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i did a bump of ketamine back January and realized i have autism after i read a thread on here and asked some questions (or ketamine causes autism??)and in another thread like right afterwards, hyperlexia(i overprocess language nonstop, my internal monologue is all visual language, not speech at all ever. i learned how to read at 18mo Automatically how the gently caress did i not get diagnosed or even know that was a thing id learned how to cope by disassociating hardcore and just not paying any attention to my body and actively ignoring and doing the opposite of signals it would tell me i think the Drugs leveled out the amount of disassociation so that everything wasn't so compartmentalized and let me notice how loving WACK my senses are, while i was reading a thing about how wack sensory issues from autism can be, and it was like oh dang i have *extremely* sensitive hearing, can't block out sounds, ever, sensitive to light, auditory speech processing stuff makes it tough to listen to lectures & similar buf i treated everything like it was what everybody must go through, all of it I've never given myself a break on anything I've always just thought I'm garbage if i haven't been able to figure something out - I'm pretty good at figuring things out which tricked me into thinking i wasn't trying hard enough with anything not Normal or that I'd struggle with where most people don't and it made me v. frustrated and fulla self loathing There's a thing that's common with autism called alexithymia where you can't process/identify your emotions and I've had that heavy for like a decade at least and just felt dead inside and everything outside too harsh & don't know why i thought i was just old or something but I'd been trying to live as a person that never actually existed kinda, handwaving stuff as just "oh ive got sensitive hearing" "oh I'm just kinda awkward/absent minded "and burying anything that stuck out Because Society Punishes You Very Harshly - i never had a diagnosis so everything was My Fault. Gaslit by reality since childhood lol no really think about that it sucks to have people expect things from you that you will Never naturally do and to also scold and ridicule the things that you do do, for your whole life oh my god Confusing poo poo jf c when i figured out wtf it was and stopped saying 'nah it's some other reason, one that's my fault because i could change it but don't', I had parts of my life suddenly reframe in the context of having quite extensive neurological differences from most people and not just because im one Weird Fucker whos No Good It was like a big knot came undone and i had emotions come dumping out like some poo poo in a movie or how ayhuasca trips sound, i felt poo poo i haven't felt since i was a child, stuff that had been locked up and never allowed to process, super clearly. I've never heard of this happening to anyone ever? it happened for like 2 weeks, each day it'd build up I'd dump out memories and emotions and reprocess them in a way that made sense, puke (???was weird), and then have emotions radiating through my skin and crystal clear and slept great and like connected to myself when i haven't been for most of my life I've been covering up a lot of parts of myself 24/7 more of my life than not and still don't really know who i am but at least I'm not ignoring every signal thats like 'this is me' 'i like/don't like this' it feels good to have the person you are make sense to you? lol my whole life I've only ever focused on things that aren't myself, ever, because i never made any sense to myself or anyone else and that was frustrating as gently caress so I'd just detach and be sad, this has been the first time in decades i don't feel that way its cool  long but anyway thats my story thanks something awful forums but also kinda gently caress you for making me think autism was fedoraguy stereotypes for like a decade plus from you shitheads(incl. me) perpetuating em instead of recognizing it was the literal thing i was struggling with my whole life, which you ultimately helped me figure out, so in the end: thank you, and ketamine
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Jun 7, 2023 08:06
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 23:49 |
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