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Prof. Crocodile posted:so i hate to be this guy, but i want to revisit the whole 'cloak' thing. Do what you want, but honestly I couldn't imagine battling the forces of good in anything other than my evil emperor's regalia. It gives me a more regal and sinister appearance for keeping my minions, apprentices, and the like in line without lifting a finger. But the regalia is invisible to those who are pure of heart, so the last thing adventurers invading my domain see is my wrinkly old wizard balls.
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Sep 1, 2020 04:57
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Just go down to your nearest medium sized town, kidnap some skilled tradesmen, and then bond their souls to an empty golem shell or suit of armor or honestly anything that's inert and vaguely human shaped. Sure, a few will not survive the bonding process or will immediately try to strike you down out of rage, but most will serve you out of fear, and occasionally you get the guy who is actually excited to become an immortal nigh indestructible being who gets to work on badass fortresses and palaces instead of being forced to patch lovely little hovels and wooden stake walls until he dies of consumption. It works so much better than necromancy, really. Just don't put an unwilling soul into anything you might have trouble putting down.
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Aug 5, 2021 14:26
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Yvershek posted:How should I deal with the local villagers? They are catching on to the years of one of them mysteriously disappearing every other month. Personally, I deal with this problem by simply not making GBS threads where I eat. The locals think I'm just some eccentric hermit, and I just come out to heal a sick child or cow once every few months. I just teleport using my moon gates to whatever location I feel like terrorizing that night, usually on another continent. I usually feign a limp and a cough to really sell the "completely harmless" bit.
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Aug 15, 2021 02:30
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Vinny Possum posted:Newbie here. I'm trying to summon a demon (revenge reasons), and I think I accidentally sent my summons to the wrong hell. I keep hearing from lonely succubi in my area, imps offering to make my penis larger, and some guys who really want me to play with their puzzlebox. I'm so flooded in hellish correspondence that for all I know a revenge demon took me up on my offer, but is simply lost in the barrage of shady faustian advertisements. Revenge Demons aren't' worth it if you're not a full expert on the binding laws of Hell. They'll do your dirty work and then immediately start poking around your victim's relatives looking for one who is willing to sign a blood contract for it to destroy you. There's a reason they don't take a soul fee up front. It's all a big trap. If you're a newbie, do your own dirty work a couple of times before you start offloading it to your legions of damned. Nobody respects the first time necromancer/demonlogist who refuses to get his hands dirty
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Mar 28, 2022 20:37
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EmbryoSteve posted:If you use a revenge demon you gotta utilize a "fall soul" for this very reason. just get some rube who wants to learn how to be a dark wizard to make the contract with the demon. This one works but you gotta play it right. The Demon just wants as many souls as possible. If your fall guy realizes he's been tricked, that Demon's might just try for the three-fer. Seriously, everyone's gotta start somewhere, rushing into pacts with the lower powers is a bad idea that ends with a lot of promising youngsters screaming with madness or being slowly dragged into hell while their "docile" imp familiar howls with laughter at them. I wasn't always a soul bound to an enchanted 30 foot tall steel Juggernaught. My first time I killed for revenge, it was with a loose brick. By the time I started communing with the outer planes, I had street cred and plenty of time to prepare since I didn't rush it.
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Mar 28, 2022 21:58
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Yvershek posted:I'm at my wits end from being both an environmentalist and a dark wizard. I'm only able to practice in remote regions and they end up ruined. Have you considered Rot druidry? Very similar effects to necromancy, and there's all sorts of molds, fungi, and poisonous flowers that thrive in that poo poo. I also know a guy who trapped an entire forest in a single moment between Life or death. It's not environmentally friendly, but he can commune with all sorts of dark beings while still living in a woodland paradise. If you only care about the Aesthetics of your lair (We're all dark wizards, we don't judge), it's something to look into.
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Mar 28, 2022 23:32
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Anyone else raising a dark apprentice? I've been raising mine for about a decade now and I'm worried he's just a little bit too good to make a good Dark Wizard. Little bastard hasn't even tried to betray me or strike out on his own to do his own dark bidding. I feel like such a disappointment. I was trying to destroy my master 5 years into my apprenticeship (and succeeded in 8). ilovebeersooomuch posted:Do any other Dark Wizards celebrate their death day? I have not (I would think such things are for those of poor emotional control) but I was considering some light nonbinding sacrificial blood letting of some commoners in my honor. Maybe some kidnappings. You know - fun! In my neck of the woods the only wizards who make a big deal about it are the weirdos who are just a little too into Necromancy and a little too happy to be of deceased flesh. I'm not saying not to do it, but maybe keep it private and low key. You might attract some weird fuckers.
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Apr 8, 2022 04:29
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Hihohe posted:Warlock detected. why dont you ask your mommy for magic lessons and leave the real magic to the real wizards Never got the point of being a Warlock. Oooh, you get magic powers from an outer power that now basically owns your rear end. You skip a few years of magical training in return for decades or centuries of thralldom. You can't even rise up and usurp your master because they can disable your power at a whim. You're like an even shittier sorcerer
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May 20, 2022 03:16
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Fur20 posted:i've never really seen any great evil spells tbh, all my really good ones come from the chaos tree. people talk about Web or Glitterdust being top tier, but Imperiling Shart is truly the most powerful second-circle spell Necromancy is the big exception, but I mostly agree. Feels like every time an evil tome crosses my path, everything's just an inferior version of a more neutral spell. You're paying a premium for the infernal theming and satisfaction of casting. Meanwhile there's a bog standard neutral spell that does the job better/cheaper.
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Apr 28, 2023 00:19
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Man, are the infernal realms doing a recruitment drive lately or something? They've been bothering me something fierce lately, offering all sorts of soul pacts and infernal knowledge if I signed up with them, but I've already conquered the local realm without their help, I have zero interest in trading away my soul for whatever pathetic boons they're offering. Offering fourth level spells for signing away my soul is just insulting. Their latest high pressure sales tactic is threatening to get me reclassified as Lawful netural, since technically my dark regime is still more beneficial and kind to the average peasant than regular Feudalism. It's not my fault those inbred cousinfuckers don't know how to properly keep things running. I'm not about to grow out a pencil thin mustache and kick puppies just to satisfy some nerd rear end demon Bureaucrat. Anway, it's getting annoying and messenger imps tend clog up the anima furnaces when chucked in, so I'm looking for a way to get these assholes off my back.
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Apr 30, 2023 17:46
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naem posted:it is rough when immortal or near immortal being get older and are living on social security for multiple lifetimes. the money just doesn’t go very far by the end of the month. In the old days a wizard would catch himself slipping, and would know it's time to immediately go out and recruit an ambitious and unscrupulous apprentice, or immediately pull the trigger on those risky plans for apotheosis they had sitting around. Some would say that's better than what we've got now.
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May 1, 2023 20:32
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I never got the hassle some of you have with Paladins, they're easy to spot. If a bulky knight shows up without a horse or any attendants to be seen, just fuckin kill em. Chances are, they're a paladin. If not, who cares? It's rogues that vex me to no end. No matter how much I beef up security, at least a couple times a year I'll walk by and notice some inbred halfling with nothing but 2 lock picks and a looting bag working on some locked door in the middle of my dark fortress. I tried creating child sized "vents" as traps for the little fuckers, but it only catches about half of them, it hasn't solved the problem. Fur20 posted:pro tip paladins will just shoot you and say they thought you were evil, even if you're neutral or good. always take a few levels in Monk Sometimes their patron god will still take offense and depower them for killing an innocent, but then they just get hired on to crusade with some other lawful/good rear end in a top hat diety a few months later.
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May 8, 2023 20:44
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Tunicate posted:Pocket dimensions are great traps until you have a rogue carrying an incompatible storage format. One portable hole-induced resonance cascade and your best case secnario is that your lair ends up drifting in the astral plane. Ah, don't get me started on pocket dimension issues. I spent years wondering why all the pocket dimensions I tried to create/link to from my lair were all hosed up and wrong. I knew there was an ancient tomb city in an aetherial bubble that overlapped our world at a point inside my dark lair (hell, it's why I built it there) I didn't realize it was going to gently caress up all sorts of dimensional magic near it. On the plus side, it's very entertaining when some idiot attempts to teleport into my lair. But that's because I'm not the one who has to clean up the mess.
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May 8, 2023 21:41
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Over the weekend I started a project to actually go through and read some of the Grimoires I'd been hoarding and amassing over the years. It's funny how you'll buy/loot one with the intention of going straight home and reading it, but then 1000 years later it's still just sitting around unread in your library. Anyhoo, here are the ones I read this weekend and my ratings: Narciccisto's Supreme Grimoire: Your basic repertoire of spells, but all modified with mental glyphs that make the caster wildly overestimate the power and effect of the spell in question. Halfway through reading through the self-indulgent notes I realized that the idiot who penned this likely didn't realize what his glyph was doing and that this tome wasn't a joke or scam like I had thought. Anyway, explains why it's author thought he could take me on with nothing but basic fireballs and magic missiles, Rating: ★★☆☆☆ - Basic, but comprehensive. Give to an apprentice you don't care much for to eventually see some great comedy. Cuneiform tablets of the first wizard of Ur - A bunch of agricultural and weather manipulation spells. You'd think that it'd be worthless to the modern dark wizard, but the observations as to the nature of primal magic shown in the tablets was centuries ahead of it's time. The actual spells are rather useless given their inefficiency, but like all primal magic, are a blast to bust out. Rating: ★★★★☆ - I can see why this one's a classic for a reason. Very concise and to the point (mostly because written language was still a new and exciting concept at the time of writing). Hidebound codex of Mad lord Geoffrey, the Reanimator - I'm an immortal sorcerer bound to a titanic golem shell and even I was mad about how much of my time this piece of poo poo wasted. His grand observations into the nature of life and death effectively boil down to "People die when they run out of blood" and "Flesh golems move around like they're real people". Complete trash. It makes sense why the author died to a crowd of lowly peasants. The recipe for a flesh golem is also very subpar. Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ - The mindless flesh golem would have written a better tome. Dripping journal of the sewer cult - I'm glad I had the forethought to use a proxy for this one. This tome has all sorts of goodies if you're into disease magic or just making things generally unpleasant for others. The book might only seem somewhat gross to hold, but mortals beware, all the spells here will effect the caster too, so make sure you're disease proof or have someone else cast the spells for you. With that in mind, it's still a hidden gem, the back half of the book is absolutely jam packed with all sorts of diseases of varying lethality. Rating: ★★★☆☆ - A nice midlevel tome that punches above it's average spell level but you don't want cast anywhere near you. EmbryoSteve posted:I'm not some young schlub lich who hasn't been around the cairn. You can't loving buy my poo poo and learn my secrets. I almost got got A dark apprentice who doesn't eventually make an attempt on your life is just not cut out for the lifestyle. I don't know what you expected. The trick is to find the ones ambitious enough to make an attempt or two on your life, but wise enough to give up after being shown their place.
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May 9, 2023 01:16
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Man, I'm kicking myself, yesterday some idiot usurper showed up at my lair yesterday so I dropped the ceiling on the fool while increasing gravity around him, crushing him into a paste instantly. Turns out this fucker had all sorts of rare artifacts and poo poo on him that got irrevocably damaged outside of a few exceptions. I basically lost out on millions of gold, and my minions are dragging rear end on cleaning up so there's still rubble and sorcerer grease everywhere. Very annoying. Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:A Harper just vandalized my lair entrance!!! Fucker wrote "Dork Wizard Home" ! Man, gently caress the Harpers. Bunch of idiot bumbling morons but if you kill more than a handful suddenly you've got creepy rear end Ellminster or some demigod up in your poo poo. Having to have seperate non-lethal protocols for them is just frustrating.
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May 26, 2023 04:35
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Classic Hellvana syndrome
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May 26, 2023 04:48
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naem posted:technically it counts as GOOD on my part I have to go skelenton some villagers afterward to balance my stats again Man, gently caress those stats. Evil is a state of mind. The local fiends think I'm turning into some do-gooder because my dark rule over my lands is actually better for the local villagers than that of the idiot royals I usurped to rule here. I didn't do it for them, I did it as part of my master plan. I couldn't give less of a poo poo about their lives, and as long as I have enough food to keep my orcish hordes content, I don't really give a poo poo and let the Villagers keep most of what they make outside of the occasional batch of artisan goods and horses for said hordes. Between that and inadvertently keeping them safe by utterly obliterating any foolish invading/raiding armies, their lives are pretty great comparatively. I could go and torture a few now and then just to appease Hell, or I could keep cultivating a group of people who will happily die for me without lifting a finger. And boy, let me tell you, it is an absolute hoot to see a Paladin lose everything because the dungeon guard they had just gutted was some good hearted family man who just happened to take a job to keep people out of the scary danger cave.
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May 26, 2023 20:15
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Mad Hamish posted:You guys, I think I might have a problem. This is a surprisingly common conundrum. not in the specifics, of course, but immortality loopholes somehow unravelling. My advice, assuming the deforestation isn't completely imminent, is to do nothing at all. The obvious solution would be to plant yourself on the island and kill all the oncoming birds, but you're almost certain to accidentally burn down 99.9% of the forest, leaving the original bird to pluck the one remaining living sapling. These prophecies are usually self fulfilling. And if they're not, you're stuck wasting your immortality scaring off and killing birds. If the migration changed once, it'll probably change again, sending the little bastards elsewhere. Then you're back to where you were. Also do not hire a fiendish lawyer to try to find a loophole, if you can't find one yourself or are panicking enough to consider it, you're not going to outwit the lawyer when they set you up to die even sooner.
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May 27, 2023 04:18
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Tunicate posted:Dave Matthews Band, duh Yeah but it was only the one time. A real one-poo poo wonder.
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May 27, 2023 10:08
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Can you be 100% sure your mentor wasn't an undead to begin with? If you were otherwise confident in your ability to strike it out on your own as a dark wizard, this might just be his cheeky way of telling you that you're ready to move out of the nest and start making some people's lives very unhappy.
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May 27, 2023 13:48
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I was bored this week so I went to a body building competition to compete, and I guess I've been cooped up in the ol' tower for too long, because boy, I was entirely wrong about what the competition was for. Anyway, my flesh golem was disqualified as he wasn't 'natty', which was kind of a bummer.
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May 29, 2023 05:01
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sweet geek swag posted:How many of them survived? I didn't kill a single one of them. However, after what I did to them though, I don't think any of them can claim to be "Natural" anymore.
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May 29, 2023 05:52
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naem posted:Oooooo hey, are you using the bones? I’m always topping up my skeleton pit Feel free to take them, it might be a bit of a messy job now that they're all just quivering 400 pound lumps of raw, useless muscle, but its not like they're using those bones for anything anymore.
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Jun 1, 2023 14:22
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The Butcher posted:Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb? It's not your orb. They almost certainly caught you peeping and paid for a scrying protection glyph. Trust me, this kind of prank screams of good wizards to me. The troll channel seems kind of tame unless it's to distract you from something else...
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Jun 1, 2023 20:08
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Fur20 posted:Like sure, you can make any lawful stupid paladin fall, but that's literally expected within the narrative laws of our universe. Speaking of, what's everyone's favorite ways to force a Paladin to fall? Some of my recent fun ones were: - Hiring entirely neutral/good villagers to guard suspected dungeon locations, and triggering a fall when the trigger happy paladin guts them - Hiring easily bribeable subordinates, who also are willing to direct the paladin to one of my treasure hoards to plunder (in reality, some villager's stockpiled ancestral wealth). Sometimes just the bribes alone will trigger it. - Tricking the paladin into thinking I'm a subordinate of their liege lord, who is the true mastermind villain, and having them go off to fight their own king - Gonzalo's 2 month survivalist pocket dimension trap + 5 pounds of shoggoth hentai (don't ask how I got it)
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Jun 2, 2023 19:37
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naem posted:oh man tell us about this one some more Okay, so this guy, Gonzalo the magnificent, goes to make a pair of spells. One spell creates a bubble dimension positively lined with protective and healing wards, and the other teleports a user to it. It was meant to be an emergency panic button for Adventurers, but when Gonzalo went to test the finalized spell after supplying the dimension with enough food and water just in case, he realized he forgot to create a way to naturally get out, and so he had to wait out the spell duration due to the dimension locking spells as a safety measure. Well, the 2 months it was designed to last is a long time to sit in a bubble about 15 feet in diameter with no means of entertaining oneself, and Old Gonzalo went a bit mad. So when his notes were found, along with his mad ravings about hating/loving the bubble were found, it was quickly found to be a very excellent trap, since the bubble dimension can be set to rescue other people than the caster. So what you do is you cast the spell to create the bubble, you fill it with food, water, and the most *disgusting* shoggoth pornography you can find, and you trap a paladin in it. The second they even *think* about using that pornography to relieve the extreme tedium, your average lawful/good god will be furious. Worst case scenario, they come out angry 2 months later, and you can do it all over again or just kill em.
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Jun 2, 2023 21:04
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naem posted:Dia-bolical I had a Lairmate back when I was fresh out of apprenticeship who was an Ascendant of the Void. Had to banish him because he wasn't paying his fair share of the mana costs for the wards, and would just sit around all day playing with my golems instead of committing acts of evil like a responsible adult. He never came back for his stuff, and while I was able to sell most of it, nobody wanted the pornography. And honestly, I can't blame them. There are infinite Shoggoths in infinite body combinations in the void, and all their porn is so uninspired and vanilla that it's honestly kinda sad.
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Jun 3, 2023 01:53
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sweet geek swag posted:Dude release the spell, you're like Homer Simpson stuck in two vending machines. The bard following him is probably subtly and constantly manipulating his mind so he never even considers doing that. Which is brilliant. Someone should see if we can recruit that guy, he has the moxie and spite to go far as an evil sorcerer.
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Jun 5, 2023 15:05
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Multi-classers exist, you know. I knew a guy who started off as a rogue who found out a little too late in life that he had magical heritage and started learning the sorcerous arts. He was a great customer of mine, kind of a lovely sorcerer but he made it work for him. Until he got caught robbing a dragon's hoard and found out that invisibility and stealth didn't cut it.
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Jun 5, 2023 22:15
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redshirt posted:Y'all Dark Wizards got a Union? Sign me up if so. I've got lots of unions of things. Chimeras, skeleton abominations, the Fleshbeast. Never had a volunteer before, but I guess I can incorporate another body into one.
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Jul 11, 2023 20:32
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Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:Who the gently caress is Harry Potter? Some kid who got assigned credit for taking out some lovely British wizard back in the 90s. In reality, Phantimolo set the whole thing up because Voldemort was self-promoting really hard and tainting the dark wizard brand, and he thought it'd be hilarious to make Voldemort think he got killed by a literal baby. He was right. The scrying party where we all watched it kick off was great. Idiot Brits thought "a mother's love" reflected the killing spell. loving hilarious.
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Jul 18, 2023 20:26
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Fur20 posted:the funniest part about harry potter is that when he grew up, he had a short stint as a stage actor, where he performed equus. and that awakened something terrible within him. later in life, he moved to the state of washington, where he died. you may know him better by his online handle, mr. hands I heard he had become a cop, so I guess it's a blessing that he got a less horrific ending.
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Jul 18, 2023 21:06
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Mad Hamish posted:A proper wizard spends time pondering his orb, not dem titties. I can do both.
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Sep 19, 2023 17:39
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