- Toph Bei Fong
- Feb 29, 2008
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This one pissed off one of my uncles real good
https://www.theonion.com/62-year-old-with-gun-only-one-standing-between-nation-a-1819574418
62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover
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NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.
Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.
“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”
“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”
Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.
Additional reports confirmed that Bailey’s frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover.
“The way I see it, the Second Amendment’s been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years,” Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. “First they’ll come for our guns and next…well, shoot, I don’t really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next.”
While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Bailey’s heroics.
“As long as there’s someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America,” said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. “Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propaganda—claiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deaths—the man just wouldn’t bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, drat him.”
“You’ve got to hand it to him, really,” Caufield added. “If it weren’t for Earl, you’d be looking at a totally different country.”
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Jun 8, 2021 17:26
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May 19, 2024 15:47
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- Toph Bei Fong
- Feb 29, 2008
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And this one ticked him off as well, post Benghazi, when he was posting on Facebook about how there was a "CIA Killteam" ready to be deployed and save Vilerat and the others, but Obama refused to call it in
Smart, Qualified People Behind The Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don't Exist’
https://www.theonion.com/smart-qualified-people-behind-the-scenes-keeping-ameri-1819571706
quote:
WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.
“I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room,” said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. “Unfortunately, though, I’m not employed by the U.S. government, I’m not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists.”
“And again, neither do I,” the imaginary man added.
According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we’ve been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.
Fictitious sources also confirmed that the so-called “masterminds” behind our country’s security and strategic defense are in fact people of moderate to reasonably above-average intelligence just like us who perform their jobs with more or less the same degree of competence and zeal as any regular person with a job would.
“Obviously, it would be very comforting, and pretty cool, if there were stealth groups of resourceful, naturally gifted secret agents like me scouring the planet, rooting out terrorist sleeper cells, and tracking down Osama bin Laden,” said a multilingual computer/ explosives/espionage expert who most Americans actually believe is a real guy out there. “I’m not denying that would be amazing; my only point is that it just isn’t true.”
“Believe me, I wish I existed, too,” the fake man added. “I would probably be great.”
Following the announcement, reporters learned that the all-seeing satellite cameras and invisible eyes that millions of Americans assume are diligently watching every square-inch of the country like a silent sentinel are either not up there at all, or are being monitored by a tired, modestly educated man reading Road & Track magazine in a tiny office.
And, despite the widely held belief in some sort of all-knowing superagency that secretly controls all the other intelligence branches from above, attempts by reporters to contact such an agency were unsuccessful, as there is no way this is actually a thing.
“Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night,” said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we’re all imagining. “But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I’m not.”
“But good luck with everything,” he added, or rather didn’t add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.
In response to the announcement, members of the actual team of government workers in charge of keeping our country safe each day sought to reassure the American people that the nation’s welfare is in good hands.
“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it,” said the underpaid 28-year-old GED recipient who makes you take off your shoes and throw away your water bottle before you get on an airplane. “We got all kinds of crazy computers and poo poo to monitor things, so there’s no way anything can go wrong. We got you covered.”
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Jun 8, 2021 17:31
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Jun 8, 2021 17:26
