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Geordi Laforge has broken every arms treaty there is, he tests experimental munitions on unidentified ships in active combat scenarios, the man should be in a stockade awaiting trial for war crimes but they just keep giving him medals. Picard? That monster flies a kindergarten into battle every week, he's an irredeemable mad man who wears toddlers as a human shield like Capone. Probably on the path to admiral now. And don't get me started on that butcher Dr Crusher... Meanwhile I program Heinz 57 into the replicator and get the boot because the captain has some kinda thing against vinegar? loving bullshit.
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Jan 14, 2021 16:34
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 22:07 |
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Dammit, the computer heard me mention the words "latinum" and "Ferengi" and a laugh in the same 3-minute period and now I'm up on "anti-federation sedition" charges, this future sucks like a salt vampire.
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Jan 14, 2021 18:02
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Explain how this makes sense: Kirk stole like 3 different capital ships, right? That we know of? Not to mention the laundry list of offenses in that 5-year "exploration" bloodbath he led (that we know of!! Half those planets are still classified!!!). Totally blew the Khan situation, even broke the torpedo treaty that let "Probe 'em" LaForge rain his death on the cosmos, and he gets a slap on the wrist!!! Kirk dies in his dress-uniform, christening the Enterprise B with a champagne flute in his hand, an admiral in everything but name. Mutineer, insurrectionist, turned a blind eye to genocidal madmen, whatever, never spent a night in jail. But I borrow, just borrow, ONE measly little loving stupid dead alien's flute from the captain's quarters to clean my fingernails with, and I'm freaking court martialed!!!???? WTF!???
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Jan 14, 2021 18:58
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I installed Dwarf Fortress on the holodeck but Mr. Data got hit by space lightning and really thought he was some lesser utility noble, I don't know man I was pretty drunk.
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Jan 15, 2021 05:11
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I jury-rigged a phaser and one of those nondescript gas tanks from engineering into a flame-throwing device, I thought it was cool but suddenly the computer starts freaking out and I'm in irons. Weiners. The Klingons would appreciate me. |
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Jan 15, 2021 16:07
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I was not being lewd! That lady literally had a horned dog! Not a euphemism!! A dog with a horn!!!
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Jan 15, 2021 16:42
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They ID'd me in the riot footage by my "All Hail Kahn Noonien Singh" tattoo.
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Jan 15, 2021 22:51
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Everyone at the academy thought my Traditional Satan Who Wants to Take Over the Universe holodeck program was awesome but they let total rubes use the holodeck on a star-ship, you know that? Any idiot can just waltz in, disable all safeties for god-knows-what reason, and ruin someone else's career. Nightmare.
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Jan 15, 2021 23:32
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I brought up that one time we figured out warp travel was destroying the universe. Fine, just ignore the problem completely, great ecological message there, Ranger Rick. |
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Jan 16, 2021 15:20
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I dared ask for an actual explanation of the ranks of Star Fleet, like what is there other than just Captain and Admiral and how does the chain of command really work, and they looked at me like I had just publicly sworn allegiance to Kronos. I swear I met a Major once but everybody says that's prehistoric nonsense???
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Jan 16, 2021 17:29
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Told a totally clean, respectful joke in 10 Forward, and even got a laugh! But something about "the Ferengi pop star's album went double latinum" was offensive to somebody and I got written up. Why even have an open mic night!?!?
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Jan 16, 2021 17:41
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I should have just let Guinan lecture me on human rights, but no, I had to go and ask her where she was actually from and why she thinks she knows so much about Earth social politics if she's from uncharted space, and oh man was that the wrong thing to say to the captain's favorite bartender...
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Jan 16, 2021 17:44
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I wasn't comfortable having a drunk liar run the machine that disassembles my atoms and I said so. Back to working at the vineyards for me I guess. What is it with all the booze in this supposedly synthahol-only federation???
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Jan 16, 2021 18:02
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Piece of advice for new recruits: if you find a cool looking space lobster thing just phaser it. Yeah I know we're supposed to be seeking out new life but in general if it's a bug it's a bad guy. Humanoids are at least a 50/50 chance. Funny how Earth is all about equality now but the deeper we go into space the more we discover, two legs good six legs bad... like unerringly, it's nuts.
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Jan 16, 2021 18:13
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I seriously don't know, alright??? We were scanning rocks. ROCKS. Planet full of 'em. Gotta go down and scan the rocks. Easy. So then there's this blurry kinda energy... thing, right? That lives on this stupid rock planet? And all of the sudden, like with NO warning, I'm talking to FDR. Franklin fuckin' Delano fuckin' Roosevelt. Got the little cigarette holder and the glasses, he's in the wheelchair with the blanket, what the gently caress, right? And there's this door, like a community theater prop, on this rock planet, and he gives this little speech, yada yada yada, we're in 1944 Paris. I'll spare you the gory details, but in the end it turns out Ensign Guy, that dude with the bowl haircut? Turns out he was gonna be some kinda future fascist leader and I don't know, the blur monster had to see which one of us it was and I answered all the trivia questions about the constitution right so it wasn't me and the commander shot some Nazis so it wasn't him I guess, and we're back with the rocks, and they beam us up... I don't know! Okay!? I don't know why this keeps happening, I've met Mark Twain, Stephen Hawking and Willam F. Tricorder and I think at least one of them was the real guy but I just can't tell anymore. I'm sorry "Ensign Guy was gonna be a double-Hitler" isn't a good enough explanation for you, I'm sorry, but that's what happened, that's what keeps happening, gently caress this. gently caress this, man.
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Jan 16, 2021 19:15
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A lady dignitary came onto the ship, and I thought there was a gas leak or a teleporter error or something because every time I looked at her everything was all smudgy and blurry. And of course in reporting it I make an rear end of myself because no, turns out she just wore brain-clouding perfume because she's old and now I've insulted her by calling attention to it. FML.
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Jan 17, 2021 16:13
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 22:07 |
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I drew a mustache on a Cheronian, with a sharpie and whiteout.
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Jan 17, 2021 17:44
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