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I REFUSE to partake in these draconian lockdown procedures. My business is essential and I will take care of my employees. *installs a single piece of plexiglass in front of the cash register, calls it a day*
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Oct 15, 2020 13:42
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Behind every mildly impressive fortune lies many many dumb little annoying crimes perpetrated by dumb little annoying people.
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Oct 15, 2020 13:57
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StarkRavingMad posted:Okay, look, the Italian-Asian fusion didn't quite catch on in the area as much as we anticipated. But don't worry! We're just going to scale back the menu a bit to eliminate costs and focus our target demographic. From now on, we are a pizza by the slice place. gently caress. The Health Department is here. Bob is holding them off, so we got about 30 seconds, everyone listen. No one says a thing to them, ok? Not one loving word. Janet, there's three boxes in the walk-in freezer that are just labeled "INGREDIENTS." Get those out of here. What do you mean, where? Just put them in your loving car and drive and don't stop driving until I call you... Everything's gonna be fine, guys, everything is gonna be fine
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Oct 15, 2020 19:07
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You know, this guillotine's neck brace is really quite uncomfortable
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Oct 15, 2020 19:08
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hmm gently caress i can't sell any of my livestock because all the abattoirs are either booked till next year or closed down for no loving reason welp guess i'll wait for that stimulus check
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Oct 15, 2020 19:17
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Fire prevention system? There's no fire now, why should I be paying money out of my pocket to prevent something that's not even happening? People are so dumb, but not me, I'm smart. That's why I own a Froyo shop.
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Oct 15, 2020 19:19
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DO NOT throw out ANY cardboard!!! EVER
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Oct 15, 2020 19:27
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oh herrrrro
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Oct 15, 2020 19:28
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Plants? Why do I need plants outside my building? I'm building a car wash not Butchart Gardens. Pave up to the loving curb, I don't live in this poo poo hole town anyway.
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Oct 15, 2020 19:38
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We really appreciate your help getting these documents through the local planning department. We have deep ties to the local community and are really excited to provide our amazing products to all the locals. Unfortunately, we have decided to hire an out-of-town design firm for the remainder of this project. They have balked at the local building codes and beautification requirements. They have assured us that they will cut every corner possible to bring this store to fruition. They will also be bringing in their preferred contractors from across the state to slap it thing together! Remember to buy local, from us, as soon as we open!
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Oct 15, 2020 19:48
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Hey guys! So this is my son, he's gonna be your new manager. He's going to make more money than you, has no experience in the store, and I'll never actually discipline him for anything. Ok, cool, I'm off to the golf course, just let my son know if you have any problems!
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Oct 15, 2020 19:56
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My successful white-collar career has allowed me to save enough for early retirement. I think I'll use that money to open a bar. That sounds like a fun way to spend the rest of my days.
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Oct 15, 2020 21:12
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"Good news! Welcome yet another childhood friend/college buddy/extended family of mine to the family, as <upper management sinecure>! He's just here to be my drinking buddy and will never do any actual work. Also he is your new boss." this literally happened at a previous job of mine. over and over. Top heavy upper management of what was supposed to be an engineering firm, like 1 to 1 vp's, directors, etc compared to techs, it professionals, sw or mech engineers Grimoire fucked around with this message at 22:00 on Oct 15, 2020 |
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Oct 15, 2020 21:56
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I know the job listing said office assistant, but you're actually going to be our accountant/office manager. Yes it pays $10 an hour.
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Oct 15, 2020 22:38
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A Fancy Hat posted:Hey guys! So this is my son, he's gonna be your new manager. He's going to make more money than you, has no experience in the store, and I'll never actually discipline him for anything. Alternatively: Hey guys, this is my son. His constant drug and gambling issues mean that he can't retain employment anywhere good... He's going to work here now, I think he has a lot of experience to bring to the table.
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Oct 15, 2020 22:47
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I just want you all to know that I'm not like those stuffy corporate bosses. Around here we're family. By which I mean I'm your new emotionally abusive parent, and you're all my sycophant children.
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Oct 15, 2020 22:50
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:I just want you all to know that I'm not like those stuffy corporate bosses. Around here we're family. By the way, I need you to pick up a few hours under the table on Saturday. You'd pitch in for your family, so why not me?
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Oct 15, 2020 22:52
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My cousin says her son is into computers. I'll ask him at Thanksgiving if he can set up some kind of online shopping thing. No, we shouldn't have to pay him. *cousin's son has actually only taken a basic computer course at local community college*
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Oct 15, 2020 22:57
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My wife left me so I think I'll spend the next six months spiraling into an alcohol-fueled manic-depressive episode where I belligerently hit on my female employees causing most to quit and the least scrupulous to fleece me for everything they can.
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Oct 15, 2020 23:52
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i create VALUE* *by immiserating workers to deliver mimosas to rich assholes
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Oct 16, 2020 02:34
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Hey boys! I’ll be LIVE on cam tonight, so don’t miss out, but you’ll REALLY be missing out if you don’t check out the TEN BRAND NEW CLIPS on my OnlyFans!! ❤️❤️❤️ PLUS during tonight’s livestream I’ll be doing a FLASH SALE, new subscribers can get ALL my RED HOT content for only $6 a month!! Anywayyyy signing off for now, see you on Chaturbate starting at 7!! 💋💋💋
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Oct 16, 2020 02:53
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I have a complicated relationship with Walmart wherein I know they are bad for my business but foam at the mouth against anyone who criticizes capitalism in the slightest. At the same time I get a warm fuzzy feeling when people talk about how great the mom and pop businesses that walmart pressures are, but every single employee who ever worked at a Walmart had better pay and a better chance at career advancement than anyone who ever worked at my business.
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Oct 16, 2020 03:13
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Hey, I'm gonna need you to take care of the family of raccoons living in the dumpster when you get a chance. With all the COVID bullshit and the sonofabitch governor shutting us down for so long, we can't afford to hire an exterminator. I would totally do it but I'm going to be out of town the next three weeks.
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Oct 16, 2020 03:35
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Listen guys, you may have heard some rumors about Kelly and I having some... marital issues. I just want to say that I would appreciate some privacy during this time. We're going through some stuff, most of it is her fault, and I'm not sure where things are going to end up. Also just to clarify, this has NOTHING to do with the fact that I recently fired Rebecca. That is completely unrelated. And if she tells you anything different, then she's just lying to try and screw us all over. Okay? Yes, I took her to Dairy Queen but it was not a "date", and we didn't have sex in the back of the store. She's in college for god's sake, what would a 50 year old man want to do with a college girl? Finally, you might have noticed the cameras that were installed last night. These go directly to my house, that way Kelly can, uh, supervise things from home. Again, not related to the marital issues or to Rebecca at all.
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Oct 16, 2020 12:23
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Boss: Okay guys... I try to be nice, but you all clearly just want to walk all over me. So from now on, no more brewed coffee on the house. Some of you guys will drink two or three cups a shift and that starts to add up. We're trying to run a business here, people! *Boss grabs the most expensive liquor in the joint and pours shots for him and his friends*
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Oct 16, 2020 14:07
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look i know we used to give bonuses at christmas and this year saw record growth (thanks again team!), but get this. this year we're trying a new thing for xmas, a little holiday shindig in the cubes! we're gettin jimmy johns for everybody! to a limit of fifteen dollars worth each! and "after eight" thin mints till you puke! due to our order volumes in the coming months the warehouse team won't be included in the christmas jimmy johns party and instead they will be shown the case of thin mints on its way to the office and allowed to sniff it. their christmas bonus is I will unlock the toilet on the warehouse floor and give them the benefit of the doubt this time about water and time wastage. just a side note while I've got you here, when you use the complimentary coffee machine, write your name and the month on the cup and use that cup for the entire month. we're doing our part to be green and will tolerate no overuse. the coffee machine is a privilege, not a right. finally, and this is a real big one guys, we're getting a pool table for the whole office! alright! it'll be in my office where the movie projector i got for you all is.
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Oct 16, 2020 14:40
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These are all so good
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Oct 16, 2020 15:30
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 *chuckles* So true.
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Oct 16, 2020 15:34
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Moon Slayer posted:
This one hurt me
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Oct 16, 2020 15:40
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Happy Boss' Day! So, what did you guys get me?
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Oct 16, 2020 15:45
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You think I actually want to be here day in day out? No! I want to pay you a measly salary to run the place while I stay at home with my kids!
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Oct 16, 2020 16:11
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Yeah I know we said we'd give each of you 1% of the net profit this year but we aren't done cooking the books so it looks like we made no money this year even though we sold 10 million dollars worth of goods that have at least 40% gp Please ignore these 4 external companies that are owned by me, my brother, and my parents all receiving monthly payments
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Oct 16, 2020 16:20
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Okay guys, time to discuss the dress code policy. I KNOW! Nobody likes it, but we have to look professional. Guys, you must wear a black t shirt and jeans with black shoes. I'll give you flexibility in the shoes but the t-shirt has to be solid black. We cannot be advertising bands or whatever, just go buy some cheap black t shirts. Ladies, you must wear this low cut t shirt, skirt, pantyhose, and heels. I know a lot of you hate the pantyhose and heels, but it's my fetish. Er, I mean it's my policy. Yeah, that's the ticket.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:22
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“It’s hard to find good talent; everybody’s either a crook or an idiot!” *pays “senior” GM $15/hr, staff turns over every six months*
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Oct 16, 2020 16:44
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Come in, close the door. Yeah this talk is about your work ethic. You called in sick twice this month and that has me questioning your commitment to this team. If you want to stay a part of this family then you need to decide what kind of person you are. Are you the kind of person who will let a sniffle stand in the way of doing what we need you to do? Let that be the last time. I expect better from you. Anyway we'll have another chat after I get back from my three month vacation.
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Oct 16, 2020 17:13
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I have a small software company in a midwest college town, my applicant pool is CS graduates who haven't bailed for the west coast yet because they're waiting on a partner or hosed up their grades and no real company will talk to them. Despite how limited this applicant pool is I'm only going to pay them $32k/year with no benefits because my small business can't afford it, and make them do two rounds of interviews before they even get that offer because I have high standards. They all leave as soon as their partner graduates or they get two years of experience and bail for a job paying 3-4x as much, this means millennials have no concept of loyalty or professionalism. I'm going to focus on this new product so much that I completely forget it needs a sales strategy. Whoops! Time to hire a software sales rep, pay him a whopping 34k, and have him and the product manager design an entire sales strategy from scratch. Your advertising budget is $50 a month, better spend it wisely! .... No one wants to buy our software, clearly this is the fault of development. All decisions now need to be approved by me, but I'm not going to make those until I have time to research my options, which I will get around to doing eventually, I promise. No raises this year, company expenses (renovating my house) are too high. Maybe if the sales team were better at their jobs you'd all be making more money. By the way, I'm taking my annual three week cross-country RV vacation next month. Oh no the sales team all quit, the ungrateful shits! I know how to resolve this crisis, time to fire the product manager. Clearly it's his fault for letting things degrade to this!
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Oct 16, 2020 18:54
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Actually it's a start-up
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Oct 16, 2020 18:59
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Listen up - we're going to have to implement a no headphones rule as I've noticed that when you're trying to zone out the busy office and actually get work done I can't just blindly shout at you from the next office over so we're going to ban headphones across the board. Also hey, you know technology - can you fix my outlook for me?
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Oct 16, 2020 19:08
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Hey I have a bunch of whiteboards on the wall, and I like to put really sensitive financial data up there so I can look at it, right? My idea is that we can put blinds over the whiteboard and then when customers/vendors come in, I can just close the blinds and then they can't see it. Top priority - I need it done now. Customer is coming by in 15 minutes.
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Oct 16, 2020 19:09
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I’m putting business cards in the kids bags at Halloween Who can pass up that kind of networking
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Oct 16, 2020 19:11
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