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CW: The following discusses suicidal ideation in the context of my personal experiences . I have no intention to act upon these thoughts, but they are omnipresent I feel that bringing them up, and the frustration they bring, is important to the post. I am seeing a psych, and getting some of the medication I need for the (minimal) improvements it has given. --------- The following is very E/N, and is bumping a two week dead thread, and very tl;dr, and for that I apologize. However I feel expressing my opinions in the context of my experiences is important for making my point. As someone who has struggled with mental health issues to the point I am disabled and constantly suicidal, the trip through the mental health system has always been with a focus for "getting back to work". After two decades of attempted employment, I had my fourth or fight mental breakdown and applied for disability. I was recently denied social security disability because I made the mistake of one time in the middle of the process telling a doctor I was "feeling better", which was used by the judge as evidence I could improve, and therefore wasn't consistently disabled for a year per their definitions i.e. only "moderately" depressed rather than the "severe" qualification. My pain and suffering was means-tested and I was found wanting. The judge said my constant desire for suicide and being completely overwhelmed was "neither particularly moving nor relevant" in his judgement. Mental health is, it seems, largely an ideological position. Someone pointed out a lot of conditions, like ADHD, are named after the symptoms that annoy neurotypicals/bosses/authority figures the most, rather than the things that harm the affected person the most i.e. in my case it would be the constant feeling that my mind is a misfiring, cloudy, mush of rapid fire, incoherent thoughts, moving far too fast to articulate. An engine set in neutral and the gas slammed on, revving it to 7000 RPM but going nowhere. When I get grilled everytime I mention suicidal ideation, they ask about anger. Literally any and all anger is seen as bad and something to learn how to control and suppress and not express. I feel I am being interrogated for trigger phrases so they can have me involuntarily committed; to be deprived of my liberty and incarcerated for "helpful" reasons, is a fate I find worse than death. Sometimes it feels like mental health is just to keep rent-generating bipeds minimally functional and compliant. I cannot function in a job. Its not lack of skills, its inability to perform "work theater", i.e. the APPEARANCE of being productive. I want to tell everyone who said "fake it until you make it" to gently caress off; for people with autism like myself, who was misdiagnosed as high functioning (because I could temporarily hold down jobs and pay bills but nothing else), you NEVER learn to be nuerotypical or even how to temporarily fake it, even when trying to do so for over two decades of extremely sporadic employment. I am CONSTANTLY twitching and mumbling and pacing and doing stereotypical crazy people behavior and the horror of it is, I'm watching myself do it from own eyes, as if a stranger is controlling my body and I'm helpless to stop any of these bizarre behaviors I see myself constantly doing. At this point, I'm so run ragged that even showing up anywhere on time, even for telecommuting, and reliably doing anything for a period of time, is out of the question. I am functional for approximentally 45minutes to an hour every day, including hygiene and eating. If something takes longer to do than that, I am useless for the entire next day or two. In fact, your mere existence is a burden around those around you due to constant weird behavior. I remember all those Pick threads of her talking about how autistic men were scum who hurt all those around them just by existing, and while she is a piece of poo poo, the fact of the matter is, while you can build a wheel chair ramp for someone in a wheel chair and give them a higher desk with no chair to work on, accommodating conditions for a moderate functioning autistic person is just forcing neutroypticals to deal with all the weird poo poo we're constantly doing. The stimming, the mumbling, the rocking back and forth, the weird ritualizations of behavior. Everything about this triggers neurotyptical people's "Something is profoundly wrong, go to fight or flight" instincts. Since I'm not doing anything specifically to break the rules, they don't say anything, so the distrust builds and builds and builds until they're knifing me in the back with the boss to get rid of me. Since I can't play it cool, or however you want to phrase it, the eyes of authority figures have always been on me, I have never been able to escape rule enforcers constantly monitoring me and slamming me for any violation. I held onto jobs for months, or over a year, after I was in full mental breakdown, before quitting. My parents said I gave up too quickly, the disability judge used it as proof I could hold a job since I held on that long. In the face of this, constant humiliation, constant pressure even among sympathetic people to shape up or gently caress off and die in a gutter, in a world that is smaller and smaller and getting worse and worse as the walls close in on me, self-termination and the total ceasing of existence becomes preferable to any alternative. All the commie talk about forging some kind of new hopeful world comes off as more of a sick joke everyday. I don't want hope, I don't give a poo poo about luxury automated communism or whatever the gently caress, I just want my pain to end as quickly and as painlessly as possible, and I see no possible future in which I am both alive and not in constant agony. All these fuckers saying "hold on...I know its not fair...but hold on" seem like people admitting they got nothing, the whole loving thing is doomed and none of them have answers. Making this even worse is all the assholes who say things like "Disabled non-working-in-any-capacity people are lumpenproles, and counterrevolutionary" or that I'm a leech and should gently caress off and die or kill myself. On an industrial, societal wide level, mental health feels like its sweeping all the people who squirt out or fallout of the system and trying to figure a way to throw them back into the hopper of the machine, and those that break entirely get discarded. Ronwayne fucked around with this message at 08:08 on Jul 29, 2021 |
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Jul 29, 2021 07:34
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Yeah, the other part is, people with mental conditions that make it hard to deal with real life social interactions, i.e. autism and others, can have extreme difficulty fending off social predators like con men and bosses. (Perversely, my depression saved me in thinking that anyone expressing positive interest in me was trying to con me, and an unfortunate amount of times I've been right). I discovered to my horror some employers seek out autistic employees specifically because its easier to trick and bully them into exploitation. A minority groups' fight for equality must come from its members, but what if the conditions of being that minority prevent you from talking or communicating well face-to face? Anyone you could put in charge of you could be another social predator, and we might not even recognize it.
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Jul 29, 2021 09:14
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I don't think it was a specific business so much as general business advice to businesses in general. One of those unspoken awful things HR is looking for. For a more specific example...I'm having trouble finding it, maybe another goon can help. It was by some old Sun microsystems programmer writing how the ideal employees doesn't care about personal health or personal life and workers that value themselves and demand sane working hours and dignity will drag the entire programming project down. The idea person he describes, nerdy, poor social skills, no girlfriend or wife, can be convinced to work long hours for little to no additional pay, isn't exactly the DSM definition of autism, but close enough. Ronwayne fucked around with this message at 10:08 on Aug 2, 2021 |
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Aug 2, 2021 09:59
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