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Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb? I gaze deep into its mysterious depths to conjure a view of the Olympic women's beach volleyball change room, and just as it's about to resolve, it changes to some goofy minstrel singing an annoying song on loop. edit: I know you are reading this. Switching it to the troll changing room. Very funny. Please just grow up and put it back to either humans or elves.
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Jun 1, 2023 18:45
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The Butcher posted:Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb? Wtf? My sister is in that locker room you pervert! I wasn't the one who messed with your orb, but you have a lot more to worry about now. Unless you want a minotaur dropping on your head every time you swat a fly, you'd best find something better to scry on!
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Jun 1, 2023 19:16
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I have a troll half sister and honestly, she wouldn’t mind the attention
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Jun 1, 2023 19:19
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The Butcher posted:Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb? It's not your orb. They almost certainly caught you peeping and paid for a scrying protection glyph. Trust me, this kind of prank screams of good wizards to me. The troll channel seems kind of tame unless it's to distract you from something else...
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Jun 1, 2023 20:08
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The Butcher posted:Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb? Just lol if you feel any lust for flesh that isn't already dead. Christ I'm old
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Jun 1, 2023 20:59
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Deki posted:It's not your orb. They almost certainly caught you peeping and paid for a scrying protection glyph. Now that you know it's probably an enchantment, just back-trace it to find out who made it and then shift their alignment without them knowing. A scrying glyph that specific is gonna need a lot of Good and a lot of Order to maintain. Changing one is ok both would be better, but Order is way easier to do on account of morality is pretty arbitrary and really just part of the larger social contract: just buy off some of his local politicians and get them to make something the guy really likes, illegal. Even better if it's something he'll fight for! There's this Demi-Lich on the United States Supreme Court whose agenda requires a shift in regional alignments toward Chaos, so he keeps overturning basic human rights stuff, and all these Lawful and Neutral Good normies go out and fight in the streets over the stuff! not really sure what his ultimate goal is with all that but w/e if he really fucks poo poo up i'll just cut my workshop in the americas off from my portal door Changing his Good/Evil axis is more of a crapshoot. It just kinda happens and it's one of those macrocosmic forces where if you try to change it, you'll have the weight of the entire universe's greater ecosystem pushing back against you--good guys are good for the same reason the weather is the weather, there are bigger interconnected forces at play than a meager meteorologist can conceive of. No, I wouldn't recommend messing around with that. Like sure, you can make any lawful stupid paladin fall, but that's literally expected within the narrative laws of our universe. But you can't just switch Elminster's alignment, because that's pushing too hard against the Flow. I'm not saying you can't give it a nudge. My Good/Evil shifted 20 points towards Neutral in one day and all I did was fall through a misfired dimension door into a Japanese furry convention that I ended up having a little too much fun at... subscribe him to a year of PonyFans and see if it takes, bronies are evil poo poo Fur20 fucked around with this message at 22:37 on Jun 1, 2023 |
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Jun 1, 2023 22:32
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Fur20 posted:Like sure, you can make any lawful stupid paladin fall, but that's literally expected within the narrative laws of our universe. Speaking of, what's everyone's favorite ways to force a Paladin to fall? Some of my recent fun ones were: - Hiring entirely neutral/good villagers to guard suspected dungeon locations, and triggering a fall when the trigger happy paladin guts them - Hiring easily bribeable subordinates, who also are willing to direct the paladin to one of my treasure hoards to plunder (in reality, some villager's stockpiled ancestral wealth). Sometimes just the bribes alone will trigger it. - Tricking the paladin into thinking I'm a subordinate of their liege lord, who is the true mastermind villain, and having them go off to fight their own king - Gonzalo's 2 month survivalist pocket dimension trap + 5 pounds of shoggoth hentai (don't ask how I got it)
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Jun 2, 2023 19:37
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I simply introduce them to AM talk radio and the problem takes care of itself.
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Jun 2, 2023 20:15
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Deki posted:Speaking of, what's everyone's favorite ways to force a Paladin to fall? oh man tell us about this one some more
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Jun 2, 2023 20:27
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I prefer to turn them gay by tricking them into drinking a "holy tonic" with same chemicals that make the frogs gay. Most of the time they Crack ping and fall after a few days because they're conservative world view puts them into a state of perpetual shame and lust . when they go back to their order's fortress it's nothing but gay thoughts for the other paladins and inevitably leads to a fall since despite their rhetoric of acceptance they are so narrow minded that the can't see there's no problem with being gay. I tried out the chemicals on this radio host first and it drove him insane:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JRLCBb7qK8
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Jun 2, 2023 20:32
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naem posted:oh man tell us about this one some more Okay, so this guy, Gonzalo the magnificent, goes to make a pair of spells. One spell creates a bubble dimension positively lined with protective and healing wards, and the other teleports a user to it. It was meant to be an emergency panic button for Adventurers, but when Gonzalo went to test the finalized spell after supplying the dimension with enough food and water just in case, he realized he forgot to create a way to naturally get out, and so he had to wait out the spell duration due to the dimension locking spells as a safety measure. Well, the 2 months it was designed to last is a long time to sit in a bubble about 15 feet in diameter with no means of entertaining oneself, and Old Gonzalo went a bit mad. So when his notes were found, along with his mad ravings about hating/loving the bubble were found, it was quickly found to be a very excellent trap, since the bubble dimension can be set to rescue other people than the caster. So what you do is you cast the spell to create the bubble, you fill it with food, water, and the most *disgusting* shoggoth pornography you can find, and you trap a paladin in it. The second they even *think* about using that pornography to relieve the extreme tedium, your average lawful/good god will be furious. Worst case scenario, they come out angry 2 months later, and you can do it all over again or just kill em.
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Jun 2, 2023 21:04
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Deki posted:Speaking of, what's everyone's favorite ways to force a Paladin to fall? I once got an evil bard to enchant my skeletons into a marching band playing the entire Nickleback discography. After a month of musical torture in the dungeons he willingly renounced his oath. It certainly isn't the most practical method but by far the most unique.
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Jun 2, 2023 22:25
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Deki posted:Okay, so this guy, Gonzalo the magnificent, goes to make a pair of spells. One spell creates a bubble dimension positively lined with protective and healing wards, and the other teleports a user to it. It was meant to be an emergency panic button for Adventurers, but when Gonzalo went to test the finalized spell after supplying the dimension with enough food and water just in case, he realized he forgot to create a way to naturally get out, and so he had to wait out the spell duration due to the dimension locking spells as a safety measure. Dia-bolical where, would one even PURCHASE such an item as shoggoth pornography?? for research purposes of course
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Jun 2, 2023 22:55
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Stanley Tucheetos posted:I once got an evil bard to enchant my skeletons into a marching band playing the entire Nickleback discography. After a month of musical torture in the dungeons he willingly renounced his oath. It certainly isn't the most practical method but by far the most unique. How did you get the skeletons to work the brass and woodwind sections? Update on my stupid bird situation: I ended up ordering some bird-eating snake eggs from the EvilCo catalogue and hatched them in an accelerated time bubble. Lost a few of them to cannibalism but they don't seem to have lost their appetite for bird-flesh! Little dudes just slithered right up the trees in the forest and sat there waiting for the birds and started chowing down once the flock showed up. Problem solved! Also now I have an island with a shitload of these new snake friends. They're pretty cute, actually. I think I'm going to use my fell sorceries to get them fraudulently put on the endangered species list and make sure those birds don't bother me again. Those birds are absolutely endangered now, though.
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Jun 2, 2023 22:59
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naem posted:Dia-bolical Pretty sure you just go to J-List.
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Jun 2, 2023 23:11
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naem posted:Dia-bolical i get all my shoggoth doujins at arcaniket, held on the second floor of a certain office building in akihabara every total lunar eclipse. it isn't really marked and there's only a discreet sign out front directing you to the event so you kind of have to pay attention to find it
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Jun 2, 2023 23:26
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naem posted:Dia-bolical I had a Lairmate back when I was fresh out of apprenticeship who was an Ascendant of the Void. Had to banish him because he wasn't paying his fair share of the mana costs for the wards, and would just sit around all day playing with my golems instead of committing acts of evil like a responsible adult. He never came back for his stuff, and while I was able to sell most of it, nobody wanted the pornography. And honestly, I can't blame them. There are infinite Shoggoths in infinite body combinations in the void, and all their porn is so uninspired and vanilla that it's honestly kinda sad.
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Jun 3, 2023 01:53
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You guys seen what’s on the market for living walls these days? It’s real sad. 18,000 big ones for this runt! Might as well rent a backhoe and go dig up a paupers’ field myself.
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Jun 4, 2023 03:59
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I made my tower invisible last night on a drunken dare and now I can't find it anymore. I went to go find the rear end in a top hat bard who goaded me into it, but apparently I made him invisible too out of frustration about the tower thing. I don't know how to make things not invisible so now I just have this disembodied ghostly lute music following me around and it's driving me loving nuts. I'm gonna need to go ask a favor from that goody two shoes nice wizard in the next village over to unfuck all this poo poo. Worst part is? He won't even be like "this comes with dire consequences!" it's all "hey, we all make mistakes, we might have magic but at the end of the day, aren't we all just human?" loving gag me. I hate good wizards. I hate bards. When I get my tower visible again I'm just going to drink alone in it and maybe check up on my exes with my orb.
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Jun 4, 2023 17:47
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Invisibility offers no protection from great balls of fire. If anything, the soot and ash should outline the tower perfectly!
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Jun 4, 2023 17:49
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The Butcher posted:I made my tower invisible last night on a drunken dare and now I can't find it anymore. Dude release the spell, you're like Homer Simpson stuck in two vending machines.
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Jun 4, 2023 18:09
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sweet geek swag posted:Dude release the spell, you're like Homer Simpson stuck in two vending machines. The bard following him is probably subtly and constantly manipulating his mind so he never even considers doing that. Which is brilliant. Someone should see if we can recruit that guy, he has the moxie and spite to go far as an evil sorcerer.
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Jun 5, 2023 15:05
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Does the world need another evil sorcerer? No, it has plenty. But an evil Bard is novel territory. (A&R Executives don’t count.)
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Jun 5, 2023 15:17
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Automatic Slim posted:Does the world need another evil sorcerer? No, it has plenty. But an evil Bard is novel territory. (A&R Executives don’t count.) Oh, it's been tried before, and there are reasons no one wants to go down that road again. You would not believe the earworms they put out. I saw an entire village devoured by them, which is a shame, because the inn there did a hell of a mutton melt.
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Jun 5, 2023 16:05
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oh man, mutton so i’ve mentioned how I feed adventurers to my skeleton pit? and the skeletons gnaw off the flesh of the living, which is like their one driving urge besides digging tunnels they they decorate with spooky dungeon vibes (which by the way i never told them to do it seems to be instinctive) anyways there was an adventuring lull in the 1340’s and I got the bright idea to pay a farmer for some animals, to feed the skeletons. I hadn’t figured out yet that they just kinda gnaw the bits off and let them fall to the floor through their rib cage and they don’t NEED to eat, it’s just a fun enrichment activity so I herded some sheep into the pit and WOW did they make a mess. Adventurers put up a fight and go into it willingly knowing there is danger, but animals are all cute and don’t understand what is happening. I’m evil and all but I felt like a real a-hole. And THEN, it’s like, now there are undead sheep skeletons down there and THEY want to eat people too and it’s just super grody. they still move in herds too and a bunch of sheep skeletons yelling “meat” instead of “baa,” it’s not on brand for my business of selling skeleton armies. the sheep are pure overhead. also the wool got all stuck in the skeletons teeth and they look like they have little beards now some of them although I charge more for those and say they were barbarians
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Jun 5, 2023 17:23
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Automatic Slim posted:Does the world need another evil sorcerer? No, it has plenty. But an evil Bard is novel territory. (A&R Executives don’t count.) there are tons of evil bards bro. kid rock. kanye west. celine dion. bts. hell pretty much the only ones who didn't sell their soul this generation are indies, psy, or already dead e: and zuntata Fur20 fucked around with this message at 20:08 on Jun 5, 2023 |
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Jun 5, 2023 20:04
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They're warlocks, you goddamned sorcerer. Just because someone's got a guitar or swings their hips on stage doesn't make them a bard, especially if they "sold their soul"
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Jun 5, 2023 21:27
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Multi-classers exist, you know. I knew a guy who started off as a rogue who found out a little too late in life that he had magical heritage and started learning the sorcerous arts. He was a great customer of mine, kind of a lovely sorcerer but he made it work for him. Until he got caught robbing a dragon's hoard and found out that invisibility and stealth didn't cut it.
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Jun 5, 2023 22:15
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Fur20 posted:there are tons of evil bards bro. kid rock. kanye west. celine dion. bts. hell pretty much the only ones who didn't sell their soul this generation are indies, psy, or already dead every so often you get a Neutral bard, which has its advantages in terms of getting your tunes into literally every possible set of ears but you end up with a--how should I put this?--distinctly uneven body of work, and it's trickier than you might think to pen a Temporary Secretary that perfectly negates a Maybe I'm Amazed
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Jun 5, 2023 22:28
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Which of you fuckers posed for that airbrushed van I've been seeing around? Sweet
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Jun 16, 2023 20:21
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Jul 11, 2023 04:01
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Just LOL if your tower, dungeon, or other place of business doesn't stand in unincorporated lands, barren, noxious or otherwise. Like my man the benefits of a dirt road leading to your keep aren't worth the headache.
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Jul 11, 2023 04:11
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Oh gently caress I just scried the inside of that carriage parked outside your tower. Bad news it's got IRS (infernal rot squid) agents in there. You forgot to pay the old ones their blood tax Take a look: 
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Jul 11, 2023 04:12
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Ok so, this is a little embarrassing but I could use some advice. Awhile back, when I was young and horny, I did this infernal deal to make me attractive to a particular (dumb, but hot) person. It worked real well, so I did it a few more times whenever I got tired of the old model. But somehow the overlapping incantations kinda took on a life of their own and started spreading so now every dumb person who sees me starts to worship me, even the ones who are not hot.  At first it was kinda nice, I let them make me their god-emperor and they brought me steaks and cold drinks and taco salads whenever I wanted. Sometimes I set them to fighting each other for the LOLs. But then, they started wanting me to actually do like, god-stuff. Which is annoying because it doesn't benefit me so why would I even care? But they keep praying and begging and crowding around and touching me with their dirty peasant hands. I just want them to go away! I tried ignoring them and mocking them but it made them love me more. Tried inciting them to war so they'd all get killed off, but the dumbasses only wandered around the battlefield until they got lost or bored, so barely a handful died. Lately I have tried acting like a drooling idiot myself; I figured the more I act like them the more repulsive I would be (gods know they are disgusting and off-putting). But no matter how idiotically I behave, they are still there with the chanting and the worshipping and the "oh please smite my enemies" and ugh. Please don't ask me to cancel the original deal, that would mean I would lose my pulling power for the actual hot ones. I just wanna know how I can make the rest of the shambling masses go back to worshipping from afar and not expecting results?
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Jul 11, 2023 04:59
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Set up a caste system for your followers where the wretched and ugly become beautiful demigods in the next life if they work sufficiently hard in your name on your projects (but stay away). Make it also so they need to select their most attractive as GodSpeakers so that they are sent directly to a town/province/whatever of your choosing. That won't solve your problem of walking down through market and having every two bit moron waiting to slurp your toes, but it will keep them from.trying to get at your keep. Bingobongo simple
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Jul 11, 2023 05:17
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FilthyImp posted:Set up a caste system for your followers where the wretched and ugly become beautiful demigods in the next life if they work sufficiently hard in your name on your projects (but stay away). Hmm, I like your thinking. Maybe I will institute some kind of pageant so they can self-select the hotties from the uggos.
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Jul 11, 2023 06:02
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Well, if you do that there needs to be a counter-contest (like a Sow/Harvest dynamic) where the ugliest uggerson is revered and, iono, given an important post to manage or a public works program to oversee. Because such was their capacity for kindness and humility and service, that they were graced with a countenance of equal humility. Or whatever. You don't want the hunchback slothpeople to get antsy and like smother the prettyfolk prematurely. If they're good at the job then they get to retire in relative comfort. If they gently caress and and die, then they received their reward in the next life or whathaveyou.
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Jul 11, 2023 06:34
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If they see you as a god start acting like one. The hot ones are your proselytizers and PR like FilthyImp said. Send the ugly ones on a quest for some hard to get item or fools errand, it doesn't matter. Most of them will die or get lost by attrition. The ones that comeback successfully are granted your favor or boon. Wouldn't it be easier to sacrifice these Dumb Souls to what ever infernal powers you made your deals with? It would wipe the slate clean of whatever debt you owe and get rid of that headache of your adoring public. Gotta say, OP, you've got an easy in on starting your own religion, it's a shame you aren't taking it. And religions are tax free.
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Jul 11, 2023 06:55
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Yeah that's cool OP but I made a special spell so women never speak to me so I can study and craft magic better.
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Jul 11, 2023 07:01
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HelleSpud posted:Which of you fuckers posed for that airbrushed van I've been seeing around? I had one of these and made the mistake of making it my mobile fortress. You know, one of those bigger on the inside situations. The accoutrements were awesome but even though the lair maybe in a pocket dimension, the chassis and engine are in this one and with all that extra weight the gas mileage suuuucked. The materials for placing manor in another dimension inside the van was exorbitant but the amount of gas and engine wear it takes haul the extra dimension was prohibitive. A real shame I had to give it up, the art work on the side was bitchin'.
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Jul 11, 2023 07:13
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