

why does it matter?

CSVs are annoying to deal with in Excel and JIRA is expensive.
it's not some rinky-dink open source product version 0.97, it should be doing more than the bare minium

# ? May 20, 2019 07:49

Captain Foo: May 11, 2004; we vibin'
we slidin'
we breathin'
we dyin'

Progressive JPEG posted:

enterprise grade is code that was windows only for a decade, then went mac only for a few years, then went back to windows only again for another few years before finally going with both

with compatibility shims around each of these layers like geological strata

wowza

# ? May 20, 2019 13:35

jimmyjams: Jan 10, 2001; King Kong of Megadongs
Gobblin' them mega schlongs
Makin' sure they mega long
Stroke' 'em if they mega strong

~Coxy posted:

CSVs are annoying to deal with in Excel and JIRA is expensive.
it's not some rinky-dink open source product version 0.97, it should be doing more than the bare minium

but then it wouldnt be enterprise grade

# ? May 20, 2019 13:52

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

~Coxy posted:

CSVs are annoying to deal with in Excel and JIRA is expensive.
it's not some rinky-dink open source product version 0.97, it should be doing more than the bare minium

you gotta pay for a 3rd party add-on.

jira is just an enterprise plugin host.

# ? May 20, 2019 14:36

burning swine: May 26, 2004

enterprise grade: I bought the factory service manual for a 2019 nissan on DVD, and upon delivery discovered that it not only requires internet explorer, but that it requires IE because it makes extensive use of activeX

# ? May 20, 2019 17:55

Captain Foo: May 11, 2004; we vibin'
we slidin'
we breathin'
we dyin'

COACHS SPORT BAR posted:

enterprise grade: I bought the factory service manual for a 2019 nissan on DVD, and upon delivery discovered that it not only requires internet explorer, but that it requires IE because it makes extensive use of activeX

big oof

# ? May 20, 2019 21:45

jimmyjams: Jan 10, 2001; King Kong of Megadongs
Gobblin' them mega schlongs
Makin' sure they mega long
Stroke' 'em if they mega strong

enterprise grade means filling out a form with 20 fields and clicking submit, only to be told "there was an error with the form". the only solution is refreshing and filling out the form again

# ? May 20, 2019 22:20

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# ? May 2, 2024 19:22

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

jimmyjams posted:

enterprise grade means filling out a form with 20 fields and clicking submit, only to be told "there was an error with the form". the only solution is refreshing and filling out the form again

my eye twitched when i read this one

# ? May 20, 2019 22:30

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