magic cactus posted:

LAWYER: Let me just make sure that I have this down right in my notes. So you show up when these children need your cereal.

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: Yes. That is correct.

LAWYER: In a Spanish galleon?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: Yes

LAWYER: *Nods thoughtfully*: Now this ship of yours, does it have weaponry on board? Cannons, muskets, things of such nature?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: There might be some somewhere on board, but most of my cargo these days is cereal and other grains.

LAWYER: I see. Now these children that you uh, what was that word you used?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH *wincing slightly*: Crunchatize.

LAWYER: Thank you. These children that you "crunchatize" , reports indicate they're between the ages of 4 and 15. That's quite a range. What do you do when you're together on board the ship?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: I feed them breakfast. Sometimes we might play a game or two. Tag, shuffleboard, stuff like that *smiles weakly*

LAWYER: Would you say that you feed these children a "balanced" breakfast?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: I don't-

LAWYER: *reading cereal box* it says here that your cereal is "part of a balanced breakfast". Mr. Crunch. Do you feed the "crunchatized" children on board your ship the "balanced breakfast" shown on this box or not? A muffin, an orange, a glass of milk?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH *hangs head*: No. We might have a lime for scurvy now and again, but that's it.

LAWYER: I see. What about the parents? Do you tell the parents of the children you "crunchatize"? Do you explain the process to them? Do you get any legally binding record that they consent to this process?

CAPTAIN CRUNCH: *numb, tears falling softly*: No.

LAWYER: Mr. Crunch, are you familiar with a little term called "child endangerment?"