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In and flash me.
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Jan 7, 2020 12:31
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One Man’s Trash Flash: Raccoons 1,396 / 1,500 words Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Jan 12, 2020 23:38
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In.
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Mar 24, 2020 13:34
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Got to get, even Snagglepuss 959 / 1,500 words Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Mar 30, 2020 00:23
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In, flash.
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Mar 30, 2020 09:55
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Mind the Step 1,487/1,500 words Jailbreak; Your character(s) wants to control an item of great value or power. Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Apr 6, 2020 00:45
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In.
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Aug 17, 2020 08:34
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Contributor: Nae Genre: Science Fiction Protagonist attribute: pedant Protagonist obstructor: mute What the protagonist wants: a job Story setting: On Earth, but it's all sci-fi and poo poo Setting details: 1980s USSR; the USSR, but with robots World problem: US v. Soviet robot arms race is heating up Your protagonist… Is trying to get the thing they want, but it's difficult Your protagonist's attribute… Seems to help, but backfires Your protagonist's obstructor… Hinders them from getting what they want At the end of the story… The world problem is made worse by the protagonist ----------- Precisely; a week 2,415 / 2,420 words Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Aug 23, 2020 23:23
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MockingQuantum posted:
 REDEMPTION CRIT I don’t really have anything to say about the prose and that’s a good thing; it’s clean and clear and easy to read. The first thing that I wrote in my notes when reading this story was that the opening paragraph was a “nice lowkey burner”. While I appreciate the unintentional pun, the rest of the story never really did more than smoulder (I promise I’ll stop now). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining that it was a slower story. I’m not demanding a dramatic scene where the protagonist fights their way through blazing stacks of bundled newspapers. I was all for the thoughtful reminiscing, it’s just that there wasn’t much else there. Meditations on the importance of timing (that I think you drove home just one or two too many times) and then, suddenly, it’s the end. I enjoyed the revelation that the protagonist, for all that they stress needing to know when to walk away, is drawn back but it felt like it came out of nowhere. A little bit of foreshadowing - a little bit of internal struggle, rather than “I was back at the house, somehow” in the final paragraph - would have really strengthened this. Ultimately I think that you had a good core concept for a thoughtful, emotional story - one where the stakes aren’t even being caught, but being able to walk away from a life that is ultimately destructive - but you spent too many words on the scene-setting and reminiscing. Another 500 words to use - or another pass to free up some at the start - and establishing the protagonist’s struggle earlier on would have really helped, I think. It’s hard to rank this against stories from over two years ago but I think I probably would have placed this as a solid No Mention. Let’s call it 3.0/5. Finally, thank you for redeeming yourself after two years!
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Aug 24, 2020 08:23
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Crit of CaligulaKangaroo's The Light I really, really like what you did with the prompt. You took an admittedly silly idea (SKY ORB) and crafted something out of it. I like that you don’t describe the Orb too much; better to let the reader’s imagination fill in the blanks. The worldbuilding was similarly light but effective; you lay out just enough to give the story depth in an efficient manner. The use of the laser rifle as a makeshift holocaster was a great choice but I would have liked to see it used more. I think you could have benefited from another editing pass or two; the main issue is the tense shifts that crop up here and there. There are also some sections that don’t flow as neatly as the majority of the story. The paragraph that opens “Hold up!”, for example, repeats “air” and “ripple” too many times for such a short set of text. It’s jarring and draws the reader out of the story. I think you made the right choice with the limited cast - I know I always try to cram too many characters and settings into shorter wordcounts. There was some good banter, too. Neither character felt particularly deep, though. It’s a limitation of the shorter format but something you could perhaps have focused more on. I’ve gone back and forth on the ending a few times but ultimately I found it satisfying. You present Sarris as someone who is ultimately caught up in what they have lost; not everybody in a situation like this is going to be the future leader of the resistance. Having said that, using Trenton as a contrast - in particular, the line “And we use this place for something” - was very effective. I’d like to see that uncertain determination teased out a little more but it still works as it is. Overall, a fun read that makes good use of the prompt. Thanks for taking it on!
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Aug 28, 2020 10:17
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in
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Oct 13, 2020 10:09
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Enlightenment 483/500 words Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Oct 19, 2020 00:49
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In, give me a song please.
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Nov 11, 2020 00:11
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Getaway Trip 1,989 / 2,000 words Flash rule: Red Hot Mama by Parliament Funkadelic Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Nov 15, 2020 22:00
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 THUNDERDOME WEEK #433: THE MORNING AFTER oh god not so loud What a party! You're pretty sure it was someone's ... birthday? Promotion? The host was pretty wasted when you finally met them - at least you think that was the host. It was hard to tell, what with music loud enough to wake the dead and more alcohol than a brewery. You think someone brought in a fog machine - either that or there was a fire. Only a small one, though. whose traffic cone is that? Now the sun's starting to come up and the crowd of people sprawled out across the living room are starting to stir. Your head's fuzzy, your throat is sore and there's a weird bruise on your arm but you had a hell of a time. ... so why do you feel like you're forgetting something? DO
DON'T
WORD LIMIT: 1,200 words +100 words if you let me/another judge tell you something important that you've forgotten +100 words if you let me/another judge tell you something important that you remember +100 words if you let me/another judge tell you what song was playing last night (Pick any or all - but no more than one of each - for a potential maximum word count of 1,500 words) SIGNUP DEADLINE: 11:59PM PST Friday 20 November 2020 SUBMISSION DEADLINE: 11:59PM PST Sunday 22 November 2020
Staggy fucked around with this message at 23:44 on Nov 20, 2020 |
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Nov 16, 2020 21:17
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Chili posted:In. Gimme one of those things, dealer's choice. You can't remember what your face looks like but it's definitely not the one in the mirror. Applewhite posted:In. Something I forgot, pls. You've forgotten how to get home. GrandmaParty posted:In it to win it. You remember where you hid it. Unfortunately, someone else is about to get there first. Weltlich posted:In. Forgot, Remember, and Song, please. You remember winning a race last night but you can't remember what the prize was - only that you weren't supposed to let it out of your sight. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqQuihD0hoI Yoruichi posted:In, something important I've just remembered please You remember talking to someone who offered you a job - but the number on their business card is one digit short. That seems to be intentional.
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Nov 16, 2020 22:21
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Tyrannosaurus posted:In. Tell me something I've forgotten and something I remember. You've forgotten who you pissed off but you remember how you did it: you gave them exactly what they wanted.
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Nov 16, 2020 22:44
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:In, what did I forget and what jam do I need to jog my memory? You've forgotten who the fresh portrait tattoo on the back of your hand is supposed to be. Uh-oh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_WTHkBuqbg
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Nov 16, 2020 22:52
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sebmojo posted:In, gimme something sparksbloom posted:Also I'm in and will take song Thranguy posted:In, what did I forget? Also will take a song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sfYpolGCu8 Liquid Communism posted:In, gimme a song.
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Nov 17, 2020 15:13
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Your Sledgehammer posted:In, You've got an open padlock. You can't remember what you've now left unlocked.
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Nov 20, 2020 23:44
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Also as a point of clarification, your story does not literally have to be set the morning after a party. Your story should revolve around the aftermath of Something Big. It doesn't have to be a party and you don't have to set it literally the morning after. Of course, if you want to, go right ahead!
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Nov 20, 2020 23:46
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 Signups are closed! We also have one spot left for a co-judge, if anyone wants to volunteer.
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Nov 21, 2020 10:08
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Submissions are closed
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Nov 23, 2020 10:04
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Week 433 - Results You've crawled home, shovelled down some greasy food and chugged a litre of water. Or maybe you've been on cleanup duty, gathering empty cups and running a vacuum cleaner across an ashtray that used to be a carpet. Either way, you're falling back into reality and starting to take stock of what comes next. This was a tricky week to judge. Thanks again to Gorka for their help. We agreed on the top half of the pack but had differing views on the bottom half. I found it particularly difficult to assign a loss and came this close to giving out an extra DM instead - but that's a card that should be played sparingly. This is also normally the point where I make a sarcastic comment about the people who fail to submit anything but given the world right now I'm struggling to do so. Catch your breath, tend to your life and come back when you can. The crits will come in a minute. For now, here are the results: The loss goes to Yoruichi. The DM goes to Applewhite. The HM goes to flerp. The win goes to Thranguy! Take your place on the Blood Throne and let your law be heard!
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Nov 24, 2020 01:10
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Week 433 - Crits Your Sledgehammer You've got an open padlock. You can't remember what you've now left unlocked. I feel like you could have swapped “she” and “Casey” in the first couple of sentences and had it flow much better. As for the physical description of “long red hair” … I don’t know, it feels out of place. Like I’m expecting it to have some sort of significance, given the restricted wordcount? That just be my preferences re: flash fiction, though, so I won’t hold it against you. Okay, I really like the concept you’re playing with here. It’s just that after reading through (and not picking up much in the way of low-level stuff like my first paragraph above) I feel like that’s all you’ve got. There’s underlying character motivation, sure, the frustration and longing for a simpler time, but it’s not really developed enough in the first half and comes to quite an abrupt stop in the second. The setup is good; take this, for example: “He felt so much better when he had a goal to head towards. He relished charting a course through the challenges and pitfalls.” The problem is that at the end I don’t really know what Gilead’s new goal is. To make a new life in 1650, literally charting a course on a ship? To somehow make it back to his own time? Gilead is dissatisfied, walks through a few portals, is stranded; they don’t really do anything. It’s a great setup to a story but pretty light on actual story. Nae No flash. Fairly strong opening. I got to “but I've been putting buying some cable tags from a universe that has an Office Max.” before I was tripped out of the story - think you missed a word or two there. The next time I got yanked out was with “wallowing in the anemic hum that signifies the deaths of all dreamers.”. For a high concept story there’s nothing wrong with flowery language or imagery but this was jarring after everything so far. If the entire story was written this way it would be fine but so far you’ve been quite clear and grounded with your language. I realised what the ending would be about two lines before it got there, which in my mind is just right. It’s a good ending, too! Bitter-sweet, which I think is fitting. Overall, not a bad story at all. Applewhite You’ve forgotten how to get home. I’m struggling to put down how I feel about this story. It is, by any reasonable metric, a story - beginning, middle and end, try-fail cycles and everything. It fits the theme, it fits the flash, it’s told in clear language. It’s just a bit … unsatisfying. Like zero-calorie icecream. I think the problem is that it’s playing too safe. The devil falls to Earth and spurs mankind on to develop spaceflight so he can get back to heaven. Great, in theory. In practice, I think the decision to span the entirety of human history was bold but possibly the wrong move. A closer focus may have been more engaging - say, the final rocket launch. That and more characterisation. The Devil was pretty flat - calling God a “sassy bitch” doesn’t cut it. A decent concept, lacking in flair. I just don’t think I’m going to remember this one for very long. Flerp No flash, toxx. gently caress you for making me feel an emotion in Thunderdome. Look, this is a sweet little tale of yearning and confusion and there’s not much more to say. It’s told well and and there are no major red flags - your dialogue is natural, your pacing is good, etc. The ending is a little shaky - I think you could probably have come up with better closing lines than a dash to the bathroom - but it’s a minor, minor point. There’s not much depth to it, though. It’s a simple story and while it is arguably exactly as complex as it needs to be, I think that has ultimately stopped you placing higher. Chili You can’t remember what your face looks like but it’s definitely not the one in the mirror. It took me a little while to twig on to the timeskips. Given the context, I guess that’s a good thing - you blend the different scenes very effectively while still keeping true to the framing device of the mirror. My concern is that there’s no clear through-line of what Dovid wants; the final paragraph comes as a bit of a surprise. Maybe I’m missing something but it’s never really established that Dovid puts much stock in becoming the man of the household; the closest you come is with “He trudged to the bathroom and grumbled. His mother was ruining the only part of this he had been looking forward to. He wouldn't do this to his kids one day, he thought to himself.” Yes, he becomes more self-assured over time - though that change really only comes about in the final scene. This is a nice story and I’m glad you chose to make it uplifting in the end but I read it a couple of times and each time I got to the final paragraph and was sure I’d missed something; that I’d go back and see young Dovid with the wrong impression of what it meant to be the “head of the household”. Dipping in and out of a lifetime is fine and there is a sense of growth and continuity between the scenes but the ending would have been much stronger with a little tinkering in the beginning. Thranguy You've still got the present you brought along - and you can't remember what it is or who it's for. Phoebe Bridgers - Motion Sickness It’s its it’s its it’s its. “... the package on top … to packaged antics …” clashes and pulled me out of the story. Nitpicking aside, this is a very evocative piece and all the more impressive for being 503 words long. You shift the nature of the package very carefully with your choice of words - going from heartbeat to tick - and give enough credit to your reader to put the pieces together at the end. The descriptive sections are used rarely and are all the more impactful for it. The description of the man at the start is powerful in its brevity and the choice of features that are described. There’s a wonderfully icy clarity to the final paragraph that caps the rising tension off very well. There’s not much more to say because it’s a very short story and it’s done well. I think you made the right choice not drawing this out any longer. Good work. Weltlich You remember winning a race last night but you can't remember what the prize was - only that you weren't supposed to let it out of your sight. Rob Zombie - Dragula You set a very particular tone to your writing, right off the bat, and it mostly works - but man oh man, “he observed out loud” is an awkward turn of phrase. Another awkward thing is the repetition of “I guess” later on - only a couple of uses but they’re too close together. Picky, I know. I’ll be honest, I got to the end of the story and realised I had no idea why the map was important. Yes, your protagonist had been told to keep hold of it - but why? I assumed it was a literal map out of hell, roaring your way out of the afterlife in a hotrod. Instead I think it was … a map out of this guy’s personal hell into the afterlife as a whole? Maybe? Whatever the reason, it needed to be clearer. You wrote some nice enough action but could have stood to sharpen up the underlying structure a bit. Yoruichi You remember talking to someone who offered you a job - but the number on their business card is one digit short. That seems to be intentional. You’ve written a very weird world and done a good job of making it feel solid in quite a limited number of words. I think that the balance wasn’t quite right, however - I found myself getting lost in what was actually happening. The actions and conflict were well-conveyed and I got the gist of it all but I still felt disconnected from the world and characters. The weird was done well but I came away from it not quite sure whether it was weird for weird’s sake or whether there was some deeper meaning, some in-joke, that I wasn’t getting. It just felt aimless. Sebmojo Marilyn Manson x Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas is the Beautiful People. It’s a fun, short piece and I admire your dedication to Not Failing. That said, it is inescapably something that was written so that something was written. There’s some nice phrasing - I particularly enjoyed “the human components of the entire company” - and you capture the potential madness and desperate straining towards excess that office christmas parties are capable of. There’s no real substance, though, no meat on the bones. I don’t think that will come as much of a surprise to you.
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Nov 24, 2020 01:15
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Oh yeah in. Dealer's choice of weeks.
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Dec 8, 2020 20:39
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Weight and Life 897 / 900 words Rules: Gratitude as a major theme; my cat; sky burials; told through the eyes of someone of a gender different from my own. Moved to the archives. Staggy fucked around with this message at 00:26 on Jan 8, 2021 |
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Dec 13, 2020 22:12
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In, flash me please
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Jan 1, 2021 00:16
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