- Revins
- Nov 2, 2007
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tune the FM in to static and pretend that its the sea
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*Kramer shoots Jerry in the back of the skull the audience laughs as his brain matter cakes the lens and George screams in helpless terror as he knows he is next to be killed by Kramer who is also a virulent racist.*
Kramer: You know why this is happening George.
George: No please I dont know why Kramer why did you kill Jerry and his sweet, sweet munchable rear end in a top hat you BASTARD!?
Kramer: Simple George, because he posted images of my feet online, images which I know he himself masturbated to and intended to disseminate online for others to masturbate to.
George: Oh my god...
Kramer: These images were sent to Jerry, in confidence, to hopefully gain his assistance in identifying a podiatry related issue, namely that...
*He removes his socks and reveals his feet, they are normal feet, George thinks, but on closer inspection he sees the toes are now tiny penises, in fact, exact replicas of his very own tiny penis*
George: Oh god oh god. How? WHY?
Kramer: Why George? Because this is my curse, you would recall that I myself had received images you had forwarded to me of your very own penis, as a friend you requested that I peruse these images to help you with a phallic related issue, namely that...
*Kramer tears of George's pants, hanging between his legs is a tiny penis, but upon closer inspection the tiny penis's urethral opening is not the usual expected slit, but rather a tiny anus.*
George: My god that's... *George look's to Jerry's dead body*
Kramer: Yes, you are beginning to see now. You are beginning to understand.
*Kramer walks to Jerry's body and tears off his pants, George gasps*
Kramer: Yes George, the rear end in a top hat upon your very own penis is JERRY'S.
George: So that means your feet...
Kramer: Yes George, I had masturbated and disseminated your penis pictures you had sent to me in confidence, just as Jerry disseminated my feet across the world wide web, behold!
*He lifts up Jerry's luscious locks from what remains of his skull, there rests what at first glance appears to be normal ears, but are in fact exact replicas of...*
Kramer: Yes, George, you see, they are my...
George: Your feet...
Kramer: Yes... you see now.
George: Oh... my god...
Kramer: And you see George, there lies his crime, my crime, YOUR crime, for the evidence reveals that Jerry had sent you images of HIS anus for you to peruse for reasons of anus related maladies, namely that...
*They look to Jerry's bare bottom and his exposed anus, which appears as any other anus, but on closer inspection...*
George: *Gasps with extreme terror*
Kramer: YES GEORGE! It is our three faces, arranged like Mount Rushmore with an assembly of ANAL POLYPS that reveal the source of the curse, our unholy triad, our broken friendship of cruelty and evil! We damned ourselves to this fate you see? We are poo poo people, we do poo poo things to each other. It is our nature, and so God has chosen to destroy us utilizing the very mechanism we lack the most. Trust. That is why this happens because you George had done just as we.
George: Yes, yes! My god yes god forgive me, I had masturbated to and disseminated online images of Jerry's anus for others to do the same! Oh god please forgive me and save my immortal soul.
Kramer: Oh George, don't you know? We can ask the man for forgiveness our very selves in just a moment.
George: *Sobs*
*Kramer slides to George with his knees at an angle, he effortlessly blows George's head apart and then points the gun to his own skull as George's body flops to the ground*
Kramer: Arrivederci New York!
*A flash of light as his skull explodes, there is a brief silence as the lights dim, the audience is heard laughing in the background.
The credits roll.
Cue: The Seinfeld Theme*
Badump bum buh buh, buuuhhh tickety wuh
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Nov 28, 2019 06:37
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May 16, 2024 03:48
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- Revins
- Nov 2, 2007
-
tune the FM in to static and pretend that its the sea
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*bass guitar riff, intro*
[INT - MONK'S CAFE]
*Jerry, George, and Elaine are seated at a booth*
*Jerry checks his cell phone, sighs*
J: Listen, I gotta get going in a few minutes, I got that Tinder date in an hour.
E: You sound so excited. You're definitely gettin' lucky with THAT attitude.
*audience laughter*
J: Ugh. No, I just don't think we have anything in common is all.
G: Lemme see? *motions to Jerry's phone*
J: Hold on, hold on...*taps his phone as if to open an app, hands it to George*
*George raises his eyebrows in slight approval and nods, then passes the phone to Elaine*
E: *raises her eyebrows approvingly, then passes the phone back to Jerry* Huh. She looks all right. What's the problem?
J: I accidentally swiped her.
E: You ACCIDENTALLY swiped her?
J: *repeating, annoyed* I accidentally swiped her! She's an accidental swipe!
*audience laughter*
E: *narrows eyes* How do you ACCIDENTALLY swipe someone on Tinder?
J: I don't know, I just...*gestures*...there was something on my phone screen, and I went to brush it off, and the next thing you know I swiped right!
G: You swiped right?
J: I swiped right!
*audience laughter*
E: See, here's what I don't get. *takes a sip of her coffee* Dating is a numbers game, right?
J: *leans back in the booth a little* Go on.
E: Why in the world wouldn't you just swipe right on EVERYONE *pantomimes swiping a phone screen* to, you know...increase the odds?
J: *huffily, with a disgusted look* Elaine, I have some standards. *turns to George* You think a guy should just go desperately swiping right on EVERY girl on Tinder?
G: *gaze shifts nervously* ...N-no....
*audience laughter*
J: *to Elaine* See, there you go.
E: All right, all right. So what didn't you like about her?
J: Ah, I don't know. *waves a hand dismissively* Just something about the picture...the lighting, and the stuff she wrote just seemed kind of BLAH...
E: *shakes her head* All right, whatever. So let me get this straight...*sips her coffee again*...even though you ACCIDENTALLY swiped this woman, and it turns out she matched you, you still set up a date?
J: *defensively* She texted me! It was awkward! How do you tell someone they're an accidental swipe?
G: *mutters* Wish I knew.
*audience laughter*
*bass guitar riff, outro*
This is perfection
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Dec 1, 2019 23:35
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Nov 28, 2019 06:37
