D&D's The Tomb of Horror, except every player is operating a bulldozer

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > D&D's The Tomb of Horror, except every player is operating a bulldozer

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

In this game of Dungeons and Dozers we cast a spell activated by touch on one of the dozers and ram a castle!

Who will win? Castle or dozer?

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 00:26

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 11:22

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

IT IS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AND MY CHARACTER IS: A FORKLIFT OPERATOR.

My class? OSHA. My race? Hooligans Local 420. I am nudest while wearing PPE and a mesh hi-viz vest. I am Tokyo Drifting a pallet of roofing tiles into tier 2 of an unsecured 5 tier stack. Even as a bystander, I am riding dirty.
Tomb of Horrors? Amazon Warehouse. Spot the differences, goblins, skeletons animated by fell magicks, Jeff Bezos just a bejeweled skull who will never stop grinning. I am making William Tell Overture sounds with my mouth, charging at an army of kobolds. I am rounding the corner with forks raised, two dripping shishkabobs of experience points.
I have gained all the levels. I am mastering new feats. I am expanding my forklift proficiencies and practicing Stunts in my downtime. Watch me open this can of beer. Watch me do on two wheels what fools cannot do on four. Watch me make sport of mastery, as I crush every combat beneath my Neverflat tires.
I am tooting my little beep-beep at intersections. I am activating my flashers while under load. I am refraining from using hand-held electronic devices while in transit and always check my blind spots.
I am carrying the team's loot on a secured, plastic-wrapped pallet. I am extending my forks to bridge a spike pit. I am holding aloft our halfing archer, that they might have a better vantage point from which to rain a volley of death.
I am a stretcher for a slain champion of Gruumsh, felled by an intransigent golem. There is a sheet tied from my forks in a crude semblence of a stretcher. I am tooting my solemn, funerary beep-beep. I am making dirge noises with my mouth as the half orc is laid to rest beneath a pile of murdered horses.
I am tearing up my OSHA 40 hour card. There is only rage, now, rage and a forklift. I am forklifting apart the walls of the Tomb of Horrors. I am pulling down the devil's mouth that surrounds Acerack's portable hole. I am erecting caution tape around that hungry void, that none should fall prey to the stupidest of all possible deaths.
I am forklifting down doors. I am forklifting mimics and treasure chests alike. I beep my toot-toot in rage. Goblins flee. Hobgoblins flee. Bugbears are destroyed, ground to a stubborn pulp by my engine of destruction, the steely extension of my will upon the world, my will to forklift, and to be forklifted in return.
Acerack sits upon a throne upon a dias, in a room accessible only through sorcery or forklifting. It is laughing, it's eye sockets two huge glittering gems, it's sharp teeth pointed crystals. "Charge, mortal!" It shrieks "Charge, if you dare!"
And I do, so I do, and I am the winner, by the power and glory of Gygax, forever and ever, Amen.

I cast prestidigitation and make a small cup of water spill on the forklift to clean the blood off. It's not really working so I keep casting it.

Sorry, so so sorry I'm down to cantrips.

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 02:34

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

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# ¿ Jan 3, 2020 02:48

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

did I miss the party?

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# ¿ Jan 4, 2020 22:55

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

As my spells require me to meditate to refresh I am currently napping in the back please try and keep it down while you move the dirt.

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 5, 2020 05:07

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

I sleepily wake up from my nap and check my lighter fluid. Okay I have like 2 maybe 3 fireballs left before I need more reagents. Where we headed?

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# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 15:08

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

I fumble with the pallet jack, I get it moving but it's going really slow.

No I don't need help I'll catch up with your guys, I drive these all the time!

I wipe my forehead, okay now to figure out how to make this go fast, and better act fast before anyone else realizes I know nothing about construction and warehousing equipment! Oh I bet it's this! as I eye the rabbit switch as I flail my arms trying to keep balance while it moves at turtle.

Yes my character is riding the motorized pallet jack in a very unsafe way, don't be the wizard.

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 6, 2020 17:20

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Finger Prince posted:

The kobold lunges desperately at your dozer!
It's a critical hit! His tiny dagger pierces the hydraulic supply line, causing a pinhole leak, filling the air with a toxic cloud of hydraulic fluid mist! The caustic mist burns your eyes, make a saving throw for constitution!

1 *winces*

I'd like to use my last luck of the day to reroll that

oh, WHAT... another 1, okay so how boned am I?

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 8, 2020 17:05

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Okay so we need to go digging for radioactive to make nuclear bulldozers or something? I would like to try and craft a geiger counter

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 8, 2020 20:58

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 11:22

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

owlhawk911 posted:

i love this thread so much. it has brought me much joy and i really, really, REALLY want to play this campaign

we are playing right now! :justpost:

sig by owlhawk911

# ¿ Jan 8, 2020 21:22

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