- Mycroft Holmes
- Mar 26, 2010
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by Azathoth
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I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf4lRk7N4y_ME8Uljt9Uln4W8niDSisMpLIz5X-xYSs/edit?usp=sharing
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May 15, 2021 03:15
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May 14, 2024 18:20
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- Mycroft Holmes
- Mar 26, 2010
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by Azathoth
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I had a quick skim of it and I think it's a couple of things in combination:
- your prose uses a lot of "suddenly", "all of sudden", "immediately", "quickly" and "had only been 5 minutes"
- you're bouncing around a lot of POVs in such a short work that we don't get to spend any time getting to know any of the characters
- there's lots of narration rather than dramatization, so it kind of feels like a list of events rather than experiencing important moments of conflict and resolution
After skimming the fic, I'm not entirely clear on who I should be rooting for, or what the goal is. Presumably it's Abe Lincoln and they want to find a way to return to our universe, but I came away with the impression that they're stuck there for good with superior technology but severely underestimating/not realizing there's magic and no infrastructure to support their tech. Except this realization comes at the end, instead of early on so I'm left with no real satisfactory payoff for the hook. Are you planning to write more?
If you'd like more detailed suggestions I can give those as well but hopefully this gives you enough of an idea to move forward.
I am planning on writing more. I suppose the rushed feeling is due to my writing roughly 500 word chunks at a time. Also, how do I differ between narration and dramatization?
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May 15, 2021 05:46
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- Mycroft Holmes
- Mar 26, 2010
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by Azathoth
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I don't want to speak for Leng, but I think they mean things like this.
That could be a dramatic scene where you see which characters are heroic and which are terrified and so on. But the way you've written it means you just go straight to the outcome.
Ah, I see what you mean.
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May 15, 2021 07:07
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May 15, 2021 03:15
