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blunt for century posted:Anybody else familiar with the "threatening questions" form of abuse? Not sure if there's another name for it. "Do you know what happens to kids who disrespect their parents like you just did? Why do you think kids get put up for adoption? Do you think it would be fun trying to find new parents when you're so clearly disrespectful?" Stuff of this nature. Then when I, as a kid, would object to this, I was accused of "putting words in their mouth". Lol this is how I talk to my dog so I can blow off steam without hurting her feelings. These are definitely threats and it would be silly to expect anyone who can understand the words and not take them as a threat. Like I wouldn't talk to Coco the gorilla that way just in case.
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May 9, 2024 14:18
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I lurk in a lot of the US politics threads around SA and the Kristi Noem stuff with her dog plus the goon commentary on it has been triggering me hugely lately. Nothing anyone is doing wrong or anything, just watching people who have never met people like my parents pontificate about how "conservatives think x" about animal abuse and pets and dogs especially. Well, I don't know what conservatives think broadly, I just know that my family is full of people who voted for Trump twice and will do so a third time this November. They were (or at least claimed to be with their mouths my whole life) lifelong democrats before Trump. I heard my whole life, "vote democrat or the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer, and we're poor." Well, when Trump took the masks off and made politics primarily a team sport focused on the culture wars, my family switched sides, because they have always been primarily motivated by spite. I'm low contact with them all. Here's some of the worst things my dad ever did to me. Well, to my dogs, but also to me. Trigger warning for animal abuse/neglect. When I was 12, we moved from the Inland Empire area of Southern California to the more rural mountain foothills between the valley and las vegas along interstate 15. The family dog was broadly "mine" at that time, I fed and watered him, played with him, and he slept on my bed, etc. He was my boy. Half pit bull, half lab. When we moved, my dad was really out at that time to "stick it to" my abusive grandfather and the extended family that dynamic created (all assholes), to prove he was a real man who could keep a real house and be a real patriarch with his family and affairs all IN ORDER. So new expensive house, he became insanely controlling. Plus we were all isolated now, former city people in the middle of the desert on a few acres of land we didn't know what to do with. Abuser's dream. The new house had wood floors. The first new rule handed down from my new patriarch king baby of a father: "That dog is not allowed in the house. He will tear up my nice new wooden floors." So, this dog, who had never spent a night outdoors in his life, now has to live outside. My stupid loving father couldn't understand that we now lived on a mountain, where it gets cold at night. Endless fights about this. I'm an autistic girl so the line is always, "you're too stupid/soft and don't understand the REAL WORLD." (Apparently, the real world is where dogs are A-OK being outside in below freezing temps.) My poor miserable dog starts digging under the lovely chickenwire fence around the back and getting out. I beg my dad to help me make the fence better so he can't just dig under it, continue begging him to just let me keep him inside in my room (there is no wood floor in my loving room!), am rebuffed and insulted and made fun of and abused until oh, about 3 months later, when my dog gets out and never comes back, because we live in the middle of a loving desert on a mountain, and he probably got eaten by something. Or hit by a car after making it out to the 15. Who loving knows. My dad though. You have to have a dog, or you aren't a perfect textbook family grandpa can be proud of. He gets another one. I don't want it. Dad was the sort of man who by the way would bring pets home and then offload them on the women in the house instantly for all care duties because men don't do that sort of thing. My poor mom has to do all the work because I'm 12-13 and traumatized now, and won't do it anymore. I have learned not to care about dogs anymore. Family goes through several. Dad refuses to fix the fence in any lasting way (costs money) and dog after dog just gets out and feeds the local coyotes. "Neighbors" across the highway have puppies a few years later. I'm 16ish. I have learned my lesson, but now my dad has figured out finally that I have stopped loving dogs. He probably is aware on some level he's at fault and wants to fix it (I assume.) So he starts riding me to go see these puppies, because they are also half lab half pit bull, they'll remind me of [first dog] and don't I love dogs? Eventually I cave because I'm sixteen and love animals and I can't resist the allure of puppies and I also haven't figured out my dad will never change meaningfully yet and doesn't see me as an actual human being with feelings worth considering. So you probably have guessed where that's going, we get one of the puppies. Dad promises me I can take care of this one. I believe him, because he lets me keep this dog in the house. I decide to forgive him. All is well for a year or so (in regards to this at least LOL. Though looking back, it was clear he was stewing with resentment about my "winning" the "let my dog inside at least at night" battle, and I wonder sometimes how much his bad feelings about that factor in to what's coming next.) A ranch opens on the property next to ours. They keep livestock and chickens. Sometimes the dog gets out while he's outside (because my dad still won't fix the fence, of course, and I'm not home 100% of the time watching him, I'm 16. I also suspect in retrospect there was some level of malicious "oops the dog got out again HOW DID THAT HAPPEN it sure wasn't me I'm very innocent" happening from my mom, but can't prove that. Anyway, my dad decides that the dog is going next door to eat the chickens. Mind you, I never heard any proof or evidence. I think the full extent of it was that dad saw the dog running along the chicken farm fence once, while out collecting him because he had gotten out again. My dad is also very paranoid and racist, and the people who own the ranch next door aren't white. So he decides, "the koreans next door are going to get me in trouble because the dog is going to eat their chickens, this scares the poo poo out of me because I'm a fragile terrified white man who thinks that the moment a POC complains about you to Authority, the white man gets dragged off to Politically Incorrect Jail for a thousand years, and the dagnub government steals your house while you're sorting it out!" (He's very paranoid about california democrats stealing his house. Hmmm.) The only acceptable solution to this problem he has invented and then catastrophized in his own insane mind into a frenzy? "Rainbow Unicorn, I recognize this sucks, and I'm sorry, and I hope this doesn't gently caress you up for life or anything, but I need to do something about that dog. Now, back when I was growing up, your grandpa would have just waited until I was at school one day, and gone out back with his rifle and done what's neccesssary. I don't WANT to have to do that, but if you make me, I will. Because I love you, though, I'm going to offer you this alternative: You can let me take your dog to the nearest residential area 40 minutes away and abandon him there. Then, at least he will have a chance. I won't take him to a shelter because I'm not willing to wait even a day to look up one that will take a dirty pit bull, and I won't take him to the pound because they'll just kill him there (aren't I a kind, benevolent god?) So, make your choice. Are we taking him now in the truck, or am I putting a bullet in his brain tomorrow while you are at school? (looks at me expectantly.)" I went with him. Hugged my dog goodbye in the truck while bawling hysterically and judging myself every moment for being so upset. The worst part is, he's mellowed with age. Has a dog of his own now that he loves and treats fairly well, considering. And every time I see it, I think of my boy that we left by the side of the road, that day, and how much he hurt me with that stunt, how little he cares. So, anyway, conservatives and dogs. There's a reason Kristi thought it was OK to put that in her book. A certain subset of them think like this, and they think everyone else is weird/pathetic/"soft"/etc for judging them for it.
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May 9, 2024 15:25
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Rainbow Unicorn posted:I lurk in a lot of the US politics threads around SA and the Kristi Noem stuff with her dog plus the goon commentary on it has been triggering me hugely lately. Nothing anyone is doing wrong or anything, just watching people who have never met people like my parents pontificate about how "conservatives think x" about animal abuse and pets and dogs especially. Holy poo poo, that's so hosed up. I'm so sorry you went through that.
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May 9, 2024 15:37
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blunt for century posted:Holy poo poo, that's so hosed up. I'm so sorry you went through that. Thanks. I have pets of my own now (four cats!) and my wife and I spoil them rotten every day. I want to have a dog one day, but haven't been ready either emotionally or practically, our yard needs a fence before I'm willing to have one (the above story probably has a lot to do with my complex feelings about it.... sigh.) I'm in weekly therapy and slowly recovering from a lifetime of trauma, neglect, and resultant CPTSD.  I've subjected two separate therapists to that story so far. The first one cried. That was the moment I realized, "holy poo poo, I think my parents actually did suck a lot, and I am not just a huge gently caress up that can't do anything correctly or even decently." My age when I had that lightbulb moment? 35. Been a few years since then, but yeah. I lurk in this thread too, for obvious reasons. Actually, lurking here was part of what tipped me off to go seek therapy a few years back, so thanks goons.
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May 9, 2024 15:53
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gently caress, I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to heal and find space in your life and emotions for a doggy companion some day. Animal cruelty, and probably towards dogs most of all, rends my soul. In a way, it's one of the starkest reflections of what psychotic, uncaring personalities these people have. With other humans, you can always imagine that they at least have a framework of delusion and demented rationale underpinning their fears and hateful actions, no matter how insane and unfounded it is, e.g. they are here to take our jobs, they are immoral etc. Not in the slightest bit justifiable or rational, of course, to put it mildly. But all humans know that other humans can be scumbags and do bad things, and at least in a vaguely theoretical sense you could see how someone, especially someone raised to be a bigot and fed on a diet of Fox News and general intolerance, might fudge that fact of the human condition with their own prejudices and fears, fears which though insane and based in ignorance, are real to them, ultimately manifesting in prejudice towards an entire demographic group. Again, supremely repugnant and wrong to any vaguely decent person, but at least one can follow a chain of causation. But dogs, even though more emotionally complex (and emotionally intelligent) than most other animals, are literally motivated by love towards humans, by pleasing us and receiving our love and approbation. The idea of harming one is just anathema to any fundmamental notion of kindness. The closest they seem to come to a justification is their awful belief that their god gave us dominion over other animals, not that that in any way justifies why one would use said "dominion" to be cruel instead of kind. gently caress these people and their brazen callousness to the ends of the earth. edit: To be crystal clear, I am not saying that cruelty towards dogs is worse than cruelty towards humans (I believe it's the other way around, though both are reprehensible). Just that cruelty towards dogs in a way tells us more about the innate repugnance of such people. OneSizeFitsAll fucked around with this message at 16:17 on May 9, 2024 |
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May 9, 2024 15:55
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OneSizeFitsAll posted:The closest they seem to come to a justification is their awful belief that their god gave us dominion over other animals, not that that in any way justifies why one would use said "dominion" to be cruel instead of kind. I vividly remember that a key component of my fights with my dad about treatment of the dog(s) was that it would always boil down to this: Me: You are hurting the dog. Dad: WRONG, dogs do not have feelings, IDIOT! I would try and try and try to make him understand that even if you believe dogs do not have emotions (though of course they loving do) they are still capable of being made uncomfortable by things like cold temperatures. And he would insist that I was again making an emotional argument, letting my feelings override facts, and in general, being a dumb spastic hysterical weird girly girl (the worst thing one can be in this life, by far, in their minds.) Like, (animal abuse) it would be snowing outside, and I would be fretting at the window and spending a bunch of time outside and sneaking the dog into the garage until I'd get caught, and the dog would be literally shivering, and I would still get screamed at: "He has FUR! He can't GET COLD! You get good grades, I thought you were supposed to be SMART!" Brazen callousness is right. They decide, in their own minds, who gets to have feelings. If you aren't entitled to them in their minds, then they simply adjust their brains to happily pretend that you don't have them at all. It's complete madness.
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May 9, 2024 16:15
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I'm sorry you went through that, Rainbow Unicorn. I'm happy you have pets to spoil and care for now. That helped me a lot when I was getting over the guilt of how my family treated animals when I was growing up, and my parents were only fractionally as bad. Your childhood dogs would thank you and love you for doing what you could then, and for what you're doing now. I believe in rehabilitation, but it's hard not to wish violence and suffering on people like your dad.
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May 9, 2024 16:26
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Rainbow Unicorn posted:I vividly remember that a key component of my fights with my dad about treatment of the dog(s) was that it would always boil down to this: I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been for you.  Good on you that you have limited contact and are healing through therapy. Perhaps one day when you are ready for a dog it will also help. 
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May 9, 2024 16:32
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Oh god, that just brought one back for me. Had completely forgotten... my stepdad had this basset hound before he married my mom. it was "his dog" he loved so much, his baby. he did absolutely nothing to take care of her though. one day I found her in the back yard laying down. she was covered with maggots, literally her entire skin was sloughing off in chunks. who knows how long she had been like this, it didn't just happen overnight (I was like 6 at the time and had no inkling of taking care of another life) I went and told mom and the dog disappeared shortly after. she had obviously had some issue for a while that nobody noticed or cared about. I don't understand how that could even happen. how could you go days and days without even petting your dog?
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May 9, 2024 16:39
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Ghostnuke posted:Oh god, that just brought one back for me. Had completely forgotten... There is another element of this kind of abuse that I think I often undersell in my own mind, too. The sheer trauma of being a kid, hearing your parents say with their mouths "this creature is one that I love very much!" -- hey, that's the thing they say about me! -- and then observing with all your other senses how that care and love translates to physical neglect and abuse without a blink of difficulty for them. It's not hard even as a six year old to make the leap of logic required to realize, "Holy poo poo, even if they love you very much, even if you are the most important thing in the world to them, it doesn't matter -- they will still treat you the way they are treating that dog right now, sometimes, and you will be in trouble if you complain or even point it out." Like, our cats growing up WERE my mom's babies. It still didn't stop the abuse from reaching them too. (more animal abuse/neglect, sorry) One of our first family cats was bitten by a dog and never recovered. We had that cat for years afterward, and it had a huge unhealed wound in its side the entire time. It would leave stains on blankets and stuff from laying on them, get dirt in it after laying outside in the flower beds, we'd find him with bugs in the wound and have to clean it out for him, etc. YEARS. I remember being somewhere in the realm of 6-8 years old, and asking my dad tearfully why the vet couldn't fix him. I remember my dad sneering at me and saying that we only take pets to the vet if they are dying, and even then, only so the vet can put them down. And the cat clearly isn't dying, he can live like that just fine. And by asking my dad to take the cat to the vet, what I was really asking for was for the cat to be euthanized. Rainbow Unicorn, why do you want the cat to be killed simply because he has an ugly wound? What a horrible unfeeling monster of a child you are! I'm going to go tell your mom right now that you think we should put her cat down rather than let him live like this! He can live for years like this just fine, IDIOT! And he did, for years, until again, we moved to the desert, and he got eaten immediately, presumably because some wild animal smelled his literal open wound. Complete piece of poo poo. I'll never forgive him for some of the things he did, and the crimes against our pets while I was growing up are all on that list.
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May 9, 2024 16:56
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I'm going to stop reading the spoilered animal abuse stuff because it's possibly my biggest trigger. But I am so proud of anyone for anything they did while experiencing this, even if it was just feeling bad about it. That's the only agency or power many of us had in these situations. Your animals knew you were a good person and loved you.
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May 9, 2024 17:08
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Rainbow Unicorn posted:There is another element of this kind of abuse that I think I often undersell in my own mind, too. The sheer trauma of being a kid, hearing your parents say with their mouths "this creature is one that I love very much!" -- hey, that's the thing they say about me! -- and then observing with all your other senses how that care and love translates to physical neglect and abuse without a blink of difficulty for them. haha jokes on you, he never told me he loved me 
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May 9, 2024 17:10
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Like goddamn, I've not got a lot great to say about my raging narcissist mother but she went and mostly still goes out of her way to take care of her dogs and cats at least. I think it goes either way with those, treating animals as mobile decorations and objects they can take their horrible ideas out on, or treating animals in their lives better than humans because they don't dare to express complex needs.
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May 9, 2024 17:12
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Yeah, my parents are a difficult pill because they did tell me they loved me, all the time, constantly, and they clearly WERE very painfully embarrassed about how poor we were and how precarious our situation was, and they DID sacrifice a lot for my sake (they barely ate while I was in elementary school so that I could go to a private school down there instead of attending the public schools plagued with all the usual issues low income public schools have. Like, rice cakes full of weevils for lunch type barely eating.) Dad worked a physically demanding job and ruined his body to put food on the table and presents under the christmas tree, all the typical poo poo you hear about why you should be so grateful that your abuse wasn't worse. I watched them suffer every day. I unfortunately also watched them blame each other, blame me, blame their parents, blame society, blame god, blame whoever they were angriest at in any given moment, and internalized their lack of emotional intelligence and traumatized behaviors as "normal." They were teenagers when I was born and my affluent grandparents disowned them for a few years for the crime of getting pregnant and dropping out of high school to raise the baby, lol. Really, my grandpa was just putting the fear of being poor/homeless into my dad by making him live without any support in an impossible situation for several years, so when grandpa came magnamously back to save him later by cosigning on a house, he would "easily" convince my dad to be an abusive piece of poo poo forever or else risk being cut off the family teat again. If you're an attachment theory fan, I have fearful/avoidant or sometimes called "disorganized" attachment style because of this style of upbringing. I always knew my grandpa was the "real" monster (well him and like, American Society), but like, I lived with the monster he turned my dad into (and the monster my abusive dad then turned my mom into.) So. Complicated. Hurts! Sucks! Etc!
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May 9, 2024 17:24
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My parents were usually pretty good with pets, like to the point I noticed a pretty big difference in care between the dog and me. Like if the dog had a medical issue, they'd get treated for it immediately, the dog's emotions and feelings were extremely important and must be considered. But if I had, say an infection from an open wound in my foot complaining about how it's painful to walk in fifth grade, I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished. If I say "Hey, it feels like you don't love me," I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished.
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May 9, 2024 17:25
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blunt for century posted:My parents were usually pretty good with pets, like to the point I noticed a pretty big difference in care between the dog and me. Like if the dog had a medical issue, they'd get treated for it immediately, the dog's emotions and feelings were extremely important and must be considered. But if I had, say an infection from an open wound in my foot complaining about how it's painful to walk in fifth grade, I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished. If I say "Hey, it feels like you don't love me," I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished. loving horrible, and I'm so sorry. I hope you have learned/are learning as an adult that you always deserved better and were and still are worthy of kindness, care and consideration.
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May 9, 2024 17:30
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Vet care for pets and dental care for kids were neglected in our household because getting shitfaced drunk every weekend was more important. At least most other medical stuff was free, except for when I fractured my arm and was sent to school with a brown towel pinned with a diaper pin as a sling instead of spending 10 dollars on a real one.
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May 9, 2024 17:36
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Once, when I was around 10, I developed a stress fracture in my heel. It felt like a deep ache that worsened on the back half of a step, so I started limping slightly to accommodate it. It always strikes me remembering this that at no point did I consider going to my parents for help -- I already knew by that time that doctors cost money, we didn't have money, and needing medical help meant you were a burden on the family, and it didn't hurt that bad anyway. I thought I had handled it correctly, by manning up and pushing through it. Well the school noticed me limping and told my parents about it, and then I got in trouble for getting them in trouble. And then I got in trouble again for not being able to not limp, because my stupid young emotionally immature idiot parents had never seen a stress fracture before, and because there was no visible issue, they projected at me and decided I was faking for attention. Took another week before they took me to the doctor finally, and I am pretty sure they only did because the school threatened them. That week was hell. Every day, my dad would yell at me, tell me I was faking, I would try to explain to him look dude, I don't know why it's not behaving the way you think a medical issue SHOULD behave, but something is wrong. I remember him sneering at me and asking, "What, is it broken? Can't walk? God, we ALL know you are doing this so you won't have to do your chores." (back then, my biggest chore was scooping up the dog poo poo in the back yard with a shovel before he mowed the grass, and I did indeed hate doing that, sue me.) Early in the week, he threatened me like this: "If I take you to the doctor, the first thing they do is going to be to stick you with a huge needle. Is that what you want? It will be THIS BIG (holds out arms) and go right into the side of your foot!" Later in the week, when he was finally begrudgingly taking me to the doctor, he couldn't understand why I was scared and crying. Got pissed at me for that too. "What, I'm doing what you want and you're still upset! Nothing is ever good enough, is it?" He was completely FLUMMOXED when the doctor came back with an x-ray and confirmed I needed a six week cast. Like, I distinctly remember his nervous look when I was smugly like, "I need a CAST?" god drat man, I remember feeling SO smug too. Like, absolutely thrilled my dad had to eat poo poo on this, because he had literally made fun of me earlier in the week for not being sure if I needed a cast or not, specifically making fun of me for thinking I could possibly need one. Good times. Teenagers shouldn't have kids.
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May 9, 2024 17:51
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blunt for century posted:My parents were usually pretty good with pets, like to the point I noticed a pretty big difference in care between the dog and me. Like if the dog had a medical issue, they'd get treated for it immediately, the dog's emotions and feelings were extremely important and must be considered. But if I had, say an infection from an open wound in my foot complaining about how it's painful to walk in fifth grade, I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished. If I say "Hey, it feels like you don't love me," I'm just trying to get attention and should be punished. I'm in this boat. My parents didn't have pets growing up, so I was apprehensive of letting my mom pet/care for my cat during a car trip, but she was so sweet and kind to her. It made me hella sad that my cat got better treatment than me, but overall I'm grateful my mom can still treat a creature with care, even if it's not me. (My cat is perfect and deserves the world. :3)I'm not gonna go into it but when I was a baby/toddler, my arm was broken for 3 days til someone noticed. It is apparently my fault partially because I should've cried more/didn't fuss enough.
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May 9, 2024 17:52
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Edit: you know I don't really need to share, too much of this is too relatable. I will spend my last $70 on premium cat food if it comes to that. moist banana bread fucked around with this message at 18:50 on May 9, 2024 |
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May 9, 2024 18:44
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Forgot to post this above, but thank you all for replying  I'm going to try and restrict any irl parent time to a minimum (once a year), and if that makes me spiral into terribleville, then it'll be reduced even more
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May 10, 2024 04:11
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Well gently caress, I started a post, and got waylaid. Hi. I'm a rape-baby. I don't have any nieces or nephews either, despite my mom having three siblings. My childhood was alright, except in my 20s my mom decided she was done having kids. I think it's because of the rape, but hey. In the last 10 years, I've invited her 3 times, and kinda invited myself one time (she put me up in a hotel). When I actually touched on the subjected, she expressed needing to walk on eggshells. Problem is, in the last 10 years, I've been the only one inviting her, even after that bullshit, and reducing it to emails, I still feel inadequate. And I'm still the one initiating contact. And there is so much unsaid, but the poster that said they wished they were dead was right. Because then I could grieve and get it over with. But instead I'm left with this entire family (my mom's siblings don't really care either, because rape baby), that doesn't give a gently caress, and I wish I was my own person instead. And yeah, I could bemy own person despite these people, but it's hard. Just for the record, I was a wanted rape baby. My mom already had an abortion, and she was worried that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. She had a friend that had 8 abortions at the time. I know too much about my mom, because she treated me more like a friend than a kid. Honestly? I wish I was aborted or adopted. Vampess fucked around with this message at 11:11 on May 10, 2024 |
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May 10, 2024 04:45
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Being treated as a peer rather than a child by your parents is incredibly traumatizing. Child brains are looking for trusted adults as authority figures to model How To Be to them. But parents like this instead teach the child, "You are here to teach/help/support ME." And the child brain cannot handle that, at all. Parentification destroys the minds of children, it sucks so bad. Emotionally immature parents basically rob their children of their own childhoods -- in childhood, we are supposed to be loving up all the time, learning by pushing boundaries and then being corrected and explained why the things we are doing aren't OK, and what we should be doing instead. It's supposed to be this beautiful natural process of trial and error that results in a well-rounded brain with lots of experiences and good info to call back on and remember to guide in future challenges. This process gets diverted and hosed up for us children of abusive/neglectful parents/caretakers/whatever. A child brain cannot be an effective parental peer or god forbid caretaker, and the process of trying to make a child into a peer or caretaker to their parents fucks the child brain up in an infinite number of incredible ways the present in all kinds of symptoms in adulthood. Piecing it all together and healing from it as an adult is the monumental task we're then saddled with as survivors. It can be done, but it is hard work that you might not see positive net results from in a measureable way for years. Human brains are pretty bad at "seeing" cause and effect when the effect is so far removed chronologically from the cause, so it's hard to stay motivated, especially at first, when the work feels especially hard and yields especially few results. Hang in there everyone. You're the adult now, and your younger self still lives inside you. You can be the guide they needed then and still need now. It sucks that no one taught us the things we are supposed to be teaching, but the beauty of being an adult is that now we have the capacity within ourselves to learn without that guidance. It's just loving hard, and requires a minimum level of basic support, which most modern societies seem to be dead set against providing their citizens, so that sucks. I hope you all find the support you have always needed and deserved.
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May 10, 2024 16:44
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I was either treated as a Personal Therapist or as a helpless child that couldn't handle any kind of autonomy depending on whichever was most convenient for my parents' egos at the time. They were only comfortable with the concept of me as a child as long as I did what they expected me to do (and they absolutely could not handle me actually growing up and individuating)
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May 10, 2024 18:03
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It really fucks me off that while we all accepted years of complete disruption to our lives to keep these vampires safe from covid, they were busy just ramping up the brazen looting of our future and enriching themselves. Far from a thanks, if anything it seems to have increased their artificial sense of ice cold superiority. We really should've just let them all die
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May 10, 2024 19:43
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Rainbow Unicorn posted:Being treated as a peer rather than a child by your parents is incredibly traumatizing. Child brains are looking for trusted adults as authority figures to model How To Be to them. But parents like this instead teach the child, "You are here to teach/help/support ME." And the child brain cannot handle that, at all. Parentification destroys the minds of children, it sucks so bad. Classic Comrade posted:I was either treated as a Personal Therapist or as a helpless child that couldn't handle any kind of autonomy depending on whichever was most convenient for my parents' egos at the time. They were only comfortable with the concept of me as a child as long as I did what they expected me to do (and they absolutely could not handle me actually growing up and individuating) My mom would always tell me that she *had* to use me as a therapist because she had "nobody else to talk to". Always got all guilt trippy at me and made me feel like I was a bad person for not wanting to hear about her wanting to kill herself. Wasn't until shortly before she died that I found out that what she was doing was abusive, lol
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May 11, 2024 15:19
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Line Feed posted:My mom would always tell me that she *had* to use me as a therapist because she had "nobody else to talk to". Always got all guilt trippy at me and made me feel like I was a bad person for not wanting to hear about her wanting to kill herself. Wasn't until shortly before she died that I found out that what she was doing was abusive, lol My favorite is pointing out to family that behaviors like that aren't good or healthy and hearing back, "all parents do this." Yeah the person with no friends who never speaks to anyone else definitely has their finger on the pulse of what other people do
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May 11, 2024 15:36
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My mom's response to other people's parents doing things differently (nonabusively) was that my friends' parents must not love them as much as my parents loved me.
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May 11, 2024 20:27
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Saw some terrible discourse about parentification of children. A lot of people sincerely think it means teaching some basic life skills before adulthood. "Oh, so now it's abuse to teach a 12 year old how to cook a meal?" No you dumb gently caress, but it is when you make the 12 year old take over your entire loving job as a parent.
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May 11, 2024 20:38
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teaching a seven year old the valuable skill of learning to recognize when mommy is blacked out and should just ignore all her ramblings really does give someone a leg up in life
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May 11, 2024 20:55
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Yes, what a valuable life experience, learning to manipulate mommy and daddy so they’ll talk to each other after this week’s screaming fight so I could enjoy such luxuries as “knowing when and where food will come from” and “deflating the unbearable tension and threat of violence that comes with their discord” and “having daddy not storm out for hours in rage on Saturday, one of the only times you will see him for the whole week.”
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May 11, 2024 21:11
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Probably this is common knowledge and icky subject for sure but parentification is also known as emotional incest (or covert incest) because it has very similar long term psychological consequences to actual incest. It can gently caress up your ability to have healthy relationships for a very long time
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May 12, 2024 00:01
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Didn’t order flower delivery or anything else for my mom tomorrow and I don’t feel guilty about it one goddamn bit.
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May 12, 2024 01:38
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OMFG FURRY posted:teaching a seven year old the valuable skill of learning to recognize when mommy is blacked out and should just ignore all her ramblings really does give someone a leg up in life My brothers and I had to raise ourselves while Mom was unconscious on benzos. There are still some things I have the problem solving skills of a 9 year old.
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May 12, 2024 03:46
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Having to raise my sister (plus my mom's best friends kids on a regular basis so they could get wasted together), receiving the full blame for anything they did wrong, and always being criticized for not being a good enough "parent" since I was 12 was a huge reason I never wanted kids. I'd already had enough of that lifestyle before I was even old enough to vote. The other main reason was fear of repeating the same mistakes and turning an innocent soul into another me, which is a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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May 12, 2024 07:20
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Never heard of emotional incest before, so now I understand a bit more of myself  Anyway happy mother's day to those who celebrate!
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May 12, 2024 13:39
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To backtrack slightly, I mean, probably best to take it with a grain of salt, as with everything in psychology it’s only a theory and only as meaningful as it is helpful in finding a way forward. Definitely not healthy tho
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May 12, 2024 14:02
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