- vanisher
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What if Santa is like an accountant who absolutely hates his job and its tax season coming up except its santa and christmas not the accountant thing
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Dec 2, 2019 18:49
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 29, 2024 11:26
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- vanisher
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"Christ this jacket is disgusting, but you cant just wash a fur coat in the laundry machine. I'll just febreeze it again"
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Dec 2, 2019 18:51
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- vanisher
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Oh my god I just cant handle reading all the letters again. They know its the parents, right? Can this be delegated to an elf maybe?
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Dec 2, 2019 18:54
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- vanisher
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**Santa shits down another chimney**
Lookit me, everyone! I'm makin' COAL!!
lmbo
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Dec 2, 2019 19:03
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- vanisher
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Disney just released the film its not going on their new streaming service for at least like, 6 months? I dont know. They control the release schedule, can we get some kind of psa out on the radio? What? Kids don't listen to the radio?
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Dec 2, 2019 19:07
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- vanisher
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What in the hell is Fortnight just tell these kids to build their forts out of pillows they have in the house already.
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Dec 2, 2019 19:09
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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got a whole bag of misdirected mail addressed to SATAN
guess i'll get the dyslexic kids something that doesn't require a lot of reading
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Dec 2, 2019 20:56
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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sleigh's turn signals have been broken for the last 3 years, but you almost never see cops out that late on christmas eve
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Dec 2, 2019 20:58
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- nut
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goddamn that's the stuff
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Dec 2, 2019 21:03
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- Pot Smoke Phoenix
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Smoke 'em if you gottem!
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You are awakened in the middle of the night. You realize it's Christmas Eve...
You roll over, and you see it's Santa, gently nudging you.
"Hey, you got anything stronger than MILK?
Mrs. Claus is always busting my jingle bells about watching my health and all that, I get out ONE TIME a year, you think you and me could hit up the liquor cabinet?"
The gleam in his eye is full of mischief, you and Santa go out on the town for a night neither of you (and society) will ever forget because you share your stash, get tore up and even get the reindeer high. Rudolph's nose ain't glowing from no Christmas magic! He's so drunk Mrs. Claus is going to kick both of your asses tomorrow, but let's forget about tomorrow, let's do it tonight! Give your everything and give Pitbull and Neyo somethin' to sing about, dale!
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Dec 2, 2019 21:03
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- nut
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sends all the kids Bed Bath and Beyond 20$ gift cards he picked up at CVS while buying red and green jujubes
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Dec 2, 2019 21:04
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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hires a mckinsey consultant to use predictive AI to build the naughty/nice list with 98% accuracy
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Dec 2, 2019 21:11
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- google THIS
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Look Santa's really busy and doesn't have time to read all the letters, so they're all run through a digital reader first, and if there are typos or improper formatting or if certain keywords are not present it gets instantly rejected. Sign up for my 90-day Letter to Santa writing course to learn more.
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Dec 2, 2019 22:07
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- google THIS
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Making sure my suit is wrinkle free, sitting down firmly but not too firmly in Santa's lap while making eye contact, oh god he's already looking disinterested how do I salvage this? Think, think!
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Dec 2, 2019 22:09
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- google THIS
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"What was my naughtiest moment this year? Well, one time I was concentrating SO hard on being nice to my little brother that I forgot to take out the trash."
"Look kid, I got a headache, what do you freaking want for Christmas?"
(extremely flustered) "Aren't...aren't you going to contact my references before making an offer?"
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Dec 2, 2019 22:13
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- Escape From Noise
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Santa reaches career burnout and moves to Hawaii to open a bar but with no real experience in the adult market sector it folds quickly and he becomes a beach bum.
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Dec 2, 2019 22:17
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- vanisher
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Keeps telling his wife this is the worst christmas season of his career every year
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Dec 2, 2019 22:40
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- vanisher
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Hey, listen here little elf. You're a good worker. I cant run this place forever, and ill need to retire eventually. I want you to take it over for me. Ive amassed a substantial client list, and I'll sell you the practice. I'll need residuals for a couple years, let's say maybe one out of three cookies?
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Dec 2, 2019 22:43
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- vanisher
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"What? 'Bring toon town back'? Come on kid they are planning on opening two new rides for star wars land in 2020 give it a chance."
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Dec 2, 2019 22:46
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- vanisher
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Santas mile long stare with semitransparent images of the flying sleigh superimposed
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Dec 2, 2019 23:17
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- FutonForensic
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"What? 'Bring toon town back'? Come on kid they are planning on opening two new rides for star wars land in 2020 give it a chance."
 
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Dec 2, 2019 23:26
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- vanisher
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Oh man a yo-yo? What kind of nerd kid asks for a yo-yo. Oh my god I cant breathe.
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Dec 2, 2019 23:32
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- nut
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hatchimal? like the pokemon? you want to hatchimal? sorry i don't do accents
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Dec 2, 2019 23:34
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- vanisher
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Needs therapy after reading the naughty list.
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Dec 3, 2019 01:04
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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is a big pervert and uses his ability to see you when you're sleeping and awake entirely voyeuristically on adults
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Dec 3, 2019 01:52
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- Mr. Dick
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by Cyrano4747
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Santa shows up, spends 8 hours delivering 3 toys, goes home, drinks boxed wine.
----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Dec 3, 2019 03:30
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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You know what would be funny is if Santa had to stop somewhere on his route to take a poo poo
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Dec 3, 2019 04:00
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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Imagine this: Santa at the comedy club.
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Dec 3, 2019 04:02
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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I just flew in from Chicago. No joke there. It's easy to do on my sleigh. Ho ho ho!
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Dec 3, 2019 04:03
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- alnilam
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Nerdy fan following washed up, raggedy Santa at ChristmasCon like how Justin Long keeps talking to Tim Allen at the beginning of galaxy quest: but sir, what I found in my own original research
Santa: yeah
Nerd: is that the so called elves really seem to be gnomes according to most existing mythologies
Santa: uh huh
Nerd: so what i was wondering was is that a mis translation, or a mistake, or, and this is really my favorite theory, are they really just something completely different?
Santa, apathetically while turning to leave: yeah uhh they're the other one you said. gnomes.
Nerd: fascinating! but sir, could I ask one more
Santa, already walking away and lighting a cig: ho ho ho, kid
ty manifisto
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Dec 3, 2019 04:09
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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#
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Apr 29, 2024 11:26
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- google THIS
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Buys the CliffsNotes on the list and skims it one and a half times.
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Dec 3, 2019 04:10
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Dec 2, 2019 18:49
