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The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Return of the Dark Wizard Thread
 
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 I animate skeletons solely to use as scabs and wait i think i am in the wrong wizards thread.

* # ¿ Apr 27, 2023 13:00
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# ¿ May 9, 2024 21:54
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 They aren't saying it outright but they're trying to get you in on a commission scam. Devils get paid based on souls corrupted, and turning a neutral leader evil is worth a lot of credit.

What you want to do is work out a contract with a devil where you split their corruption commission, get formally reclassified to lawful neutral, then get 'corrupted' back to lawful evil and rake in the money.

If you do it right you can pull this scam on the infernal bureaucracy every twenty years or so.

* # ¿ Apr 30, 2023 17:59
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 Alright which of you assholes ruined my bets
* # ¿ May 7, 2023 01:49
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

Danger - Octopus! posted:

C'mon buddy, you know how to check for this. Just ask the new goon if they're really an undercover paladin - they have to say yes if you ask, those guys can't lie to you. Just make sure you also get them to lift up their tunic too so you can check they're not wearing Granthar's Wyrd Listening Device

They got tricky, one of the horses was a Paladin's Mount.

* # ¿ May 8, 2023 19:38
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 Pocket dimensions are great traps until you have a rogue carrying an incompatible storage format. One portable hole-induced resonance cascade and your best case secnario is that your lair ends up drifting in the astral plane.

* # ¿ May 8, 2023 21:23
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 Lol@this chump top-posting. Gramps these aren't the AOL days and you ain't using THAC0 any longer.

* # ¿ May 8, 2023 23:52
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

Mad Hamish posted:

You guys, I think I might have a problem.

A couple centuries ago I set up one of those immortality schemes, you know the kind, where in the eastern sea there is an island, on that island there is a mountain, on that mountain there is a forest, and every year at sunset on the winter solstice a bird flies from the direction of the setting sun and plucks one twig from a tree in that forest to build its nest, and on the day that mountain has been plucked bare of its forest is the day that I shall die.

Well it turns out that some idiot pumped a bunch of chemicals into the atmosphere which is altering the global climate (brilliant idea honestly, wish I had thought of it!) and changing the migration pattern of the winter solstice bird. Apparently there's flocks and flocks of the damned things, and now they're descending on my isolated immortality island in droves. Am I hosed?

sounds like you gotta blow up the sun

* # ¿ May 26, 2023 22:58
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

Mad Hamish posted:

Bird-eating snakes sounds like a good idea and it's mundane enough that it shouldn't attract any unnecessary attention.

Wow, sorry if more traditional forms of immortality offend you, Your Boneliness. I'll start taking advice from liches when they start putting their phylactery somewhere reasonable and boring like a safe deposit box in an actual bank instead of in a jewelled chest on an altar surrounded by streams of magma and guarded by some kind of spider queen in the bowels of the Barrow of Torment. You'd think that high-level wizards would be smart enough to know that that poo poo's like catnip for adventurers. I knew a guy who just couldn't keep plucky teens and Chosen Ones out of his diabolical lair (yes, he tried skeletons) and of course you all know how that always goes.

safety deposit boxes will only give you 500 gold if they lose the phylactery, no matter how enchanted or jewel-encrusted it is, if you're going to put your immortality in the hands of a different evil entity, at least make it one that has some flair

* # ¿ May 27, 2023 04:25
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

HelleSpud posted:

What sort of bard oozes poison swamps o'er fertile lands, wields the bones which haunt the night, or raises masses of fetid flesh?


Stop getting your bard news from your mother.

Dave Matthews Band, duh

* # ¿ May 27, 2023 07:41
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

 I heard my minions were unionized so i cast chain lightning and ionized 'em

* # ¿ Jul 15, 2023 23:55
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

FilthyImp posted:

A cop? Too dark for the dark wizard thread. We have standards, for gently caress's sake

It's not about how evil they are, it's about aesthetics. We don't want to put up with any wizards wearing white robes.

* # ¿ Jul 18, 2023 23:56
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

Grey Cat posted:


I was infusing demonic runes with blood by the age of 6!

Running around with your daddy's athame after kindergarten and tripping over your untied shoelaces doesn't count

* # ¿ Sep 15, 2023 04:32
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# ¿ May 9, 2024 21:54
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Tunicate
May 15, 2012

wheatpuppy posted:

That kind of sloppy runescribing is how you end up botching a level 1 summoning and filling your lair with lymph.

look how many times to I have to explain that the spellbook is the one that misspelled 'forest nymph'

* # ¿ Sep 20, 2023 07:30
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The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Return of the Dark Wizard Thread