byob terlet posting thred

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cruft

Hi, I was told to make a terlet posting thred, after mentioning we got a BRAND NEW BUTTHOLE-SQUIRTING teRLET SEAT.

I still haven't pooped _while on it yet but everybody else in the family has, which just goes to show you that the person who does all the terlet work is gonna be the last to enjoy the luxury. C'est la vie.

Anyway, post about your poopin' I guess. Or post while poopin'. Or post about your poopin' while poopin'.

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:19

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 11:33

cruft

Old bidet looked like this:

You stick it between your existing toilet seat and the toilet, and put some spacers on the front of the seat. Then you hook it inline with the water infeed, and you can squirt water onto your butthole! Maybe into a little bit too, if that's your thing. It's my thing, but maybe not for everyone? I like to have a squeaky clean anus.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Does the trick, $25.

Next post: THE NEW TERLET SEAT

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:23

cruft

NEW TERLET SEAT THAT SQUIRTS YOU IN THE BUTTHOLE:

I mean it's pretty much the same thing, you put it inline with the water supply and then you turn something and it squirts you in the butthole, but this one lets you direct where the jet of water goes by pushing the lever down, instead of moving your rear end around to catch the spray right. Very luxurious.

Also you'll notice the contoured back, which gently slopes up to meet your tailbone, so you can sit in there for hours reading SA or whatever, maybe. I hope it doesn't pick up a bunch of nasty rear end crack juice. My dad has one and it seems fine, so I'm not too worried about this.

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:27

cruft

SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

We've had a bidet for a lot longer than most American due to my BUTTHOLE CANCER SCAR so here are some questions we've gotten a lot from people:

Q: Isn't the water cold?
A: Yes. Yes it is.

Q: Isn't that uncomfortable?
A: You get used to it. It's the same temperature as the water you wash your hands with, unless you let the faucet run for 2 minutes before you wash your hands, in which case, we need to talk about responsible water use in the desert.

Q: I'm not comfortable with this.
A: That's fine, don't use it. Feel free to smear poop around your butt with paper until it's just a thin layer of poop. It's your butt.

Q: I'm 5 years old and just walked up to the toilet. What does this lever do?
A: Hahahahahahahaha

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:31

cruft

Mormon Nailer posted:

Ground floor toilet posting, gimme that sweet clean rear end cartel gangtag.

Which toilet did you get, cruft???

I have the Toto G400 and it's exquisite. My butt is warm, clean and has listened to the sounds of waterfalls and birds today. Bet you're rear end in a top hat hasn't had the Cadillac shitter experience, but you're welcome to come try mine.

We just have a standard ol' Australian-designed toilet. It's sold as an American Standard H2Option and it looks like this:

We didn't get the elongated bowl because our bathroom is pretty small and it'd take up too much room. I don't think the ladies in the house care, but the geometry of the bowl means I have to touch my own dong sometimes, which winds up not really being a problem.

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:34

cruft

I want to hear about the Toto G4000. Does it have Bluetooth?

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:35

cruft

quote:

The WASHLET G400 a smart toilet and a convenient compact design. The 3D Tornado Flush� system uses an efficient 1.28 or 0.9 GPF. Complete with our CEFIONTECT� ion barrier glaze. The G400 minimizes debris and mold from sticking to ceramic surfaces, keeping your toilet cleaner, longer.

I mean I played that GameCube Star Wars game and the ion cannon kept getting me every drat time, I never was able to escort the convoy off planet. I presume this is the same sort of system, and fear for my anus. :ohdear:

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:39

cruft

cruft posted:

Q: I'm 5 years old and just walked up to the toilet. What does this lever do?
A: Hahahahahahahaha

I don't think it can be overstated how much joy there is to be had when small children squirt themselves in the chest with the bidet attachment. Or the ceiling. Or both.

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:42

cruft

Mormon Nailer posted:

It does not have the Bluetooth functionality (that is legitimately a thing you can get though!) but it does have a remote control. In case you're into that sort of thing.

This one has something called 3D Tornado Flush System, which means it sucks your awful bodily excrement down with such forceful water that it's almost like you never even poo poo, and how dare anyone assume that your perfect rear end in a top hat would ever dare do such a thing.

It's also got a heated seat, heated drying system, three cleansing modes (rear, front and soft rear, for those with sensitive or hosed up booty holes) and music on board.

The toilet self flushes when you stand. There's also a built in courtesy flush system in case you're dropping serious rear end and no amount of music will cover the smell.

Speaking of which, it has an on board room deodorizer system. So in case you are me, and a disgusting goblin who poops but you don't want anyone to know that you are anything but a beautiful hedge witch, you can hit a button on your toilet remote and instantly fumigate the room with a range of scents. Seriously.

The music is great because there's, on my toilet, eight pre-programmed ambient noise sound effects, a children's potty training song, and the sound of a toilet continuously flushing.

It's basically like having someone go poo poo for you, instead. That would be the only real improvement.

This all sounds amazing and makes me feel like my new toilet seat is just a pale shadow of the majestic heights to which a simple toilet can aspire.

I am, however, going to have to insist on you directing me to someplace I can hear the children's song that your toilet sings.

# ¿ May 16, 2021 23:53

cruft

UPDATE: I have just done a #1 and it was everything I dreamed it could be. A+ would go #1 again.

I have high hopes for future pooping activity.

# ¿ May 17, 2021 00:28

cruft

sk posted:

i got used to the cold water pretty quickly, but if it's really bad you can spend the extra on one that hooks up to the hot water line. i've def burned my b hole though so be careful

There are even ones that instantly warm the cold water to a soothing butthole temperature. Sounds like EFN might have such a terlet.

# ¿ May 17, 2021 02:49

cruft

My keyboard keeps autocorrecting terlet into turret, which could wind up in interesting places given all the talk about bidets.

# ¿ May 17, 2021 02:50

cruft

prepuce repurposed posted:

what u want is a washlet

this orb gets it

# ¿ May 17, 2021 13:11

cruft

Ventral EggSac posted:

hold up hold up hold up

the standard terlet we all know and love was designed in Australia??

The ones that use very little water are usually an Aussie design, yes.

I found this out when the flush mechanism was broken on arrival with our replacement tank. Lots of looking at plastic with magnifying glasses and googling wound me up on an Australian flush mechanism manufacturer web site.

I wound up fixing the part with a hair dryer.

cruft fucked around with this message at 14:13 on May 17, 2021

# ¿ May 17, 2021 14:11

cruft

Mormon Nailer posted:

Fine Australian quality needs specialized tools.

The Stubborn Dad in me recognizes the Stubborn Dad in you.

gently caress if I'm going to ship a plastic stick from Australia. That's wasteful.

# ¿ May 17, 2021 14:21

cruft

Finger Prince posted:

I enjoy using Japanese bidets while visiting there, though sometimes I can't be bothered futzing around with all the settings so I just wipe like a Neanderthal.
Do you pre-wipe to get the big chunks off before spraying, or just let the water hose everything off?
One thing I've never been able to figure out is European style bidets.

Do you just sit on the cold porcelain and let the water flow down your buttcrack? There's not a lot of pressure there. Is the idea that you rub your butthole with your hand while this is happening to get it clean?

That's exactly how it works. Then you wash your hands.

# ¿ May 18, 2021 13:33

cruft

biosterous posted:

you know where you are?
you're on the terlet, baby!
you're gonna wiiiiiiiiiiipe

# ¿ May 18, 2021 15:44

cruft

Mormon Nailer posted:

Exactly. Japanese bidets just want to be nice to your butt. Euro bidets are a form of punishment.

Look, people, somebody has to do the thing for the first time. And it's almost guaranteed that whoever makes the next one will improve it. So the first bidet design was the worst one the world ever saw. The fact that there are so many of them is a testament to what a great idea it was, generally.

And I think we can all get behind that.

# ¿ May 18, 2021 20:04

cruft

Escape From Noise posted:

Okay! Everyone! I found the wikiHow!

Thank goodness

# ¿ May 18, 2021 20:44

cruft

alnilam posted:

lmao i love wikihow so much

For the first time ever I'm going to recommend everybody read the comments.

# ¿ May 18, 2021 20:48

cruft

How Wonderful! posted:

I like to use the bidet and the waterpik at the same time bc otherwise I'm afraid the water pressure will blast me off in one direction or the other. Gotta equalize the forces.

This person gets it

# ¿ May 18, 2021 22:48

cruft

cruft posted:

This person gets it

In both ends

# ¿ May 18, 2021 22:48

cruft

Can't stop thinking about that WikiHow article. I hadn't previously considered washing all my genitals with the bidet.

# ¿ May 19, 2021 02:06

cruft

Gramps posted:

Postin from the terlet 10/10 would shitpost again

Also we need a gangtag for the people that crank the bidet pressure all the way up. Pressure wash that donut errday

The new bidet is much lower pressure than the old one. But, surprisingly, I'm getting just as clean.

Apparently I'd been power washing my butthole this whole time and didn't realize it!

# ¿ May 19, 2021 16:13

cruft

How Wonderful! posted:

Pondering the stations of the cross while undergoing the martyrdoms of the rear end.

Bumper sticker idea:

POOPIN 4 JESUS

# ¿ May 19, 2021 19:49

cruft

Had to poo at a public toilet today and now my butthole is bleeding from my attempt to not have poo in my underwear afterwards.

# ¿ Jun 27, 2021 23:02

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 11:33

cruft

Displeased Moo Cow posted:

my parents replaced all the toilets in their home to those airline suction ones and now all their waste is just flung into space

Are you posting from a space ship? You have to tell us if you are.

# ¿ Jun 28, 2021 04:08

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