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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > Fiction Farm to Table: Artisanal crits ITT
 
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Luigi Thirty
Apr 30, 2006

Emergency confection port.

 Carrying over from the other thread…

DropTheAnvil posted:

This looks like an outline. You are pointing out the relevant information that you want in the paragraph.

What can my character see?
Who else is in the scene?
What can the character feel (Phyiscally)
What is their body doing (Unconciously? Or is this what they are feeling emotionally, channeled into the physical reactions?)

Now you need to flesh it out, you already have the important pieces there and know what you want to convey. So for example

Becomes a paragraph, or even a single sentence, that conveys that information.

Right, this is what I’m trying to do… I guess I wasn’t sure if I was on the right track with it. It’s definitely at the outline stage at the moment. That’s helpful to flesh it out, thanks.

flerp posted:

there's a lot of passive-like voice in this. try to avoid "feeling" or "seeing" and have things be immediate. for example, "feeling the iron chains tying" to "iron chains tied her." in a scene like this where the character is supposed to be losing control, i think its good to have the objects be the subject of the sentences. she doesnt have control and so she doesnt even get top billing in the sentences.

also i think avoiding was in scenes like this helps make things more immediate. "her breathing was rapid and shallow" vs "her breathing rapid and shallow." "rin was lying under the cotton vestment" vs "rin lied under the cotton vestment" or if we wanted to go with my previous comment of having the objects being the subject, "a cotton vestment covered rin." more immediacy here i think sells the horror stronger, as theres no control and things keep happening and she cant do anything about it.

Yes! This feels a lot more impactful. Rin has no control and a lot of things are happening at once. I think this is the main key I was missing. I feel embarrassed not picking up on that.

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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > Fiction Farm to Table: Artisanal crits ITT