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Violet_Sky posted:Hi thread, What are you looking for in terms of critique. Do you want a hype train? An Awesome, Bored, Disbelief, Confused method, or just reactions?
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Feb 21, 2023 16:12
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Violet_Sky posted:I just want to see if you can get a good sense of the characters and pacing. Is there anything I should add? Slow down on? Here are some thoughts after I read your story. Tamara - Is a mail order bride with a heavy dose of sacrasm, and a heavier does of demanding things to a god she barely knows. The way she reacts confused me, and did little to draw me in. She's a bride to a god and while her being demanding is kind of funny, it crossed a line into being obnoxious. While I like that she basically tells him off, it gets really weird when all of a sudden she wants to be more lady like. The sudden turn indicates an issue with the pacing and plot. Eldiron is a god. Cold, Brusque and has a few witty lines. Overall this is... fan fiction. If I was a fan of whatever fandom (I think its an anime? It's an anime isn't it) you were writing about, and knew what characters you were trying to emulate, I'd probably enjoy it more. As a story, I found it tired to do too much in too little space. Your protagonist going from Sarcastic Mail Order Bride to Baking Squee Love Time to Make Me More Lady Like was too quick for me and I wasn't invested. Here's a dumb question. Does a gilded cage exist and can you walk into it? Where I grew up the term "gilded cage" is a colloquialism/metaphor meaning a pleasant looking place that actually restricts the freedom of someone.
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Feb 25, 2023 03:47
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Popeston posted:Hoping to get some feedback on the blurb for my novel. I guess the main thing I’m trying to get across is it’s funny but it does have an actual story and stakes. I’ve been trying to get a halfway decent blurb for weeks and this is where I’ve ended up. Obligatory line about getting more opinions. Popeston posted:The King is going to die and Misen Delaur doesn’t care. In your first sentence, drop the extra titles you don't need. This lets us focus on the protagonist, Misen Delaur. Popeston posted:Admittedly, she never really cares when a Siourean royal dies, especially when their deaths could have been avoided by hiring her and following her advice on how to not be assassinated. However, with two of Sioure’s most deadly assassin guilds already targeting King Corathian, even Misen’s faultless advice can only delay the inevitable. Luckily, a delay is all her old friend Broukas Mal needs. If Jusp Corathian survives until the Irithni Eye eclipse then Broukas can rebuild her life. She might even forgive Misen for ruining it in the first place. Admittedly, Never Really could be tightened. I think you are going for "Does our protagonist realllllly care? Maybe they do". Suggest only leaving one ambigious word. I have no idea who Broukas Mal is and I don't care. Who is Broukas and why did they suddenly invade the plot? Popeston posted:If Misen is to succeed she must overcome faceless assassins, a meddling Irithni god, and a ruthless grape thief, all the while ignoring the fact that she has become a nightmare for everyone in the barren Kingdom of Mamsevi. Literally. As in, she keeps showing up in their dreams. It’s very strange. Before reading the next bits I am going to point out we don't have a clear idea on Misen's stakes, or why she is getting involved. Popeston posted:Still, with her talent, her cunning, and her giant warrior-turned-baker, Misen is determined to protect everything that matters. Unfortunately, this is complicated by something Misen never expected: I don't like the start of this sentence because we have just gone through a list in the previous sentence. While I like the last bit of the blurb, I don't know WHY Misen cares or why her view has changed. Overall: This blurb is cute, and displays a lot of voice and gives me a sense of what type of book it is. If it is Fantasy-wry sense of humor - Romance, suggest you can comp BlackTongue Thief. One big mistake this blurb does is mentioning Broukas Mal, as I have no idea who they are and why I should care. But maybe I'm dumb.
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Mar 1, 2023 20:06
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