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"Trigger Mortis" is what's carved on the tombstone of Roy Rogers's horse, right? (yes I'm old shut up)
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Dec 17, 2021 20:19
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Selachian posted:Ugh. I've never read any of Horowitz's other stuff, but his take on Sherlock Holmes, The House of Silk, was boring and didn't feel particularly Holmesian. So I can't say I have high hopes for this one. Yeah, it wasn't helped by doing the "lets be ~edgy~ and ~modern~ by having Holmes deal with an upper-class paedophile ring" thing, when it seemed every other loving Victorian pastiche decided to focus on child abuse at the same time. Well, I guess we'll find out if he's any better at pastichingFleming when chitoryu gets to it!
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Dec 20, 2021 21:13
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Oh good god I've actually caught up!!!! I've had a hell of a marathon of the goldmined thread and this one over the last couple of months. Incredible work, chitoryu. I'd already read almost all of these works over the years (except The Killing Zone, which I had no idea existed) but going through them all in sequence with all the additional context and history you bring to them has been a fascinating experience. (Title aside I remember actually not minding Trigger Mortis tbh) Good Lord Fisher! fucked around with this message at 22:20 on Dec 22, 2021 |
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Dec 22, 2021 22:18
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Thank you! I’m finally returning home to some free time tonight to get back to writing. Starting a company is exhausting.
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Dec 23, 2021 06:51
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I hear it really cuts into your free time. 
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Dec 23, 2021 07:35
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Chapter 5: Nanniequote:All things considered, Bond thought, Sukie Tempesta showed that she was an uncommonly cool lady. He dropped the Happi-coat on to the bed, ready to pack later, and caught sight of his naked body in the long mirror. What he saw pleased him, not in any vain way, but because of his obvious fitness: the taut muscles of his thighs and calves, and the bulge of his biceps. Sure, not vain at all. quote:He had showered and shaved before Quinn’s arrival, and now he dressed as he worked out a viable plan to deal with Sukie. He put on casual slacks, his favourite soft leather moccasins and a Sea Island cotton shirt. To hide the 9 mm ASP, he threw on a battledress-style grey Oscar Jacobson Alcantara jacket. He placed his case and the two briefcases near the door, checked the gun, and went quickly downstairs, where he settled both his own and Sukie’s accounts. He then went straight up to her room.  Oscar Jacobson is an "affordable luxury" brand, providing the look and feel of more expensive clothes at a lower price. Reflecting that, alcantara is a synthetic suede alternative. quote:Sukie’s Gucci luggage stood in a neat line near the door, which she opened to his knock. She was back in the Calvin Klein jeans, this time with a black silk shirt which looked to Bond like Christian Dior. Some very obvious class signaling here. quote:Gently he pushed her back into the room. She did not protest, but said simply that she was ready to leave. Bond’s face was set in a serious mask, which made her ask, ‘James, what is it? Something’s really wrong, isn’t it?’ This is so awkward. quote:‘You can’t take me to Rome?’ Her voice was level. ‘I understand, James. Don’t worry about it, I’ll find some way, but it does present me with a little problem of my own...’ You're just telling her??? quote:He paused, letting it sink in, then, to his surprise, she smiled and said, ‘Well, I’ve never been a hostage before. It’ll be a new experience.’ Oh my God. quote:She looked down and saw the gun in his hand. And I thought Tracy was nuts. quote:‘The kind of people I’m up against are about as exciting as tarantulas, and lethal as sidewinders. I hope what’s going to happen now isn’t going to be too nasty for you, Sukie, but I have no other option. I promise you this is no game. You’re to do everything I say, and do it very slowly. I’m afraid I have to ask you to turn around – right around – with your hands on your head.’ Since when did Bond talk like this? quote:He was looking for both a makeshift weapon and one more cunningly concealed. Sukie wore a small cameo brooch at the neck of her shirt. He made her unpin the brooch and throw it gently on to the bed, where her shoulder bag lay. Then he told her to take off her shoes. Okay, this is a pretty realistic and thorough bit of spycraft from Gardner. How could he make it worse? quote:Sukie was more embarrassed than angry about having to strip. Her body was the colour of rich creamed coffee, smooth and regular, the kind of tan you can get only through patience, the right lotions, a correct regimen of sun, and nudity. It was the sort of body that men dreamed of finding alive and wriggling in their beds. That. quote:Bond went through the jeans and shirt, making sure there was nothing inserted into linings or stitching. When he was satisfied, he apologised again, told her to get dressed and then call the concierge. She was to use his exact words, saying that the luggage was ready in her room and in Mr Bond’s. It was to be taken straight to Mr Bond’s car. What, a sidequest? quote:Bond nodded, indicating that she should tell him her problem.  Despite how Bond describes it, Cannobio had a population of several thousand and is mostly a dense urban area. The Santuario della SS Pietà has been present on the site since the 16th century, though the current facade dates to 1908. quote:‘Can we put her off? Telephone her?’ Or will there be yet another twist out of nowhere? quote:‘What’s her name, this old school friend?’ he asked, sharply. Yeah, the gun and strip search wasn't enough. quote:Bond knew that the trip to Cannobio would hold him up for only an hour, thirty minutes there, and another thirty back, before he could head off towards the frontier, and Austria. If he took the risk, it would mean two hostages rather than one, and he could position them in the car to make a hit more difficult. There was also comfort in the thought that it was only his head that would gain the prize. Whoever struck would have to do it on a lonely stretch of road, or during a night stop. It was easy enough to sever a human head. You did not even have to be very strong. A flexi-saw – like a bladed garrotte – would do it in no time. What would be essential to accomplish the task was a certain amount of privacy. Nobody would have a go in front of the main church in Cannobio, beside Lake Maggiore. Unless they had a really big sword! quote:Outside, the padrone stood, at the rear of the British racing green Mulsanne Turbo, waiting patiently with the luggage. From the corner of his eye, Bond spotted Steve Quinn’s man, who had been standing above the rocks, begin to saunter casually back along the cars towards the Renault. He did not even look in Bond’s direction, but kept his head down, as though searching for something on the ground. He was tall, with the face of a Greek statue that had been exposed to much time and weather. And presumably the penis of one. quote:Bond contrived to keep Sukie between himself and the car, reaching forward from behind her to unlock the boot. When the luggage was stowed, they shook hands with the padrone with due solemnity, and Bond escorted Sukie to the front passenger side. Bond is taking this embarrassingly seriously while she's treating it as foreplay. quote:They backed out, headed up the ramp and seven minutes later crossed the Italian frontier without incident. The horniness is too much. quote:‘Nannie, meet James. We have a problem.’ For someone making such an obvious show of acting suspicious of everything, Bond is taking a lot of needless risks! quote:She nodded and placed her hands above the dashboard, as Bond got out and watched Nannie Norrich put her case into the boot. This is a world of maniacs. quote:They settled back in the car and he asked Nannie to fasten her seat belt as there would be fast driving ahead. He started the engine again and waited for the right amount of space in the traffic. Then he put the Bentley into reverse, spun the wheel, banged at the accelerator and brake, and slewed the car backwards into a skid, bringing the rear around in a half circle. He roared off, cutting in between a creeping Volkswagen and a truck load of vegetables – much to the wrath of the drivers. Not sure about the horse part. quote:Bond did not comment. Violent man, he thought, concentrating on the driving and leaving Sukie and Nannie to slip into talk of schooldays, parties and men. Bond holding in his pee for hours while smiling like a lunatic. quote:When he returned they both looked entirely innocent and even seemed surprised when he took a couple of benzedrine tablets with his coffee. Very what? quote:‘... and the sooner we get to Salzburg, the sooner I can release you. The local police will take charge of things after that...’ That's not the animals you used! quote:He knew that Sukie and Nannie were either going through a transition, starting to identify with their captor, or were trying to establish a rapport in order to lull him into complacency. To increase his chances of survival he had to remain detached, and that was not easy with two young women as attractive and desirable as they were. Are they, Bond? Is the car suddenly being full of different people than before the same guys? quote:He was conscious of a tension in the two girls, like game that has sensed the hunter. Fear suddenly seemed to flood the interior of the car, almost tangibly. Very good reflexes to lower the windows so nobody has to pay for repairs! quote:Then came the two blasts, one sharp and from behind his right shoulder, filling the car with a film of grey mist bearing the unmistakable smell of cordite. The other was louder, but farther away, almost drowned by the engine noise, the rush of wind into the car and the ringing in his own ears. If only Bentley allowed him to have more gadgets. Like bulletproof glass. quote:There was a lurching sensation and a grinding as the sides of the two cars grated together, then drifted apart again, followed by another crack from the rear of the car.
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Jan 3, 2022 02:00
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Ooh, this chapter slipped by me. Glad I came looking. That was the most surreal bullshit we've had out of Gardner for a while 
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Jan 13, 2022 21:35
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Chapter 6: The NUBquote:Over the long snout of the Bentley, Bond saw the silver Renault streaking back towards them, moving up the slow lane in the wrong direction, causing two other cars and a lorry to career across the wide autobahn to avoid collision. He had no time to go into the whys and wherefores of how he had missed finding Nannie’s gun. I see this will go well. quote:In the fraction before he fired, a host of thoughts crossed his mind. The Renault had originally contained a two-man team. When it reappeared there were three of them: one in the back with the Winchester, the driver and a back-up who seemed to be using a high-powered revolver. Somehow the man in the back had disappeared and the one in the passenger seat now had the Winchester. The driver’s side window was open and in a fanatical act of lunacy, the passenger seemed to be leaning across the driver to fire the Winchester as they came up to the Mulsanne Turbo, which was slewed like a beached whale just off the hard shoulder of the road. It will definitely do none of those! quote:Bond began to take up the first pressure on the trigger. As the rear of the Renault came fully into his sights, he squeezed hard and got the two shots away. He was conscious of the double crack from his left. Nannie was giving the tyres hell. Then several things happened quickly. The nearside front tyre disintegrated in a terrible burning and shredding of rubber. You headshot a dude on a train with a .25 in the desert once. quote:The car began to slew inwards, toppling slightly as though it would cartwheel straight into the Bentley, but the driver struggled with wheel and brakes and the silver car just about stayed in line, running fast and straight towards the hard shoulder, hopelessly doomed. At the same time as the tyre disintegrated, the two Glaser Slugs from the ASP scorched through the bodywork and into the petrol tank. Focus, Bond. quote:‘Shaken, but undamaged, I think.’ FOCUS quote:‘I think you’d better let me have the armoury, Nannie,’ he said quietly, hardly turning his head. He's not a gentleman! He's staring at your thighs now! quote:He recalled her flirtatious manner, and the cheeky smile. ‘So, I suppose I’m now paying for the error. Are you going to tell me it’s pointing at the back of my head?’ ‘ ...what does that mean? You leave dicks on your inner thigh? quote:A sign came up indicating a picnic area ahead. Bond slowed and pulled off the road, down a track through dense fir trees, and into a clearing. Rustic tables and benches stood in the centre. There was not a picnicker in sight. To one side a neat, clean, telephone box in working order awaited them. The NUB. quote:‘Norrich Universal Bodyguards.’ How are you this dense? quote:‘Minders,’ said Nannie, still very cheerful. Let's Read More James Bond Books: Trust NUB quote:Eventually Bond shrugged, got out of the car and locked the two women in behind him. He took the CC500 from the boot and went over to the telephone booth. He made the slightly more complex attachments to link up the scrambler to the pay telephone. Then he dialled the operator, and placed a call to the Resident in Vienna. I'm sure it'll involve a lot of excessive violence. quote:Bond unhooked the CC500 and walked slowly back to the car. He knew that his life might be forfeit for those of May and Moneypenny. If there was no other way, then he would have to die. He also knew that he would go on to the bitter end, taking any risks that may resolve his dilemma. Cool idea, bad execution by Gardner. quote:Sukie opened her mouth, her cheeks scarlet with fury, but at that moment, the police arrived. Two cars, their klaxons silent, swept into the glade in a cloud of dust. There were four uniformed officers in one car and three in the other, with a fourth in civilian clothes. The plain-clothes man unfolded himself from the back of the second car and thankfully stretched out his immense length. He was immaculately dressed, yet his frame was so badly proportioned that only an expert tailor could make him even half presentable. His arms were long, ending with very small hands that seemed to hang apelike almost down to his knees. His face, crowned with a head of gleaming hair, was too large for the oddly narrow shoulders. He had the apple cheeks of a fat farmer and a pair of great jug-handle ears. This is...certainly a character to introduce now. quote:‘He knows you?’ Bond asked. Our new villain: an Austrian police inspector who's also a Nazi with a hook. quote:Inspektor Osten had reached the Bentley and now stood with two uniformed men on Bond’s side of the car. He stooped down, as though folding his body straight from the waist – reminding Bond of an oil pump – and waggled his small fingers outside the driver’s window. They rippled, as though he were trying to attract the attention of a baby. Bond opened the window. That's a terrible title. quote:‘So,’ the inspector became serious again. ‘I am pleased to meet you. My name is Osten. Heinrich Osten.’ His mouth opened in a grimace which revealed blackened teeth. ‘Some people like to call me by another name. Der Haken. I do not know why, but it sticks. Probably it is because I hook out criminals.’ He laughed again. ‘I think, perhaps, I might even have hooked you, Herr Bond. The two of us have much to talk about. A great deal. I think I shall ride in your motor so we can talk. The ladies can go in the other cars.’
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Jan 15, 2022 22:16
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So the all women bodyguard company is called NUB, okay sure. I had to double check that Gardner wasn't in seventh grade when he wrote this. I guess he could have named them something crass like Confidential Lady Interdiction and Tactical Support instead.
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Jan 16, 2022 01:17
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Yeah, like the knockoff James Bond author could possibly find those
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Jan 16, 2022 01:19
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Which is dumber: that this is a real service and Bond now has two new allies, or that they are clearly lying and Bond just isn’t catching that these two are actually after him?
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Jan 16, 2022 01:21
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poisonpill posted:Which is dumber: that this is a real service and Bond now has two new allies, or that they are clearly lying and Bond just isn’t catching that these two are actually after him? This is definitely going to be an ending you won't see coming.
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Jan 16, 2022 01:35
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https://twitter.com/jb_univex/status/1482792267676930048?s=21
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Jan 16, 2022 20:13
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Has Q Division gone too far??? You decide!
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Jan 16, 2022 22:51
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“And finally, James, we’ve installed this device inside your car. You see this tube near the driver’s seat? Simply blow into it before starting the ignition. It will stop the automobile from starting the engine in the event that the device recognizes a blood alcohol level above the legal limit.” “Amazing, Q. What if I were to have my date blow?” “Oh, grow up, James!”
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Jan 16, 2022 22:56
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Jan 17, 2022 20:33
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Chapter 7: The Hookquote:Bond drove with exaggerated care. For one thing, the sinister man who now sat next to him appeared to be possessed of a latent insanity which could explode into life at the slightest provocation. Bond had felt the presence of evil many times in his life, but now it was as strong as he could ever recall. The grotesque Inspektor Osten smelled of something else, and it took time to identify the old-fashioned bay rum which he obviously used in large quantities on his thatch of hair. They were several kilometres along the road before the silence was broken. What is this bizarre plot shift? quote:‘Murder and kidnapping,’ Osten said quietly, almost to himself. It will be legitimately too many twists if this obviously evil guy turns out to not be a SPECTRE headhunter. quote:Osten sighed. Then, ‘In this instance I am the law, and that’s what matters. You have been concerned for two English ladies who have disappeared from a clinic ...’ You tell 'em, Connery! quote:‘Whatever,’ he raised a tiny doll’s hand, the action at once dismissive and full of derision. ‘You are the only key, the linking factor in this small mystery; the man who knew both victims. It is natural, then, that I must question you – interrogate you – thoroughly regarding these disappearances...’ Well, at least that's been answered. quote:‘We shall see.’ Osten gave another sigh and repeated, ‘ In Salzburg we shall see.’  The fortress began construction in 1077 and is now one of the largest medieval castles in Europe. It remained in military use until 1861 and is now a tourist attraction. quote:They were heading for the new town, and Bond expected to be guided towards the police headquarters. Instead, he found himself driving through a maze of streets, past a pair of modern apartment blocks and down into an underground car park. The two other cars, which they had lost on the outskirts of the city, were waiting, neatly parked with a space between them for the Bentley. Sukie sat in one, Nannie in the other. Now you feel uneasy? quote:‘Lower my window.’ Osten spoke quietly. Yeah, this is incredibly obvious. quote:Heinrich Osten nodded his oversized head repeatedly, like a toy in a rear car window. He told the uniformed man to carry on. The one with the machine pistol did not move.  While the Uzi seems like just a generic choice, West Germany actually did adopt it as the MP2 in 1959. It remained in service until 2007, when the Heckler & Koch MP7 replaced it. quote:Bond watched Sukie and Nannie being hustled from the other cars. They were kept well apart from one another. Both looked frightened. Sukie did not even turn her head in the direction of the Bentley, but Nannie glanced towards him. In an instant the message was clear in her eyes. She was still armed and biding her time. A remarkably tough lady, he thought: tough and attractive in a clean-scrubbed kind of way. What, you were expecting her to be dirty? quote:The women disappeared from Bond’s line of vision, and a moment later Osten prodded him in the ribs with his own ASP. So, a bad guy lair. quote:‘Nice little place you have for a police inspector,’ Bond said. What kind of lame assassin has to rent a lair? quote:Bond nodded, trying to indicate this was obvious, if only because of the style and elegance. He turned to face the inspector, and began speaking rapidly. ‘Now, sir. I appreciate what you’ve told me, but you must know that our Embassy and the department I represent have already given instructions as to my safety, and received assurances from your own people. You say I have no right to demand anything, but you make a grave error there. In fact I have the right to demand everything.’ And you've already come up with this complex of a plan? quote:Bond slumped into a chair, half his mind on the chances of dealing with Osten and his accomplices, the other half working out what the policeman had planned and why. There were commercials on the big colour screen. Attractive Austrian girls standing against mountain scenery told the world of the essential value of a sun barrier cream. A young man arrived hatless from the air, climbed from his light aircraft and said the view was wunderschön but even more wunderschön when you used a certain kind of camera to capture it. The actor is hatless, repeat, hatless! quote:The news graphics filled the screen and a serious-faced brunette appeared. The lead story was about a shooting incident on the A12 autobahn. One car carrying tourists had been fired at and had crashed in flames. The pictures showed the wreckage of the silver Renault surrounded by police and ambulances. The young woman, now looking very grave, appeared again. The horror had been compounded by the death of five police officers in a freak accident as they sped from Salzburg to the scene of the shooting. One of the police cars had gone out of control and was hit broadside on by the other. Both cars had skidded into woodland and caught fire. So your cover story is cops being dangerous morons. quote:Next Bond saw his own photograph and the number plate of the Bentley Mulsanne Turbo. He was said to be a British diplomat, travelling on private business, probably with two unidentified young women. He was wanted for questioning regarding the original shooting incident. A statement from the Embassy said he had telephoned appealing for help, but they feared he might have been affected by stress and run amok. ‘He has been under great strain during the last few days,’ a bland Embassy spokesman told a television reporter. So, the Service and Foreign Office had decided to deny him. Well, that was standard. The car, diplomat and young women had disappeared and there were fears for their lives. The police would resume the search at daybreak, but the car could easily have gone off one of the mountain roads. The worst was feared. At least there wasn't a weirder twist. quote:‘I know that somehow you’ve managed to murder five of your colleagues...’ You came up with this entire plan in a day? quote:‘Precisely. You’re very well informed. The people offering the large prize gave me the impression that you were in the dark – that is correct, in the dark?’ This guy just decided to style himself as a supervillain in case he could make money off it? quote:‘Or for the money,’ Bond said coldly. ‘They might even dispose of you for the money.’ You're just going to tell him everything? You're only a henchman! That's the villain's job! quote:Der Haken’s team had been working on the kidnapping at the Klinik Mozart. There were a lot of telephone calls. Suddenly the inspector disappeared for about an hour. He returned jubilant. He had brought the whole team to this apartment and explained the situation. All they had to do was catch a man called Bond. The accident was simple to stage. Once they had him, the kidnapping would be over – only there was a bonus. The people who owned this very apartment would see that the women were returned to the clinic and pay a huge sum for Bond’s head. Yeah, he just told him the entire plan! quote:Bond nodded, thinking to himself that the Head Hunt was not almost over. There were always ways. He now had to find a way quickly to get them all out of Der Haken’s clutches. The grotesque inspector was gesturing with the ASP, indicating that Bond should go down the passageway on the right. Bond took a step towards the arch, then stopped. Bond realized the perfect way to handle these idiots: just ask them to keep explaining backstory. quote:Der Haken gave a snarl of irritation. ‘I haven’t got time to go into details now. They were kidnapped. You do not need to know anything else.’ He gave Bond a light push, heading him in the direction of the passage. At the third door on the right Der Haken stopped, unlocked it and almost threw Bond inside. He heard the key turn and the lock thud home. Never leave a spy with his belt! quote:The Toolkit had been designed by Major Boothroyd’s brilliant assistant in Q Branch, Anne Reilly, known to everyone at the Regent’s Park Headquarters as Q’ute. Bond silently blessed her ingenuity as he now set to work on the security locks screwed tightly into the casement frame. There were two, in addition to the lock on the handle, and it took about ten minutes to remove the first of these. At this rate of progress, there was at least another twenty minutes’ work – possibly more – and Bond guessed he didn’t have that kind of time at his disposal. At least Gardner is still capable of writing realistic spycraft when not going insane. quote:Quietly Bond lifted the handle and pulled the window in towards him. It did not squeak, but a chill blast of air hit him and he took several deep breaths to clear his head. He stood, ears straining for any sound that might come from the main terrace round the corner to his right. So...this was all just a pointless interlude then? quote:Carefully, making no noise, Bond eased his way through the window and pressed against the wall. Still there was no sound. Cautiously he peered round the corner of the building to the wide terrace, high above Salzburg. It was furnished with lamps, huge pots filled with flowers and white-painted garden furniture. Even Bond took in a quick, startled breath as he looked at the scene. The lamps blazed and the panorama of the new and old towns twinkled as a beautiful backdrop. The furniture was neatly arranged – as were the corpses. Good thing Bond took 45 minutes to escape! quote:Bond wondered when he had last witnessed a sight as revolting as this. The policeman’s hands and feet were tied together, and the point of the hook had been pushed into his throat. It was long enough to have penetrated the roof of the mouth, and to re-emerge through the left eye. Someone had taken great trouble to see that the big, ungainly man had suffered slowly and unremittingly. If the old Nazi stories were true, then whoever had done this wanted Inspektor Heinrich Osten’s death to be seen as poetic justice. Jesus, Gardner. quote:Bond swallowed and stepped towards the window. At that moment there came a grotesque background sound, mingling with the creaking of rope on hook. From across the street, a group of rehearsing musicians began to play. Mozart, naturally; Bond thought it was the sombre opening of the Piano Concerto No. 20, but his knowledge of Mozart was limited. Then farther down the street a jazz trumpeter, a busker probably, started up. It was an odd counterpoint, the Concerto mingling with the 1930s’ Big House Blues. Bond wondered if it were mere coincidence. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGldgW6mDnY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y_EovN5Rzo
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Jan 23, 2022 17:24
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Wow. That really was a completely pointless chapter, wasn't it
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Jan 23, 2022 21:56
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https://twitter.com/Ryzo_0451/status/1476023836466421762
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Jan 31, 2022 02:23
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Maybe of interest to some here. The lake at Verzasca (Golden Eye) is currently drained, so you can see the old roads and communities inside.
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Jan 31, 2022 09:49
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chitoryu12 posted:What kind of lame assassin has to rent a lair? Now all I can think is that it's an AirBNB and the owner's going to be absolutely horrified when they see what's gone on there. It was bad enough when someone used it for a porn movie, but this!?
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Jan 31, 2022 11:59
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Chapter 8: Under Disciplinequote:Bond needed time to think, but standing there on the terrace amidst the carnage was not conducive to concentration. It was now three o’clock in the morning. Apart from the music floating up from below, the city of Salzburg was silent – a glitter of lights, with the outline of mountains showing pitch black against the dark navy sky. Yes Bond, it still weighs the same. You don't need to do the cliche. quote:Then he went over and closed the windows, Der Haken’s body bumping heavily against the glass, and found the button which operated the curtains, blotting out the gruesome sight on the terrace. I don't think this era's Bond villains are very economic. quote:But if SPECTRE were responsible for knocking out the opposition, they surely would have disposed of him by now? Who could be left in the game? Perhaps one of the unsympathetic espionage organisations? If so, Bond’s first choice would be the current successors to his old enemy, SMERSH. Gardner still trying to justify Fleming's anachronistic use of the term. quote:What had happened was very much the concern of the Secret Intelligence Service, who had been running an agent of their own, Oleg Lyalin, deep within Department V. When Lyalin defected in the early 1970s, it took a little time for the K.G.B. to discover he had been a long-term mole. After that Department V had suffered a purge which virtually put it out of business. Finally returning to Fleming's use of real spy knowledge, Oleg Lyalin was a KGB agent in the Soviet Trade Delegation who had infiltrated England in the 1960s posing as a textile buyer. On August 31, 1971, he achieved the very Soviet accomplishment of being arrested for drunk driving before dawn. He immediately put his feet up on the cop's shoulders from the back seat and told him that he was a KGB officer and not to even speak to him. Obviously, this resulted in MI5 grabbing him as soon as the Soviets posted his bail. He had been in an affair with his secretary, Irina Teplyakova, and quickly agreed to defect in return for them getting asylum. He revealed the existence of the KGB's wetworks division, Department V, and got a record 105 Soviet spies ejected from the UK. They never managed to take care of him, and the two married and he lived until 1995. quote:In the meantime, there were very pressing problems. Check out the rooms which he thought contained Nannie and Sukie; and do something about getting out of the apartment block. The Bentley Mulsanne Turbo cannot be called the most discreet of vehicles. Bond reckoned that, with the alert still on, he could get about half a kilometre before being picked up. The literal Pope, or... quote:‘Do you realise it’s three in the morning? Where the hell are you? There’s been an almighty fuss. A senior Austrian police officer...’ I completely forgot the clinic was even part of the plot by this point. quote:Bond closed the line. He then went to the first of the two locked rooms and banged hard on the door. This time he thought he could hear muffled grunts coming from inside. The deadlock would have to be dealt with by brute force, whatever the noise. Remember how Fleming always made sure to have Bond be the one getting stripped and humiliated? To the point of leaving the women untouched at the time? I actually spoke with feminist Bond researcher Frieda Toth about this recently: Fleming didn't use his books to sexually humiliate women. Dr. No even ended with Honey Ryder domming him. The movies and later authors are the ones that created the impression of the Bond franchise as misogynistic and needing fixing. quote:He went across to the other room, where he succeeded in breaking in more quickly. Nannie was in the same situation, only she looked as though she bought her underwear from Fredericks of Hollywood. It was always the plain-looking ones, Bond thought, as she yelled, Stop it, Gardner. quote:At that moment the telephone started to ring. Bond lifted the receiver. What if that wasn't MI6? quote:‘A very senior officer’s on the way with a team,’ the Resident said. ‘For heaven’s sake be discreet, and tell only what is absolutely necessary. Then get to Vienna as fast as you can. That’s an order from on high.’ All suspiciously too small? quote:By the time he was off the telephone he could hear squeals of delight from one of the bathrooms, where the clothes had been found bundled into a cupboard. Sukie came through fully dressed but, almost blatantly, Nannie appeared doing up her stockings to her retrieved suspender belt, which still had holster and pistol in place. ...squeals of delight? quote:‘Let’s get some air in here,’ Sukie said, advancing towards the windows. Bond stepped in front of her, saying that he would not advise even opening the curtains, let alone the windows. Quietly, he explained why and told them to stay in the main room. Then he made his own way behind the drapes to let air into the room. And is definitely not another assassin? quote:‘I have been instructed by our Foreign Ministry and Security Departments,’ he began in almost unaccented English. ‘I understand that the Head of the Service to which you belong has also been in touch. All I want from you is a detailed statement. You will then be free to go. But, Mr Bond, I think it would be advisable for you to be out of Austria within twenty-four hours.’ This would actually become a common theme throughout future Bond films, starting with GoldenEye. The end of the Cold War and advancements in technology would lead to a major rethinking of how spycraft works, with a nation's enemies becoming more amorphous than other nations. Skyfall and Spectre in particular both base much of their plot on the British government trying to have the Double-O division shut down and Bond proving that there's still a place for him in saving the world. quote:With a detective’s knack of moving from a digression back to the mainstream of questioning, Becker asked about the motives of Heinrich Osten – Der Haken – and Bond gave him a word by word account of what had passed between them, again leaving out the core of the business concerning the Head Hunt. At what point is Bond ever going to get away with a lie? quote:Bond made a gesture of capitulation. ‘Okay, so the hostages are being held against me, and your colleague found out about the contract, which is worth a lot of money...’ An uncertain age can never be worth it! quote:‘Also a spinster,’ Bond said with a smile. ‘The answer is yes, I would do that – though I intend to do it without losing my head.’ Rude. quote:‘My information is, Mr Bond, that you have many times almost lost your head over...’ Okay, now you're getting a little on the nose with calling back to Fleming's writing. quote:Bond cut in sharply, ‘Can you tell me what actually happened? How the kidnap took place?’ Well, that was easy. quote:‘I do?’ Bond asked. Besides, it's a silver BMW Series 7 in the 1980s. That's like looking for a white pickup in America. quote:‘And there’s nothing else?’ I can't find any immediate confirmation on that trick. quote:‘They were accompanied,’ Kommissar Becker continued, ‘by two nurses and a doctor. The doctor was a young, tall, good-looking man with fair hair.’ It's cool. quote:As though in answer to his question, the telephone began to ring. Becker himself picked it up and said nothing, but waited for an identification on the line. His eyes flicked towards Bond, betraying signs of alarm. Are you seriously complaining that SPECTRE can't possibly get a luxury hotel booking? quote:The quaver in Kirchtum’s voice became more pronounced. ‘I assure you, Herr Bond, for these people nothing is impossible. They understand you have two ladies with you. They say they have a room reserved for them also. It is not the fault of the ladies that they have been ... have been ... I’m sorry, I cannot read the writing ... Ah, have been implicated. For the time being these ladies will stay at the Goldener Hirsch, you understand?’ Okay, I think they got it. quote:There was a moment’s silence. ‘The gentlemen here wish to play a tape for you. Are you ready?’ Unsmoked salmon! quote:He looked up. Becker was staring at him. ‘For pity’s sake, Kommissar, you didn’t hear any of that conversation.’
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Feb 5, 2022 18:44
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While up in Michigan, I decided to check off a Bond hobby: skiing!  This is incredibly hard! I’m so sore!
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Feb 13, 2022 19:10
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You'll never convince me it didn't go down exactly like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUuMjlK22vs
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Feb 13, 2022 23:20
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There are so many ski chases in Bond movies, it's like -- Bond, dude, buddy. After a while shouldn't you notice that every single time you go to the slopes, angry men with guns try to kill you? not that I'm complaining because a lot of those ski sequences are awesome as hell. related to that, I've been listening to a Bond movie rewatch podcast (one of the hosts LOVES ski chases, so that's where I realized this happens in a lot of movies) and it's been interesting re-evaluating my opinions on films, ones I like or don't like and realizing it's not always the actor, sometimes it's the production being weirdly self-sabotaging. Which they did all the time. I'm pretty sure the hosts have not read every Fleming book because I can't help but compare to the book Bond and they never do. That's valid, of course, the movies are their own force and at this point have been for decades, but it does lead to some really different takes on character portrayal. Then again, Gardner has his own take on the character and also tonally self-sabotages on the regular though, makes you wonder...
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Feb 14, 2022 20:31
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Any interesting insights on the movies? They strike me as cheesy and flawed with some cool ideas, on the whole
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Feb 14, 2022 21:54
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 The single frame I looked cool on a snowboard. The rest was me bruising my tailbone on ice.
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Feb 15, 2022 01:49
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Remember the painting in the Dr. No movie? https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-60413468
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Feb 26, 2022 20:26
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poisonpill posted:Any interesting insights on the movies? They strike me as cheesy and flawed with some cool ideas, on the whole That's a pretty good one sentence summary of the franchise To answer though, the hosts tended to do some research into context, DVD special features, and keeping a tab with the internet movie plane database open but really it's a vehicle for two fans to have fun while doing some critical re-evaluation of the entire franchise - each film on its own, each film as it fits into fifty years of Bond films. I have definitely learned some new things about each film, but it's not trying to be a deeply researched dive into every frame. It's mostly just the two guys talking about a franchise they like a lot, but calling it like they see it too -- 1967 Casino Royale was banished to the Worst Film realm, as it deserves. It's got fun trivia and an opportunity to re-evaluate why my favorites are my favorites. I think I'm a little cooler on Connery, a little warmer on Moore, and considering the effusive praise for OHMSS I really gotta give Lazenby's one outing another go sometime. Dalton still great, Brosnan slid into that role so smoothly it was incredible, only to be defeated by scriptwriting. I haven't finished the Craig film episodes yet but I also haven't seen No Time To Die (don't tell anyone) so that might wait a while. In hindsight it's bleakly funny Goldeneye had the entire Q scene with the exploding pen and the "don't say it!" jokes and then Brosnan's future movies were all, um, not as good. The writing was on the wall all along... chitoryu12 posted:Remember the painting in the Dr. No movie? now speaking of things I learned about from this very podcast: Yes! I do remember that painting! I should see if I can track this down because it sounds like a great film. Jim Broadbent is great in everything I've seen him do. Psion fucked around with this message at 02:23 on Mar 2, 2022 |
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Mar 2, 2022 02:12
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We’ll actually be also doing the novelizations of every Brosnan film in here, plus Licence to Kill! That one is the only one to be definitively in the literary Bond timeline. The way they handle the shark attack on Leiter when he already got attacked in Live and Let Die is…well, Gardner. Edit: Or perhaps Douglas Adams. chitoryu12 fucked around with this message at 16:52 on Mar 2, 2022 |
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Mar 2, 2022 16:41
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Chapter 9: Vampire No! Wrong thread! Turn left! Turn left! quote:Salzburg was crowded – a large number of American citizens were out to see Europe before they died, and an equally large number of Europeans were out to see Europe before it completely changed into Main Street Common Market. Many thought they were already too late, but Salzburg, with the ghost of Mozart, and its own particular charm, did better than most.  Behind this unassuming front in the old part of Salzburg is a pricey luxury hotel in a set of apartments built around 1407. By 1596, the homes had become a tavern and inn that continues to operate. quote:‘How in the name of Blessed St Michael did you get reservations at the Goldener Hirsch?’ asked Nannie. Depends on how much Gardner needs to pad the book out. quote:Before they left the Bentley, Nannie cleared her throat. You barely know him! quote:‘Sukie’s instructed me to remain with you. To mind you, James, and, while I’m at it, she’s coming along for the ride.’ Under what circumstances would MI6 order him to take hostages to protect himself??? quote:‘I might need some stamps,’ Bond said, quietly, to Sukie as they approached the hotel. ‘Quite a lot. Enough for a small package to the U.K. Could you get them? Send a few innocuous postcards by the porter, and collect some stamps at the same time if you would.’  A more appropriate tone for Gardner. quote:As the porter left, closing the door discreetly behind him, Bond heard Kirchtum’s warning again clear in his head: ‘You will ... await instructions ... You will on no account contact your people in London.’ So, for the time being at least, it would be folly to telephone London, or even Vienna and report progress. Whoever had fixed the bookings would also have seen that his telephone was wired somewhere in the network outside the hotel. Even using the CC500 would alert them to the fact that he was making contact with the outside world. Yet he must keep Headquarters informed. This is only midway through the chapter. Apologies for the extremely long delay, as my personal life has been incredibly busy and chaotic. I just wanted to make sure something was out so you all know I'm not dead!
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Jun 24, 2022 02:27
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Thanks for the update!
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Jun 24, 2022 03:28
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Yeah, I'm glad you're still doing this too, and hope your problems aren't too heavy.
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Jun 28, 2022 17:08
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Agreed on both points.
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Jun 28, 2022 20:29
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Nothing bad! Building a company from scratch is just very difficult and has consumed a lot of the time I used to have for these threads.
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Jun 28, 2022 22:21
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He read us 15+ different ways SPECTRE hosed up, he got this.
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Jun 29, 2022 04:56
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I'm still catching up on this amazing thread, but just wanted to join the Hatfield pile-on and state for the record that the totally rad nunchaku-festooned finale is smushed together from two different sequences in Goldman's Marathon Man. "Noonchuck, the whites called it," is a direct lift, unfortunately.
filmcynic fucked around with this message at 01:54 on Jun 30, 2022 |
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Jun 30, 2022 01:30
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In the middle of writing. On a hiatus because I kinda sorta got hit by a car and I can’t get my arm up to my desk yet.
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Jul 9, 2022 17:34
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chitoryu12 posted:In the middle of writing. On a hiatus because I kinda sorta got hit by a car and I can’t get my arm up to my desk yet. James Bond would have shrugged that off and gotten a new car from Q. Get your poo poo in order, in the nicest possible way.
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Jul 9, 2022 18:19
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Oh I wasn’t in a car. I was in a crosswalk and the guy rolled through without looking. Full flip over the hood, shoes flying. Stunt and fight training is the only reason I probably survived.
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Jul 9, 2022 21:59
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