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Statutory Ape posted:Also all the women in the book are kind of badasses until they meet or need Clive/dirk whatever, in which case they turn into rudderless frigates. It's jarring n gross Well the second book the girl starts out sad because her boyfriend died in a car crash so Dirk slaps the poo poo out of her and fucks her on the beach to snap her out of her funk. The third book contains the most transphobic scene since the third Mike Hammer book. He cucks a guy in a rotting bed in the stateroom of the Titanic about an hour after raising it from the bottom of the Atlantic in the middle of a hurricane in book four. In book five he’s banging his standby girl, the one hanging around waiting for him to settle down and finally finish sowing his wild oats: a Colorado Congresswoman. I seem to recall he’s too busy running rings around James Bond to do much banging in book six.
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Aug 16, 2021 13:27
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General Dog posted:I thought it turned out the same except the Confederacy kidnapped Lincoln near the end of the war and transported him to Egypt via submarine, where the submarine sank and Lincoln perished along with the crew. this is essentialy it although in the book the whole thing is even more convoluted
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Aug 16, 2021 13:31
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Torquemada posted:Well the second book the girl starts out sad because her boyfriend died in a car crash so Dirk slaps the poo poo out of her and fucks her on the beach to snap her out of her funk. i like the one w the cruise ship thats like, set on fire by some kind of shapeshifting brown person. theres some weird rear end briefcase poison gas and some woman who just lost her father finds a new daddy in dirk pitt its astounding how many of his books use "ancient poison gas". i knoew ive said it like 3 times but its seriously a mechanism in like every loving book, like wtf? E: actually the briefcase might have also had a quantum singularity in it, come to think of it, a thing that i am not joking about
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Aug 16, 2021 13:34
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"Keep that briefcase closed! We don't need that singularity getting out - who knows the damage it might cause. Oh no! Ancient poison gas!"
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Aug 16, 2021 13:39
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"But Dirk! It takes twelve hours to fly from here in the secret Antarctic Egyptian mummy laser research lab to that evil Moroccan's moon lair, from where he will launch his poison gas at the entire Earth - you'll never make it in time, especially since we spent the last three days making torrid love!" "Settle down, Senator. You've forgotten about a little thing the ancient Inca discovered called quantum tunneling..." *pulls out small tunnel and hops in*
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Aug 16, 2021 13:44
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I was in a evening creative writing class at my local community college in the mid 90s and this old man was in my class and kept bringing in military history non fiction that he'd wrote and finally the teacher just gave up and we would listen to him read it in class. "That was very factual, Bill. Thank you."
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Aug 16, 2021 13:46
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"Finally! With the insertion of this final quantum gem, my time gas laser will be complete! All the world shall... wait, what's that funky smell?" "Sorry, I haven't showered recently. It's my pits. Dirk Pitt's pits. I'm Dirk. Dirk Pitt." "Oh no!"
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Aug 16, 2021 13:49
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Mozi posted:"Settle down, Senator. You've forgotten about a little thing the ancient Inca discovered called quantum tunneling..." *pulls out small tunnel and hops in* if this had the correct chamber of congress i would have known what this was about with no other context lmfao for anybody that hasnt read these books this is basically it in a nutshell. also pretend that he's driving a rare car. not like, a shelby mustang or a cougar eliminator or something, but it would be like, one of three prototypes to a concept that were only released in bulgaria, but back before bulgaria was part of a different country, and these were designated to some prince also in the books he would have outwitted the prince (a man of color) and possibly murdered him (he was evil and dark) and taken his wife also the entire time this is being portrayed as him reluctantly being thrust into situations, and wives, where he just cant help but be forced to improve them with his intelligence, penis, and knowledge of vehicles
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Aug 16, 2021 14:08
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basically clive cussler/his characters is all of the annoying/bad boomer dads from the GBS thread about family members going off the deep end
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Aug 16, 2021 14:13
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Al expertly balanced the controls of the twin engine cargo helicopter above the waters. Feeling peckish, he thumbed the intercom button to connect to the small but luxuriously appointed galley kitchen that took up most of the chopper's internal space and ordered spaghetti and meatballs, just like mama used to make, paired with an '86 merlot and a selection of antipasti. Jean-Baptiste the chef had left one of San Francisco's top restaurants to work for NSDAP, the Admiral believed in providing the best for his people. That the Admiral had a video cassette of Jean-Baptiste carefully butchering and sauteing an 8 year old boy he had snatched off the streets of Tijuana, Mexico, had nothing to do with his decision to suddenly change the path of his career. ------- Ten metres (approximately ten yards) deep in the soupy waters of the well, Dirk Pitt struggled to read the bright orange display of his Doxa dive watch. He carefully adjusted the airflow on his Cressi (ed note look up who's currently spons.) bouyancy belt and waited for the silt to settle. After the second hand of his orange faced Doxa dive watch made three full rotations around the orange face, the waters were clear enough to distinguish a human skull. As per usual archaeological practices, Dirk picked up the skull with one meaty hand and shook it to see if any gold teeth would fall out. Instead, a spinning top drifted down and settled in the sand. No, not a spinning top, a driedel. Dirk's brows knotted behind his (check spons.) dive mask. How could that be? The well he was diving was pre-Columbian, but the state of Israel had only existed since 1947! Boogoose fucked around with this message at 15:04 on Aug 16, 2021 |
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Aug 16, 2021 14:14
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Statutory Ape posted:if this had the correct chamber of congress i would have known what this was about with no other context lmfao Well, that and the part I mentioned where in EVERY SINGLE BOOK, Clive Cussler literally shows up, I mean AS Himself, Clive Cussler, like literally "Hello. I am Clive Cussler" and he is also driving that rare car and uses it or some other bizarre thing to 'rescue' Dirk Pitt (who is also clearly Clive Cussler) and transport him to wherever he needs to be to advance the plot because he's written himself into a corner again. This happens in EVERY book. And EVERY time it happens, both Dirk Pitt and in-novel Clive Cussler seem confused and shocked to have run into each other with ZERO RECOLLECTION OF THIS EVER HAPPENING TO EITHER OF THEM PREVIOUSLY. EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS.
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Aug 16, 2021 14:23
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Imagine if James Bond got hit in the back of the head with a 2x4 a few times and woke up with no recollection of his former life and 30 or so less IQ points, but wanted to play with boats now. Congratulations you're writing a Clive Cussler novel.
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Aug 16, 2021 14:28
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The sunken ship was like a woman, curves in all the right places, a mystery to be solved by anyone adventurous enough to do so. Dirk stared, lovingly, at the perfectly preserved wooden ship. Yeah, he thought, I'm gonna raise you to the surface. You like that? I'll bet you do.
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Aug 16, 2021 14:28
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Big G., Al, flicked and played lightly with the controls of the two man Sopwith Camel currently containing both men who were using it to chart the wind speeds of the hurricane they were currently flying through. A tone rang in their excellent Bowers and Wilkins headsets, which were perfectly tuned and conformed exactly to each man. "The Admiral," Thought Dirk extremely straightly about the silver haired fox. "That incorrigible, broad chested old gobbler! Patch him through!" Soon the Admirals deep, resonating voice thickly filled their ears in dulcet tones of, if not, admonishment, perhaps castigation. "Al!" Al's chest swelled Italianly, simply to be called by name by this heroic statuesque man, given his own base swarthyness was almost too much! "It's your mother, she's calling for you, I'm putting her through." Dirk responsibly turned off his excellently constructed and still working marvellously despite conditions Bowers and Wilkins earpiece. "Let this Italian Macho Man have a little privacy. It's only decent an American offer it to him. It is his mother." Dirk reflected Patriotically about hearing the stories of Al's mother, working tireless in the meatball and gabbagool factory to feed her 19 children. He knew that somewhere in his thick mind, Al must be very proud. "MAMA MIA!" shouted Al over the howling winds raging around their pair of open cockpits. Even through the torrent, Dirk could faintly hear the Italic horse voiced trill of a third voice, joining them in the skies, shouting 'mangiare! mangiare'. This wouldn't do! With Mama Giordano demanding her Baby Boy eat up his spaget Dirk new their time in the skies was running short.
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Aug 16, 2021 14:44
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A tall elegant blond sat at the bar. Dirk knew her type all too well. Pure class on the outside but as wild as a hurricane underneath. He approached her and introduced himself. "Good evening ma'am. The name's Pitt, Dirk Pitt." "Ahahaha no it's not. Come on." she replied doubtfully. "I assure you that is indeed my name. Perhaps you've heard of me?" said Dirk defensively. "Ok Dirk Pitt (which is definitely a real name) then I'm, uh, Poppy Bustier."
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Aug 16, 2021 14:45
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Big Beef City posted:Well, that and the part I mentioned where in EVERY SINGLE BOOK, Clive Cussler literally shows up, I mean AS Himself, Clive Cussler, like literally "Hello. I am Clive Cussler" and he is also driving that rare car and uses it or some other bizarre thing to 'rescue' Dirk Pitt (who is also clearly Clive Cussler) and transport him to wherever he needs to be to advance the plot because he's written himself into a corner again. He only started doing this around book ten iirc. The first time he appeared he was an unnamed-but-very-obviously-the-author minor character providing the most minor bit of information possible. By book twenty, ISRAELI TSUNAMI® quote:“The howls of liberal slogans filtered through the door to where Dirk and Al were sitting in a locked underwater room. Small rivulets of water trickled from the imperfect welds on the roof, gradually filling the claustrophobic space. Suddenly gunfire and screaming came from the corridor outside. The waiting horde of swarthy democrats were obviously on the losing side of an assault force sent by the Admiral to rescue them! A small explosion caused by a shaped charge blew the door inwards, and through the swirling smoke stepped a familiar bearded figure, with twinkling eyes…”
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Aug 16, 2021 15:16
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You're making that up I worked nights at a hotel in high school and read these things because the night auditor left them. Even then they gave me headaches but I had NOTHING else to do to kill hours of time. NOTHING in them was THAT outrageous. That has to be a joke and you're making GBS threads me, right?
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Aug 16, 2021 15:18
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Try to guess which of these plot lines am I making up: Dirk needs to find a sunken train to annex Canada. Dirk needs to find a sunken dirigible to prevent Texas from seceding. Dirk needs to find a sunken B-29 to stop Japan from taking over all Pacific trade.
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Aug 16, 2021 15:32
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It was Dirk Pitt's first congressional budget hearing as the new leader of NUMA. He wasn't worried. He'd survived dozens -- dozens! -- of dangerous expeditions. Surely he could handle a few pencil pushing bureaucrats. He scoffed to himself. How many of them even knew how to drive a vintage 1936 Bugatti, windows down, the dulcet tunes of Chicago filling the night? Dirk shook his head. Focus. Across the table from him sat several Congressional aides, slowly leafing through NUMA's budget proposal. On Dirk's side of the table was his faithful partner-in-crime, Al Giordano, swarthy and Italian, muttering under his breath about pizza pie and Christopher Columbus. Before he left for the meeting his NUMA chief-of-staff had suggested he bring an analyst and an accountant, but Dirk rejected that. He didn't need any nerds cramping his style. He'd heroically strafed Vietnamese villagers before the dirty hippies had forced the U.S. to heroically withdraw (while victorious). He didn't need any help. A Congressional aide cleared his throat. "Sir, I'm going to be honest... this budget proposal makes no sense to us. No sense at all. You're requesting millions of dollars for, and let me make sure I have this right - "tactical munitions" - and you're an underwater marine agency. We're speechless." Dirk laughed. He'd show them. "Well, buddy, here's the deal..." and with that he launched into a detailed explanation of what NUMA did, about the missions they'd done, the nation building, the time he'd led a disguised pleasure yacht with hidden machine guns through several countries in Africa to attack a dictator. He finished, confident. Assured. He was greeted by silence. Dirk smiled. Finally one of the pencil pushers cleared his throat and prepared to respond. Probably to thank me for my service Dirk thought. "I'm, uh... I'm going to be honest here. What you've described is frankly terrifying. I think we're going to need to bring some other people in here. You've just outlined several serious federal crimes - and - Jim, correct me If I'm wrong here - several war crimes" Dirk's smile left his face.
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Aug 16, 2021 15:41
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"Hello," I say to the young man I bump into as I leave my book signing. "I am famous author Clive Cussler!" "Wow," says the young man wearing a vaguely demonic shirt. "Did you say you were famous author Clive Barker!?" "No," I tell him. I am starting to suspect him of unamerican sympathies. "No, I said Cussler." He simply stares. "Uuuh, who? Never heard of you." I walk away in a foul mood. The first thing I do is contact my agent. I'm quite upset and awfully curious what sort of success this other 'Clive' enjoys with the young people and the literary world as a whole. It doesn't take my agent very long to figure out how we compare. I have a sensible chuckle. Then I have a proper chortle. Then I have a full on belly laugh. To think I was worried! I stop laughing and become very worried indeed when my agent reminds me I died in 2020.
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Aug 16, 2021 15:48
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Big Beef City posted:You're making that up would i lie to you
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Aug 16, 2021 16:18
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Boogoose posted:Try to guess which of these plot lines am I making up: The train one. It has to be that one.
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Aug 16, 2021 16:23
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Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:The train one. It has to be that one. Yeah I think so too only because annexing Canada seems loving insane """Unless""" they found some kind of contract in a treasure chest where Ulysses s grants red headed confederate stepson purchased Canada from the queen or king or whatever and WELP NOW WE SIMPLY MUST take a train? Honestly it's really just the Canada part that seems unwieldy. Any other country tbh, even
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Aug 16, 2021 16:32
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Boogoose posted:Try to guess which of these plot lines am I making up: It's this one because boomers are big fans of letting Texas secede so it can become it's own country filled with rightwing non-freedom.
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Aug 16, 2021 16:32
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about ten years ago i was mildly surprised to find out that E Howard Hunt, the former spy who became famous for "masterminding" the Watergate break-in, also had a career writing Clive Cussler ripoff novels. i read one of them (Islamorada) and it was basically like half the posts in this thread
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Aug 16, 2021 17:00
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At the risk of giving you all brain aneurysms I think they’re all real. The Canada one is book six, Night Probe, and the Japanese one is Dragon which is book ten or so. I vaguely remember something buried in Texas in one of the others, so I guess that’s real too.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:02
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From the Night Probe Wikipedia entry:quote:Now that knowledge of the treaty has once again emerged, the President of the United States orders NUMA and Dirk Pitt to attempt to recover the copies of the treaty, which have both lain submerged for more than 70 years. The treaty becomes the cornerstone in the President’s plan to save the United States from national bankruptcy by proposing an audacious plan, to merge the United States and Canada into one nation, the United States of Canada.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:04
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Yaldabaoth posted:It's this one because boomers are big fans of letting Texas secede so it can become it's own country filled with rightwing non-freedom. Letting Texas secede makes more sense when you internally frame it as more of a molokai situation rather than a "yeehaw guns n diesels" situation And in that sense, I am seeing the merit more and more daily
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Aug 16, 2021 17:05
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The plan was simple. They'd swim down the ten mile deep borehole to the site of the ancient Mayan ruin. Kill the guards and hijack the Atlantean spaceship and launch at the moon. Once they'd achieved trans-lunar orbit, they'd slip out of the hatch, and drift down to Sheikh Khalid Ben-Israel's moonbase and disable the depth charges and stop the madman from crashing the moon into the Earth in a crazed attempt to open a cosmic rift directly into the afterlife. As Dirk tightened his Doxa space dive belt he turned and looked at his loyal sidekick, Al Giordino. Al was looking extra Italian today: swarthy, as wide as he was tall, and covered in a thick layer of sweat mingled with cologne. He was muttering to himself as he finished packing - "pizza pie, pizza pie" - over and over. Al looked up and grinned at Dirk. "Mama Giordano packed us an extra special lunch today" and gestured to the bag at his feet. True to her word, Mama Giordano had come through and they were set for the mission: her famous veal meatballs, two lasagnas, some veal parmesan, a salad, and a grandma style pie. From behind them came the sound of someone struggling. Dirk tore his gaze away from his swarthy partner-in-crime and looked at the third member of their team. Her name was.. Katherine? Kate, something like (Dr. Kate Dirk reminded himself - she, like all broads, was sensitive about things like that. He'd never needed a fancy degree when he'd heroically killed those Vietnamese children) trying to zip up her Doxa space wetsuit. Dirk walked over to her and started to laugh. "Let me help you... guess they didn't teach this in school, huh?" At first she glared at him, her gaze full of resentment and anger, but as his ice blue eyes pierced her soul she felt her anger fade away into overpowering, animal lust. After zipping up her suit Dirk turned to his partner. "Ready bud?" Al grinned back and gave Dirk a thumbs up. "Gabagool."
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Aug 16, 2021 17:05
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Torquemada posted:From the Night Probe Wikipedia entry Statutory Ape posted:Yeah I think so too only because annexing Canada seems loving insane I just wanna say I haven't read that book and this thread is the first time I've ever discussed a Clive cussler novel in my life
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Aug 16, 2021 17:08
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Statutory Ape posted:Yeah I think so too only because annexing Canada seems loving insane Oh, I thought it was the part about the sunken train (trains dont float they are all submersibles)
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Aug 16, 2021 17:19
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Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:Oh, I thought it was the part about the sunken train (trains dont float they are all submersibles) Doubtlessly the trains would be on some freighter that was moving them from the Liverpool of trains to like, DC or something
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Aug 16, 2021 17:23
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Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:Oh, I thought it was the part about the sunken train (trains dont float they are all submersibles) The train goes over an incomplete bridge, into water.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:29
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QUIZ TIME: When heroic everyman Dirk "Dirk" Pitt really screws up, is he bailed out by: 1) His father, who is a sitting United States Senator 2) His girlfriend, who is a sitting United States Congresswoman The Admiral hired Ditt Pirk to head up operations at NUMA after he: 1) Gamed the Admiral's cock in quite an unusual manner 2) Shot down the Admiral's plane over Vietnam 3) Passed a rigorous selection process that drew from a large pool of equally talented and experienced competitors
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Aug 16, 2021 17:33
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Boogoose posted:The train goes over an incomplete bridge, into water. Hmm, except that’s what dastardly Mr Carruthers wanted you to think. In fact, they rerouted the train onto a spur line and robbed it at their leisure after faking the bridge collapse.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:39
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Coincidentally the train also contained the complete design of a spaceship by Da Vinci
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Aug 16, 2021 17:42
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Upgrade posted:Coincidentally the train also contained the complete design of a spaceship by Da Vinci now im just mad at the thread and life
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Aug 16, 2021 17:47
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Torquemada posted:Hmm, except that’s what dastardly Mr Carruthers wanted you to think. In fact, they rerouted the train onto a spur line and robbed it at their leisure after faking the bridge collapse. How could I forgot that detail? When in the same book Dirk beats up James Bond, who is accompanied by a British commando unit on American soil.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:47
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Boogoose posted:Try to guess which of these plot lines am I making up: They're clearly all the plot lines of at least one book. Boogoose posted:QUIZ TIME: I know his father is a senator but I suspect his girlfriend is also a congresswoman. I'm guessing two for the second question.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:49
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oh yeah now i remember one of the reasons i had such a fuckin weird taste in my mouth reading these books the way he describes his daughters/the son character notices his sister is loving awkward and weird. i have a biological sister, 3 step sisters, and an adopted sister and at no point in time did it seem natural or normal the way that daughter character was described.
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Aug 16, 2021 17:50
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