UKMT January 2020 - Jess Flops - The Something Awful Forums

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Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Merry new year you commies!

By which I mean comrades :toot:

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 01:40

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 08:56

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

I want to plug the Discord. My first message there was just:

Me posted:

Hello. Excellentness to all. I don't expect to be particularly active here but hey, here I am

I was totally wrong about that, because it's a great supportive environment where you can shoot the poo poo with good people. It's basically a load of nice people being nice to each other in silly ways and being there for each other. If you like nice people, you should get in there!

LINK - link also maintained in the first post of UKMT threads.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 13:55

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Your Honour I think it's reasonable to say the air quotes were implied.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 19:18

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

It was satire! It was satire!

*Does not understand what satire is and in fact is the subject of it*

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 19:42

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Guavanaut posted:

I was going to make a joke yesterday that he would eventually just come out and say "hell yeah I molest my own kids, u mad jews" and stand there beaming with pride and expecting applause but figured it far fetched and in poor taste.

Reality continues to surpass farce. Strong start to 2020.

Yes, I have the same thing sometimes. Getting pipped by reality itself

The Jolyon Maugham fox thing felt like that. I assumed it was a joke and thought "Eh, it's not really connected enough to past events to be a good joke."

But it was real.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 20:15

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Pesky Splinter posted:

https://twitter.com/gilescoren/status/1212370333602369536

Just another day in the very normal life of Giles Coren in AD 2020.
(Screencapped incase he deletes it).

And it's gone!

Angry Giles realises he done goofed but it only makes him angrier.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 21:22

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

PawParole posted:

https://twitter.com/ToryFibs/status/1212345961877581824

Celebrity mud wrestling.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 21:46

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Endorse Jess Phillips, Jezza.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 22:34

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

We have decided who we would like you to elect, please.

# ¿ Jan 1, 2020 23:42

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Camrath posted:

Greetings comrades!

Well, the christmas period is over, we're staring at the cold grey start of a new year, we're stuck with tories for the next five years.. Times like this call for something to lighten the mood and bring a little pleasure into our lives.

You know what's really good for that? Fudge.

After a brilliant response in December I'm now open for new orders, including a special Goon/UKMT only flavour again. If you'd like to try out some delicious handmade socialist fudge, then please drop me a PM here or send an email to fudjit.orders@gmail.com. And again, thank you to all the kind souls who placed an order last month!

Flavours on offer for January are:

* Vanilla - The original delicious recipe.

* Milk Chocolate - Rich and creamy, made with Cadburys Dairy Milk

* Sea-salt - A delicious contrast of sweet and salty flavours, made with high quality sea-salt flakes

* Unicorn Barf - Fudge paired with marshmallows, decorated with sparkly unicorns!

* Strawberries and Cream - Extra rich fudge made with cornish clotted cream, topped with freeze dried strawberries for a delicious sweet/tart combination.

* Malted Milk Ball - Vanilla fudge embedded through and through with chocolate coated malted milk balls. A malty teaser!

And the special Goon flavour-

* Billionaires Shot-Dead - A twist on millionaire's shortbread; we upped the fudge content by a frankly ridiculous factor. Smooth vanilla fudge with crushed shortbread laced through it, then topped off with a layer of chocolate. Just the sort of thing to boost your energy levels for the struggles to come.

Fudge is available in 100g bags at �3.50 each, or in 500g selection boxes for �15

Orders will be shipped out 1st class on January 23rd; postage for up to 1kg will be �3.55, and will be calculated per order on larger shipments.

Thanks for your attention and custom.

There's a gap in the market for backside beans fudge IMO

Congrats on yer fudge business. I hear tell it's good fudge

# ¿ Jan 2, 2020 14:13

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

JeremoudCorbynejad posted:

On the subject of jobseeking, BBC worklife has an article

Is Sweden the best place to lose your job?

The government doesn’t get involved, so how does this work?

Oh. No unions please, we’re british

But the UK also has a transition system, where you transition into a Deliveroo cyclist

Get a job before we give you any back-to-work support, slacker!

Excellent, now you don't need the support. Another success.

Oh you lost that one too? Get on your bike!

# ¿ Jan 2, 2020 14:19

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Guavanaut posted:

Same way you develop alternative philosophies when most philosophy was only possible because of monstrous acts.

On the shoulders of assholes.

Wouldn't that be the hips?

# ¿ Jan 2, 2020 21:17

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

goddamnedtwisto posted:

The Graun seems very nervous about the idea of people boycotting newspapers for printing utter bullshit for some reason

Your futile misguided protest will have no effect and you are silly for thinking it will. As an alternative, try doing nothing and voting with your feet by reading the Guardian.

# ¿ Jan 2, 2020 21:19

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

The Heil posted:

EU must get real: In just weeks the EU will lose 10% of its income, 12% of its population, and 13% of its total GDP � because Britain is leaving... so it's time for them to be realistic about a trade deal, writes DOMINIC SANDBROOK

Even now, with exactly four weeks to go until we leave the EU, some people are still in denial.

Yes that's the first sentence. No it's not referring to the headline.

quote:

Brexit, European Commission vice-president Frans Timmermans declared a few days ago, was �unnecessary�, and Britain would �always be welcome to come back�.

His words were met with wild applause from the dwindling band of unreconciled Remainers.

But in the wake of the General Election, almost all sane observers can see that the battle is over. At the end of this month, we will be out.

Although the past three years have seen torrents of ink spilled about the implications for Britain, there has been very little commentary about the consequences for the EU. [Except every loving article you run claiming the EU needs us more than we need them.]

And although ultra-Remainers like to pretend that any costs will be entirely one-way, the reality is rather different. [ironicat.gif]

On January 31, the EU will lose its second-largest economy, after Germany, and the fifth-largest economy in the world, representing about 13 per cent of its total GDP. It will lose its third most populous state, its most important military power and a significant source of diplomatic and cultural influence.

It will lose some �20 billion (�17 billion) a year in budget funding � about a tenth of its total income. The EU will also lose 12 per cent of its population, and its single largest, most dynamic city � London.

Lizard must wise up, it's about to lose 12 per cent of its bodyweight when its tail drops off, says tail.

quote:

For the past few years its negotiators told themselves British resolve would weaken eventually.

They spent months talking to arch-Remainers like Tony Blair, Lord Mandelson and Nick Clegg, who assured them that, in the end, the Leavers would blink and the Tories would be booted out of office.

In particular, EU insiders convinced themselves that former Commons Speaker, John Bercow, and his allies would see off Boris Johnson�s premiership, take control of Parliament and push through a second referendum, perhaps aided by the Labour Party. Soon, they said, the Brexit nightmare would be over.

Well, we know how that worked out. They had not taken into account the most immovable obstacle of all: the will of the British people.

So now the EU finds itself in an unprecedented situation, facing a newly elected Prime Minister with a whopping majority and a popular mandate to get the whole business done and dusted as quickly and ruthlessly as possible.

We've got our stabbed in the back myth, I think.

quote:

Britain is not going away. Indeed, most economic forecasts predict that, by the second half of the century, it will overtake Germany as the Continent�s most dynamic economy.

That's not what I've been hearing...

quote:

So it would make no sense for the EU to alienate an important trading partner by fighting over tiny details. Do countries like France, Germany, Holland and Ireland really want to leave their closest ally seething with resentment?

So unlike the previous decades of the UK seething with resentment inside the EU?

quote:

The most sensible thing, therefore, would be for the EU to give us a generous deal as quickly as possible. And if its negotiators need inspiration from history, they should look to Britain�s own record of far-sighted compromise.

As historians have pointed out, there is a precedent in the deal Britain offered its rebellious colonies after the American War of Independence in 1783, giving U.S. ships access to British ports and opening up vast areas of territory to U.S. expansion.

The deal was very unpopular with many British politicians, who thought we were giving too much away. But in the long run it worked to our advantage.

The U.S. was born in a spirit of optimism, rather than resentment, which made it much easier to rebuild our friendship.

Yeah we were best buds right after that war for independence they had with us. That's how it always goes. 1812? What happened in 1812?

Also, giving stuff away to America is good! Just preparing the ground for something...

quote:

Other post-imperial nations, such as Canada, Australia and New Zealand, were born in a similar spirit, which explains why our ties remain so close.

Just the white places.

quote:

And there is an even more striking example in South Africa, where Britain and the Dutch-speaking Boers fought a vicious war from 1899 to 1902.

Not only did the victorious British hand the Boers millions to rebuild their towns and cities, but we gave them self-government within five years and allowed South Africa to become an independent dominion in 1910, ruled by men who had once led the Boer armies.

As so often, such a fair-minded, far-sighted policy paid for itself. Within just a few years, South Africa�s fighting men were contributing bravely to the Allied effort in World War I, standing alongside the very men who had once been their enemies.

Whoa, okay, and the REALLY white place. This is all the article says about South Africa. You'd think there would be some other important things to mention.

quote:

I realise, of course, such generosity of spirit may stick in the craw of some Europeans.

...

In the long run, it will suit nobody in France and Germany to have a sulky, disaffected neighbour across the Channel, plotting revenge on its old partners.

...

Indeed, if we can leave with a decent deal, then within a few years our relations with Paris, Berlin and Brussels will probably be better than ever.

What, after all, is the alternative? Years of bickering and backbiting? How on earth would that be in Europe�s interests?

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 01:05

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

https://twitter.com/timhpcc/status/1212748865541197827

Oh look Jess, assisting in smearing the left will not save you from being the target of similar smears and moronic takes after all!

The argument is basically "Jess Phillips' conduct is unbecoming of a ~~woman~~ MP and also I assume she's one of those horrible lefties."

There's also a lot of poo poo in the replies about her appearance. Scruffy and needs to wash her hair, apparently. Bit of a theme.

Here's a particularly :psyduck:

one:

https://twitter.com/Nicolac88612909/status/1212803893794627584

https://twitter.com/Jackie___P/status/1212779415488339968

Oh look Jess, trying to use that to say "But I'm smarter and more reasonable than that and can work with others" got turned around against you!

https://twitter.com/spriggs_billy/status/1212682915492044801

Oh look Jess, you're part of the Leftwaffe now!

https://twitter.com/drusincmur/status/1212688624866623490

Oh look Jess, throwing Diane Abbott under the bus doesn't save you from the same fate at the hands of mysogynists!

Well done Jess! :thumbsup:

Braggart fucked around with this message at 14:18 on Jan 3, 2020

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 14:16

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Workfare as an unpaid PMC.

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 14:36

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

OwlFancier posted:

If you're on JSA for more than three weeks you have to provide evidence of at least 5 iranian soldiers killed per week or you face sanctions.

The BBC reports that there are claims that some workfare PMCs were mistakenly classified as ISIL combatants and sanctioned and blown up, but the Tories say that's an exaggeration at best so everything's okay.

Also when it happens again.

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 14:39

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

"You know, I was raised to hate cats, but you seem pretty alright!" said Jessflips the upwardly mobile mouse.

"Why thank you," said Rees the Mogg. "You're quite captivating yourself. Frankly delicious company."

"Oh you're so sweet. I don't get why everyone says you're a oval office, you've been polite and gentlemanly to me! And every mouse we met on our walk, though they did all seem to disappear very suddenly. I guess they were in a hurry!"

"MMGGGHMGGMGMMM Oh excuse me I was picking fur out of my teeth. Yes, I really think there's an unfortunate tendency towards intolerance of alternative views on the left. They won't accept that a cat could have something of value to say."

"Yeah, my whole family was like, don't go near cats they'll eat you and they'll play with you first cos they're cunts, and I was like psshh nah everyone loves me and I'm a bridge builder. And I was right about you! Guess I'm just smarter than everyone else."

"Yes, you most certainly are..." said Rees the Mogg, advancing and licking his chops.

Edit: Number 11 in my new book of centrist fairy tales.

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 14:52

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Also in my new book of centrist fairy tales, The Boy Who Cried Corbyn:

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 15:21

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

CONTROLS ON BRITAIN

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 15:34

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

ThomasPaine posted:

In other news, HIGNFY is hot garbage and I'm embarrassed that I ever used to laugh at their sneering bullshit

https://twitter.com/haveigotnews/status/1212686086767620096?s=19

I say I say! Did you hear about the pleb child who fell into a mixing vat the other day?

Oh goodness, what a mix-up!

No don't worry, it made their gruel slightly more nutritious! ROFL HONK HONK HONK

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 16:26

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

I've read all the Clancy novels.

You're hired! :trumpsmug:

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 17:57

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

How dare Jeremy Corbyn comment on the annexation of the Sudetenland when he himself is a Czech spy!

# ¿ Jan 4, 2020 12:50

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Conservatives: The media is biased against us.

The media: There does seem to be a media bias against the Conservatives, we agree.

# ¿ Jan 5, 2020 12:23

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Darth Walrus posted:

https://twitter.com/tnewtondunn/status/1213757203020169219?s=21

lol

https://twitter.com/PeterMatza/status/1213757578653634560

Fewer people use trains than drink water, therefore nationalising the trains is unjustified.

Edit: She's still too close to Corbyn IMO.

Braggart fucked around with this message at 16:14 on Jan 5, 2020

# ¿ Jan 5, 2020 16:10

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

If we assume that the last three elections were identical in all regards, we can conclude that double eggs best.

Bring on the eggstone.

Braggart fucked around with this message at 10:02 on Jan 6, 2020

# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 09:59

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

radmonger posted:

I think you are getting the logic of the metaphor backwards.Some people want egg and chips, and for them double egg and chips is a good deal.

But no amount of extra egg is going to reach the people who want bacon, or beans, or for the cafe to be open earlier, or for the cook to have a few less visible stains on his apron.

And none of that means reducing the amount of egg and chips on offer.

Or in other words, Labour�s economic policies are more or less right; it�s the other stuff that needs work.

I think you're giving the original metaphor too much credit. It goes "egg and chips went down badly in 2015, double well in 2017 and triple badly in 2019, so we should not offer quadruple next time"

I'm saying that the conditions of the elections were different enough to make that a stupidly simplistic analysis.

And I'm not at all sure what you mean by your extension of the metaphor. Are you making an argument of your own?

# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 10:59

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Guavanaut posted:

So we need someone more willing to engage in anti-Muslim rhetoric, knows where beans go (up council), and doesn't have a beard?

Hang on, hang on a sec, just fetching my latest policy...

Ah, here we go! New stools for schools!

# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 11:11

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

radmonger posted:

The cafe is the Labour Party, the customers are voters, and egg and chips are policies that are liked by the working class without putting off anyone else. Bacon is racism. Beans are the mysterious missing ingredient.

And if would say saying that we do have enough information to predict that offering quadruple egg and chips, and making no other changes, will be a losing strategy. Admittedly, It probably won�t lose as badly as taking egg and chips off the menu and serving quiche. But to actually win, we need to find the beans

Have you looked up your backside?

# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 11:34

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Boris is being the statesman here. He's calmly remaining above it all and deliberating on his next move.

# ¿ Jan 7, 2020 11:20

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Useful idiot outlives usefulness.

# ¿ Jan 7, 2020 15:18

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Looks like nobody else is willing to do the hard work to become Prime Minister, or even wants to be PM at all. I'm voting JessFlips.

Campaign slogan: I want it. Gimme.

Edit: Jess immediately backtracks on wanting to be Prime Minister in painful TV interview.

# ¿ Jan 8, 2020 20:21

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

OwlFancier posted:

I vaguely remember when I was younger getting some books from a series I think called the well of echoes, some fantasy thing that seemed interesting except for the fact that the books kept going off onto really weird sex tangents like where this dude has a super hard on for a hypersensitive nymph girl or something that can't wear clothes, and also there's... lion men or something, and I think they bang too, and I vaguely remember there being breeding factories which are basically brothels for producing children...

Like the actualy fantasy parts were interesting but I stopped reading because the author kept taking time out every chapter to have a big weird wank.

Unreliable narrator of a different sort.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2020 15:29

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Junior G-man posted:

Love to see the British press going like "Harry the bachelor was such a fun guy with strippers and Nazi outfits, but now that he seems to have become an adult with a (funny-tinged) wife and is interested in climate change he sucks".

It's just demented to see: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/jan/09/queens-fury-what-the-papers-said-about-duke-and-duchess-of-sussex-bombshell

So like, is this worse than Boris lying to the Queen to prorogue parliament?

# ¿ Jan 9, 2020 15:36

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

stev posted:

Colour me shocked as gently caress that this is the first reply:

https://twitter.com/Fifi_Borgia/status/1215304657163227136

https://twitter.com/AyamasMerah/status/1215361676259676161

# ¿ Jan 10, 2020 17:01

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Leftists and unsubtle Nazis need watching.

# ¿ Jan 10, 2020 18:15

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

https://twitter.com/Gabriel_Pogrund/status/1218639360637038592

"Bercow was 1st Speaker not to enter the Lords upon resigning for 230 yrs"

"He and Murphy are subject to longstanding "bullying" claims (denied by both) and are wildly controversial nominations"

Uh huh. Apparently it's controversial to continue a 230-year tradition, but not controversial to break it. Could Bercow be a controversial pick because the Tories and the press hate him? What do you think, Sunday Times politics and investigations reporter Gabriel Pogrund?

# ¿ Jan 19, 2020 12:54

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Gonzo McFee posted:

https://twitter.com/DailyMailUK/status/1218867687071285251?s=19

At least he's a loyal nonce.

Here's a nice bit of Royal-to-commoner interpretation from that article:

quote:

Line-by-line: What the Queen said and what she meant in her statement

1 'Following many months of conversations': The opening line begins with a bombshell, revealing that Harry and Meghan have been discussing their exit from royal life with the Queen and other senior royals for longer than the public expected.

The couple announced their intention to step back as senior royals on January 8. In a statement the Duke and Duchess said: 'After many months of reflection and internal discussions.'

2 'My grandson and his family': The Queen highlights her personal bond with Harry and refers to him as her 'grandson' emphasising her role as not just the monarch but also his grandmother.

The word 'family' appears four times in the statement which relates to the Royal Family and the family unit of Harry, Meghan and Archie.

3 'Much-loved members of my family': The Queen hits a personal note by emphasising how Meghan, Harry and Archie will always remain 'much-loved' members of her family.

The statement has a deeply personal tone with the use of three 'I's' and three 'my's' throughout its five paragraphs.

4 'The Commonwealth': The Queen expresses her gratitude for the work Meghan and Harry have contributed to 'the Commonwealth and beyond'. Meghan and Harry wish to pursue an independent life in Canada, another Commonwealth country.

5 'Particularly proud': The Queen pays tribute to Meghan and praises how quickly she has become part of the family. This is in light of how many feel the Queen has every right to be unhappy with the way the Duchess has behaved.

6 'My whole family's hope': Here the monarch speaks as a head of the Royal Family as a whole, putting aside her personal feelings for the greater good.

Braggart fucked around with this message at 17:08 on Jan 19, 2020

# ¿ Jan 19, 2020 17:05

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Andrew deffo maintains the traditions of the Royal Family better than Harry does.

# ¿ Jan 19, 2020 17:30

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 08:56

Braggart: Nov 10, 2011; always thank the rock hider

Red Oktober posted:

I used to love Sam Smiths, but I just can�t support a man who closes a pub and makes the landlord & lady homeless and redundant because he overheard a customer telling a dirty joke.

Absolute bastard, and it�s far from the first time he�s done poo poo like that.

https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money...hdog-probe.html

quote:

Shaming of Britain's most secretive boss: Brewery chief fined �30,000 for fobbing off watchdog probe

The secretive owner of one of Britain's oldest breweries has been fined after telling a pensions watchdog that its request for vital documents was 'tiresome'.

Humphrey Smith, 73, the controversial owner of Samuel Smith Old Brewery, wrote back to pension's regulator with a 'deliberately inflammatory', when asked for the crucial paperwork regarding the savings of 2,000 workers.

Samuel Smith Old Brewery, which was formed in 1758, had been told by the Pension Regulator (TPR) in 2015 to prove it was earning enough money to support the final salary pension schemes.

But Smith, who is the hereditary ruler of the Yorkshire brewing empire and is rarely photographed, wrote back: 'We are in receipt of your tiresome letter and we are not prepared to divulge the information to your organisation.'

In response the Regulator launched court proceedings accusing the company of neglecting or refusing to provide information and documents without a reasonable excuse in breach of Pensions Act 2004.

Smith was charged with the same offence on the basis that as owner and chairman of the company he consented or connived in failing to hand over the documents.

Both the company and Smith pleaded guilty to the offence at a hearing in May, and yesterday both were hit with fines totalling �26,750 and costs of �1,240 when they were sentenced at Brighton Magistrates' Court.

Hereditary ruler of Yorkshire brewing empire considers himself above the law and fires people for blatantly spurious reasons like someone completely unrelated swearing while telling a joke. Great country where the local lord can come down and completely rearrange people's lives for no reason and then gently caress off back to his castle. Also he can't be bothered to obey the law so he just hands over the equivalent of a year's earnings for a lesser peon.

# ¿ Jan 20, 2020 09:33

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Debate & Discussion > UKMT January 2020 - Jess Flops

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