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Oh, me? I write insurance jingles. Sometimes I do side work as a Muzak dj. I specialize in songs about heartbreak during low traffic times, it's really helped move baked goods just before they expire.
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Nov 7, 2019 23:22
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Hey. I see you walking directly toward the checkout line. I was looking through this bin of Halloween candy but seeing you going to the lane kicks on some crazy animal poo poo that I can't control and now I have to race you to get there first! ( I do this in traffic too, going from 10mph to 60 the instant anyone tries to pass me) OMFG FURRY posted:Oh, me? Barry Manilow?
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Nov 7, 2019 23:30
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I'm upper-management at a AAA video game development studio.
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Nov 8, 2019 01:11
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Obsidianheart posted:I'm upper-management at a AAA video game development studio. this one just crosses the line...
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Nov 8, 2019 01:29
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CharminUltraStrong posted:this one just crosses the line... That's nothing. I'm in marketing and advertising and haven't yet committed suicide.
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Nov 8, 2019 01:34
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You'll need to address me as 'Mr. President', thanks.
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Nov 8, 2019 01:51
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I'm a high level investor at a company that sells your genetic lineage tests to your health insurance provider.
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Nov 8, 2019 01:52
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I put car horn sound effects in radio ads that play during your rush hour commutes.
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Nov 8, 2019 02:02
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Cacator posted:I put car horn sound effects in radio ads that play during your rush hour commutes. Do you also add siren sounds to popular music?
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Nov 8, 2019 02:03
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I always low ball photographers and artists because what they do is easy and really they should just be happy with the exposure I get them
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Nov 8, 2019 02:32
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Do it ironically posted:I always low ball photographers and artists because what they do is easy and really they should just be happy with the exposure I get them  YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
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Nov 8, 2019 03:13
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As a parent...
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Nov 8, 2019 04:16
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Hello yes I am a rich person.
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Nov 8, 2019 04:22
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If you're poor you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps. There's nothing holding minorities back. Climate Change is a hoax.
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Nov 8, 2019 04:24
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I vote conservative because I'm tired of millenials leaving their roots in the small town. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my job as a dishwasher at the Boston Pizza where I talk down to high schoolers talking about college options. I am also 32 years old.
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Nov 8, 2019 04:30
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Do it ironically posted:I always low ball photographers and artists because what they do is easy and really they should just be happy with the exposure I get them lol you pay them? I never pay them, they should be more than grateful with the "experience" and "exposure" In my company we can't offer you a living wage, however, if you have boundless energy and desire to work on both creative AND sometimes tedious work but in an environment that just might change your life, perhaps this is the opportunity for you. We’re terrible at work-life balance. Although work is pretty much your life, we do our absolute best to make sure that work is as awesome as possible so you at least enjoy each and every day here. Annual Salary: Negotiable, but you should know up front we’re not a terribly money-motivated group. We’re more likely to spend less money on salary and invest that on making your day-to-day life at work better
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Nov 8, 2019 04:47
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i write jokes for The New Yorker
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Nov 8, 2019 04:49
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I'm a goon
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Nov 8, 2019 04:49
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I'm from Alberta and I like to tailgate on tight mountain roads with questionable guard railing right after sunset when I know deer and elk and sheep might be grazing on the shoulders. My truck is awesome and I'm awesome and gently caress anyone who isn't speeding 20 over the limit goddamn pussies.
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Nov 8, 2019 05:39
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Literally A Person posted:Hi, can I bitch about my life to you for three hours and then not take any advice or try in anyway to make my situation any better. LoL hmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm
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Nov 8, 2019 05:59
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OMFG FURRY posted:i write jokes for The New Yorker Christ, what an rear end in a top hat!
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Nov 8, 2019 06:43
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I get annoyed by people not meeting my standards of politeness and loudly criticize them and demand strangers back me up
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Nov 8, 2019 06:50
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All those people drowning in the Mediterranean every year? It should be illegal to try to save them. Unfortunately it's the only way to stop those simple brown people thinking it's a good idea to try to cross the sea on haphazard rafts. Why are you angry? You're being hysterical! Less people will die this way!
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Nov 8, 2019 07:33
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I'll happily spend ten minutes driving around the parking lot trying to get a park as close as possible to the entrance. Can't waste time walking the 50m from the other end of the parking lot!
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Nov 8, 2019 08:47
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They should have cast someone who is actually trans in that role
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Nov 8, 2019 10:09
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Black Pete isn't racist, he is black because of the soot from chimneys! What, chimneys don't give you curly hair, big red lips, hoop earring and his clothes are clean? SHUT UP, IT'S A TRADITIONAL KIDS HOLIDAY! 
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Nov 8, 2019 11:53
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"Racism is only a problem in North America" - an actual Dutch person I know.
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Nov 8, 2019 12:33
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I was booooorn in the USA 
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Nov 8, 2019 12:38
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Hello, police? I'd like to report 4 THUGS walking down the street. Yes, 4 black teens, wearing possible GANG colors. I'm following them right now in my car, I'll pursue on foot if needed. Hold on they're going into a business. Oh god they're going to rob the place. Don't worry officer I'll handle this until you guys can back me up.
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Nov 8, 2019 13:19
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Hello, I am American Hello, I am Russian Hello, I am Chinese
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Nov 8, 2019 13:25
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A Fancy Hat posted:Hello, police?  just read this (my translation), originally posted in a Facebook group for a municipality in the sticks somewhere:quote:Has anyone seen weird-looking wanderers in Veteli today? Jesus christ what the gently caress?
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Nov 8, 2019 14:04
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A Fancy Hat posted:Hello, police? This is literally every other post on my neighborhood's Nextdoor page.
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Nov 8, 2019 14:15
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A Fancy Hat posted:Hello, police? “Hello Police, I’d like to report... well I’m not sure.” “What’s your emergency, ma’am?” “My next door neighbor’s daughter is selling bottles of water.” “...ma’am?” “She’s about 9 years old, frizzy hair, wearing a little polka dot dress, and she’s selling water bottles and candy in her front yard without a permit!” “... a permit? What permit?” “She’s walking water without a permit and her mother is just sitting sitting there! Please send help!”
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Nov 8, 2019 14:34
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*walks hand in hand with their four children in the times square area during rush hour, stopping frequently to look at their phone* alternatively, *is a subway performer*
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Nov 8, 2019 14:36
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Hello females, perhaps you've noticed my large hat? I only have a few moments to talk before I have to leave, I have a big party to get to. But I guess you don't get invited to many parties, do you? What with that unusually large nose you have. Oh, whoops, I forget to wear my expensive watch so I lost track of time. Maybe if you ugly freaks have some free time you'd like to join me? *7 minutes later* WHAT THE gently caress WOMEN SUCK SO MUCH I HATE THEM!! I paid 600 dollars for these pickup techniques but these women are all too dumb for them to work!!!
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Nov 8, 2019 14:54
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I invented a snap back fedora/trilby with an integrated vaping rig.
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Nov 8, 2019 15:01
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YeahTubaMike posted:*walks hand in hand with their four children in the times square area during rush hour, stopping frequently to look at their phone* This is why I push my four children in a giant fuckoff war rig monstrosity of a stroller. You know, down a narrow sidewalk. While also on my phone.
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Nov 8, 2019 15:41
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“Hey, you’re good with computers, right?”
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Nov 9, 2019 03:49
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I play EVE Online
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Nov 9, 2019 03:59
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*me an alpha male* *interrupts a couple of women coworkers discussing women’s issues* Aha, you two are so wrong, let me explain it to you how it actually works
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Nov 9, 2019 05:39
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