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IT IS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AND MY CHARACTER IS: A FORKLIFT OPERATOR. My class? OSHA. My race? Hooligans Local 420. I am nudest while wearing PPE and a mesh hi-viz vest. I am Tokyo Drifting a pallet of roofing tiles into tier 2 of an unsecured 5 tier stack. Even as a bystander, I am riding dirty. Tomb of Horrors? Amazon Warehouse. Spot the differences, goblins, skeletons animated by fell magicks, Jeff Bezos just a bejeweled skull who will never stop grinning. I am making William Tell Overture sounds with my mouth, charging at an army of kobolds. I am rounding the corner with forks raised, two dripping shishkabobs of experience points. I have gained all the levels. I am mastering new feats. I am expanding my forklift proficiencies and practicing Stunts in my downtime. Watch me open this can of beer. Watch me do on two wheels what fools cannot do on four. Watch me make sport of mastery, as I crush every combat beneath my Neverflat tires. I am tooting my little beep-beep at intersections. I am activating my flashers while under load. I am refraining from using hand-held electronic devices while in transit and always check my blind spots. I am carrying the team's loot on a secured, plastic-wrapped pallet. I am extending my forks to bridge a spike pit. I am holding aloft our halfing archer, that they might have a better vantage point from which to rain a volley of death. I am a stretcher for a slain champion of Gruumsh, felled by an intransigent golem. There is a sheet tied from my forks in a crude semblence of a stretcher. I am tooting my solemn, funerary beep-beep. I am making dirge noises with my mouth as the half orc is laid to rest beneath a pile of murdered horses. I am tearing up my OSHA 40 hour card. There is only rage, now, rage and a forklift. I am forklifting apart the walls of the Tomb of Horrors. I am pulling down the devil's mouth that surrounds Acerack's portable hole. I am erecting caution tape around that hungry void, that none should fall prey to the stupidest of all possible deaths. I am forklifting down doors. I am forklifting mimics and treasure chests alike. I beep my toot-toot in rage. Goblins flee. Hobgoblins flee. Bugbears are destroyed, ground to a stubborn pulp by my engine of destruction, the steely extension of my will upon the world, my will to forklift, and to be forklifted in return. Acerack sits upon a throne upon a dias, in a room accessible only through sorcery or forklifting. It is laughing, it's eye sockets two huge glittering gems, it's sharp teeth pointed crystals. "Charge, mortal!" It shrieks "Charge, if you dare!" And I do, so I do, and I am the winner, by the power and glory of Gygax, forever and ever, Amen. crimes |
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Jan 3, 2020 02:00
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 15:31 |
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:IT IS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AND MY CHARACTER IS: A FORKLIFT OPERATOR. I cast prestidigitation and make a small cup of water spill on the forklift to clean the blood off. It's not really working so I keep casting it. Sorry, so so sorry I'm down to cantrips.
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Jan 3, 2020 02:34
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Jan 3, 2020 02:48
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Jan 3, 2020 03:05
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Jan 3, 2020 06:31
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Jan 3, 2020 13:29
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How can they surround us I had Mordenkainens Magical Watch Dog cast? I totally did. You asked me if I wanted any equipment before this adventure and I said no, but I need material components for all my spells, so I cast Mordenkainens Faithful Watch Dog. |
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Jan 3, 2020 13:41
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me and four totally ripped dudes shirtless, jackhammering into the Tarrasque's reflective shell, rendering it vulnerable to ray and beam-type spells.
crimes |
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Jan 3, 2020 16:58
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Rolling a check blindspots for my CDL side quest. |
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Jan 3, 2020 20:48
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 did I miss the party?
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Jan 4, 2020 22:41
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
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Jan 4, 2020 22:55
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
omfg
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Jan 4, 2020 22:55
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
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Jan 4, 2020 23:16
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
I love you
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Jan 4, 2020 23:19
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im a level 14 ditch witch
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Jan 5, 2020 00:08
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
this mfer carrying this forum
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Jan 5, 2020 00:08
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
Lmao |
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Jan 5, 2020 00:29
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
 
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Jan 5, 2020 00:36
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I wanna roll to seduce the lichen king |
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Jan 5, 2020 03:53
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DM seizing an opportunity to introduce a swarm of rust monsters like 
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Jan 5, 2020 04:32
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City of Glompton posted:DM seizing an opportunity to introduce a swarm of rust monsters like Luring the party into the pool before the Dark Throne before flipping on the electrolysis set-up |
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Jan 5, 2020 04:36
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
this is my favorite thing today
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Jan 5, 2020 04:55
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"Sure, you can use your wish to have a bulldozer" said my jerk of a dungeon master right before giving me an extra sleepy male cow.
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Jan 5, 2020 04:58
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DM: you approach a massive dirt mound, the lair of the undead dwarves. it rises thousands of feet in the air and is miles across. there is no obvious entrance. the mage casts summon bucket-wheel excavator. |
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Jan 5, 2020 05:00
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As my spells require me to meditate to refresh I am currently napping in the back please try and keep it down while you move the dirt.
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Jan 5, 2020 05:07
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
can we collaborate on like a short 2 page comic where this image, or something like it, is the culmination of a joke about "bull rush"? crimes |
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Jan 5, 2020 05:36
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also personal thanks to everyone contributing art to this thread, it's glorious and y'all are helping me through a real dark period.
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Jan 5, 2020 05:36
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:
this is awesome and this thread is awesome, thanks friends! nut posted:this mfer carrying this forum  
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Jan 5, 2020 05:56
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Move over Lord of Blades! Killdozer is the new god of the Warforged! 
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Jan 5, 2020 06:19
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a bunch of Sword Coast Rangers interrogating a necromancer who doesn't have immigration papers for the corpses he animated.
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Jan 5, 2020 06:26
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Stocking up on Rust-Oleum at the next town. |
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Jan 5, 2020 07:41
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Wizard arguing she doesn't need a license because Plane Shift is travelling. |
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Jan 5, 2020 07:50
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:can we collaborate on like a short 2 page comic where this image, or something like it, is the culmination of a joke about "bull rush"? fo sho
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Jan 5, 2020 10:58
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lmfbo
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Jan 5, 2020 14:17
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Jan 5, 2020 15:41
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Returning to the local lord halfway through the tomb to argue that the uncross-able abyss counts as an unforeseen ground condition and that means that we're going to need an extension to the contract. |
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Jan 6, 2020 09:48
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I sleepily wake up from my nap and check my lighter fluid. Okay I have like 2 maybe 3 fireballs left before I need more reagents. Where we headed?
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Jan 6, 2020 15:08
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Dave the Druid activates his Wild Shape: JCB ability |
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Jan 6, 2020 15:38
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Cast levitate on a CAT and it becomes a TRESSYM
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Jan 6, 2020 16:55
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I fumble with the pallet jack, I get it moving but it's going really slow. No I don't need help I'll catch up with your guys, I drive these all the time! I wipe my forehead, okay now to figure out how to make this go fast, and better act fast before anyone else realizes I know nothing about construction and warehousing equipment! Oh I bet it's this! as I eye the rabbit switch as I flail my arms trying to keep balance while it moves at turtle.  Yes my character is riding the motorized pallet jack in a very unsafe way, don't be the wizard.
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Jan 6, 2020 17:20
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