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Shithouse Dave posted:I spent a lot of my 20s being a habitual liar. I had to train myself out of it by first, recognising that lies were coming out of my mouth and then consciously and immediately saying “actually no, that’s a lie, I’m sorry” and correcting myself. I STILL have the impulse to lie, even now in my mid-forties and I still have to sometimes own up to something I lied about in the past. It’s helped to realise that I’m too dumb to keep my lies straight, so I might as well tell the truth to avoid getting busted later. This hits home so hard. I learned to lie because the only way through my mother’s wrath was often figuring out what she had decided happened regardless of the truth, and then telling it back to her as though it was a fact. Then that morphed into locking everything down “nothing to see here!” Because lying and the. figuring it out myself was less terrifying than trying to tiptoe around other people’s narratives the way I tiptoed around my mother’s. It took me until well into my thirties to realize that isn’t how most people operate, and it is easier to just not lie about stuff - especially things that would go more smoothly with help. Even now in my forties I am still fighting that initial instinct to just shut discussion of something completely down and then turn around and deal with it on my own.
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Apr 11, 2024 21:51
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Shithouse Dave posted:I spent a lot of my 20s being a habitual liar. I had to train myself out of it by first, recognising that lies were coming out of my mouth and then consciously and immediately saying “actually no, that’s a lie, I’m sorry” and correcting myself. I STILL have the impulse to lie, even now in my mid-forties and I still have to sometimes own up to something I lied about in the past. It’s helped to realise that I’m too dumb to keep my lies straight, so I might as well tell the truth to avoid getting busted later. For whatever it's worth, something I've learned throughout my career is that alerting your direct manager immediately when you gently caress something up and especially outlining a plan for how it can be fixed (or asking them for advice) usually earns you more respect than you lose for making the mistake in the first place. I always semi-joke that one of the best things you can do at a new job is gently caress something up and tell someone immediately. It lets them know that you hold yourself accountable and that they can trust you to do the right thing when something goes wrong. Bad bosses exist just like bad parents exist but for the most part every boss expects that things occasionally go wrong, and showing them that they don't have to worry about you is usually good for your career/relationship with your manager, at least in my experience. And as you pointed out the same thing is largely true in personal relationships as well. deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 22:20 on Apr 11, 2024 |
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Apr 11, 2024 22:06
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Zoesdare posted:This hits home so hard. I learned to lie because the only way through my mother’s wrath was often figuring out what she had decided happened regardless of the truth, and then telling it back to her as though it was a fact. This really resonates with me. It's only recently that I've started to believe that other people don't habitually lie. Previously, if I was caught out, I'd honestly be kind of shocked that the other person would swear blind they don't lie about things as well but it turns out most people don't. Most people, whilst having childhood's with unique challenges, at least felt some sense of love and kinship as they were growing up. I didn't. I felt like I was in a vast ocean even when surrounded by people. My mum fed me, and clothed me, and bought me gifts (too many really, as a substitute for affection) but she never validated my emotional growth or made me feel like whatever I was feeling was valid. I felt like a guest in our house from a really young age and couldn't wait to get out. Now I'm in a loving relationship and I'm able to work through these issues, and it shocks me how much I hate my mother.
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Apr 12, 2024 08:40
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I never got the hang of lying very well, but I definitely got into the habit of being evasive and never bringing up problems because there was nothing good that could come of it. Usually getting blamed for it, and/or expected to fix it regardless of literally any ability or fault.
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Apr 12, 2024 08:48
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Yeah, I kinda picked up similar habits from parents who weren't even being deliberate, but just not recognizing I was learning the wrong lessons from life (because I was doing well in school and was a very insular child).
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Apr 12, 2024 09:27
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i def learned to compartmentalize and lie by omission. I still do, probably. feels like most of the time people don't need or even want the full truth anyway. especially the truth going on inside my overthinking rear end brain. why yes, I did do that thing a certain way, and there's like 50 reasons why that I've already agonized over for days, and no I would prefer to not explain them!!
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Apr 12, 2024 10:01
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killerwhat posted:"I'm sorry to say that I don't like the person you have become. Please don't call tomorrow" I posted a couple of weeks ago, after I got this message from my mum. Yesterday I sent her and Dad emails telling them I'm going no contact, and then blocked them on everything. I feel SO GOOD  . I made a playlist all about being free and living life hell yeahhhhh
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Apr 12, 2024 11:44
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killerwhat posted:I posted a couple of weeks ago, after I got this message from my mum. Yesterday I sent her and Dad emails telling them I'm going no contact, and then blocked them on everything. I feel SO GOOD  My go-to song for moments like this:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4nKOzk8qbw
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Apr 12, 2024 12:58
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It's cool that having controlling parents produces kids who are very good liars. Like, if you have kids who have their own desires and motivations and tell you about what they want to do with themselves, and you choose to punish them repeatedly for breaking free of whatever weird mold you're forcing them into, what exactly do you expect to happen?
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Apr 12, 2024 14:43
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What is truth. Just spoke with my mother. I did not share any of the "truth"s that she was clearly digging for. Such as "my wife does not like you and does not want to see you." Or "I believe that you and I do not have a good relationship." But I did share some truths she didn't care for. Such as "you've visited with your grand kid just as much as anyone else in their extended family." Attempting for a little optimism here: Perhaps learning to recognize the position of your inquisitor, and tailoring your response's "truthfulness" isn't such bad thing. Like, default lying isn't good, but default wide open honesty can get you taken advantage of. Parents aren't the only venomous creatures out there.
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Apr 12, 2024 21:27
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I just got back from seeing my mum. The evening went fine until I was leaving and she saw a neighbour (she's in a flat so has communal shared spaces) she knows crying. She went over to help and was loving and supportive and hugged her. It's exactly how I'd want anyone to react to seeing someone upset, except my mother has never once shown me that type of compassion or understanding so it well soured me.
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Apr 12, 2024 21:39
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Halloween Jack posted:You should just tell them what's wrong. Because the cure for a mental breakdown is to have somebody ask you a lot of questions about it and then tell you what to do. Every time I opened up about my feelings to my family I regretted it because they never let me move past it. Those feelings were never allowed to be resolved or forgotten or go away, they'd be brought up again and again and stockpiled into a mental catalogue of "You have so much wrong with you!" Admitting to suicide ideation once meant that I was suicidal forever and that's why my mom would scream in terror years later if she walked into my room and saw me laying on the floor, instead of just accepting that I a floor person. I could never live down my temporary weaknesses or flaws.
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Apr 12, 2024 23:29
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SulfurMonoxideCute posted:Every time I opened up about my feelings to my family I regretted it because they never let me move past it. Those feelings were never allowed to be resolved or forgotten or go away, they'd be brought up again and again and stockpiled into a mental catalogue of "You have so much wrong with you!" I told my mum once I was on antidepressants and she ask me now every six months if I'm still on them and why I need them.
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Apr 12, 2024 23:33
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Having kids I realized the longest I felt comfortable leaving them with my parents was to pick up a pizza. Finding a surprise gun was a good note to leave on. I'm definitely learning the black sheep of our extended family were just done with bullshit.
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Apr 13, 2024 20:26
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Revealing emotions was always a case of "I have 17* suggestions to make you not depressed anymore and if you don't do any of them you're being difficult." with a heavy dose of "i know who you are and you have no mental illness**." * popsci things to make you less sad if you're not actually depressed. ** only real mental illness is my aunt's poorly managed schizophrenia, everything else is "just feeling down". Lots of lying by omission in my history, too. I am too socially awkward to outwardly lie but I keep my cards close to my chest. Of all the maladaptations this one isn't so bad, in the way that it usually only hurts me instead of everyone around me.
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Apr 14, 2024 00:02
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When I was considering therapy, my dad fought hard to convince me otherwise. Aside from the usual list of things you should totally be doing to be functional and not crazy, he would just insist that I'm better off being neurotic and off-putting than getting treatment. I think he was just afraid I'd figure out what an rear end in a top hat he was.
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Apr 15, 2024 20:59
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100 degrees Calcium posted:I think he was just afraid I'd figure out what an rear end in a top hat he was. 
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Apr 15, 2024 21:24
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The only good therapist I had instead of trying to re-open old wounds or talk about the past over and over she actually helped me plan and get me back on track life-wise and I saw them as a friend I could trust. The ones before that that liked to talk about old stuff actually were making me sadder progressively. Anyway, when it feels like a therapist, or anyone really is more interested in your past as if you were an historian without moving on, they are not there to help you but themselves.
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Apr 24, 2024 03:51
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Celexi posted:The only good therapist I had instead of trying to re-open old wounds or talk about the past over and over she actually helped me plan and get me back on track life-wise and I saw them as a friend I could trust. That's kind of the difference between depth therapy and cog/behavioral. Anyway. My mother let my spouse know that she's had some silent strokes caught on MRI. (Most likely because she cannot get her blood pressure under control because of the psych problems she swears she doesn't have.) I'm just sort of sitting on this information because she transferred her medical POA to her brother immediately after The Family Therapy Session. Feels bad, just wanted to write it down where people might understand my ambivalence.
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Apr 25, 2024 22:28
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welp, my own dumbass decisions led me to both moving across the country to New Jersey, and then running out of money and borrowing money to move in with my aunt Somehow my mother has figured out that I'm living at my aunt's house, and although she hasn't contacted me directly she told my aunt to not tell me that my mother knew I was back. I'm assuming that one of my aunts or uncles sold me out, and now its a waiting game until my mother does something insane. Does she fake a wellness check at 3am? or does she storm in during the job interviews I have next week? HOLY poo poo I regret putting myself in this position. It was all me - I smoked too much weed and had a bad attitude about finding a job. (at least i will have been sober for 12 weeks tomorrow) I had money saved up and I just blew through it all in a year+ of unemployment. Not sure how I'm going to get out of this one - I know this thread doesn't believe me w/r/t my psychotic mother, but she's going to do her absolute best to ruin anything and everything she can.
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May 5, 2024 05:19
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Vampire Panties posted:my psychotic mother I believe your mother is psychotic.
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May 5, 2024 05:21
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mllaneza posted:I believe your mother is psychotic. Thank you. I probably exacerbated the issue - I told one of my aunts some of the things my psychotic mother has done, not necessarily to shittalk or defame her character, more as examples on why I was vehemently not interested in any sort of reconciliation, and why I was asking them for the utmost discretion in sharing things with her. Thinking back about the conversation I had with the aunt I'm staying with, I'm pretty sure that all of my aunts/uncles went running to her almost immediately after I came back.  I have a tax return that is in the works, if it somehow comes through tomorrow I will buy a car to live in and never look back
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May 5, 2024 05:29
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While it's probably something you don't have the luxury or energy for, I'm reminded of the one r/relationships poster who fed the mole by telling different relatives different (fake) personal secrets and seeing which ones made it to their abusive parent.
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May 5, 2024 05:59
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Ghost Leviathan posted:While it's probably something you don't have the luxury or energy for, I'm reminded of the one r/relationships poster who fed the mole by telling different relatives different (fake) personal secrets and seeing which ones made it to their abusive parent. I think I remember that one, then the family member selling them out (or one of the ones who wasn't?) had the loving gall to be upset at the OP for giving them fake info. Malachite_Dragon fucked around with this message at 07:07 on May 5, 2024 |
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May 5, 2024 07:05
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Malachite_Dragon posted:I think I remember that one, then the family member selling them out (or one of the ones who wasn't?) had the loving gall to be upset at the OP for giving them fake info. I would love the link to that.
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May 5, 2024 07:58
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Vampire Panties posted:Thank you. I probably exacerbated the issue No, I don't think you did. 
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May 5, 2024 08:04
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Vampire Panties posted:At least i will have been sober for 12 weeks tomorrow Heck yeah. Join us in the sobriety threads. One in E/N for mostly alcoholics and bistepuals, one in TCC for mostly anything else. Everyone is welcome to either though!
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May 5, 2024 08:35
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https://lifeprocessprogram.com/ Good 12 step alternative
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May 5, 2024 16:52
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My parents are moving back to America this year and my dad and mom want to have lunch with me! gently caress! My dad wants me, very badly, to just pull a Jenette McCurdy and treat my mom cordially but distantly and fake a civil relationship til she kicks the bucket. I figured if I have to brush off my high school acting chops to be around my dad, that's fine! It's not fine, though, I'm flipping out. I'm single for the first time in 6 years and my ex won't be here to mitigate my mom's insanity (my ex was a very lovely, polite, soft-spoken woman, which means my parents had to Decorum while she was in the room because she was a nice white lady who looked horrified and upset if you yelled around her). I'm doing really well for what my life is, I have my dream job (that pays 1/10th of what people think it does/what it used to), tons of freedom, lots of amazing friends, I even went on a couple dates. I'm discovering stuff like new sports that I like playing, with people who really, really love me and/or like being around me. I got into stage fighting again after realizing my entire life (I'm in my early 30's) I've avoided contact sports and stage fighting because my mom said I was "too delicate to be hurt" (context: i was born a girl with a serial eating disorder, I was sub-100pounds in high school and my mom praised me for it). I get to practice getting WWE-smashed by my (very responsible, stage fighting trained) friends for the first time. The thing is, my life is basically Knockoff Burning Man Guy and it's completely the opposite of what my parents think of as having succeeded as an adult. Worst part is, I can't kick the feeling that in order to be an adult, I need to give up everything about my life from the dumb LARPing to the freelancing to the sleeping around and knuckle down and try doing life again on my parents' terms. There's also the ol' chestnut of me being WAY poorer than them and having almost died due to a tumor and also lack of dental care and the wealth and lifestyle disparity is making me more and more unable to relate to them. My dad helps me with medical bills now but there was a big time where they'd only financially help me if I wasn't trans, so I opted out. Man. I really want free food, so I'm going to lunch. 
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May 8, 2024 16:24
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Lieutenant Dan posted:knuckle down and try doing life again on my parents' terms NOPE. I feel for you, and that all sounds terrifying and crazy-making and I hope you're going to figure out a way to be okay. Everything about them coming closer sucks and I'm sorry it's happening. But also? To them dictating anything to you? NOPE. They had their chance, it's your life. Hang in there.
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May 8, 2024 16:47
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You sound like you are forming a great foundation for a healthy life where you are not dependent on them. You know to prioritize your own health and well-being. And you can always hit da bricks if things get weird or explosive. Keep us updated on how it goes I am new to following the thread and may share my story when I have some more distance from it. It has been a couple years since i resumed no contact with my mom after failed family therapy. It still is a source of anxiety/uncertainty and I second guess myself all the time.
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May 8, 2024 18:48
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I wish you all the best - but I warn that the people-pleasing route can lead to an eventual breakdown, possibly one that leaves you basically unable to function in the same capacity afterwards. Which might not be the worst thing, because then you have to learn how to cope outside of covering it over. I say this because I took that route with my dad for a while and eventually cracked open - now I couldn't do that even if I tried bc I'd just have too much anxiety having to perform in that manner anymore. That life is over for me and I can't go back, both in that I don't want to but also in that I lack the capacity to lie to myself and others as convincingly anymore. Now, my discomfort shows.
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May 8, 2024 18:54
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StrangersInTheNight posted:I say this because I took that route with my dad for a while and eventually cracked open - now I couldn't do that even if I tried bc I'd just have too much anxiety having to perform in that manner anymore. That life is over for me and I can't go back, both in that I don't want to but also in that I lack the capacity to lie to myself and others as convincingly anymore. Now, my discomfort shows. Really accurate. I thought I could fake it but eventually the stress of pretending to be who they want you to be just cracks your psyche in half. I used to use opiates to get through my mother's visits, and I've had nightmares where she shows up and I can't find the drugs i literally need to fake that i don't find her repulsive. Well wishes to you, thread.
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May 8, 2024 19:09
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Lieutenant Dan posted:The thing is, my life is basically Knockoff Burning Man Guy and it's completely the opposite of what my parents think of as having succeeded as an adult. Worst part is, I can't kick the feeling that in order to be an adult, I need to give up everything about my life from the dumb LARPing to the freelancing to the sleeping around and knuckle down and try doing life again on my parents' terms. Relatable  Maybe that tension is a sign of successful fledging? Cuz it must mean you are able to live life on your own terms, and be successful at what you choose, rather than something chosen for you. I'm not sure how to make peace with the feeling of deviation. Cutting/minimizing contact I'm sure helps, but won't erase it entirely.
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May 8, 2024 21:47
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Lieutenant Dan posted:My dad wants me, very badly, to just pull a Jenette McCurdy and treat my mom cordially but distantly and fake a civil relationship til she kicks the bucket. I figured if I have to brush off my high school acting chops to be around my dad, that's fine! It’s soul destroying and what’s worse: as soon as my dad died I realized my mom doesn’t even remember the whole gun/Facebook incident. She pressured me to maintain a cordial relationship with my dad because she prioritized maintaining the status-quo, over my mental health and safety, with zero a thought towards me. The psychic damage is immense. Take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health over the demands of selfish people who will sacrifice pieces of you at any opportunity it might make their lives slightly more convenient.
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May 8, 2024 22:40
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Dana Eicar posted:Having kids I realized the longest I felt comfortable leaving them with my parents was to pick up a pizza. Finding a surprise gun was a good note to leave on. I'm definitely learning the black sheep of our extended family were just done with bullshit. My sister and her husband are also LC/NC with my dad and his wife because they deliberately left their guns out around my niece and nephew just to antagonize my sister. They also adopted a dog who bites children when said niece and nephew were infants.
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May 8, 2024 22:57
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What the gently caress is it with these people and guns? Before I went no contact with my dad he had started carrying a gun with him everywhere and leaving it loose in his car. He would just throw it in the glove box or under the seat. He'd say it was unloaded. The thought of that guy being close to a gun at any time made me very uncomfortable. Lieutenant Dan, I support however you want to deal with your parents or not, but I hope you are able to have as little to do with them as possible. I also tried a low contact relationship for years. After it ended, I was very surprised at how much anger I had been carrying around and how draining the whole thing had been. All those little parts of myself I had to hide or put aside just to be around that rear end in a top hat once a week. Never again.
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May 9, 2024 02:08
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Anybody else familiar with the "threatening questions" form of abuse? Not sure if there's another name for it. "Do you know what happens to kids who disrespect their parents like you just did? Why do you think kids get put up for adoption? Do you think it would be fun trying to find new parents when you're so clearly disrespectful?" Stuff of this nature. Then when I, as a kid, would object to this, I was accused of "putting words in their mouth". "Oh I never made a single threat. I was just asking questions. Am I not allowed to exercise free speech in my own home? Wow, the disrespect here is incredible." But it's obviously the same sort of "question" as "sure is a nice family you got there. Sure would be a shame if anything happened to them, right?" from old mob movies
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May 9, 2024 11:46
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I don't know if that mode of speech has a name, but it's definitely verbal abuse and dishonesty
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May 9, 2024 12:07
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Isn't it a form of passive aggressiveness?
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May 9, 2024 13:06
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