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May 16, 2024 02:25
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- Rupert Buttermilk
- Apr 15, 2007
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🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...
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Jerry and his girlfriend Claire are hanging out at the apartment. They start making out, and Claire says she needs to use the bathroom. A few seconds later she comes walking out and says she needs to leave for an appointment she forgot. As she is leaving Kramer walks in. Kramer, and Jerry trade a few barbs then Kramer ask if he can use the bathroom. Kramer enters then comes running out of bathroom visibly disturbed.
Jerry: "Whats wrong with you"
Kramer: Big..big poo.
Jerry: What?!
Kramer: Your girlfriend Jerry (makes Kramer noises with wide eyes and holding hands out like showing size of a big fish)
Jerry: What are you trying to say? Out with it.
Kramer "Your lady friend left an enormous mud monkey in your toilet Jerry."
Jerry: Claire, noway she hardly eats.
Kramer: "Oh she eats."
Jerry: " I don't believe you." (Walks into bathroom immediately runs out like hes going to puke.")
(George enters apartment sees Jerry doubled over.)
George "Whats wrong with him?"
Kramer (Says nothing makes Kramer noises, and points toward bathroom)
(George walks into bathroom immediately runs out.)
George:"Mother of god what is that?"
Kramer: "Thats Claire."
George: "Jerry's new girl? But shes so petite."
Kramer: "Oh, its her"
George: " All of it?"
Kramer: "ALL OF IT!"
George: "What kind of monster is this woman?"
Jerry: "I don't think I want to find out."
(Elaine walks in just as Jerry delivers the line)
Elaine: "Find out what?"
(George Kramer and Jerry all look toward the bathroom. Elaine walks into bathroom comes running back out nauseated)
Elaine: "What was that?"
Jerry: "I don't know but I want it gone. It was peaking over the rim at me like one of the Ghoulies."
George: "Whats a Ghoulie?"
Jerry: "They were knock off monsters in a horror movie that tried to capitalize off of Gremlins."
George: "And they hung out in toilets?"
Jerry: "No, well at least not all of them."
Elaine:"Good cause the idea of a toilet monster is pretty dumb."
Jerry:"Really Elaine? Did you not just look in my toilet, because they seem pretty real to me right now."
George:"Wonder why she didn't flush?"
Kramer:"Maybe she forgot."
George:"Who forgets to flush a toilet?"
Kramer:"Maybe she got up to wash her hands then forgot to flush."
Elaine:"What kind of person gets up before they flush?"
Kramer:"I do."
Elaine:"Why?"
Kramer:"The toilet can be a very powerful piece of equipment Elaine. You do want to be around if something goes wrong when it start sucking."
Elaine:"I seriously doubt a person can get sucked down a toilet."
Kramer: "Not an entire person." (Kramer noises)
George:"What do you mean?"
Kramer:"My fried Bob Sacamano. He flsuhed sitting down once and the next thing he knew half his intestine was floating in a sewer under 42nd street!"
George:"That can happen?"
Kramer:"Oh it happened. luckily he was able to grab a pair of mustache scissors, and cut it off before he lost too much of it."
Jerry:"Can we get back to the topic at hand? What am I going to do about this?"
Elaine:"Well you gotta break it off with Claire."
Jerry:"Well thats obvious! I mean about my toilet."
Kramer:"Ive got a friend who runs bootleg German scat films out of a warehouse on the east side. I'll bet he'd pay you top dollar for a dung heap that size."
Jerry:"you really think so?"
Kramer:"Oh, I know so Jerry."
Anyway Kramer calls the guy. German guy shows up to Jerry apartment and buy the poo. German guy runs into Uncle Leo leaving the apartment. Jerry gets a call from his concerned mother. She thinks he is so broke he is doing weird poop based German porno.
Jerry goes to the cafe to confront Claire. Claire says the poo was in the toilet when she entered bathroom, that is why she left in a hurry. Jerry says doesn't believe her. They both leave angry, and decide to break up. On the way home from the dinner Uncle Leo runs into Claire, and warns her to stay away from Jerry, because he is having some kind of mental break down. Uncle Leo eventually spills the beans to her about Jerry selling his poo to German pornographers.
When Jerry gets home he finds out from Kramer that it was Newman who pooped in his toilet. Newman broke in and left a turd in Jerry's bathroom to get even with Jerry for not inviting him to watch the Knicks game the other night. Jerry is horrified and calls Claire to apologize. Claire, however is having none of it, and calls Jerry a sick man. She tells him that she knows his parents found out about him selling poop to the Germans. She says he is a disturbed psycho who is just trying to shift blame for his fecal escapades on other people.
Episode ends with Jerry doing some observational humor porta potties.
This is, truly and genuinely, one of the finest posts I've ever read during my time here on SA. I could picture it, I could hear it, and I could almost believe it.
I humbly request that you do at least one more, but of what, I don't know. Possible topics could be the printer story, pppppowerbook, or even goatse.
Goddamn, what a post.
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Nov 29, 2019 13:06
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- Rupert Buttermilk
- Apr 15, 2007
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🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...
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*bass guitar riff, intro*
[INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT]
*Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are all sitting around Jerry's coffee table*
G: *resigned tone* I think I'm gonna end it with her.
E: *casually* Is this the rear end girl?
G: *shoots her a look* Her NAME is Amber. And, YES... she does have a particular preference.
E: See, you're so hung up on this ONE thing. You of all people can NOT afford to be that picky.
*audience laughter*
*George's glare to Elaine intensifies*
E: Oh, relax. I'm just saying you need to be more...*gestures in the air*...sex-positive. Forward-thinking. Look to the future.
J: *with a slight note of triumph* Says the woman who uses discontinued contraceptive sponges.
*Elaine makes a face at Jerry*
K: You know, George...*leans forward* It's simply a matter of...*pauses for dramatic effect*...erogenous zones.
G: Erogenous zones?
K: Erogenous zones.
J: Sure, erogenous zones. Like, say...*motions to his crotch*...the general, GENITAL area...
G: Right, genital area...
E: There's always the nipple, that's a good one.
J: Small of the back, curve of the neck...
K: *startles suddenly in his chair from an idea* The earlobe!
*Elaine, George, and Jerry simultaneously* The earlobe. *all nod*
J: *matter-of-factly* The most PG of the erogenous zones.
*audience laughter*
G: Okay, okay. So how does...*hesitates*...IT qualify as an erogenous zone?
*Kramer bears a pensive expression, clearly thinking of an explanation on the spot*
K: Well...okay, how about this - you do your business in the mornings, right?
G: My business?
K: Yeah, your business! Drink your coffee, eat your muffin...*gestures to Jerry's bathroom* Do your business!
G: Oh. Well...yeah, of course. Who doesn't?
K: You feel better when you're done?
G: Of course I do.
K: *sagely* That's because you've engaged an erogenous zone.
G: ...I have?
K: Of COURSE you have! It's all tied together, man! It's science! Feels good leaving, you feel good after, there's no difference here! You've got to engage the erogenous zones, George!
*audience laughter*
G: *hesitant, somewhat in disbelief* So... would YOU do it if you were asked?
*Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer lean away from the table and sink further into their seats*
J: No.
E: Nuh-uh.
K: Nope.
*audience laughter*
*George drops his head in defeat*
*bass guitar riff, outro*
Not gonna lie... I need to know how this ends.
I mean, Kramer IS the rear end Man, so...
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Nov 29, 2019 16:48
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May 16, 2024 02:25
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Nov 28, 2019 13:35
