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quack CRITS quack Yoruichi ‘Til Death Do Us Part Flash: Horror rom com Tropes: Love triangle, night of revelry, new in town, overbearing parent, iconic landmark Love triangle: You have embraced the KDrama spirit and turned a love triangle into a love… pentagon. Very KDrama. Night of revelry: You give me some idea of a night of revelry. New in town: “Geoff had been having an affair with Emerald since the first week she blew into town.” Overbearing parent: I love the late-reveal that Patricia Thornbury is “Patricia Three-Times-Regional-Women’s-Darts-Champion Thornbury” Iconic landmark: Lake Murdersdeep? Yes. Feedback Genre: You have blood and death and murder in a morgue. With Frighteningly Fun Factor: Descriptions: I was fascinated by your figurative descriptions of Geoff’s collapse and of Magnolia’s separation from her body. Perhaps it’s my personal preference, but I would suggest removing the “you” from these descriptions.
Relying on Tropes: I am not familiar with your writing, so I am not sure if this is a typical shortcut of yours or one that you feel represents the KDrama genre. My advice to you is to be specific. If you want to lean into crime show tropes, then lean into those tropes by being more descriptive.
Spice level: adding kimchi to your instant ramen *** Idle Amalgam The Right Wish Time Travel RomCom Childhood best friends, loyal companion, flashbacks, night of revelry, enemies are foils Childhood best friends: Crenshaw and Sarah… and Henry loyal companion: Crenshaw and Sarah Flashbacks: episodic flashbacks night of revelry: pukey pukey NYE party enemies are foils: Crenshaw and Henry Feedback Flashbacks: I can see your use of “***” to divide time. I am not sure how I feel about the episodic division of your story. I am not sure if the divisions within the party are necessary on their own, although I can be a distracted reader and do feel like having some self-contained moments helped me to follow along. However, since you have this larger framing flashback, the party divisions are a little misleading. If you had more words or wanted to expand this story, I am wondering how the different subdivided moments might play out in terms of Crenshaw throwing pennies into the fountain to make wishes--how would a different wish for changing a different moment play out for Crenshaw and Sarah? I wanted the moment of time travel to be later, maybe when Sarah asks Crenshaw to dance. Why would he choose this particular moment for the “right” time? Text Dialogue: Crenshaw and Sarah have a lot of familiarity in their text messages, and I learn a lot about them as individuals and about their relationship through how you have them interact. KDramas embrace childhood friendships and the turning of friendships to romance--but I would like to know more about why Sarah has changed her view of Crenshaw to be more romantic over time. Genre: KDramas always end with the protagonists living happily-ever-after. Spice Level: gyeranbang *** Mercedes My City, My Rules Emotional tone swing, Heir/Heiress, Family Secret, Enemies are Foils, Night of Revelry Emotional tone swing: Nice emotional tone swinging in the moment of stabbing. The moment is both serious and lighthearted. Well done. Heir/Heiress: Koeniger the ruler Family Secret: Uncle’s secret assassin stab stab plot Enemies are Foils: Koeniger and his uncle Night of Revelry: Already drinking. Feedback Dialogue: You move smoothly between action and dialogue. This is a compliment. Not everyone does this. Your story has movement--your dialogue and action work together to move the story forward. I wonder if you read comics. Your story reads in a comic-fashion where the dialogue and narration work separately but in coordination. This style is very fun. Creed: I love a good “with arms wide open” reference. Setting: You don’t bore me by introducing the setting and the context and how all this magic works. And I follow you. I can see you writing about a leadership situation where “The upper class would riot if they knew,” an attempted coup, and an attempt to build a city into something that Jasper would be proud of. I don’t know you well enough to know to what extent you may be making a connection to real-world current events. My feedback is to lean either closer or further to reality--by this I mean tell me more about the world you have created or make even more salient connections between your created world and the world in which you live. Your writing is powerful enough to offer a commentary if that’s your choice. Spice Level: rabokki *** Sebmojo Three Alarmer First Responder Revenge Childhood best friends, memory loss, overbearing parent, family secret, night of revelry Childhood best friends: Dave, childhood best friend and secret lover memory loss: Dave’s dad overbearing parent: Dave’s dad family secret: Dave’s fire night of revelry: NYE Feedback Childhood Friends (and Secret Lovers): Tony and Dave are childhood friends (and secret lovers). I understand that their (secret lovers) relationship is what prompts the action of the story--Dave wants to marry Tony, Dave’s dad is homophobic, Dave lights the Manor on fire for revenge--but aside from being the impetus for the action, I don’t have a sense of Dave and Tony’s relationship. Flash Genre: I enjoy the contrast between the intense external action of the firefighting with Tony’s internal bafflement at Dave’s suggestion of proposal. This along with the casualness of the post-ambulance conversation between Dave and Tony speaks to the rhythmic mundanity following encountering a trauma that can be typical of the first-responder genre. You play around by sharing Tony’s wonderings about Dave’s marriage decision in the midst of the action, and I wonder how you might lean into your strengths here to share more about their relationship. Spice level: Korean 7-Eleven *** Flerp I tell you this to make it true Overbearing parent, New in town, Iconic landmark, Night of revelry, Flashback Overbearing parent: A weirdly sensual sage parent is not quite an overbearing parent New in town: a mysterious ocean man Iconic landmark: The ocean is not quite iconic enough. Night of revelry: Many nights of revelry begin and end with giving the barman too much money. Flashback: KDramas typically do literal flashbacks to moments in the chronological past. However, your attempt here to provide a prophetic-like flashforward is not outside of KDrama style. Feedback Imagery: Nice work with the water and ocean imagery and your extension of this imagery with your description of drinking, rocking, reeling, and water/rain. I did not feel that it was too overbearing since you used such a variety of language in such a variety of ways to propel your story (from description to action to plot content). Tense: I was intrigued by your prophetic use of the future tense, following along with you as you describe things that the father speaks into existence. I am also intrigued by your title. Metaphor: If your story is a metaphor for something larger, I am missing it. Remember that as the writer you have the responsibility to give some clarity to your tale. Your story was the most poetic in form. While I followed the ebbs and flows of your poetic description, I wanted slightly more of a nudge to help me understand how the father’s prophecy translates beyond the beauty of the story itself. Spice level: Korean all-day church *** Noah Together, Forever Childhood best friends, New in town, Heir/Heiress, Flashback, Emotional tone swing Childhood best friends: Soleo and Del Moray New in town: Are the armed guards the people who are new in town? Heir/Heiress: Carmilla Flashback: “In Soleo’s hand was a dip pen made of bone, and he thought more of Del Moray than the subject of the letter.” Emotional tone swing: drunken confession tumble Feedback Relationships: I am really charmed by Soleo and Del Moray’s relationship (some great KDramas are about friendship, sibling love, filial love, and other forms of nonromantic love). I am not, however, sure why I should care about Carmila or her father Baron Davore. The idea of a love interest creating a divide in a childhood best friendship is very KDrama--I need to believe that there is something uniquely special about Carmila before I find out that she and her father are controlling, paranoid, authoritarians. Dialogue: I did not read your characters as having distinct voices--from each other or from your narration. For Soleo and Del Moray, I suppose this could make sense. Spice Level: Korean McDonalds *** Thranguy Here Be Dragons Super Power Historical Heir/Heiress, "For my father", Flashbacks, Iconic Landmark, Night of Revelry Heir/Heiress: ? "For my father": "You!" He pointed at Fafnir with the sword. "You killed my father." Flashbacks: 1945-1688-1945-1941-1946 Iconic Landmark: Neuschwanstein Castle Night of Revelry: 1946 party Feedback KDrama Tropes: Who is the heir/heiress in this story? The young man with the Sharpest Sword and the Unbreakable Shield? Who is the heir and what are they inheriting? Dragon Tales: You have a mix of fantasy and historical fiction and seem to have some fun creating this world. You mention towards the end that there are other “powereds.” Your story reads strongly of fantasy, and I would like to know more about the superpowers that exist in this world beyond dragons. Flashbacks: I like the idea of using flashbacks to show Fafnir’s age, but I am not entirely sure of its purpose beyond further references to dragons living “a drat long time.” Spice level: tornado potato *** Simply Simon Death of the Family Absurd tragedy Heir/Heiress | “For my father!” | Overbearing parent | Night of revelry | Enemies are foils Heir/Heiress: Juan is the heir. “For my father!”: You seem to insert this into Juan’s speech--but I wonder if Antonio’s final stabbing of himself could is intended to be a kind of “For your father… aka me” reveal. Overbearing parent: Antonio. Duh. Night of revelry: Warm champagne does not a night of revelry make. Enemies are foils: I was interested in your reference to Dumas and the iron mask, an interesting opportunity to further explore Juan and the masked man as foils. Instead, the masked man is Antonio. I suppose you try to explore how Juan and Antonio are foils after Antonio reveals his mask, but I am not following along here. Feedback Dialogue: I enjoyed reading Juan’s internal monologue as he gives the practiced speech about his father. I can see how you are working to develop his relationship with Antonio here. Instead of a shift to focus on Karla/Karlita in the final confrontation, I would have liked to have seen the sword fight play out arguing over these two perceptions of Antonio--an open door just for his employees, his ignoring of family problems, his wealth and shallowness, etc. Action: I want more specific action in your sword fight scene. I wonder how you could highlight the action verbs in your description of the sword fight--rather than “vaulted,” how can you restructure to emphasize “vaulting”? Emphasizing verbs as participial phrases might help you to foreground the action. Also, I can see that you want to weave together the action of the sword fight with the sparring of words. I think that you could do this more deftly. How does the action of the sword fight reflect the growing intensity of the anger and frustration of Juan and the masked man/Antonio? Spice level: Pioneer Woman kimchi made with paprika instead of gochugaru *** Brotherly What Did You See Emotional tone swing, Love triangle, Overbearing parent, Family secret, Loyal companion Emotional tone swing: “lick it” Love triangle: Mellie and fiance (Laine) and Jeremy Overbearing parent: Mama is the parent in the story, but I am not sure that she is overbearing. Family secret: ghost room--Jeremy Loyal companion: Who is the loyal companion? Feedback The Supernatural Works in Mysterious Ways: Licking an ghost orb is strange, comical, and just wild enough to maybe be a part of a KDrama. Laine: Who is Laine? The husband-to-be. You reference him mostly this way, and I wonder if you are trying to communicate something about Mellie’s lack of connection with him. Laine just seems to exist in the world without contributing much to the story. I am curious what Laine saw, but if the point is that we never know, then how else does Laine contribute to your story? Are there other ways to communicate this “what did you see?” without Laine occupying so much of your word count? KDrama Tropes: I was not always able to easily identify your use of the KDrama tropes. What do you consider to be the emotional tone swing? How is the mother an overbearing parent? Who is the loyal companion? Mellie seems to be a loyal companion to Jeremy in that she revisits his orb (and ghost sexes him), and Jeremy seems to be a curious companion to Mellie. Laine seems to be a loyal companion to Mellie in the sense that they are engaged, so I have to assume they have some level of companionship. Spice level: Baskin Robbins, the fun flavors *** Tree Bucket Bridge Party K-drama, "silly succession // Iconic landmark, emotional tone swing, new in town, overbearing parent, love triangle" Iconic landmark: Sydney Harbour Bridge emotional tone swing: where? new in town: narrator is new? overbearing parent: Beloved’s mother love triangle: “Marry me!” (Roger) Feedback Relationships: There is a room with a lot of rich people, and I think I am supposed to pay attention to the color of their hair. I get glimpses of moments of interaction between people that helps me to understand what is happening, but I am left wanting to know more information about who these characters are and what the relationships are between them. Dialogue: You introduce many characters, and while you describe them, you also rely on a fair amount of free-floating dialogue. Maybe your purpose is to communicate the fast pace. Maybe your purpose is to communicate the cacophony of the moment. I think that you could accomplish either, both, or more while also giving your characters and their relationships a bit more texture within the dialogue. Writing a story that focuses on dialogue is a unique challenge, remember that a dialogue-focused story requires that the dialogue serve multiple purposes as you develop your story. KDrama Tropes: I was not able to easily identify your use of the KDrama tropes, aside from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I am here for the KDrama. Spice level: This is a piece of sourdough bread.
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Jan 12, 2021 04:24
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 11:38 |
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