Return of the Dark Wizard Thread

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sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

I have had a turn of bad luck since the last thread. The layer of the abyss that I was ruling got destroyed. Luckily, I was away. I still am a Demigod by some technicality, but without my demon army I've been moonlighting across the planes as a Necromancer for hire. You may have heard of that undead army that sacked the Holy Cathedral of Saint Gunther; it was one I raised.

Anyway if any of y'all need an undead army fast, send me a pm. For legal purposes I have to say that I am not allowed to summon eldritch beings of horror alongside the undead and you SHOULDn't ask.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2020 00:02

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 02:00

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Asterite34 posted:

Just lol at trying to rule a layer of the Abyss, that's like being a slumlord. Get yourself your own bespoke demiplane in the Deep Astral where you define all laws of reality. Sure, mine's on the smaller side, but when you're an absolute god, you can tolerate ruling a universe the size of a New York apartment

Dude, I conquered my layer of the abyss the old-fashioned way, by forging an alliance with a demon, then betraying them and taking their stuff. I was mortal, (okay I was a lich, but I wasn't a god) and I walked away with divine power. I already had my own pocketplane, and it was a a lot bigger than a New York City apartment. I saw a road to godhood, I took it, and then that layer of the abyss became a liability. I have a cult of worshippers on the Prime, so I didn't need it.

I'm not gonna say I was happy when the demon princes told me they were destroying my layer to stop the constant invasions by pissed off angels, but ultimately it was a good move, because I'm no longer tied down. Oh speaking of pissed off angels, if your mission involves killing 10 or more paladins, I give a 5% discount!

# ¿ Aug 31, 2020 02:03

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Ignatius M. Meen posted:

i never thought i'd see the day

okay, here's the scoop: i'm a simple neutral druid. i don't think i'm asking too big a favor but there are way too many of you who just really don't get it and you never seem to loving get the hint collectively. you know those idiots in the castles you hate so much you summoned a whole army to defeat? you know how much smarter than they are you think you are? well, get a load of this

you see, after the fourth or fifth son/nephew/cousin leading a group of poachers found themselves with a nice rack and standing on all fours, those numbskulls actually learned they shouldn't loving go in my forest!! some of them, i didn't even have to touch any of their heirs before they declared my forest off limits (i know this because idiots from those kingdoms decided to try and get in anyway and had incredibly loud, stupid conversations about how peaceful the forest was and how their leaders were full of poo poo, right up until I polymorphed them into foxes and relocated them near the edge of their countries' hunting ground). but for some reason you dark wizards always have your goddamned unnatural summons cutting down my trees, trampling over my plants, and slaughtering my animals. doesn't matter how many of you i deal with, nobody ever gets the clue that hey, maybe going through the mountains or desert will be easier instead!

i know, i know, why the gently caress should you care? what's in it for you? i'm definitely not a challenge, why not just roll me over then? well, aside from the fact i've had this problem for centuries and always come out ahead, i'm willing to share information. that's right, i am offering to be an inside man for most any kingdom you want to conquer nearby. i've made certain deals with direct kings and queens, and as much as it pains me to even get close to a loving city and find most everything in there utterly loathsome, happened to end up with a fair bit of trust and dirt on a lot of people. all i ask is that once you've done that and made your conquest, you pass on the word to other dark wizards that my forest is off limits and anyone who thinks differently will have to take it up with you and your new kingdom's army.

please? i'm tired of having to clean up and regrow every few years only for some other dumb shmuck thinking he's hell's gift to earth tromping through and proving he's even dumber than the loving nobles who say "i can't believe you're so civilized for a druid" and uggghhh just thinking about that makes me want to turn into a tree for a few centuries

I'd be down with a deal like this as long as you were curating a dark twisted forest. You know, evil sentient trees, kills all travelers, breeds hordes of ravenous wolves, that sort of thing. Let me see if my cult has a chapter near you and we might work out a deal. Also I'll let you reclaim one city to nature for free if conquering this kingdom leads to me killing paladins.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2020 04:22

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

KillerJunglist posted:

Uh, hi guys! Newish necromancer here.

I've been practicing with stuff like disrupt undead when I'm out with my friends "adventuring" (more like hanging out in creepy places, ya know?) But I thought I'd try something more interesting since I'm getting experience... well, let me explain.

I went to the graveyard yesterday night (I know, so amateur) and found an old grave that I figured no one cared about and raised a skeleton (first time, I did it!). Problem is, I don't think I know how to control the drat thing. It just sort of putters around and follows me. Even into the privy! When I tell it to do something it kind of stares at me but doesn't move. I feel like there's a trick to this that I'm not getting.

I like my skeleton (I named him McCoy) but I need advice on how to control (train?) him. Any and all advice welcome, we're supposed to go to the crossroads in 3 days to fight gnolls or something so speedy replies appreciated!

Congratulations on raising your first skeleton! So some points. First, what you have done there is a simple corpse animation. You have to weave the methods of control into your animation spell, otherwise it will just follow you around like that. The reason this is, is because if you get too far from the skeleton, it will just collapse, as your magic is powering this thing. It isn't draining you or anything, you are just the focus.

How do you deal with this? First, learn a version of the spell that actually has a control element. Essentially this is an undead version of word of command, melded onto an animate spell. There is a reason that all useful Animate Dead spells are third level or higher. Second you need to get a self sustaining power source for undead. I suggest souls. Corrupted souls are fine for a simple skeleton, impure souls are better but harder to find. Do not waste a pure soul raising a skeleton. You should only use pure souls on summoning undead like vampires or higher. Death Knights require them, as do Greater Wraiths. In fact, you should not use pure souls at all until you are fairly powerful, because using pure souls to power any type of magic will bring paladins down on you.

That being said, if you do piss off a paladin, let me know. I'm, uh, a bit of a collector of paladin souls. I'd be glad to kill them for you.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2020 17:55

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Who What Now posted:

Also, to any new necromancers, don't think you have to supplement your Evil magics with the powers of Chaos. Anyone who tells you you have to is lying. Lawful Evil magic is equally as strong, and Neutral Evil is as pure as you can get. Don't be peer-pressured into channeling an alignment you aren't comfortable with. We're not all Abyss Knights, we accept magicians of all alignments!

Obviously you should use the powers that you are best at, but Lawful Evil magic has a huge downside. You have to actually justify it when you kill paladins. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION NEEDED WHEN KILLING PALADINS.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2020 22:35

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Jeza posted:

I raised my old college crush from the fathomless plains and she still won't date me? Can a more experienced necro help me out here? What am I doing wrong?

She just wasn't that into you man. You have to move on. Raising the dead as a shambling corpse will not make the dead love you. If you wanted her to love you, you should have corrupted her soul in life.

Listen, I've been where you are, and it sucks. Girl in wizard college, was really hot. Didn't notice me at all. She accidentally summoned a balrog and welp, that was it for her. But my roommate raised her from the dead as a lark, and she just wanted to bang her old boyfriend. It happens.

Raising someone as a corpse will only get their love if they already loved you in life, and they wronged you horribly. For example, when I was a young adventurer, I dated the paladin in our group. She was hot and dedicated, a fantastic combination, or so I thought. And she wasn't from one of those orders that take a vow of chastity, if you get my meaning. Then her order decided that the wizard college I went to meant I was a Dark Wizard. I wasn't at that point, but hey, they turned me into one, so it wasn't all bad. My paladin girlfriend did nothing, I was convicted, and I only escaped because a dragon decided to attack the town right then (the dragon we had been hunting, mind you).

Anyway, years later, and I slaughtered that entire order of paladins. Including my ex. I raised her from the dead to torture her a bit, but it turns out she actually felt guilty about what happened to me! She thought (correctly!) that my unfair prosecution was what turned me towards evil. So... I hosed her brains out that night (no not literally, her skull was intact), and used a spell of corruption on her. By morning she was completely willing to forsake her paladin oaths and become a Death Knight. I like to think it was the loving that did it, but who am I kidding? Anyway, now she rules that part of the world for me and leads my cult in the area, and everytime I stop by I get some.

How does this help you? Hmmm, well, I guess what you could take from it is that you should always kill paladins.

# ¿ Sep 2, 2020 15:37

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Strategic Tea posted:

The Wizards' Council is detecting unacceptable levels of dark arts itt don't make me send the auditors guys cmon help me out here

Lol, the Wizards Council. Gonna call the Better Business Bureau too?

# ¿ Aug 3, 2021 22:21

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

naem posted:

ok so, you know how I have that (accidental) infinite dungeon full of skeletons that I lure adventuring parties into?

and how they are ultimately defeated and they then become the skeletons?

so I’ve done some mental math and, like every adventurer probably crunches dozens, hundreds, of skeletons before going down.

so um, where are all the skeletons coming from??

I think I might have accidentally taped into the Elemental Plane of Skeletons where everything is Skeleton

Dude, you're sleep raising the skeletons. It's really common actually in some Necromancers who have raised 1k plus skeletons. Trust me, there is no Elemental Plane of Skeletons. If there was, we'd be conjurers, not necromancers.

# ¿ Aug 15, 2021 02:25

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Peace is good if it involves submitting to my rule.

# ¿ Aug 17, 2021 00:02

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

100 degrees Calcium posted:

Wow. Well if you're going to treat allies this way, you're going to get nowhere in society. If you're going to be so rude, of course you're going to be stuck stealing bodies from the morgue and meeting in abandoned basements.

Simple question: do you or do you not kill people who come into your forest and violate the sanctity of nature?

# ¿ Aug 19, 2021 23:43

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

100 degrees Calcium posted:

I talk to rabbits okay!? While I admit they are not the most profound conversationalists, they have far more brains than zombies.

Not my zombies. My zombies are FULL of brains, if you get my meaning.

# ¿ Aug 20, 2021 00:15

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

100 degrees Calcium posted:

Tell that to the druids protesting outside my rabbit farm in the Forbidden Forest.

Dude isn't even as hardcore as a Druid. I'm not big into gatekeeping the evil wizards thread, but COME ON.

# ¿ Aug 20, 2021 01:17

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

ilovebeersooomuch posted:

Undead poison sumac would be pretty cool, I will admit that

The gently caress is this

I don't mind neutral wizards or something coming in and asking for tips, as most wizard boards don't let you discuss the best methods for dealing with things (dark magic). But you let good wizards in and suddenly you get people objecting to basic eldritch summonings or wiping out villages to get an army of skeletons.

# ¿ Aug 20, 2021 18:53

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Sormus posted:

Please see this important flowchart about being a Sorcerer:

This. This is the poo poo we need to get out of here. Imagine not using sorcery for literally any reason.

# ¿ Aug 21, 2021 22:41

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Fur20 posted:

forbidden spells are overrated. what possible reason could i ever have to want to open the gate to the ɫ̸̣̅th dimension? do you know how negatively that would impact my lifestyle? you remember that perry bible fellowship comic where the dark priests raise the ancient demon lord but then he spends all his time watching anime and getting fat? that's my kind of sorcery. Lazy Magic.

zone of pure air. now THAT is a spell for the 21st century my friend.

I sent you a flatulence demon with an Anti-magic field centered on it. Have fun getting rid of of that without forbidden magic.

# ¿ Aug 22, 2021 01:24

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Fur20 posted:

please. everyone knows the truename of any flatulence demon is the sound its fart makes. i don't need magic to beat that just a smartphone

A standard smartphone is not capable of recording all the otherworldly details of the sound of a flatulence demon's farts. You need a smartphone enchanted to record in the infernal sound ranges. Which won't work in an Anti-magic field.

# ¿ Aug 22, 2021 01:54

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

ilovebeersooomuch posted:

Also what is this pansy rear end poo poo about not doing forbidden magic, like that is why i got into dark wizardry in the first place. You dont have the balls to put your soul on the line, get a new soul

smh

I put used souls on the line instead of my own. I mean, I'm already a loving Lich, so I kind of have to.

# ¿ Aug 22, 2021 04:00

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

FilthyImp posted:

I don't mean to quibble but everyone's over the moon over this Elder Ring game. Just.... ok, aside from the really overdone idea of imbuing a ring with forbidden energies , did anyone actually, like, bother to consult the various schools of magic that are supposed to be depicted. I mean, some common sense and rigor is too much to expect out of these things?

Someone showed me ashen swords of the spectral veil being cast by waving a stick. Like what the undying gently caress man?

Do you want normal people to know how to accurately use the dark arts? Of course not! Elden Ring does a fine job of instilling the proper fear of Dark Wizardry in people.

# ¿ Mar 26, 2022 20:24

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Yvershek posted:

I'm at my wits end from being both an environmentalist and a dark wizard. I'm only able to practice in remote regions and they end up ruined.

Everything starts the moment I move in and start spellcasting. Death creeps outward from my home and causes plants to wilt while animals suffer horrifically painful death spasms. Relocating the nature out of the way helps at the beginning, but the expanding circle of death always ends up covering too much surface area.

Okay, this one is really simple. Understand that wanting to preserve the environment is good, but what environment do you want to protect? There are, cosmically speaking, all sorts of environments you might want to save. Turn your land into a shelter for rare creatures, like dragons, rust monsters or eldritch abominations. Populate your land with plants from hell, or the Far Realm. Soon you'll have your own unique ecosystem running, and it will be one that perpetuates itself, rather than being destroyed by the smallest fireballs and death curses that emerge from your stronghold.

# ¿ Mar 28, 2022 23:47

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

ilovebeersooomuch posted:

Do any other Dark Wizards celebrate their death day? I have not (I would think such things are for those of poor emotional control) but I was considering some light nonbinding sacrificial blood letting of some commoners in my honor. Maybe some kidnappings. You know - fun!

Death and life aren't really different for an immortal Lich, and honestly I didn't really notice when I actually died. The only difference was I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Now that I have transcended even those pathetic limitations I can honestly say: I think the day I died was extremely boring.

# ¿ Apr 8, 2022 02:12

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Colonel Cancer posted:

I think I've caught the smell of a stinky skeleton mage itt! True liches don't die, you skeletailure, that's the whole point!

Lol, look at this amateur, you probably haven't even created a phylactery yet. Of course you loving die as a lich, that's how you become undead. You have to die to un-die. loving babies thinking "I won't have to die if I'm a lich." Wrong! Your death is extremely painful and you have to live with that pain for absolute ages.

# ¿ Apr 8, 2022 06:45

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Hey, so I'm a newly graduated Dark Wizard and I came into possession of this tower in a pocket plane somewhere. Apparently some big shot Necromancer who ruled his own layer of the Abyss got got and they sold his extra stuff for surplus, and my uncle got it for me as a graduation gift.

Well the Necromancer left a very detailed set of instructions for how to reclaim his lost power, and I am definitely getting "this will lead to him possessing me" vibes from this. Like, this is obviously a trap, right? I'm really not used to this sort of thing yet.

And sorry I'm using his account to post this, but no one at evil wizard school was really all that helpful since they think the Dark aspects of Transmutation are lame. And as a result I may have turned everyone who could help me into ladybugs. And then smashed them under my heel.

# ¿ Dec 28, 2022 23:26

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

I'm just trying to transform people into more useful things like transforming them into ladybugs so you can harvest their ladybug oil?!

# ¿ Apr 27, 2023 06:39

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

the holy poopacy posted:

Hark unto me, dark brethren, for I beseech thy counsel! My maniacal schemes of conquest have run into an unexpected roadblock. Against all odds, my arch-nemesis Mumphredolf the White and I have fallen quite in love! However, he refuses to commit to making our relationship canonical. He claims "the subtext is there" but honestly it's as thin as his excuses. He promises to explore our relationship in a spinoff series but I'm wondering if this is too little, too late. Should I give him a second chance or is it time to betray him to the Gibbering Lords of the Uttervoid?

Dude, you've been friend zoned. And from how you are talking, it sounds it's because you are an incessant drama hound. Take the hint, find a more positive relationship, and for god's sake talk like a normal person.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2023 06:35

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Danger - Octopus! posted:

C'mon buddy, you know how to check for this. Just ask the new goon if they're really an undercover paladin - they have to say yes if you ask, those guys can't lie to you. Just make sure you also get them to lift up their tunic too so you can check they're not wearing Granthar's Wyrd Listening Device

You'd think after what happened to Murtran the Defiler people would stop repeating this obvious lie. Today's Paladins can absolutely lie if they think you are evil.

# ¿ May 8, 2023 19:51

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

naem posted:

I’ve got a section of my Skeleton Lair set up for just this kind of thing

make a maze that’s pretty easy, and then a pit or a chasm with chains or vines around they can use to cross (so they feel brave), then just enough skeletons to defeat to feel powerful, then a puzzle box or two so they feel clever. Then a really big skeleton but (he’s already inanimate) sitting in a throne with a pretty good piece of magic loot or two in his hands.

I planted a powerful suggestion in the room that makes people think out loud “this must be The©️Skeleton™️ King©️™️” and they feel like they beat the bad guys and won the day.

Then the passage starts collapsing and they grab the loot and all go “look out!!” and run for the door, and rubble seals the entrance.

they walk away into the sunset, freeze frame, problem solved they have no idea the kindly old alchemist who sold them those potions was up to no good, and they level up a bit. It’s all very PG rated.

technically it counts as GOOD on my part I have to go skelenton some villagers afterward to balance my stats again

Well, you need to replenish the maze.

# ¿ May 26, 2023 19:58

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Maybe you shouldn't have used a pansy rear end good wizard form of immortality and done some proper evil like become a lich, or sacrificing some virgins.

# ¿ May 27, 2023 00:13

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Mad Hamish posted:

Bird-eating snakes sounds like a good idea and it's mundane enough that it shouldn't attract any unnecessary attention.

Wow, sorry if more traditional forms of immortality offend you, Your Boneliness. I'll start taking advice from liches when they start putting their phylactery somewhere reasonable and boring like a safe deposit box in an actual bank instead of in a jewelled chest on an altar surrounded by streams of magma and guarded by some kind of spider queen in the bowels of the Barrow of Torment. You'd think that high-level wizards would be smart enough to know that that poo poo's like catnip for adventurers. I knew a guy who just couldn't keep plucky teens and Chosen Ones out of his diabolical lair (yes, he tried skeletons) and of course you all know how that always goes.

Dude, I can recognize the "Life Extension Kit for Non-Evil Wizards." Hell, you left the actual prophecy on scriptorium settings, didn't even write your own prophecy. You didn't even kill one person, unless you robbed the magic store where it was sitting ON THE RACK.

# ¿ May 27, 2023 04:31

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

Deki posted:

I was bored this week so I went to a body building competition to compete, and I guess I've been cooped up in the ol' tower for too long, because boy, I was entirely wrong about what the competition was for.

Anyway, my flesh golem was disqualified as he wasn't 'natty', which was kind of a bummer.

How many of them survived?

# ¿ May 29, 2023 05:24

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

The Butcher posted:

Which one of you loving jokers put a hex on my All Seeing Orb?

I gaze deep into its mysterious depths to conjure a view of the Olympic women's beach volleyball change room, and just as it's about to resolve, it changes to some goofy minstrel singing an annoying song on loop.

edit: I know you are reading this. Switching it to the troll changing room. Very funny. Please just grow up and put it back to either humans or elves.

Wtf? My sister is in that locker room you pervert!

I wasn't the one who messed with your orb, but you have a lot more to worry about now. Unless you want a minotaur dropping on your head every time you swat a fly, you'd best find something better to scry on!

# ¿ Jun 1, 2023 19:16

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

The Butcher posted:

I made my tower invisible last night on a drunken dare and now I can't find it anymore.

I went to go find the rear end in a top hat bard who goaded me into it, but apparently I made him invisible too out of frustration about the tower thing.

I don't know how to make things not invisible so now I just have this disembodied ghostly lute music following me around and it's driving me loving nuts. I'm gonna need to go ask a favor from that goody two shoes nice wizard in the next village over to unfuck all this poo poo.

Worst part is? He won't even be like "this comes with dire consequences!" it's all "hey, we all make mistakes, we might have magic but at the end of the day, aren't we all just human?"

loving gag me. I hate good wizards. I hate bards. When I get my tower visible again I'm just going to drink alone in it and maybe check up on my exes with my orb.

Dude release the spell, you're like Homer Simpson stuck in two vending machines.

# ¿ Jun 4, 2023 18:09

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 02:00

sweet geek swag: Mar 29, 2006; Adjust lasers to FUN!

EmbryoSteve posted:

We are evil wizards. So we are pro Right To Work

The only right I'm interested in is the right to bear spellcasting implements.

# ¿ Jul 11, 2023 20:43

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Return of the Dark Wizard Thread