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*jerks off then slams money on the counter*
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Nov 28, 2019 15:07
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 11:08 |
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:*Kramer shoots Jerry in the back of the skull the audience laughs as his brain matter cakes the lens and George screams in helpless terror as he knows he is next to be killed by Kramer who is also a virulent racist.*
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Nov 28, 2019 15:09
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Mr. Breinstenner: Gorge, i am crazy and you are a terrible employee. you should quit being a new york met. Gorge: you cant quit me, im fired!
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Nov 28, 2019 15:10
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The next time you write me out of an episode, make it permanent! *disappears into obscurity
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Nov 28, 2019 15:14
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Food of airlines, yes The deal of it, what is? Not food it is. Not airline.
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Nov 28, 2019 16:20
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*CHUDs into DnD*
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Nov 28, 2019 17:10
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*gets banned for inventing the Urban Sombrero*
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Nov 28, 2019 17:11
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this is gross and hilarious
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Nov 28, 2019 17:56
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Pretend I wrote an episode where Jerry’s new girlfriend is a big pooper/no flusher. At one point Kramer is a victim of her leavings and does something Kramery.
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Nov 28, 2019 19:25
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Hello everyone it's me, Jerry "Ephebophile" Seinfeld!
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Nov 28, 2019 20:19
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*waits longingly for Kenny Rogers Roasters to return*
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Nov 28, 2019 20:23
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DarkSoulsTantrum posted:At one point Kramer is a victim of her leavings and does something Kramery. Kramer looks into toiler, gets shocked trips and spazzes his way around and then out of the bathroom
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Nov 28, 2019 20:53
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 Kind've defeats the purpose!
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Nov 28, 2019 21:29
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What's the deeeaaaaaaall with 6 hour probations? And that rap sheet, whoaaaaa! Mods are gettin' upset! Edit: there needs to be a get-out smilie, but based on Elaine pushing people away. It's perfect, really. Rupert Buttermilk fucked around with this message at 23:24 on Nov 28, 2019 |
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Nov 28, 2019 23:22
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DarkSoulsTantrum posted:Pretend I wrote an episode where Jerry’s new girlfriend is a big pooper/no flusher. At one point Kramer is a victim of her leavings and does something Kramery. Jerry and his girlfriend Claire are hanging out at the apartment. They start making out, and Claire says she needs to use the bathroom. A few seconds later she comes walking out and says she needs to leave for an appointment she forgot. As she is leaving Kramer walks in. Kramer, and Jerry trade a few barbs then Kramer ask if he can use the bathroom. Kramer enters then comes running out of bathroom visibly disturbed. Jerry: "Whats wrong with you" Kramer: Big..big poo. Jerry: What?! Kramer: Your girlfriend Jerry (makes Kramer noises with wide eyes and holding hands out like showing size of a big fish) Jerry: What are you trying to say? Out with it. Kramer "Your lady friend left an enormous mud monkey in your toilet Jerry." Jerry: Claire, noway she hardly eats. Kramer: "Oh she eats." Jerry: " I don't believe you." (Walks into bathroom immediately runs out like hes going to puke.") (George enters apartment sees Jerry doubled over.) George "Whats wrong with him?" Kramer (Says nothing makes Kramer noises, and points toward bathroom) (George walks into bathroom immediately runs out.) George:"Mother of god what is that?" Kramer: "Thats Claire." George: "Jerry's new girl? But shes so petite." Kramer: "Oh, its her" George: " All of it?" Kramer: "ALL OF IT!" George: "What kind of monster is this woman?" Jerry: "I don't think I want to find out." (Elaine walks in just as Jerry delivers the line) Elaine: "Find out what?" (George Kramer and Jerry all look toward the bathroom. Elaine walks into bathroom comes running back out nauseated) Elaine: "What was that?" Jerry: "I don't know but I want it gone. It was peaking over the rim at me like one of the Ghoulies." George: "Whats a Ghoulie?" Jerry: "They were knock off monsters in a horror movie that tried to capitalize off of Gremlins." George: "And they hung out in toilets?" Jerry: "No, well at least not all of them." Elaine:"Good cause the idea of a toilet monster is pretty dumb." Jerry:"Really Elaine? Did you not just look in my toilet, because they seem pretty real to me right now." George:"Wonder why she didn't flush?" Kramer:"Maybe she forgot." George:"Who forgets to flush a toilet?" Kramer:"Maybe she got up to wash her hands then forgot to flush." Elaine:"What kind of person gets up before they flush?" Kramer:"I do." Elaine:"Why?" Kramer:"The toilet can be a very powerful piece of equipment Elaine. You do want to be around if something goes wrong when it start sucking." Elaine:"I seriously doubt a person can get sucked down a toilet." Kramer: "Not an entire person." (Kramer noises) George:"What do you mean?" Kramer:"My fried Bob Sacamano. He flsuhed sitting down once and the next thing he knew half his intestine was floating in a sewer under 42nd street!" George:"That can happen?" Kramer:"Oh it happened. luckily he was able to grab a pair of mustache scissors, and cut it off before he lost too much of it." Jerry:"Can we get back to the topic at hand? What am I going to do about this?" Elaine:"Well you gotta break it off with Claire." Jerry:"Well thats obvious! I mean about my toilet." Kramer:"Ive got a friend who runs bootleg German scat films out of a warehouse on the east side. I'll bet he'd pay you top dollar for a dung heap that size." Jerry:"you really think so?" Kramer:"Oh, I know so Jerry." Anyway Kramer calls the guy. German guy shows up to Jerry apartment and buy the poo. German guy runs into Uncle Leo leaving the apartment. Jerry gets a call from his concerned mother. She thinks he is so broke he is doing weird poop based German porno. Jerry goes to the cafe to confront Claire. Claire says the poo was in the toilet when she entered bathroom, that is why she left in a hurry. Jerry says doesn't believe her. They both leave angry, and decide to break up. On the way home from the dinner Uncle Leo runs into Claire, and warns her to stay away from Jerry, because he is having some kind of mental break down. Uncle Leo eventually spills the beans to her about Jerry selling his poo to German pornographers. When Jerry gets home he finds out from Kramer that it was Newman who pooped in his toilet. Newman broke in and left a turd in Jerry's bathroom to get even with Jerry for not inviting him to watch the Knicks game the other night. Jerry is horrified and calls Claire to apologize. Claire, however is having none of it, and calls Jerry a sick man. She tells him that she knows his parents found out about him selling poop to the Germans. She says he is a disturbed psycho who is just trying to shift blame for his fecal escapades on other people. Episode ends with Jerry doing some observational humor porta potties. Smiling Mandrill fucked around with this message at 07:42 on Nov 29, 2019 |
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Nov 29, 2019 07:37
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George: Well ya know Jerry *open mouth smirk and looks down his nose over his glasses* the devil is in the details Jerry: what?
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Nov 29, 2019 07:39
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Im gorge
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Nov 29, 2019 07:53
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Jerry #1 has encountered second Jerry, his doppelganger... Jerry 1: You know what I've been thinking about? Jerry 2: what's that? 1: Them beans! 2: I've been thinking about them beans as well! 1: Love beans! 2: Black beans... 1: Pinto beans... 2: Kidney beans... The scene shifts to show them walking down the street still naming beans. Later that night, in Jerry 1's apartment, his alarm clock shows 2:38am. His phone rings, and he picks it up. Immediately we can hear Jerry 2 on the other end 2: ...Green beans 1: Chili beans...
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Nov 29, 2019 09:57
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Smiling Mandrill posted:Jerry and his girlfriend Claire are hanging out at the apartment. They start making out, and Claire says she needs to use the bathroom. A few seconds later she comes walking out and says she needs to leave for an appointment she forgot. As she is leaving Kramer walks in. Kramer, and Jerry trade a few barbs then Kramer ask if he can use the bathroom. Kramer enters then comes running out of bathroom visibly disturbed. This is, truly and genuinely, one of the finest posts I've ever read during my time here on SA. I could picture it, I could hear it, and I could almost believe it. I humbly request that you do at least one more, but of what, I don't know. Possible topics could be the printer story, pppppowerbook, or even goatse. Goddamn, what a post.
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Nov 29, 2019 13:06
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:This is, truly and genuinely, one of the finest posts I've ever read during my time here on SA. I could picture it, I could hear it, and I could almost believe it. That was meatship-level good. (in case you missed, https://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/meatship-seinfeld-script/1/)
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Nov 29, 2019 14:19
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"Listen guys, please don't talk to Puddy about politics, okay?" "Elaine, does that mean what I *think* it means?" "No! NO! No of course not..... okay maybe a little!" "A little?" "He's not.... you know.... Ben Shapiro over here or anything. But you know, he's worried about his taxes. So he can kind of congregate a little to the.... uh...." "He'd be a friend of the groom at a wedding, is what you're saying?" "Yeah. But he's not... YOU KNOW, like that." *Kramer busts into the room wearing a Bernie Sanders shirt* "Giddyup everybody, time for a revolution!"
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Nov 29, 2019 14:42
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...he's gay?
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Nov 29, 2019 14:59
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:Kramer: Yes George, I had masturbated and disseminated your penis pictures you had sent to me in confidence, just as Jerry disseminated my feet across the world wide web, behold! Oh hey, it's a script that the Japanese are actually interested in.
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Nov 29, 2019 15:04
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*bass guitar riff, intro* G: She's a great girl, terrific girl. Real people person, real patient. J: *matter-of-factly, with a meaningful look at George* Well, I think she'd have to be. *audience laughter* G: *glares at Jerry* Ha ha. *George walks to the sink and pours himself a glass of water* J: So, you think this girl is something special then. G: Well...*hesitates, putting his full water glass down and squinting pensively* There is...ONE thing... J: Go on. G: She, ah...*adjusts his glasses* She likes certain...things in the bedroom that I'm still getting used to. J: *mischievously* Ohhhh, you sly dog you. I fail to see how this is a problem. G: Jerry...*takes a breath, measuring his words* She...*leans in confidentially* She likes to have her...rear end...eaten. J: *blinks, surprised* She likes to have her rear end...EATEN? G: *louder and slightly stressed* She likes to have her rear end eaten! *audience laughter* J: Is she...doesn't she like it when...*points at his crotch* G: Well, yeah! But I was down there one night, and she rolls over and says "I want you to eat it" and now I'm on the spot! *George is agitated, his voice louder* I'm on the spot, and she's on all fours and IT'S starin' me RIGHT in the face!! *audience laughter* J: IT'S staring you in the face? *strongly emphasizing the *it* G: *frantic* IT'S STARING ME IN THE FACE, JERRY!! *audience laughter* J: So don't do it if you don't like it! G: *his expression changes, voice becoming deadly serious* And put the SEX at risk? *audience laughter* *Kramer slides into the apartment* K: Eh, giddy-up. *gestures into the air, pauses for audience reaction* K: *regards George* What's wrong with you? J: Eh, his new girlfriend likes to have her...*pauses, as though trying out a phrase in a foreign language*...rear end eaten? K: Ah, yes! Analingus. *his eyes light up in recognition and appreciation* It's a lost art, Jerry. You know, in some countries it's a declaration of great intimacy between partners. J: *brightly* Oh, so you've done it before. K: *shivers, expression shifting immediately* No, no-no-no. Not for me. I'm not risking pinkeye, Jerry. *audience laughter* *George glowers in the corner of the kitchen, taking a drink of water and swishing it in his mouth enthusiastically before spitting it in the sink* *audience laughter* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 15:25
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Perfect
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Nov 29, 2019 15:30
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Comedians in Cars Groping Kids
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Nov 29, 2019 15:33
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Yeah I think I just really love believable yet fake Seinfeld scripts, because that one was also very good.
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Nov 29, 2019 15:49
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So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas, so what!
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Nov 29, 2019 15:57
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J: George! G: Jerry! J: George. G: Jerry. K: JERRY! GEORGE! J: Kramer. K: George? J: Kramer. K: Jerry? J: Kramer. K: Newman? J: NEWMAN? K: Newman. N: Newman! J: NEWMAN! E: Jerry! J: Elaine! E: George? G: Elaine. Jerry. Newman. Kramer. Fin
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Nov 29, 2019 15:58
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*bass guitar riff, intro* [INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT] *Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are all sitting around Jerry's coffee table* G: *resigned tone* I think I'm gonna end it with her. E: *casually* Is this the rear end girl? G: *shoots her a look* Her NAME is Amber. And, YES... she does have a particular preference. E: See, you're so hung up on this ONE thing. You of all people can NOT afford to be that picky. *audience laughter* *George's glare to Elaine intensifies* E: Oh, relax. I'm just saying you need to be more...*gestures in the air*...sex-positive. Forward-thinking. Look to the future. J: *with a slight note of triumph* Says the woman who uses discontinued contraceptive sponges. *Elaine makes a face at Jerry* K: You know, George...*leans forward* It's simply a matter of...*pauses for dramatic effect*...erogenous zones. G: Erogenous zones? K: Erogenous zones. J: Sure, erogenous zones. Like, say...*motions to his crotch*...the general, GENITAL area... G: Right, genital area... E: There's always the nipple, that's a good one. J: Small of the back, curve of the neck... K: *startles suddenly in his chair from an idea* The earlobe! *Elaine, George, and Jerry simultaneously* The earlobe. *all nod* J: *matter-of-factly* The most PG of the erogenous zones. *audience laughter* G: Okay, okay. So how does...*hesitates*...IT qualify as an erogenous zone? *Kramer bears a pensive expression, clearly thinking of an explanation on the spot* K: Well...okay, how about this - you do your business in the mornings, right? G: My business? K: Yeah, your business! Drink your coffee, eat your muffin...*gestures to Jerry's bathroom* Do your business! G: Oh. Well...yeah, of course. Who doesn't? K: You feel better when you're done? G: Of course I do. K: *sagely* That's because you've engaged an erogenous zone. G: ...I have? K: Of COURSE you have! It's all tied together, man! It's science! Feels good leaving, you feel good after, there's no difference here! You've got to engage the erogenous zones, George! *audience laughter* G: *hesitant, somewhat in disbelief* So... would YOU do it if you were asked? *Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer lean away from the table and sink further into their seats* J: No. E: Nuh-uh. K: Nope. *audience laughter* *George drops his head in defeat* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 16:38
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ElectricSheep posted:*bass guitar riff, intro* Not gonna lie... I need to know how this ends. I mean, Kramer IS the rear end Man, so...
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Nov 29, 2019 16:48
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:Not gonna lie... I need to know how this ends. It ends with George eating a chocolate sunday, getting brown ice cream all over his face without realizing it, and then running into the other three at the coffee shop.
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Nov 29, 2019 17:00
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Another Bill posted:It ends with George eating a chocolate sunday, getting brown ice cream all over his face without realizing it, and then running into the other three at the coffee shop. lol
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Nov 29, 2019 17:02
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*sees goatse* "I'M OUT!"
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Nov 29, 2019 17:09
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Jerry decides to rearrange his apartment. While moving the desk containing his Mac GS computer he discovers a false wall behind the desk. Curious, he slides the wall back...there’s a man inside, holding a bass guitar. They lock eyes... Flashback. Nighttime. Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry’s car. Jerry is driving. Kramer is in the passenger seat, clearly spooked. They pull into a remote area, park and get out of the car. Jerry opens the back door and retrieves two shovels, tossing one silently to Kramer. Kramer’s eyes bulge and he does a shake before breaking the earth with the shovel. *commercial break* We see the interior of a large rectangular hole. We hear a car trunk being slammed shut. From out of frame, the bodies of George and Elaine are thrown into the hole. Kramer throws a shovelful of dirt in the hole, but something makes him turn around. Jerry stands a pace behind him, pointing a handgun at his head. “But Jerry, why?” “The slap-bass, Kramer, the slap-bass. Thirty years, I go here, I go there, bumbuhnuh bum bum bum. It won’t stop!” “But Jerry, I hear it too! I hear it too!” Jerry pauses, a touch of sadness in his eyes. He thought his friends were the cause of his madness. He never thought to ask them if they shared his nightmare. It was too late now, though. He pulls the trigger. Kramer’s body does one final kramer and falls into the hole with the others. *commercial break* Back in Jerry’s apartment. Realization dawns on Jerry as he looks into the eyes of his tormentor. He blinks, once, and slides the false wall back in place. Maybe he won’t rearrange his apartment. No, it’s fine just as it is. He pushes the computer desk back into place. Cut to black. *slap bass solo*
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Nov 29, 2019 17:16
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*bass guitar riff, intro* [INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT] *Jerry and Kramer are milling about, mid-conversation when the buzzer sounds; Jerry walks over and pushes the intercom* J: Yeah? G: It's George. J: Come on up. *Jerry buzzes George in, then turns to Kramer* There's no way it's going to work. The building super is NEVER going to allow it. K: And why not? No skin off his nose! I just hook an air tank to the water line, run a little tubing, point it up and outside of the bowl... J: You can NOT install your own bidet, Kramer! You're not even a plumber! *audience laughter* K: Ah, it's all...fluid dynamics. It's simple. *waves away Jerry's rejection of his idea* *The door opens and George walks in with heavy footsteps, looking disheveled and exhausted; he is wearing clip-on sunglasses over his normal eyeglass frames* J: What in the world happened to YOU? G: I broke it off with Amber. Went to her place last night to get a few things. Couple magazines...left my toothbrush there... K: *regards George with slight disgust* You left your TOOTHBRUSH in a strange bathroom? *audience laughter* *George glares at Kramer from behind his sunglasses* G: THAT'S where you draw the line on hygiene? *Kramer shrugs and reaches into his pocket, busying himself with what appears to be a small length of nylon tubing. Jerry makes a face as he regards Kramer's actions, then turns back to George* J: So you broke it off with her. Okay, good for you. *George shrugs* J: She give you a hard time? You look like you haven't slept. G: Well...*shuffles uncomfortably*...She...wanted to sleep together, you know? One last time. K: *without looking up* Well, that was nice of her! *audience laughter* J: What, were you up all night drinking out of a paper bag too? Why are you wearing those sunglasses indoors? G: I want to, okay? It's empowering. J: Would you take those things off? G: No! *takes a step back, defensively* J: Come on! You look ridiculous. *George hesitates, reaches up to his glasses, and slowly unclips the sunglasses from his eyeglass frames. Jerry and Kramer recoil in horror from George's swollen, reddened left eye.* *all pause for audience reaction* J: Oh...my...God. K: Is that...is-that-is, uh... *George throws his hands into the air, letting them fall, resigned to his fate* G: IT'S PINKEYE, OKAY? I GOT PINKEYE! *audience laughter* *Jerry and Kramer slowly look at each other* K: You know...in some cultures, the eyeball is considered an erogenous zone. *audience laughter* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 17:19
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ElectricSheep posted:*bass guitar riff, intro* 
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Nov 29, 2019 18:41
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ITT goons plausibly reboot Seinfeld
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Nov 29, 2019 20:14
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Goldmine
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Nov 30, 2019 01:01
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 11:08 |
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Jerry: I see them, George! I see them! Over there against the dark, stormy sky. They are all there. The fake boobs and Jodi and the girl on the A.I.D.S. walk list and Meryl and Winona and Delores. And Love, the severe master, invites them to dance. He tells them to hold each other's hands and then they must tread the dance in a long row. And first goes the master with his man hands and talking belly button, but Delores dangles at the end with her lyre. They dance away from the dawn and it's a solemn dance towards the dark lands, while the rain washes their faces and cleans the salt of the tears from their cheeks. George: [smiling] You with your visions and dreams.
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Nov 30, 2019 02:26
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