The War in Iran: Strategies, Tips, Predictions Etc

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > The War in Iran: Strategies, Tips, Predictions Etc

That DICK!: Sep 28, 2010

So America is about to fight Iran in perhaps the biggest fight to date, World War III, and many people think it's going to be the biggest and frankly most important war we've ever seen in the history of this country since perhaps the time of Abraham Lincoln. I figured we should get this thread started now, so that in 20 years or so when a bunch of allegedly Iraq-aligned agitators shatter the uneasy peace we've built in Iran with trllions of dollars and countless lives and force an invasion of SuperIraq, we can all look back and laugh.

Anyway, to begin. A primer: Iran

Iran is a country in the Middle East. Its capital is Tehran, located in the north and middle part, and it is surrounded by many Middle Eastern and other kinds of countries. As old as time itself, Iran has seen many wars over its time. Jesus was around the area back in his day, as well as were others.

I'm not very good at Crusader Kings 2 but I will try to start a game in it and pick Iran to learn more.

IN MEMORY OF THE LOST: A MEMORIAL TO DEAD SOLDIERS

this will be updated with anyone who dies during the war(the real war, not CK2, many will die if not all)

Questions? I thought not.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:25

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# ? May 6, 2024 13:06

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Just rush footmen imo

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:31

StashAugustine: Mar 24, 2013; Do not trust in hope- it will betray you! Only faith and hatred sustain.

Capturing rebel leaders is kind of a waste unless you get some good missions, use your generals to hunt down the hidden base instead

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:33

CODChimera: Jan 29, 2009

I hope Iran wins

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:34

byob historian: Nov 5, 2008; I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!

what about landing troops in lebanon? saw somethin bout thar fore soleimani bought it

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:36

MizPiz: May 29, 2013; by Athanatos

Is this one of those where you have a set number of units you have to work with or can you make as many of anything as long as you're collecting resources?

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:51

Sheng-Ji Yang: Mar 5, 2014

How long will it take to capture Baghdad? 2 days
Will Saddam be killed? Yes
Total Iraqi civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iraq: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iraqi army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Republican Guard fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on the Kurds? Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Saddam sacrifice Baghdad (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Kurds make a grab for independence? Yes
Will Iran do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Saddam burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iraq? ~15 years
Will the Iraq war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

We have to look at what those civilian casualties are- just because they're civilian doesn't make them innocent! Lets take a look at a few possibilities:

1) A civilian walking down the street to market gets killed by a cruise missile fired at the market.

2) A civilian asleep in their house is killed when their house is targetting by a smart bomb and blown up.

OK, these two are regrettable innocents being killed- but since the US doesn't make a habit of targetting markets or houses, they're very small in number!

3) A civilian working at a chemical weapon factory gets killed when the chemical weapon plant is bombed.

4) A civilian security guard at a weapons depot is killed when the weapons explode.

5) A civilian contractor repairing a tank is killed by a MOAB dropped on the unit.

6) A civilian engineer is killed when the military command center he works at is destroyed.

7) A civilian delivering snackiecakes to the baghdad bunker vending machines eats a 5,000lb bunker buster.

etc, etc. The list goes on. My point is that there are a lot of civilians directly supporting the military that aren't exactly "innocent" and would be mire rightly counted among the military casualties than civilian. I'm a civilian and work for the US military, but I acknowledge I'm also a valid military target because of what I do. And I think the vast majority of civilian casualties in this campaign will not be innocent.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:54

Valleyant: Jul 23, 2007; That darn catte

Op, you should research new shoes asap, makes your guys way faster

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:55

Sestze: Jun 6, 2004; Cybernetic Crumb

How long will it take to capture Tehran? 2 days
Will Hassan Rouhani be killed? Yes
Total Iranian civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iran: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iranian army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Quds fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on the Saudis? Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Hassan sacrifice Tehran (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Saudis make a grab for territory? Yes
Will Azerbaijan do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Hassan burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iran? ~15 years
Will the Iran war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

edit gently caress

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:56

whatis: Jun 6, 2012

the media tells me war is good. is it actually bad?

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:57

Dreylad: Jun 19, 2001

whatis posted:

the media tells me war is good. is it actually bad?

it's great, for business

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:58

Sheng-Ji Yang: Mar 5, 2014

Sestze posted:

How long will it take to capture Tehran? 2 days
Will Hassan Rouhani be killed? Yes
Total Iranian civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iran: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iranian army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Quds fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on the Saudis? Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Hassan sacrifice Tehran (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Saudis make a grab for territory? Yes
Will Azerbaijan do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Hassan burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iran? ~15 years
Will the Iran war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

edit gently caress

eh you at least edited it

# ? Jan 3, 2020 07:58

Brrrmph: Feb 27, 2016; Слава Україні!

CODChimera posted:

I hope Iran wins

# ? Jan 3, 2020 08:03

Brrrmph: Feb 27, 2016; Слава Україні!

JK CIA god bless America

# ? Jan 3, 2020 08:04

Mia Wasikowska: Oct 7, 2006

Sheng-Ji Yang posted:

How long will it take to capture Baghdad? 2 days
Will Saddam be killed? Yes
Total Iraqi civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iraq: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iraqi army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Republican Guard fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on the Kurds? Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Saddam sacrifice Baghdad (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Kurds make a grab for independence? Yes
Will Iran do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Saddam burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iraq? ~15 years
Will the Iraq war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

We have to look at what those civilian casualties are- just because they're civilian doesn't make them innocent! Lets take a look at a few possibilities:

1) A civilian walking down the street to market gets killed by a cruise missile fired at the market.

2) A civilian asleep in their house is killed when their house is targetting by a smart bomb and blown up.

OK, these two are regrettable innocents being killed- but since the US doesn't make a habit of targetting markets or houses, they're very small in number!

3) A civilian working at a chemical weapon factory gets killed when the chemical weapon plant is bombed.

4) A civilian security guard at a weapons depot is killed when the weapons explode.

5) A civilian contractor repairing a tank is killed by a MOAB dropped on the unit.

6) A civilian engineer is killed when the military command center he works at is destroyed.

7) A civilian delivering snackiecakes to the baghdad bunker vending machines eats a 5,000lb bunker buster.

etc, etc. The list goes on. My point is that there are a lot of civilians directly supporting the military that aren't exactly "innocent" and would be mire rightly counted among the military casualties than civilian. I'm a civilian and work for the US military, but I acknowledge I'm also a valid military target because of what I do. And I think the vast majority of civilian casualties in this campaign will not be innocent.

i always thought this was funnier than groverhaus

# ? Jan 3, 2020 08:52

That DICK!: Sep 28, 2010

sorry folks i loaded the game but started playing as an earl in scotland for a cheevo. will look into this iran business in the morrow

# ? Jan 3, 2020 10:03

Pener Kropoopkin: Jan 30, 2013

join the Hashashin, cultivate their own theocratic state and import it into EU4

# ? Jan 3, 2020 10:58

NoNotTheMindProbe: Aug 9, 2010; pony porn was here

If there really is a war I think this will be the one that breaks US hegemony for good.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 11:01

Farm Frenzy: Jan 3, 2007

Sheng-Ji Yang posted:

How long will it take to capture Baghdad? 2 days
Will Saddam be killed? Yes
Total Iraqi civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iraq: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iraqi army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Republican Guard fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on the Kurds? Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Saddam sacrifice Baghdad (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Kurds make a grab for independence? Yes
Will Iran do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Saddam burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iraq? ~15 years
Will the Iraq war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

We have to look at what those civilian casualties are- just because they're civilian doesn't make them innocent! Lets take a look at a few possibilities:

1) A civilian walking down the street to market gets killed by a cruise missile fired at the market.

2) A civilian asleep in their house is killed when their house is targetting by a smart bomb and blown up.

OK, these two are regrettable innocents being killed- but since the US doesn't make a habit of targetting markets or houses, they're very small in number!

3) A civilian working at a chemical weapon factory gets killed when the chemical weapon plant is bombed.

4) A civilian security guard at a weapons depot is killed when the weapons explode.

5) A civilian contractor repairing a tank is killed by a MOAB dropped on the unit.

6) A civilian engineer is killed when the military command center he works at is destroyed.

7) A civilian delivering snackiecakes to the baghdad bunker vending machines eats a 5,000lb bunker buster.

etc, etc. The list goes on. My point is that there are a lot of civilians directly supporting the military that aren't exactly "innocent" and would be mire rightly counted among the military casualties than civilian. I'm a civilian and work for the US military, but I acknowledge I'm also a valid military target because of what I do. And I think the vast majority of civilian casualties in this campaign will not be innocent.

this

# ? Jan 3, 2020 11:02

mobby_6kl: Aug 9, 2009; by Fluffdaddy

Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran!

# ? Jan 3, 2020 12:45

UP AND ADAM: Jan 24, 2007

Sheng-Ji Yang posted:

How long will it take to capture Baghdad? 2 days
Will Saddam be killed? Yes
Total Iraqi civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iraq: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iraqi army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Republican Guard fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on the Kurds? Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Saddam sacrifice Baghdad (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Kurds make a grab for independence? Yes
Will Iran do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Saddam burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iraq? ~15 years
Will the Iraq war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

We have to look at what those civilian casualties are- just because they're civilian doesn't make them innocent! Lets take a look at a few possibilities:

1) A civilian walking down the street to market gets killed by a cruise missile fired at the market.

2) A civilian asleep in their house is killed when their house is targetting by a smart bomb and blown up.

OK, these two are regrettable innocents being killed- but since the US doesn't make a habit of targetting markets or houses, they're very small in number!

3) A civilian working at a chemical weapon factory gets killed when the chemical weapon plant is bombed.

4) A civilian security guard at a weapons depot is killed when the weapons explode.

5) A civilian contractor repairing a tank is killed by a MOAB dropped on the unit.

6) A civilian engineer is killed when the military command center he works at is destroyed.

7) A civilian delivering snackiecakes to the baghdad bunker vending machines eats a 5,000lb bunker buster.

etc, etc. The list goes on. My point is that there are a lot of civilians directly supporting the military that aren't exactly "innocent" and would be mire rightly counted among the military casualties than civilian. I'm a civilian and work for the US military, but I acknowledge I'm also a valid military target because of what I do. And I think the vast majority of civilian casualties in this campaign will not be innocent.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 12:46

Hellsau: Jan 14, 2010; NEVER FUCKING TAKE A NIGHT OFF CLAN WARS.

I have a tip - don't do it.

gently caress too late

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:10

1994 Toyota Celica: Sep 11, 2008; by Nyc_Tattoo

historically, you beat Iran by baiting them into a few opening rounds in Syria and Iraq first

so technically, the trump boys are off to the best possible start

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:12

Farm Frenzy: Jan 3, 2007

1994 Toyota Celica posted:

historically, you beat Iran by baiting them into a few opening rounds in Syria and Iraq first

so technically, the trump boys are off to the best possible start

historically you beat them by secretly giving them guns

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:15

mobby_6kl: Aug 9, 2009; by Fluffdaddy

1994 Toyota Celica posted:

historically, you beat Iran by baiting them into a few opening rounds in Syria and Iraq first

so technically, the trump boys are off to the best possible start

Thankfully we have the Greeks on our side too

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:15

1994 Toyota Celica: Sep 11, 2008; by Nyc_Tattoo

mobby_6kl posted:

Thankfully we have the Greeks on our side too

then it all comes down to whether rouhani will garrison the cilician gates

can't wait to see news reports of Jared Kushner finally proving his worth in the phalanx

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:17

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

Sestze posted:

How long will it take to capture Tehran? 2 days
Will Hassan Rouhani be killed? Yes
Total Iranian civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iran: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iranian army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Quds fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on the Saudis? Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Hassan sacrifice Tehran (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Saudis make a grab for territory? Yes
Will Azerbaijan do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Hassan burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iran? ~15 years
Will the Iran war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

edit gently caress

This should be in the OP.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:19

NoNotTheMindProbe: Aug 9, 2010; pony porn was here

Farm Frenzy posted:

historically you beat them by secretly giving them guns

Historically you beat them by waiting for them to be overrun by central Asian steppe nomads.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:21

logikv9: Mar 5, 2009; Ham Wrangler

so when we finally invade does John Bolton simply disappear into thin air, having accomplished what he returned to earth to do or what

Does somebody else inherit the mustache and start demanding a war

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:23

HerraS: Apr 15, 2012; Looking professional when committing genocide is essential. This is mostly achieved by using a beret.

Olive drab colour ensures the genocider will remain hidden from his prey until it's too late for them to do anything.

hmmm I dunno I started up the modern day mod as Iran in HoI 4 and the entire US navy sank in a day

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:24

etalian: Mar 20, 2006

Sheng-Ji Yang posted:

How long will it take to capture Baghdad? 2 days
Will Saddam be killed? Yes
Total Iraqi civillian casualties: 500 dead
Total military casualties Iraq: 3000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 15 dead
Will the Iraqi army regulars hold the lines? No
Will the Republican Guard fight to the end? No
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on the Kurds? Yes
Will Saddam launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Saddam sacrifice Baghdad (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Kurds make a grab for independence? Yes
Will Iran do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Saddam burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iraq? ~15 years
Will the Iraq war catalyze increased terrorism in America?No
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Good

We have to look at what those civilian casualties are- just because they're civilian doesn't make them innocent! Lets take a look at a few possibilities:

1) A civilian walking down the street to market gets killed by a cruise missile fired at the market.

2) A civilian asleep in their house is killed when their house is targetting by a smart bomb and blown up.

OK, these two are regrettable innocents being killed- but since the US doesn't make a habit of targetting markets or houses, they're very small in number!

3) A civilian working at a chemical weapon factory gets killed when the chemical weapon plant is bombed.

4) A civilian security guard at a weapons depot is killed when the weapons explode.

5) A civilian contractor repairing a tank is killed by a MOAB dropped on the unit.

6) A civilian engineer is killed when the military command center he works at is destroyed.

7) A civilian delivering snackiecakes to the baghdad bunker vending machines eats a 5,000lb bunker buster.

etc, etc. The list goes on. My point is that there are a lot of civilians directly supporting the military that aren't exactly "innocent" and would be mire rightly counted among the military casualties than civilian. I'm a civilian and work for the US military, but I acknowledge I'm also a valid military target because of what I do. And I think the vast majority of civilian casualties in this campaign will not be innocent.

kyoon was basically a Minority report Precog

Poor kyoon he could into the future to see the truth of Iraq and Lance Armstrong but couldn't predict his perma-ban

etalian has issued a correction as of 13:57 on Jan 3, 2020

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:33

A Buttery Pastry: Sep 4, 2011; Delicious and Informative!

How long will it take to capture Tehran? 89 days
Will Hassan Rouhani be killed? Yes
Total Iranian civillian casualties: 12.3 million dead
Total military casualties Iran: 240,000 dead
Total military casualties U.S.: 48,300 dead
Will the Iranian army regulars hold the lines? Yes
Will the Quds fight to the end? Yes
Will chem/bio weapons be used on invading troops?: No
Will Hassan launch attacks on the Saudis? Yes
Will Hassan launch attacks on Israel? No
-If yes; will Isreal retaliate harshly? Yes
Will Hassan sacrifice Tehran (gas/nuke it)? No
Will the Saudis make a grab for territory? Yes
Will Turkey do anything silly like try for land? Yes
Will Hassan burn the oil fields? Yes
How long will the US be occupying Iran? ~35 years
Will the Iran war catalyze increased terrorism in America? Yes
In the long run, will this war be good or bad for the world? Bad

# ? Jan 3, 2020 13:57

StratGoatCom: Aug 6, 2019; Our security is guaranteed by being able to melt the eyeballs of any other forum's denizens at 15 minutes notice

All I know is that the states will end up beecocking themselves.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 14:51

Victory Position: Mar 16, 2004

if you enter four simultaneous inputs into your controller while jumping into the mountain, you can glitch Mario into the bricks and zip him all the way to Tehran

# ? Jan 3, 2020 15:27