The Bird posted:

Hello Sole Applicant!

We are very excited to have you start working at our small design firm. We have been in business for 20 years and have deep ties in the community with all of the large, local consultants that you will want to be working with. I thought, before you begin your duties working for our Emerging Small, Minority, Woman-Owned Business, that I would take this time to outline exactly what your duties will be over the next couple of years.

Starting your career is a daunting process. There is so much you don’t know! And I realize that you are expecting a true mentor. Someone who can guide you to fill in the gaps of your education. Unfortunately (for you), the reality of the small, local design market you are entering means that I am the only shop in town. And while I will recognize your need to learn and grow, I don’t feel that I have to actively help you in that process. Just google it while I browse Amazon! Hey, if you can’t figure it out, I will just treat you with so much derision that you will avoid ever asking me a question again.

Look, I am going to start you off at a wage that is 75% under the expected amount for your degree. I will increase that amount if you prove to have the ability to handle working for me. As mentioned, there is nowhere else for you to work and since your spouse is stuck in an unpaid internship, you can’t move. I might forget about that wage increase for six months. I might also purposefully omit overtime. But, what are you going to do? I am literally the only option you have for professional growth!

But it’s not all bad! After 2 years I will trick another, more experienced professional into joining my firm under the auspices of partnership (lol). He will be the one to really teach you. You just have to hold out for those years going to meetings with engineers and contractors, unable to answer their gotcha-questions that originate from the frustration of my absence. Can you handle that meeting with the City tomorrow? I can’t make it. The City Engineer is just going to ask you questions that relate directly to my liability. You got this!

Also, every once in a while I will not have work for you, but I also will not lay you off so you can collect unemployment. I don’t like paying for that. By the way, I forgot to market (oopsie). Can I just string you along with the minimum amount of office hours for you to stick around? It will be at a reduced rate. Where else would you go anyway. You need experience under me to gain your licensure. A second job? You are on call! Moonlighting? Don't let me find out!

I will also cycle around 12 other professionals through this office while you are here. Pulling them away from other firms and lower skilled, unrelated jobs just to fire them within weeks, if not months. Did I mention how replaceable you are?

Those past employees? Oh, I will report them for claiming hours I don’t feel they deserve. Better stay on my good side! Don't want this all to be at for nothing, do you? Hey, can you call the licensing board too? Doesn’t it make you mad that YOU are getting the required experience for your license, but they are lying about theirs? Nevermind that my license didn’t require me to get hours and I never actually worked under anyone else.

Look, you will try everything to get away. You can go back to school, but let’s face it, YOU have a kid. You can’t afford to get another degree. You can look for work somewhere else and the experience you get here isn’t going to make you competitive in larger markets! I also won’t be introducing you to any other consultants who can give you a reference.

Did I mention the benefits? There are none! I am a small business. I can’t cripple myself with those things. How am I going to get a new car every two years? How am I going to afford that quarter million dollar addition to my house? Doesn't your side get insurance through their school? Can you get on that?

Every so often, when it gets bad enough, I will give you the absolute minimum pay increase to keep you on. I know you can leave, I am just hoping my combination of abuse and miniscule reward will be enough to keep you around and not value yourself enough to step out. Remember that family? Those responsibilities?

After a couple of years, you and your mentor might be in a position to go out on your own, but I have a deal for you! I am going to retire in about a year (for the next two years) and I want to pass my business on to you. All my contacts. All my work that you have been doing while I take credit for it. It can be yours. Don't you want to be the big fish in this small pond?

I just will need to stay on as the creative director (and control everything), own the majority stock of the company (I did build it), have a minimum salary/hours for guaranteed income (I know you worked hourly), and health insurance until I turn 65. Quite the deal, right?

I am a Small Business.