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Ivanka. Melania. Melanie. Melanka. Ivania. Ivankelania. Melanika. The names twisted through my brain, genius brain, the biglyest brain ever, as I fumbled eagerly towards the flap of my pants. On the bed, a porn star lay, disinteredly staring at me. I finally undid my pants, the best pants, tailors came to me, strong guys, with tears in their eyes, telling me Sir, your pants, we just want to thank you, the amount of fabric used alone put our kids through college. Probably Trump U. "Looks like Super Mario's in town," the porn star said. The sound of the smacking of her chewing gum, Juicy Fruit, just the juicyest ever, haunts me to this day.
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Nov 24, 2020 21:10
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| # ¿ May 21, 2024 14:54 |
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Melania and Ivanka entered from opposite sides of the room, pausing in their tracks to stare daggers at each other, like the three-way shootout in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, only minus one person, like Three Times One Minus One from the classic comedy sketch show Mr Show with Bob and David. The air in the room instantly turned chilly, as though Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat had just pulled off one of his fatalities. Both of them were competing for Donald's attention, like the characters Betty and Veronica competing for the titular character's attention in the long-running Archie comic series. Between them sat Donald, the WWE Hall of Famer, with the scent of a particularly fouled diaper wafting up from him like stink waves from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He paid the stink waves no mind, as though they were words from one of his national security briefings. Donald was cramming hamberders into his maw. They were McDonald's hamberders, originally called hamburgers, but ever since his infamous tweet they had been renamed hamberders by his supplicants, a word which is similar to replicants, a term commonly used in the 1982 science fiction movie Blade Runner. Donald neither knew or cared about any of these things. He just knew his favorite time of day had arrived. "WHO'S GONNA CHANGE ME!!" he bellowed, spitting out a mixture of chewed hamberder and coronavirus spittle, like the Krayt dragon from the TV show The Mandalorian spewing acid. Melania and Ivanka stared at each other silently, then turned and walked over to the weapons racks near their respective doors. It was time for their daily competition for Donald's affection, like on the TV show The Bachelor, only with more violence, like the TV show Game of Thrones. Melania didn't mind these fights as much as Ivanka; unlike her rival, she at least had an army of clones waiting to replace her, like she was Rei from the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. Even if Ivanka won like she usually did, she would eventually grow older and die, like a character in the movie Cocoon. Melania's clones meant she was forever, like Mariah Carey's song All I Want for Christmas is You. Melania chose the bat'leth, a weapon made famous for its usage in the Star Trek series of movies, books, comics, and films. She was Slovenian, from a country that basically didn't exist until after World War 2, a war famous for being started by Adolf Hitler, whose writings and speeches were the only books her husband ever wanted her to read to him when it was time for bed. She would slap away his tiny grasping hands as he desperately begged her to read just one more passage from Mein Kampf. She would eventually defeat the woman she regarded as the blonde bitch from New York City, a city made famous by its usage in the TV show Sex and the City. It was just a matter of time, a concept made famous by the TV series Doctor Who, a British TV show, Britain being famous for having their own version of Donald named Boris Johnson. Men named Boris filled Melania with dread, the word that inspired the Judge Dredd comics, also from Britain. Britain was undergoing Brexit, a combination of the words Britain and exit, from the EU. EU was also coincidentally the sound Ivanka made just before going out to talk to the poors at her daddy's rallies. Melania sympathized with her on this one and only point, as they prepared for combat in front of the giant orange diaper baby who now held the highest office in the land, the President of the United States, coincidentally also the name of a alt-rock band from the 1990s, who sang a song called "Lump", which rhymed with "Trump", and which also perfectly described his current physical state.
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Nov 25, 2020 14:49
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