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*gets printer slapped out of his hands by two large, intimidating, yet very effeminate men* We're taking the printer and that's all there is to it. Oh-kay?
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Nov 27, 2019 21:57
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 11:04 |
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*bass guitar riff, intro* G: She's a great girl, terrific girl. Real people person, real patient. J: *matter-of-factly, with a meaningful look at George* Well, I think she'd have to be. *audience laughter* G: *glares at Jerry* Ha ha. *George walks to the sink and pours himself a glass of water* J: So, you think this girl is something special then. G: Well...*hesitates, putting his full water glass down and squinting pensively* There is...ONE thing... J: Go on. G: She, ah...*adjusts his glasses* She likes certain...things in the bedroom that I'm still getting used to. J: *mischievously* Ohhhh, you sly dog you. I fail to see how this is a problem. G: Jerry...*takes a breath, measuring his words* She...*leans in confidentially* She likes to have her...rear end...eaten. J: *blinks, surprised* She likes to have her rear end...EATEN? G: *louder and slightly stressed* She likes to have her rear end eaten! *audience laughter* J: Is she...doesn't she like it when...*points at his crotch* G: Well, yeah! But I was down there one night, and she rolls over and says "I want you to eat it" and now I'm on the spot! *George is agitated, his voice louder* I'm on the spot, and she's on all fours and IT'S starin' me RIGHT in the face!! *audience laughter* J: IT'S staring you in the face? *strongly emphasizing the *it* G: *frantic* IT'S STARING ME IN THE FACE, JERRY!! *audience laughter* J: So don't do it if you don't like it! G: *his expression changes, voice becoming deadly serious* And put the SEX at risk? *audience laughter* *Kramer slides into the apartment* K: Eh, giddy-up. *gestures into the air, pauses for audience reaction* K: *regards George* What's wrong with you? J: Eh, his new girlfriend likes to have her...*pauses, as though trying out a phrase in a foreign language*...rear end eaten? K: Ah, yes! Analingus. *his eyes light up in recognition and appreciation* It's a lost art, Jerry. You know, in some countries it's a declaration of great intimacy between partners. J: *brightly* Oh, so you've done it before. K: *shivers, expression shifting immediately* No, no-no-no. Not for me. I'm not risking pinkeye, Jerry. *audience laughter* *George glowers in the corner of the kitchen, taking a drink of water and swishing it in his mouth enthusiastically before spitting it in the sink* *audience laughter* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 15:25
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*bass guitar riff, intro* [INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT] *Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are all sitting around Jerry's coffee table* G: *resigned tone* I think I'm gonna end it with her. E: *casually* Is this the rear end girl? G: *shoots her a look* Her NAME is Amber. And, YES... she does have a particular preference. E: See, you're so hung up on this ONE thing. You of all people can NOT afford to be that picky. *audience laughter* *George's glare to Elaine intensifies* E: Oh, relax. I'm just saying you need to be more...*gestures in the air*...sex-positive. Forward-thinking. Look to the future. J: *with a slight note of triumph* Says the woman who uses discontinued contraceptive sponges. *Elaine makes a face at Jerry* K: You know, George...*leans forward* It's simply a matter of...*pauses for dramatic effect*...erogenous zones. G: Erogenous zones? K: Erogenous zones. J: Sure, erogenous zones. Like, say...*motions to his crotch*...the general, GENITAL area... G: Right, genital area... E: There's always the nipple, that's a good one. J: Small of the back, curve of the neck... K: *startles suddenly in his chair from an idea* The earlobe! *Elaine, George, and Jerry simultaneously* The earlobe. *all nod* J: *matter-of-factly* The most PG of the erogenous zones. *audience laughter* G: Okay, okay. So how does...*hesitates*...IT qualify as an erogenous zone? *Kramer bears a pensive expression, clearly thinking of an explanation on the spot* K: Well...okay, how about this - you do your business in the mornings, right? G: My business? K: Yeah, your business! Drink your coffee, eat your muffin...*gestures to Jerry's bathroom* Do your business! G: Oh. Well...yeah, of course. Who doesn't? K: You feel better when you're done? G: Of course I do. K: *sagely* That's because you've engaged an erogenous zone. G: ...I have? K: Of COURSE you have! It's all tied together, man! It's science! Feels good leaving, you feel good after, there's no difference here! You've got to engage the erogenous zones, George! *audience laughter* G: *hesitant, somewhat in disbelief* So... would YOU do it if you were asked? *Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer lean away from the table and sink further into their seats* J: No. E: Nuh-uh. K: Nope. *audience laughter* *George drops his head in defeat* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 16:38
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*bass guitar riff, intro* [INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT] *Jerry and Kramer are milling about, mid-conversation when the buzzer sounds; Jerry walks over and pushes the intercom* J: Yeah? G: It's George. J: Come on up. *Jerry buzzes George in, then turns to Kramer* There's no way it's going to work. The building super is NEVER going to allow it. K: And why not? No skin off his nose! I just hook an air tank to the water line, run a little tubing, point it up and outside of the bowl... J: You can NOT install your own bidet, Kramer! You're not even a plumber! *audience laughter* K: Ah, it's all...fluid dynamics. It's simple. *waves away Jerry's rejection of his idea* *The door opens and George walks in with heavy footsteps, looking disheveled and exhausted; he is wearing clip-on sunglasses over his normal eyeglass frames* J: What in the world happened to YOU? G: I broke it off with Amber. Went to her place last night to get a few things. Couple magazines...left my toothbrush there... K: *regards George with slight disgust* You left your TOOTHBRUSH in a strange bathroom? *audience laughter* *George glares at Kramer from behind his sunglasses* G: THAT'S where you draw the line on hygiene? *Kramer shrugs and reaches into his pocket, busying himself with what appears to be a small length of nylon tubing. Jerry makes a face as he regards Kramer's actions, then turns back to George* J: So you broke it off with her. Okay, good for you. *George shrugs* J: She give you a hard time? You look like you haven't slept. G: Well...*shuffles uncomfortably*...She...wanted to sleep together, you know? One last time. K: *without looking up* Well, that was nice of her! *audience laughter* J: What, were you up all night drinking out of a paper bag too? Why are you wearing those sunglasses indoors? G: I want to, okay? It's empowering. J: Would you take those things off? G: No! *takes a step back, defensively* J: Come on! You look ridiculous. *George hesitates, reaches up to his glasses, and slowly unclips the sunglasses from his eyeglass frames. Jerry and Kramer recoil in horror from George's swollen, reddened left eye.* *all pause for audience reaction* J: Oh...my...God. K: Is that...is-that-is, uh... *George throws his hands into the air, letting them fall, resigned to his fate* G: IT'S PINKEYE, OKAY? I GOT PINKEYE! *audience laughter* *Jerry and Kramer slowly look at each other* K: You know...in some cultures, the eyeball is considered an erogenous zone. *audience laughter* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Nov 29, 2019 17:19
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*bass guitar riff, intro* [INT - MONK'S CAFE] *Jerry, George, and Elaine are seated at a booth* *Jerry checks his cell phone, sighs* J: Listen, I gotta get going in a few minutes, I got that Tinder date in an hour. E: You sound so excited. You're definitely gettin' lucky with THAT attitude. *audience laughter* J: Ugh. No, I just don't think we have anything in common is all. G: Lemme see? *motions to Jerry's phone* J: Hold on, hold on...*taps his phone as if to open an app, hands it to George* *George raises his eyebrows in slight approval and nods, then passes the phone to Elaine* E: *raises her eyebrows approvingly, then passes the phone back to Jerry* Huh. She looks all right. What's the problem? J: I accidentally swiped her. E: You ACCIDENTALLY swiped her? J: *repeating, annoyed* I accidentally swiped her! She's an accidental swipe! *audience laughter* E: *narrows eyes* How do you ACCIDENTALLY swipe someone on Tinder? J: I don't know, I just...*gestures*...there was something on my phone screen, and I went to brush it off, and the next thing you know I swiped right! G: You swiped right? J: I swiped right! *audience laughter* E: See, here's what I don't get. *takes a sip of her coffee* Dating is a numbers game, right? J: *leans back in the booth a little* Go on. E: Why in the world wouldn't you just swipe right on EVERYONE *pantomimes swiping a phone screen* to, you know...increase the odds? J: *huffily, with a disgusted look* Elaine, I have some standards. *turns to George* You think a guy should just go desperately swiping right on EVERY girl on Tinder? G: *gaze shifts nervously* ...N-no.... *audience laughter* J: *to Elaine* See, there you go. E: All right, all right. So what didn't you like about her? J: Ah, I don't know. *waves a hand dismissively* Just something about the picture...the lighting, and the stuff she wrote just seemed kind of BLAH... E: *shakes her head* All right, whatever. So let me get this straight...*sips her coffee again*...even though you ACCIDENTALLY swiped this woman, and it turns out she matched you, you still set up a date? J: *defensively* She texted me! It was awkward! How do you tell someone they're an accidental swipe? G: *mutters* Wish I knew. *audience laughter* *bass guitar riff, outro*
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Dec 1, 2019 20:39
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