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I earned the nickname "Dirtybird" in Baghdad 2008. We were on a mounted disruption patrol in Jamila, and stopping by Sons of Iraq checkpoints to just get out and pull security so our Terp and PSG or PL could ask them things, while we pulled security. As we are rolling up to our last checkpoint, I have to poo poo, like time now. I am riding in the back left seat in my Squad Leaders HMMWV. I tell him right before we are about to stop, SGT I have to take a poo poo. He asks me can I hold it, I tell him no, I have to go like time now. He calls this up on our platoon level freq the situation, and at this last checkpoint the mission changed, into hilarity. As we roll into the middle of a pretty elaborate checkpoint with several sand bagged machine gun nests at about a 5 way intersection, and at the center a central command and control area surrounded by Jersey walls as we come to a stop right in the middle of their checkpoint. My Squad Leader looks back at me and as best I can remember tells me something like "Ok Hawk, just dismount, pull security with your fireteam, we will find a place for you to go." "Roger that" We do dismount, and I run to group with my fireteam to pull security down one of the roads(LDA, for the officers). I am posted up behind my team leader on a corner looking down a road. I am taking a knee behind my team leader who is covering down this road, I am covering his left to rooftops and street level of what was a market, and I am about to poo poo my ACU pants. My Team Leader, calls up to my Squad Leader on his radio we are set, "Where can Hawkins take a poo poo" (something on that level). It was then I look back to the center of the checkpoint, My PSG the Terp and the SOI commander are glaring right at me. Broad smiles on all of there faces, this had become a funny situation. After some chatter, my Team Leader turned to me and said "Hawkins, bump forward cover down this road, I am going to find a place for you to poo poo". So I did, I tapped back to the guy behind me, I do not recall who, I was sucking, but I bumped forward and started to pull long down this road. Withen seconds, my Team Leader came running back up beside me and gave me a block of instuctions, "Hawk" go poo poo in the bunker right to our 6, I am replacing you to pull security". So I jumped up and ran to the bunker. I ran into it, having to move some camo net out of the way, there was an SOI guy sitting behind a PKM and he was not briefed. I said Shaku Maku on my way in dropped my pants and exploded some terrible foul runny poo poo into the corner of his bunker, he said something in arabic and ran out. After mayber 1 to 2 minutes of explosive runny poo poo blowing out, It was awful, I had no toilet paper, I cut the top of my sock off to wipe and tossed it onto the top of this mess I made. Once I had relieved myself, I pulled up my pants tightened my belt back up and ran back to my corner, to my team leader. He called up the action, he got word back, after lowering his head I knew it was bad news. He looked back at me and said "Hawkins, you have to move the poo poo" I knew this would be a task, I had to fulfill. So I ran out into the middle of this courtyard type area we were in where these 5 streets met and found a sandbag that was almost empty. I grabbed it up, ran back in the bunker, I used a tool I do not recall what it was to transfer this runny poo poo into the sandbag So I could get it out of the bunker. I did my best, kicked dirt over where I had poo poo, ran out grounded the sandbag with the bulk of poo poo in it in the courtyard and, we RP'd to the COP. Then I was Dirtybird from that day forward.
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Sep 8, 2021 03:17
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| # ? May 5, 2024 10:59 |
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Poop
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Sep 8, 2021 04:41
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This is a great shitpost.
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Sep 8, 2021 11:21
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That sounded like a lovely situation.
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Sep 8, 2021 13:52
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“Grandpa! Tell us that story about being in the poo poo in Iraq again!”
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Sep 8, 2021 16:34
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Poop defines so many great and terrible events in human history.
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Sep 8, 2021 18:17
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Reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNnvm5SM5bM&t=55s
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Sep 8, 2021 19:28
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CommieGIR posted:Poop defines so many great and terrible events in human history. "I gotta poo poo.", words spoken in anger, panic, or comfort, in any language or no language at all. More universal than, "Mommy!". Everyone learns the meaning before their first stumbling utterance. Both the alpha and omega of thoughts through a not inconsiderable number of minds. Go ahead, embrace it. Kick open that stall door. Proclaim proudly that, "IT'S SHITTIN' TIME!" Display your humanity, if not your rear end. Do it on the clock. There is no shame but what we wreak upon our skivvies. Clean up when you're done, you loving savage.
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Sep 8, 2021 20:34
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Is this now a combat poo poo thread, or what?
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Sep 8, 2021 22:03
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While transiting the Indian Ocean en route to the Gulf, we get word of a distressed Pakistani fishing dhow that's been stuck for days without power. A plane dropped off some initial supplies that they were able to recover and gave us the location. We were all given orders to shave. Seriously everyone had to shave first and foremost as a direct order from the skipper. I figure he thought we might end up as a PAO exhibit or something and wanted his sailors clean cut for any potential photo ops. We get to the boat and it is as described. The swells are at least 10 feet and just tossing this boat around. We send over our VBSS team to check them out, provide any immediate assistance, etc, and even cleared out a berthing area on the ship if we were going to have to temporarily house anyone. We were able to watch the VBSS guys through the various cameras on equipment from the ship. The swells caused the pilot's ladder to go 10 rungs or so in and out of the water with each pass. The team would just time the first step onto the ladder to be at the top of the swell. As soon as they put their foot down, the boat would rock the other way. They'd get rocketed up. Thankfully, no one lost their grip, and the rocking was far enough that they were stepping off two rungs from the deck of the boat anyways. While onboard, one of the team mentioned he needed to poo poo. All of the rocking had made him seasick, and his response is needing to poo poo right then and there. They radioed back to us and asked what he should do. He was told to poo poo on the dhow. Well, this being a standard sea going dhow, it had a traditional head. IE a hole in the front of the ship that you squatted over. It was night time by now, so we could only see him on the FLIR. You couldn't make out much detail, but you could very clearly see a hot bunch of poo poo come flying out in 3-4 bursts. These are some of the fondest memories of my deployment.
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Sep 8, 2021 22:52
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At least you won't have to tell your grandkids you shoveled poo poo in Louisiana.
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Sep 8, 2021 22:54
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I remember watching a dude drop a hot deuce through a thermal sight. I didn't really want to watch, but it was just surreal.
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Sep 12, 2021 13:41
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Voted five despite it not being the poo poo-colored vote. Also gently caress dublish for beating me to the Patton reference.
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Sep 12, 2021 14:04
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One day in a 2003 Iraq porta-shitter I pulled up my pants and my MOPP suit pants only to see my bayonet slide off my MARINE CORPS MARTIAL ARTS PROGRAM tan belt and fall into the above-ring pile of poo poo in the porta-shitter and my options were: a) go exploring in the pile of poo poo for my bayonet and come out brown to the shoulder or b) steal someone else's bayonet and blame them for misplacing their gear. You know what I chose
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Sep 12, 2021 21:27
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We did a battalion sized mission in 2006 Afghanistan and at some point we stopped driving for the day in the intersection of a bunch of valleys. Now I went out and surface shitted because who cares and I thought that was the end of it. Later that year we basically did the exact same mission again that once again accomplished nothing but we stopped at the same intersection for one of the nights. Well I hunted down that surface poo poo and found it! So I took another dump on top of it for good measure. You're all that's left now double dump. Finish the mission! o7
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Sep 12, 2021 22:19
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Wrong Theory posted:We did a battalion sized mission in 2006 Afghanistan and at some point we stopped driving for the day in the intersection of a bunch of valleys. Now I went out and surface shitted because who cares and I thought that was the end of it. Later that year we basically did the exact same mission again that once again accomplished nothing but we stopped at the same intersection for one of the nights. Well I hunted down that surface poo poo and found it! So I took another dump on top of it for good measure. This is the stuff of legends.
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Sep 14, 2021 14:04
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Wrong Theory posted:We did a battalion sized mission in 2006 Afghanistan and at some point we stopped driving for the day in the intersection of a bunch of valleys. Now I went out and surface shitted because who cares and I thought that was the end of it. Later that year we basically did the exact same mission again that once again accomplished nothing but we stopped at the same intersection for one of the nights. Well I hunted down that surface poo poo and found it! So I took another dump on top of it for good measure. Poetry.
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Sep 14, 2021 14:27
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Wrong Theory posted:We did a battalion sized mission in 2006 Afghanistan and at some point we stopped driving for the day in the intersection of a bunch of valleys. Now I went out and surface shitted because who cares and I thought that was the end of it. Later that year we basically did the exact same mission again that once again accomplished nothing but we stopped at the same intersection for one of the nights. Well I hunted down that surface poo poo and found it! So I took another dump on top of it for good measure. I definitely cannot top this but once in Chad on a French base they had waaaay nicer showers over there and I used it as an opportunity to trim up the absolute bush I had grown. For some dumbass reason instead of just tossing this clump of pubes in the trash I took it outside since I thought it would scatter in the wind. It did not. Instead it pulled a tumble weed and got caught under a road barrier. For the rest of our time there whenever we were walking to the DFAC I would always look over and see it sitting there, and while no one else knew I always did. When I told this story in Iraq it was met with a lot of confusion.
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Sep 16, 2021 02:18
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GiP Dickart Compendium: now with extra poo poo.
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Sep 18, 2021 20:05
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Just being at JRTC and making a sad L against a tree to poo poo while wearing the laser tag gear and holding an NVG up to make sure I didn't get shot sticks out in my mind as one of the sadder points of my Army career.
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Sep 18, 2021 22:10
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Androies posted:Just being at JRTC and making a sad L against a tree to poo poo while wearing the laser tag gear and holding an NVG up to make sure I didn't get shot sticks out in my mind as one of the sadder points of my Army career. I did that at Bragg, but the tree was covered in goddamn fire ants.
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Sep 22, 2021 15:21
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Late March, 03. We are in the Push North to Baghdad, running soft skin gun trucks California Love style through the desert. At a rest halt in the middle of no where while clearing a series of villages. "Oh!" We heard with the familiar intonation that made the O sound blur with an E sound. It became shorthand in Kuwait for 'Acute Intestinal Distress'- 'I am gonna poo poo my pants immediate time.' I got dysentery in Kuwait, which was some luck, because it swept through my unit within the first 2 weeks of crossing the border, leading at least one gunner standing tall in the turret in his underwear and MOPP top, because he poo poo everything else, and we had no time to fix it. Cory, a SPC from Iowa who looked like a Hitler Youth recruiting poster, was the source. He dismounted the truck with clenched cheeks, penguin walking and pregnant pausing as he does so. Grabbing the ammo crate we used as a toilet and his E tool, he called over his shoulder "5 point and security, Sponge!". Fill in the others, move out about 100 yards. Cory hurriedly gets a cat scrape, and SP's for his poo poo excursion. The sound of a floppy sponge slapping dirt rings out. "Oh!" That same old song with a new cover from my lips. "Give me your E- Tool! I'll trade when we get back." So here we are, well within indirect fire range in a war zone, half dressed against a gas attack, making GBS threads in combat. I quickly set my position, facing the opposite way of Cory. "I got 9 to 3. You get 3 to 9. And Cory? If I get killed, can you at least pull up my pants?" "Yeah, same." Did you know you can poop through a clenched butthole?
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Sep 22, 2021 23:29
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bulletsponge13 posted:who looked like a Hitler Youth recruiting poster One of the first things that came into my mind when I first saw the Danish special forces. Sometimes it really is the most accurate description of something if not unfortunate.
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Sep 23, 2021 00:37
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Cenen posted:One of the first things that came into my mind when I first saw the Danish special forces. Sometimes it really is the most accurate description of something if not unfortunate. Dude was 6'3", built like a pro athlete, blonde hair, blue eyed, bright white perfect teeth. Saying he looks like Hitler Youth Recruiting is an instant visual most people can relate to.
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Sep 23, 2021 00:44
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Cenen posted:One of the first things that came into my mind when I first saw the Danish special forces. Sometimes it really is the most accurate description of something if not unfortunate. A family friend of mine was a patroller with Denmark’s Sirius Patrol. Dude is everything that you’d imagine that he would look like, but also one of the nicest and genuine people I’ve met. I’m also sure he’s taken tons of shits in the open on ice bergs.
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Sep 23, 2021 01:00
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A group of Danish Special Forces guys in Baghdad kept trying to get me to take a Marine's cover he had left behind. Just asking me "This is your hat, no?" over and over again while giggling to each other. Just a strange experience of being kind of bullied by Hitler's wet dreams come to life.
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Sep 23, 2021 01:31
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I feel bad about my Danish derail but I also don’t have any combat poo poo stories or anything half as cool as making GBS threads on an iceberg. Closest would be when it was finally my turn to get a case of the Africas and spent the entire day in bed not moving until finally I couldn’t hold it any longer and bolted upright and walked as fast as I could manage with every intention to throw up in the bathrooms. I manage to make it all of a few steps out of our tent before my body gives out and I collapse into the sand where I proceed to empty my stomach contents. Fortunately the doctors I shared a tent with stepped out to see what was up and found me and they carried me to the hospital. Normally this would be the end of the story but not today. I had two doctors taking care of me a Captain from some base I forgot and a Major who was my home station flight commander. The Captain was about to give me a regular dose of anti nausea medicine but my commander stops her and tells her to give me a double dose. She stops and lets out an “uhh…” but he just tells her not to worry and do it anyway. Mind you they never told me this medicine normally has side effects much less a double dose. A few minutes later I start feeling weird and I quickly realize that I feel drunk. Like really drunk and it’s only hitting harder and harder. I start letting out some heavily slurred yelling about what have you done to me and my commander just starts laughing and says yeah that sounds about right and in a few more minutes you’re probably going to go down for awhile, might want to get to bed. I try and get off the stretcher and immediately collapse in to a heap and proceed to drag myself across the tent floor as my vision becomes more and more tunneled and my limbs become number and number. All the while he is laughing his rear end off saying I should probably move quicker. I manage to drag myself from the hospital tent to the sleeping tent next door and haul myself into my bunk before I pass out for about 14 hours. I got to wake up to the realization I had poo poo myself. Jokes on him though about a week or two later he got his turn and he got it the worst out of the team since he had been drinking the non potable water in the shower and not washing his hands after going to the bathroom. He almost ended up getting sent home since he couldn’t leave his bed for a week and started to miss important meetings. The highlight was when he had poo poo himself so bad it had soaked through the scrubs he was sleeping in and left a decent size Peter Cotton Tail splotch on his rear end except brown and he got caught walking back from the bathroom by a VIP tour all lovely.
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Sep 23, 2021 01:53
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Itchy_Grundle posted:I did that at Bragg, but the tree was covered in goddamn fire ants. Amazing username and post combo. And appropriate thread for mine.
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Sep 27, 2021 18:14
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iwentdoodie posted:Amazing username and post combo. And appropriate thread for mine. You'll appreciate this one: Ruskin, Florida Winn-Dixie, with a swamp behind it. This is before Ruskin got built up. The church across the road wasn't even there. Delivery driver gets caught on camera doodie-ing upon the dock and then covering it with a paper towel. When called out, he said he was afraid of the gators. Fair enough. Get there early and it's dark as midnight, even under a full moon. Covering it, pulling the semi out of the dock, and running the rest of the route without coming back to the store is what done him in. At least he got paid for the hours, knowing he was hosed before he completed the first stop. Scared shitless, and I can't blame him.
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Sep 27, 2021 18:50
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My poo poo story is about an Owl. A real flying through the air Owl. Although it isn't military related an Owl scared the poo poo out of me. I was working counting nocturnal owls and did not find any so I decided now was a nice time to poo poo in the woods. BIG WRONG MISTAKE! I scouted out my spot a Pristine mountain top in some of the most beautiful forest I had been working in at night. I dug my hole in the dirt next to a nice 2 foot log that had fallen to the ground. It is easier to press your butt next to a fallen tree than to grunt one out when squatted over a hole for 10 minutes. This was Natures toilet made for me and only me. I thought why did god/spaghetti monster/ Buddha or any other higher being lead me to this one point in my life to take a big ol Poop right here. Let me set the stage this was a very Nice poop about to happen. A poop that would let you look at the stars overhead and enjoy. It was all set up to be my number one Wilderness poop. Then something ruined or helped it. This will be discussed in great detail when I am old and talking around a campfire. It happened, I was sitting there under this extravagant black sky with the stars above watching satellites crossing the sky It was very beautiful. Some of my best times. An OWL BARKED AT ME! I found out later the female owls bark like a small dog. So I had an owl scare the poo poo strait out of me it was like a poo poo roller coaster only heading in one direction. I wasn't expecting that loud noise to come from 20 feet above me. The next part is not pretty or humbling. I was so scared I shitted on the back of my boots missing my so delicately dug poop hole. Fell backwards over the stump and managed a roll to send my stream of piss somewhere other than me and my backpacking gear. That night the Owl won.
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Oct 10, 2021 07:27
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I poo poo in the hills behind the comm student barracks in 29 Palms at least a dozen times. Sometimes when you’re PTing, a little brown turtle just feels the need to poke his head out and, welp, he’s getting taken for a walk. Up in the hills, the only thing to wipe with is a rock. I certainly hope some little comm boots stumbled upon my little poo poo IEDs in the sand hills.
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Oct 11, 2021 03:06
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Early April 2003, Baghdad. My unit TOC was operating out of a complex of buildings that included the tomb of the founder of the Ba'ath Party. On my last day there, I went into the tomb with a roll of TP and decided to leave a little present and dropped an MRE deuce in the corner of the tomb room. Some would say it reckless to tempt fate and insult the spirit world in such a manner, and, indeed I would find out the hard way that vengeance can reach from beyond the grave. Instead of sending us home like everyone though, they sent us to Fallujah! My battalion was based out of an old MEK compound and we heard wild tales of a NIPR computer at brigade HQ that people could use in the wee hours of the morning. Supposedly they had a satellite phone as well if you knew who to ask. Bear in my mind at this point in the war, in the aftermath of the invasion, the only means of communication with the outside world were letters and the occasional satellite phone from the embedded reporters. One of my NCOs really wanted to make a phone call and I really wanted to check my email. Maybe that girl from college emailed! (She didn't, at least not yet, but that's a tale for another time) The two compounds were a couple clicks apart but we hatched a plan to use the company HMMWV at 0300, make the 10 minute drive, and check out these rumors for ourselves. So on a moonlit summer night we set out across the desert in search of luxuries that would only a year later be available all over theater. We arrived at brigade with no incidents and to our amazement the rumors were true! My NCO went off to make his call and I got in line to use the computer. It sat on a table at chest height with no chair. A sleepy looking soldier in PTs hammered away at the dusty keys and bathed in the glorious light of the internet. After about 20 minutes he closed the windows and walked away, giving me a nod. I ran up to the computer in excitement, opened Internet Explorer and went to https://www.aol.com. The login page loaded after a minute of thinking. I quickly entered my screenname, moved the cursor to the enter my password and.....oh gently caress.....what is my password? I had not had access to the internet for 5 months. I completely blanked. I tried one. After about a minute of thinking, the verdict, password incorrect. I tried a few more times, each attempt taking about a minute or two. I wish I could say that was the worst thing that happened to me that night, but those dark forces I had insulted in the tomb had merely been waiting, watching for the time to claim their vengeance. Throughout the deployment, Soldiers told tales of gastrointestinal distress known as "Saddam's Revenge." I had been spared up until that point. But as I failed to remember the password yet again I felt a strange sensation in my stomach, like it flipped over on itself and begun to gurgle. I knew I didn't have much time, I closed the window and ran to the exit, out into the dark Iraqi night at a place I'd never been before. I had no idea where the latrines were. It turned out, it wouldn't have mattered if I did. I had emerged in a sort of courtyard, with nice round landscaping stone and squat palm bushes. Although it was the middle of the night there were still a few soldiers out and about. I saw a corner behind some of the palms that was pretty dark and I walked as quickly as I could muster with butt checks clenched as hard as possible but it was all for naught. I made it only a few steps before my o-ring burst and I filled my pants with poo poo. I waddled back to the HMMWV under the cover of darkness and climbed into the back. A few minutes later my NCO returned. "Sir, you don't look so.....gently caress what is that smell?" I explained what happened and he drove us back to our compound. I grabbed some PT shorts and cleaned myself up and spent the next 24 hours on my cot shivering and trying to sleep. I had deployed with 5 sets of DCUs, but I returned with only 4 pairs of trousers.
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Oct 13, 2021 02:06
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Went to war as a boy. Returned as a poo poo-smeared man.
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Oct 13, 2021 15:59
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poo poo Stories: With Oliver North hopefully coming soon to Fox News so we can nevar forget.
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Oct 13, 2021 16:31
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given all the shits and dicks I wonder if anyone has ever gotten a combat blumpkin. or maybe done a combat SELF blumpkin
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Oct 21, 2021 13:24
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Pee story in the Poo thread. 04, Christmas. It rained for hours. I gave my guys both my wet and cold weather gear, and was pulling extra duty in the rain. Because I am stupid, and tried to be nice. After about hour 4, I realized that I forgot what warmth was. It was an abstract in my life, something that only exists in theory- like a virgin day dreaming of intercourse. But I yearned for the comfort that the memories of Baghdad Summer brought. So I pissed my pants to feel warm. It was glorious for about 30 seconds, then it was the same cold cloying cloth it was before I let loose. It was the fleeting touch of a beautiful woman, passed into that same abstract memory. Though that wasn't the high point of the day. That was the very kind local Christian family who gave me a Mamoul cookie. It was warm, and I shoved it whole into my mouth so it wouldn't get wet. The kids laughed, the mother smiled and asked why? "I wanted to enjoy it dry." A chuckle from the car, and another fresh, warm date filled treat offered, and shoved into my face hole. That little kindness has always stuck with me. I hope that that family is safe and happy, and those kids have memory of a doofy looking gently caress soaked to the skin, playing at Commando Cookie Monster.
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Oct 21, 2021 16:58
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Come for the poo poo and piss, stay for the wholesomeness.
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Oct 22, 2021 01:59
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Eason the Fifth posted:One day in a 2003 Iraq porta-shitter I pulled up my pants and my MOPP suit pants only to see my bayonet slide off my MARINE CORPS MARTIAL ARTS PROGRAM tan belt and fall into the above-ring pile of poo poo in the porta-shitter and my options were: a) go exploring in the pile of poo poo for my bayonet and come out brown to the shoulder or b) steal someone else's bayonet and blame them for misplacing their gear. You know what I chose When I was in Basic (Air Force) a similar thing happened to a guy in my training Flight. I went to Basic in the winter and during our force march it was COLD as gently caress even in Texas, and gloves were a necessity. About 1 mile into a 5 mile march this dipshit uses the porta potty that is on the road and comes out, walks up to my TI and goes "Sir I accidently dropped my glove down the toilet" and our TI looks at him and goes "So...what the gently caress do you want me to do about it?" and this poor trainee sheepishly looks back at him and goes "I don't know" and then falls back in line and starts marching. Our TI then says "Hey...idiot, you can't just wear one glove like Michael Jackson, take that poo poo off" and so for the next 4 miles this dipshit marched with no gloves in 12 degree temps.
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Oct 22, 2021 16:38
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once in iraq i watched a guy open the back door to a rg33 and just sit on the stairs and like 3 gallons of liquid poo poo came out of him. so much poo poo there was a trail while we were doing route clearance. Then a dog came up and started licking it, immediately started throwing up dog chunks. This all happened in like 4 seconds and it's still hard to process. what the poo poo.
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Mar 12, 2023 03:39
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Wise fwom yowr gwave. I did have a cat that was, well, special to say the least. Whenever my other cat would puke up whatever, this guy would immediately run over and start eating the puke like it was a gourmet 5 star plate. Needless to say, he didn't have a long life 
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Mar 12, 2023 07:36
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